Just Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 My brother got jumped in middleschool (early 90s) by a couple of black dudes and carried alot of hate for any race that wasn't white thereafter. He wound up in jail after highschool for selling weed and wound up joining up with some white power yahoos in there. He's recently had a kid, a healthy strapping young boy who seriously does nothing but laugh laugh and laugh. Greatest tempered kid I have ever fucking met in my life. I've been talking with my brother lately about FDR and avenues for raising the kid in an environment without hate/unneccessary conflict because of something that happened to him. I've seen a few posts about self-righteous folk and how they're akin to talking to a wall. I cant get myself to tell him, "if you raise that kid to indiscriminately hate I'll never talk to you/abandon you etc". man... if anyone could give me a few words on how I can help my brother and his family I can really use it. I love my brother to death and it kills me to turn the other cheek and abandon the only person I had to talk to after our mom passed away.
Mister Mister Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 is it possible for your brother to get therapy?
Just Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 is it possible for your brother to get therapy? That's where I'm trying to step in. He would never consider therapy, as in his mind, it's not a problem in need of fixing. I'm really just trying to set up a conversation with him where I can go in prepared for any nonsense he tries to hide in. I'm hoping someone else may have had a similar experience/heard of experiences etc with happily ever after endings
PatrickC Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 You know, you cannot change anyone right? Which in turn means you are not responsible for them or their children. This is just a thought, so take it with a grain of salt if you want. You may not think this right now, but this problem you think you're having with your brother has little to do with him. This is about your relationship with philosophy. You have my sympathy there, because it is often our family that are the first to challenge these ideas either directly or indirectly by their behaviour and beliefs. Having said that there could be all manner of unconscious reasons why you might still need your brother close by. Give yourself some time to work that out. You don't have to do or say anything to him, but for philosophy's sake be aware of the reasons why you're not.
ribuck Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 You can't cure your brother's hate by "hating the hate"! In your situation I would keep spending time with your brother and your nephew. Make friends with the nephew, and be a good role model by showing that peaceful inter-personal relationships are rewarding. Let your nephew see that you have friends from a range of ethnic backgrounds. With luck, your nephew will naturally generalise the peaceful relationship that you have shown him, into his own future peaceful relationships with people of all races.
Ruben Zandstra Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I love my brother to death and it kills me to turn the other cheek and abandon the only person I had to talk to after our mom passed away. It's just a thought, but could it be that you're grieving over the fact that your brother is - to some degree- abandoning you by becoming a father?
Just Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 It's just a thought, but could it be that you're grieving over the fact that your brother is - to some degree- abandoning you by becoming a father? Nah, im happy for the guy and honestly thought that starting a family could be the best thing for him. 1) You know, you cannot change anyone right? Which in turn means you are not responsible for them or their children. 2) Having said that there could be all manner of unconscious reasons why you might still need your brother close by. Give yourself some time to work that out. You don't have to do or say anything to him, but for philosophy's sake be aware of the reasons why you're not. 1 - Yeah. But it doesn't mean i'm not going to feel like shit if the kid is raised in an environment that eventually winds him up in life in jail for being a victim of circumstance or whatever you want to call it. 2 - He lives 2,000 miles away, and hasn't been 'close by' for a number of years. You can't cure your brother's hate by "hating the hate"! Nice. I appreciate everyones input on this hopeless case. I had talked to my brother a few weeks ago and told him if his kid is raised with his dad's delusional beliefs the kids going to wind right up in jail. With jail to him being a place where he found some like-minded folk that wasn't a problem... hermphsdkl,,, This is honestly just a matter of "how in the hell can someone think that way?" and me not ready to accept it cause hes my family. Probably happened 1,000x on here, so everyones patience is wildly appreciated
PatrickC Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 1) You're still taking responsibility for your brothers actions (at least internally). Something worth exploring I think. 2) When I meant 'close by', I meant keeping in contact with him, which is not dependent on his proximity to you necessarily.
Mister Mister Posted September 11, 2013 Posted September 11, 2013 hrmmm that is a difficult situation, as children will naturally tend not towards racism or hate. however a racist parent may think they are doing a good thing by teaching that child to fear certain kinds of people that they perceive to be dangerous. if you lived in the jungle in India, it would make sense to teach your kids to be wary of cobras, so from his perspective he would be doing a good thing. but because it is an inherently irrational belief, he may need to lie, or frighten the child to pass on the belief, as his own racism was brought about by trauma. I was jumped by a group of black kids, a few years ago. If I hadn't pulled a knife on them and scared them off, I would have been really hurt, I am sure - I needed stitches and still have a scar on my eyebrow from where one of them hit me. This didn't turn me into a racist, because I had already had a lot of friendships and positve experiences with people of other colors, but I can say that for at least a month after that experience, when I saw a group of young black kids hanging out, I would tense up. So I can understand if he was seriously hurt by these kids, and was younger than it happened (I was 24 at the time), it must be really be fixed in his unconcious, and brain and body. So I think he deserves empathy for his pain though obviously not sympathy for his views.
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