Compassion for twins

[Marc Moini]

Last week as I was walking back from the beach to the parking lot there was the sound of babies crying behind me. It was coming from two twins in a pram that their mother was pushing in the hot summer sun. I had passed them earlier as the parents were fastening towels to the top of the seats (one behind the other) to make some shade for the little ones. After a couple minutes of this I turned around and walked back, thinking I'd try to do something to help them feel better. The dad had stayed behind with the 3 year old who I guess wanted to walk, while the mom was hurrying to get back to the car and probably the A/C.

 

The twins were making it known very loudly that they were unhappy, and their mother looked quite unhappy too, apparently not knowing how to provide them with relief other than by rushing to get back. She looked surprised and a bit apprehensive that I accosted her, even though I was smiling I guess I did look a bit weird, bald guy shirtless with jeans and heavy boots, a large backpack and a surfboard, but she relaxed as she understood my concern for her family and we started chatting about babies and how difficult it is sometimes to figure out exactly what it is that they need, especially when they're 6 months old and there's two of them and it's so hot out here, and maybe it was a mistake to bring them to the beach but their brother really wanted to see the ocean and he had enjoyed it very much, and it looked like they were teething maybe, and how I remember I was stressed out when my children were that age and they cried like that, especially in the evening, etc.

 

The chit-chat turned out win-win: the babies, probably intrigued by my voice that they hadn't heard before and maybe also indirectly soothed by their mother's more relaxed voice, were now merely sobbing softly, their mom was less stressed out, and I was happy to see that I was being helpful. Not wanting to impose my presence on them too long and maybe also provoke the father into worrying about what was happening in front, I said goodbye and walked off after maybe 3 minutes, and unfortunately the crying picked up almost immediately. Both parts of the family passed me by as I was gearing up to leave and we exchanged smiles and nods, then a bit later I passed them by their car and they recognized me with the motorcycle and waved and smiled

 

How differently this would have gone 2 or 3 years ago, before I had learned some NVC, when I might have approached the mom with a scowl and an aggressive tone and questionned her disapprovingly for how she was mistreating these two helpless babies, with thoughts like "you heartless, irresponsible idiot!" in my head...

[Stephen C]

Thanks for sharing, Marc. I think it's great you took some time to get involved.I'd like to make a suggestion. I think your interaction with the mother was great from how to describe it, but I think the children needed to be heard and shown understanding just as much if not more than the fully grown adult woman that has a a lot more options for being heard than the children do. I'm reminded of the "Mothers Table" thread. It seems you tend to focus on what the parent needs, but less so the child. I know that the way I was raised I was forced to bend over backwards for my parents, to "forgive" them, to give them what little compassion I could muster, which left me with none for myself. From what you've told me about your parents, it sounds like the same applies to your experience as a child. My parents did need compassion and understanding, their parents did not give this to them. Their parents took from them what little compassion they could muster for themselves, which is why, I think, my parents repeated this cycle with me. You've explained you are not repeating this cycle with your children, at least not any more, which is great to me. I guess what I'm suggesting is, if you can, try to spend more of your focus on the children. They cannot afford or hire a therapist to give them what they need. They cannot seek out people in the world that will listen to them yet. What do you think? 

[Marc Moini]

Hi Stephen,

 

You know, I would have liked to do more for these children, I would have liked to put down my gear and push the pram (or wait with it until the father arrived) so the mother could take a baby in each arm and maybe walk to her car that way, because I believe this would have been more pleasant for them. Or maybe find some other way to help them more.

 

I guess I understand how you too would have liked me to do more for the children in this situation, and how you see my attempt to help the children through helping the mom as being focused primarily on her. She was not my focus, I turned back because I heard the cries of the two babies and I wanted to help them. It just so happens that I didn't think of a better way to achieve this than through also helping out the mom.

 

It sounds like I didn't have it as bad as you did, with being forced to bend backwards to give compassion to your parents. If I had been there when you were a child knowing what I know now, I would have talked with you and I would have given you as much attention and respect and care as I could have, and I would have done the same with your parents, so that they hopefully would have been able to be there for you from then on. I'm glad that you are doing this for yourself now, from what I can tell. And I'm touched by what you write about how you understand where your parents' compassion went, which then left them with none for you, because to me this shows that you can see what they did to you from a point of view different from your own and this in turns tells me that you are free from at least part of the hurt you have been carrying since childhood, and moving swiftly on your way towards full emotional health.

 

As to the table thread, or in general, I don't think I'm focusing more on the parent and less on the child. I didn't write Stef's mother to offer her a suggestion, I wrote to Stef with a suggestion because I want to help *Stef*. I get the impression he's unhappy with his relationship or however he wants to call this that he has or doesn't have with his mother, and I have been trying for almost a year now to get across to him that if he wanted to take a closer look at NVC I believe it can help him take steps that will make him happier.

 

It has not always been easy for me to keep to this goal, in the face of the responses I have received here, but I accept these responses as "people doing the best they can with what they know now". As far as I can tell, I have the same standard for parents as I have for children. And I do recognize that children need more help, I guess the main difference with the stance of many people here is that I don't consider most parents as more "adult" and more conscious and less wounded that most children, even though I see parents in general as being equipped with more of what they need to cope simply because their bodies are more developed and in this culture they have less obstacles preventing them from getting help than children in general have.

 

Thanks for your suggestion to focus more on the children. If you have any suggestions for concrete actions I could take, how I could do better next time I'm in a similar situation, I'll be glad to hear them. I'd like to ask everyone reading to please also write their suggestions for things I could have done which would have helped these twins more, so that we will all be better prepared for helping children in this sort of situation in the future. How does that sound to you?

[Stephen C]

In this interaction, did you express more compassion to the mother or to the children?

[Marc Moini]

I expressed more compassion to the mother. I have trouble imagining how I could have done the reverse, the twins are 6 months old. I guess I could have asked the mother permission for taking them in my arms one after the other and expressed love and care to them that way, but I doubt she would have let me.

 

I don't understand the purpose of your question. What would you have preferred me to do, or ideally, what would you have done?

[Stephen C]

The title of this thread is "Compassion for twins", but it sounds like "Compassion for the mother of twins" might be more accurate. You expressed more compassion to the mother than the children.I would of acknowledged, made eye contact with the children and mirrored their expression so they can see that someone gets them and send the message that having the reaction they are having is just right. Majority of communication is non verbal. You can also explain to the mother, if you wanted, that sometimes it's not about doing something for children, it's more about feeling something for children.

[Marc Moini]

I actually did this with the one nearest to me, looked into his/her eyes with a pained smile. The other one was not visible, with a towel hanging in front of him/her from the overhang of the seat.

 

I guess I forgot to write this, it's so obvious to me that I would do that if I have an occasion to. I understand how because I did not write this, you thought I might not have done so. Thanks for suggesting this nonverbal communication, it might be useful to future parents reading this.

 

You know, I did do some things with my children that I regret, but there is also the very large majority of my actions towards them that I am proud of. Like spending probably hundreds and hundreds of hours with each of them doing just this, mirroring their expressions and also their movements, to communicate with them when they were little. We moved out of Paris for the countryside in large part because it was important to me that my children breathe clean air and that they see trees and birds and hear the sound of the breeze in the trees and the sound of the birds singing, instead of the dreary grayness of a big city and the roar of cars and trucks. From before they were born I read all the best parenting books I could find (this was pre-2000 so there wasn't much on the net), then I went to therapy when the first problems with my ex-wife surfaced (unfortunately with a charlatan, all I could find around here in the countryside), and also I was lucky enough to be able to save enough money that I did not need to work for their first few years, I have been a stay at home dad ever since. If you saw my children today, you would see that they are healthy and balanced and kind and responsible, as well as quite athletic and strong, they are not afraid of much yet they do take measured risks, and they're more independent  (as much as their mom lets them, I'm still working on that. But don't get the wrong idea about her, she has also played a large part I find positive, in raising them) and interested in more things than most of their friends, and have lots of friends they enjoy having various activities with, etc.

 

As to your second suggestion, I had very little time with the mother, I did not get the impression that she would have been receptive to any advice I might have wanted to give her, given the state of stress she was in. Maybe I'll be able to sneak in some advice in the future in a situation like this, I don't know. I think my actions were louder than words, and in my evaluation I did quite well, all considered. But thanks for your suggestion, I appreciate that you're feeling compassion for the children I may interact with in the future.

[Wesley]

I actually did this with the one nearest to me, looked into his/her eyes with a pained smile. The other one was not visible, with a towel hanging in front of him/her from the overhang of the seat.

Why did you mask the pain and sorrow with a smile, rather than mirroring the true emotion being felt by the child? I am curious.

[Marc Moini]

Wesley, because in my evaluation this wouldn't have been as compassionate, I expect it would have scared the child to show her/him a pained and sorrowful expression. As I understand them young children are looking for relief first and foremost, that's why I felt a pained smile or an expression of pain quickly getting mixed with a concerned smile ("Aw, you're upset? Let me help, what do you want?") would be more appropriate, in order to both convey understanding for the pain and for the desire to be free of it.

[Wesley]

Why do you think it would have scared the child to have their emotions validated?

 

Is pain and sadness useful and essential do you think?

 

I think that the children may have even been delayed from relief of pain and the heat by the delay in rushing to the car by the interaction. Their cries were being interrupted temporarily rather than validated and empathized with more. Your experience may have been different, but I am just noticing that if I were a child in that situation I may be briefly curious as to what is happening and quieted for a bit to see who this strange guy may be, but this does not satisfy my need for comfort and cool and I would be even more stressed and upset by the end because that was more time that we were not rushing to the car.

 

Please correct me if I am wrong.

[Marc Moini]

Wesley, I did not slow down the mother, there was no change to the delay in getting to the car, from my interaction.

 

I don't think it would have scared the child to have their emotions validated. In the moment I felt that the child was suffering and wanted relief, that's why I responded in a way which I believe validated both.

 

And I think that all feelings and emotions are useful and essential, that's why we have them. They provide us with the motivation to do something, otherwise we would just sit there and die. Or am I missing the point of your question?

[Wesley]

I expect it would have scared the child to show her/him a pained and sorrowful expression.

 

I don't think it would have scared the child to have their emotions validated.

This confuses me a bit. The emotions are pain and sorrow, which would scare them to validate and mirror them, but validating and mirroring them wouldn't scare them?

 

 

 

Thank you for correcting me that you did not slow the mother. I may have misinterpreted the interaction and you were walking hurriedly alongside the mother while this happened. I am sorry for my mistake.

[Marc Moini]

This confuses me a bit. The emotions are pain and sorrow, which would scare them to validate and mirror them, but validating and mirroring them wouldn't scare them?

 

Ah yes, I didn't express myself clearly enough, sorry. I mean reflecting only the pain and frustration and maybe fear, without also reflecting the yearning for relief, would have scared her/him more, in my opinion.

[Wesley]

Ok, that clarifies the position. So I think that mirroring would be to show the child an attempt at a face that displays what they currently feel and currently display themselves. I do not understand how mimicking this may cause them to become scared. Obviously pain and sorrow implicitly contain a desire for relief, but relief to me occurs with just expression and needs being met, not by covering up the emotion with a smile. I was wondering if you could explain in-depth on your thinking there and how just pure mirroring could be scary to the child. I do not understand.

[Marc Moini]

I'm not sure I can explain more than I've already done, because to me this is not an intellectual exercise. Maybe if you find a 3 to 5 year old who trusts you and is willing to try this game with you, and you ask them to imagine they're scared or they have pain, and then you mirror this to them and you ask them to tell you how they feel when you do that? I can't think of anything else right now, it's pretty late for me, sorry. If I think of something else tomorrow I'll add it here.

 

Ok, I just thought of something else that might clarify this for you: to me empathy is not the same as mirroring, and I believe what is effective is empathy, not mere mirroring of either body language or speech.

 

Here is an explanation of the definition of empathy I use:

 

and a demonstration:

[TDB]

I enjoyed reading your story, Marc. I hope I could do as well.

[Marc Moini]

Thanks, TDB! I'm glad you enjoyed it!