aFireInside Posted September 24, 2013 Posted September 24, 2013 More on my childhood The problem: In my first post I mentioned a little about my childhood. I’m going to share myself further in this post. I talked about not speaking to my parents and isolating myself. Well that is just recent; I have a problem that has been haunting me my whole life. I have anxiety in certain social interactions, even if it’s not noticeable. I have trouble asking people for help. My heart starts racing and I start over thinking. The cause: I’m sure this happened because of my childhood. I grew up with my parents who lived with my Aunt and uncle. I’m one of many siblings. Ever since I can remember my mom always put me down. She made me feel insignificant worse than a dog. She never said it but her actions worked into my sub conscience. It was always little things. If my uncle or aunt gave me something I was supposed to give it back. I should never make noise or interrupt them. I remember getting my stuff stolen by my neighbors and my mom letting them keep my toys. I was about 6. Whenever I wanted something other people came first. My mom had an obsession with pleasing others while neglecting her kid’s needs. All this sounds abstract but its little things like this that adds up. Recently I remember going to a family meet up with my mother. It was at my sister’s house. I remember a random friend of my sitter’s husband stopped by. My sister said start eating because I didn’t make enough food, for random people. My mother said no way, told me not to eat and feed a complete stranger. I didn’t really eat that day, I wasn’t hungry any more. : ( My parents never took me out; I have never been to the park with them (like a normal family). I have never done anything like that. It’s even worse than not having parents. One may say, stop being a cry baby. Yes it is insignificant now but to treat a child this way is disgusting. This is the reason for my anxiety; this is the reason I can’t ask for help. This is the source of my ugliest problem. I was thought that I was insignificant, that I’m not worth anything. Now I understand why…. Social anxiety doesn’t come from thin air. I worked hard to alleviate it but I’m far from being healed.
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