Self Help

[aFireInside]

               My life is a mess. I’ve been cleaning for three years. I have one problem that I want to bring up. I’m 21 years old I go to a community college.  My family structure my whole life has been a mess. I live with my mother and father but I rarely talk to them. When I get home I isolate myself, all I do is study or read. I even eat in my room. I once read that when a mother indirectly shows a child that he or she isn’t important. The child picks it up and usually ends up isolating themselves. When the child isolates itself he or she is saying let me live please. This makes sense because my mother always put stranger’s needs before mine since I was 4 years old. To a discussing level. When I read that on Healing the Shame that Binds You, I broke down crying.

               So, since I’m 21 I wanted advice on moving out. How do people maintain jobs and an education? I currently have a 3.8 gpa in school, I pretty much study all day. My major is computer science. I can’t imagine myself working and going to school. I had a part time job before right after high school for a little less than a year. I worked at an electronics store. Technically I could drop out of school and work two minimum wage jobs and rent an apartment. I don’t understand how people do it? How do people like Stef move out so young and thrive? I struggle and work hard every day. I ride my bike 20 miles to school. My parents don’t really help me much besides food and shelter. I’m trapped in a jail sail, please help.

[Just]

 Any JC, or university, will have a financial aid office where you can get information on loans.  If you havent had a job since last january you are guaranteed loans AND grants.  If you've worked in the last 21 months you may be entitled only to loans (depending on what you've made).  Also, to help your financial aid you will have to tell your parents they can't claim you on their tax return for next year. 

 

Have you ever filled out a FAFSA?, if so jjust check the boxes indicating you are interested in loans for next year to get that rollin.  In the mean time you can get in contact with a guaranteed student loan vendor on campus throuh the financial aid office to get money immediately.

 

I was in a similar situation, i just graduated a few years ao, and needed to get outside the structured environment of home life too - I know the feelin. Sometimes when you feel its really time to go, it really is.  Have you ever considered moving out of town?  You can get on board with a computer science major at any JC in the country, especially with that gpa (damn good job by the way).  Fly the coup man, move to fuckin mexico!  puerto rico! south carolina!  Let me know if you got any more Student Loan / Grant questions, I know I can atleast help you out there.

 

ps. Dont drop out of school, you will regret that shit like herpes a few years down the raod, and will kick yourself in the ass for it everday.

[aFireInside]

I do receive financial aid but no loans. So a loan is the best way to go right? I will inform myself on that.  I looked for studios/apartment near my school and some are as cheap as 800 a month. So the loan would have to be pretty substantial.

 

Thank you for your reply. It really does help to know what other people did. I really have no one to give me advice.

[Just]

So moving out of town is out of the question?  If this at all helps you, when I went to the University of Washington I lived in a studio that only cost $350 w/ bath and kitchen, and that was typical for the area.  Sometimes, to get buy, you're not afforded the luxury of the town you choose to live in.  It all comes down to what are you willing to sacrifice for your independence, and recognize too by moving, youre not running away from any problems.  It's a part of growth, becoming your own man, gettin out in the world and screwing things up.  For every old relationship you leave behind there's plenty more waiting for you.  By the way, you're actually able to 'control' the amount you borrow for your loan, i.e., if you need more, you go to the  F.A. office and they'll send some more funds your way. Also, if you dont have a bank account, go set one up so you can get direct depost.  With the direct deposit you get your funds a week before the term starts, without it... you get your money 2-3 weeks into the term! It sucks. 

 

Anything pops up dude, send me an email, private message, whatever.  I'm at work, so I got all the time to spend on FDR!

[aFireInside]

Yes that definetly helps.

Iam willing to move but that would take more research because of the transfering credits and finding transportation...etc

That is really cheap ! I live in california i have no attachment to it, but i tought it would be much more simple to just finish community college here then move.

 

I also started buy soap,shampoo and stuff like that so when i move i wont have to worry about that.

 

 

I think all this takes some basic planning.

I have never in my life done anything like this im a life noob.

[todofixthis]

Hey Ivan.  I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you are currently living in.  You're starting one of (if not the) most exciting parts of your life, and the two people that are the most acutely aware of that, who should be supporting you the most out of everyone, seem to be barely acknowledging you.

 

I went through a time in my life where I had to live at my parents' house, and it was a similar situation — I isolated myself in my room all the time, and my parents seemed to be satisfied with that.  It was a living hell.

 

I don't know all of Stef's story, but I can tell you that nobody I've met has ever gone from starting out to thriving just like that.  It takes a lot of work, learning and quite a few mistakes.  It's easy to see the success story at the end, but the road that they had to take to get there is probably a lot longer and rockier than you would think.

 

For example, I'm typing this now from Lima, Peru.  I've been a permanent traveler for almost 1 year now (this Thursday will be day 366), and I work as a freelance software developer with clients in multiple countries.  I'm at a point now where I have the freedom to pick up and move anywhere in the world that I want, and I know everything will be awesome when I get there.

 

Here's what it's taken me to get there:

• Walking away from an 11-year career as a software developer for employers in the US (and burning a few bridges in the process).
• 2 philosophy changes (I adopted Objectivism for about 5 years before discovering UPB).
• 8 months of therapy (and counting).
• A little over a year of life coaching.
• Getting into business with corrupt people and losing almost all of my savings as a result.
• 2 other failed businesses that cost me valuable relationships and cash at a time when I couldn't afford to lose them.
• An entire month in Santiago, Chile where I was acutely aware that I didn't have enough savings to pay next month's rent.

It's been a 12-year journey so far, and that's only if you start the clock when I began my software career.  There were a lot of important things that happened to me when I was growing up that made my current successes possible as well.

 

And everyone I've talked to who is really successful has a similar backstory.  Heck, Derek Sivers spent 12 years trying to become a successful musician before he finally got the idea to start CD Baby.

 

Don't worry too hard about "making it".  You will.

 

 

Before we get to your immediate concerns, I want to point why I am so confident about that last sentence:

 

You have already achieved something very important to your future success.  You have recognized that your life is your own responsibility.

 

Your parents are doing about as much for you as the average soup kitchen.  They put a roof over your head and make sure you don't starve.  From what you've described, it sounds like they are giving you no guidance and certainly no support — at least nowhere near the level of support you would expect from two people who made the commitment to have a child and raise him to maturity.

 

Everything besides those *bare* essentials, you've done yourself:

 

- When you needed capital, you went out and found employment.

 

- You maintain a 3.8 GPA despite a 20-mile bike commute each day.  That's massive.  I was never a very strong biker, but I imagine that must eat up 1-2 hours of each day — and it must be physically exhausting to boot!  I also was never very good at school, so you also get a solemn hat tip from me for having the focus and determination to make it work.

 

- And now that you recognize that your living situation is no longer working for you, you're taking it upon yourself to find or create a new opportunity to thrive somewhere else.

 

 

Seriously, before we go on, I really have to applaud your strength and rationality.  Really, well done!

 

 

Ok, so the school thing.

 

First, I have to put it out there.  You don't *have* to get a college degree.  Depending on what you want to do (which, by the way, you don't have to know right now, nor do you have to stick with the same plan for your whole life), a college education and/or degree might or might not be useful to you.

 

I went to Michigan State University where I learned that I hate computer science, and then I went to Colombia College where I learned that I really just hate college.  There are a number of people in my life who are waiting for me to fail so that they can come out of the wings and criticize me for dropping out.  I've kept them waiting for 12 years now.

 

So, it can be done.  You can find/create opportunities for yourself without a college education/degree.

 

Now there *is* a trade-off here.  A diploma represents a bunch of really smart (or at least prestigious) people vouching for your skills and knowledge.  That is a valuable asset, and if you don't have that, then you have to make some other decisions in order to compensate.

 

If you want a successful career as a software engineer or computer scientist at a large company, then it will probably be in your best interest (at least in this current iteration of society) to continue your studies and do whatever you can to get that degree.  The kind of work you'd be doing for a company like that will be very complicated and challenging, and you'll need a lot of formal knowledge to be valuable in that field.

 

If you want to work at startups and other small companies, you can probably dispense with a degree, at least for awhile.  Small businesses are more interested in your abilities than your credentials.  The work will be less glamorous (at least at first), but you will build up a reputation and a network that will help you get access to progressively larger and more exciting opportunities.

 

Incidentally, I've hired a few developers in the past year, and I never pay any attention to whether they have a degree (anyway, they went to school in all different countries, so I have no way to verify that those diplomas are any good!).  I do pay attention to results and reputation, however.  If you want to go the startup route, work on getting relevant job experience and building your professional networking skills.  You can always go back and finish your degree later if you decide you want to switch things up in your career.

 

And all of that is only if you're certain that you want to pursue software development of some kind.  If you're just getting a degree to get a degree, then my goodness man; get out of there and stop wasting valuable time!!!  And I am saying this from the very middle of my glass house — the only reason I went to MSU in the first place was because I thought that was what the other people in my life wanted for me, even though deep down I knew it wasn't what I wanted.  I sympathize with myself back then – it took a LOT of abuse to break me – but oooh, if only I hadn't wasted all of that time at school!

 

 

Alright, enough of that.  So, what happens next?

 

From your writing, I think you have the determination, intelligence and ability to make things work.  I think the missing piece is creativity.

 

If you want a place of your own, that means expenses, and that means you need an income (personally, I consider a student loan to be an extremely risky investment, so I'm wary of that, but it could also be an option).  Ideally, you probably want to focus on school as much as possible (i.e., minimize the amount of time you have to devote to working), so there's three questions I would start with:

 

1. "What's my timeframe?"

  - Is it worth it to spend a semester or two working full-time and saving up capital so that you have enough to reduce your work hours (perhaps even to 0) for the next couple of years?

  - Can you stand your current living situation long enough so that you can find work before you move out, or do you need to get out ASAP?  Either is a valid option, by the way; it just determines what you have to focus on.

 

2. "How can I reduce the amount of money I need to live on?"

  - The less money you need, the less time you need to trade for that money.

  - For example, renting an apartment is pricey — can you get a roommate, or maybe rent a room at a nearby house?

  - Be careful about skimping on self-care, though.  Entertainment, eating well, hygiene, etc. are very important to your happiness, and therefore to your productivity and ultimate success.

 

3. "How can I free up more of my time so that I can minimize the amount of time I have to divert from my studies to my job?"

  - Imagine if you lived closer to campus and could reduce your daily commuting time from 1-2 hours to 10-20 minutes.

  - Are there ways you can make your studying techniques more efficient to save more time?  Cal Newport might have a thing or two to say about that:  http://calnewport.com/blog/about/

 

 

Depending on the answers to these questions, I think you'll get a much clearer picture of what the next steps are, and with that clarity, I bet it will be a lot easier to move forward with confidence.

 

Good luck Ivan!  I hope this is helpful, and feel free to ping me if you want to talk further.  I'll add a reply to your Facebook post so that we can get in contact if you would like.

[aFireInside]

I think you are correct that I’m just lacking creativity because I know I can find a way of making money. I was offered a tutoring job at my school by default just because of my grades. The thing that makes me worry is that I will lose valuable study time. Lately I have been thinking of making math videos on YouTube, since people have told me that I helped them allot. People actually make a living off making videos! That is amazing. I’ve looked into it and I might be able to start this winter when I get some money. If that fails (which is a big possibility) I’ll try something else but like you said I need to make money if I want to move out. The main thing that I got out of people is that to move out you need to make money somehow and live very cheap.

Your life story is amazing; sometimes I forget that we need to trust ourselves and take a leap.

 

For now I think I’m going to try to figure a way of making money on my free time. Since money is part of freedom. I lived like this all my life one more year is nothing.

I’ll keep you guys updated if I need advice or something happens. (Even if it next month or next year but ill post important updates.)

 

That was very helpful, you put everything into perspective.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

[LovePrevails]

Jeezo-bro

 

sorry to hear you ar ehaving such a hard time

 

it would be good if you would get some online friends from this community whom you can skype with so that you get some enrichment from your soul

 

a seed needs a nurturing environment to grow

[Josh F]

               My life is a mess. I’ve been cleaning for three years. I have one problem that I want to bring up. I’m 21 years old I go to a community college.  My family structure my whole life has been a mess. I live with my mother and father but I rarely talk to them. When I get home I isolate myself, all I do is study or read. I even eat in my room. I once read that when a mother indirectly shows a child that he or she isn’t important. The child picks it up and usually ends up isolating themselves. When the child isolates itself he or she is saying let me live please. This makes sense because my mother always put stranger’s needs before mine since I was 4 years old. To a discussing level. When I read that on Healing the Shame that Binds You, I broke down crying.

               So, since I’m 21 I wanted advice on moving out. How do people maintain jobs and an education? I currently have a 3.8 gpa in school, I pretty much study all day. My major is computer science. I can’t imagine myself working and going to school. I had a part time job before right after high school for a little less than a year. I worked at an electronics store. Technically I could drop out of school and work two minimum wage jobs and rent an apartment. I don’t understand how people do it? How do people like Stef move out so young and thrive? I struggle and work hard every day. I ride my bike 20 miles to school. My parents don’t really help me much besides food and shelter. I’m trapped in a jail sail, please help.

 

I can recommend a profession to check out which would meet your demands.  Write Research Papers.  There are several companies you can sign up for, most of them will have some sort of website where the orders are posted.  It is a first come first serve kind of thing, so you can watch the page when you need work.  The work is basically doing homework for other people.  If you have a 3.8 GPA that is proof enough you can do this work.  It usually pays about $8 to $12 a page (double spaced) but can pay more depending on the level of the paper.  You'll likely also be able to find private clients in your school for $20 a page. 

A bonus to the job is that some papers you do for school might overlap with papers you do for work and you save some time.

 

A minimum wage job for 40 hours a week in CA is like $360 a week, and you can share a $900/mo apartment.  Food costs about $10 a day.  So that's $750 in expenses and $1440 a month, which is hardly glorious but will work.  Finding a full time minimum wage job these days is another issue entirely.

Also the guys above advice is good and accurate from my experience.  I am a highschool and college drop out, and each time I dropped out my life improved.  I've even dropped out of living in America, which is a little more hardcore, and it has been great.  Dropping out of highschool got me my first income and apartment.  Dropping out of college got me my first $$ job, while my friends were still graduating (most of whom are still unemployed 3 years later).  Leaving the US has dropped my monthly expenses to about $700, living on the beach making websites and shit.

[Just]

The work is basically doing homework for other people.  If you have a 3.8 GPA that is proof enough you can do this work.  It usually pays about $8 to $12 a page (double spaced) but can pay more depending on the level of the paper.  You'll likely also be able to find private clients in your school for $20 a page. 

A bonus to the job is that some papers you do for school might overlap with papers you do for work and you save some time.

 

Not to change the subject, but is this honestly the kind of world you want to live in?  Every decision we make on a daily basis matters.. right? If people can't handle doing their own damn work they are not cut out for the material. Facilitating another person's deception is no way to get ahead in life

[Josh F]

I guess I just don't have enough respect for universities to have considered it offensive.  I see your point about facilitating fraud. 

 

Not to contradict your point, but the content isn't beyond liberal arts and electives.  You're not getting someone a biology degree or medical degree, you're doing their women's studies or political science or history classwork.  I don't know if it is immoral to defraud force.  I'm thinking of myself in college and how I would have rather spent some money to get a degree if I had it.  I was bored to death in University trying to fulfill all their requirements under the assumption this degree was necessary for a certain quality of life.  I've since come to realize how useless the degree is in the first place.  Short of making my parents happy it wouldn't have played a roll in my life.  Is it wrong to bullshit bullshit?  And is it wrong to make money helping another guy bullshit bullshit?  Its an important question, for sure, and you're probably right. On that note there may be other options writing online content.