Mortality: Setting the timer forward on death

[weeb]

Have you ever been told by a doctor that you have a chronic condition that will change your life from diagnosis going forth? it may affect your mobility, cognition, sight, etc, or other quality of your health and life negatively? Were you given a shorter life expectancy and/or increased physical burdens that made you consider how long you have? So much to do, never enough time.  What about your kids? personal goals? Shoot me a message privately if you want a more intimate conversation about the topic. Many those who have had a loss need to know they are not alone.

 

I would like to point out that personal loss of health, mentally and physically comes with age as our bodies wear out, are exposed to illnesses, injury etc., it is natural and it sucks to go through but so goes the arrow of life to death. 

 

As I remember, Stefan called it "the best cancer ever".  Wow Stef, was he just trying to put a smiley on his face?!  No, I know now that he felt it.  It is that realism, that meaning to the meaningless, vivid-life, lucid dream one is in wear their life rushes through them and they feel a need for expression and a fulfillment of certain life goals, a need to self-improve.  You take that look over your shoulder to scan the whole Maslow pyramid.  Safety and security meme's for your family and wishes, memes to achieve self-actualization, and even if at all.

 

Let me know what ya think. 

[Gaurav251]

I havent felt a chronic condition but I can say that mentally I am fucked up thanks to abuse from school and at home. With that said I could tell you what I feel when I think about my future and the timer that has been put on me for how long I can travel in this world. I would say that my realization that I am not immortal and my time is limited and my life is closing down on me, narrowing on to me, forcing me to choose a path to walk through or suffer the consequences of idleness does get to me most of time. It leaves me worried, panic, and often scared enough to just go off my self. It doesn't help that I possibly lived in the most hellish statist school environments and that left me with traumatizing events where I eventually decided to leave school and do online school. Even now when I try my best to get over with high school and be done with traumatizing memories come back to haunt me and I wonder why I even spend my life time living in such a world full of insanity.

 

Now I stop worrying about my future rather then look at the entire staircase I just look at one step, that being finish high school. But then comes the problem of what I do after that? Its all black, full of void, and my future seems so uncertain that thinking about it makes me feel like I will lose everything and every one when I grow up. Although I haven't lost a family member or a friend I can say I have lost most of what used to be my self, and I feel like a cocoon of what remains, struggling to get by and do something in life. The only thing that keeps me up is my now supportive mother, praising me and telling me how she will attempt to help me get through life and how its not as hard as it seems. Yet it feels so daunting, unnerving, and scary to feel like whats going on now for me. I question my self why I go through this crap that I wont remember a year after I finish it? Why do I struggle, bleed, sweat, and put my work into things that will be forgotten? Then I remember its because the system requires me to go through this, that people still believe in the delusion that kids cant teach them selves and therefore deserve no rights, or choices to be given on what to do with their lives (Yah I am sounding more cynical as I go down aren't I?) In order for me to get a bachelors I need to finish grade 12 university courses meaning I have to undo my college courses I picked, because otherwise I would have to get an advanced diploma in college which would cost me even more time and money to go through if I dont finish this now in high school.

 

 

I still feel that I am being pushed around and being ordered what to do in life, unconsciously and consciously that it is so hard for me to not struggle with my self and just give up on working after a hour. It also hurts to have that feeling that even if I do go through all this and finish all this like a 'good boy' does in high school and college I will not be guaranteed anything when I come out, leaving me with even more despair of why I choose to work so hard for so little benefit. Alas, the thing that keeps me up is that I think this will be the worse part of my life so far, divorce of my parents, abuse, redoing high school, being scared about my future, and falling into depression with the circumstances I am in. It makes me feel like what could be worse? Death? I think that would kind of end my suffering and I wouldn't mind being killed by some one, but thats how low my confidence has fallen. So in all of this can I really say that my decisions I made in life has led me to this? That I am the one to blame for all this suffering? Maybe I could have made another choice in life but it wouldn't have changed the outcome I was born in. That kind of powerlessness gets to you, it makes you feel like your life had already been determined since you were born. That this much abuse will happen to you and this is what you will be left with and these are your tools to go out and be successful. I wish some one could just call this the cancer of growing up and the tumor that grows until you reach adulthood and are finally given some individuality to do things, and become nauseated and scared with the fact that I have to deal with so much crap because of the environment I live in.

 

I do feel a need to change my self and self-improve but how much can a person who had his mental limbs cut off improve? I think that kind of person can only adapt with the fact that he has to carry so much baggage around with him when ever he attempts to do anything. I guess all I really am doing is rambling and venting my frustrations but it does make feel slightly better when I do it. The feeling that life is rushing faster then you can comprehend is the one thing that grasps and terrifies me to no end. It really feels like I cant do anything but sit by and watch as my life just pushes forward by it self. I still accept that there is free will because after all if I wasn't watching stef and his videos I would have considered my self much worse off and if I hadn't attempted even a shred of self-therapy I would be dead by my own hands. I really do want to work hard but working hard for things I dont care about when I could be watching the most thrilling entertainment and most addictive video games of the century is what makes my priorities so loose, do I give up on my future or try to do something with it and not have the guarantee that it will do me any good later on in life? That is the crossroads I currently am on, and although it is not a chronic disease or a disease that hurts the body it is things that I think about every time I wake up now, and I can call that a problem in it self. However this doesnt mean I have given up on my self, all it means is I realise I have problems and things I need to do before I can start doing things I want. When I am done with this and finally establish a comforting and safe environment for my self I can consider most of my goals in life complete and I dont know hard or how long that will take but I will find a way by either carving a path, looking for one, or building it my self. 

 

You know the most wonderful thing of having nothing to lose? You don't really fear you can go any lower then what you are now, and the only thing to do is go up, and I guess that what makes me feel better about my self.

[fridolutin]

Its strange to see people get awake when the irreversible happens instead of listening to the symptoms when they knock on the door to warn us we are acting wrong.

 

The same happens with our scientists, the whistle blowers, warning humankind it should decelerate to avoid catastrophic consequences.

 

Why is it so ?

[Tadas]

This situation would be quite sad but at same time it actually provides freedom do do whatever you want If my death is near my actions do not impose any penalties anymore I can borrow money spend it in a way i want even disregard social norms  in other words I can become psychopath whose only reason of life is to destroy yourself sooner than nature will do it.

 

 

however my biggest concern would be feelings of my family. even if my private prospect of death is not so scary, seeing loved people suffering is worst thing here.