People share trauma with me.

[Mister Mister]

   Hi I just wanted to share some experiences I've had and see if anyone can relate, or has some thoughts about it.I just had a chat on Facebook with someone who I've only met twice in real life, in which he confessed to me that his adopted parents were pedophiles.  I didn't have the stomach to ask further details, but it was pretty obvious what was going on.  The conversation started out with him telling me he has paranoia to talk on the internet about bad things the government does out of fear of being targeted.  He went on to list reporters, politicians, and so on, that have been killed or died mysteriously after challenging the ruling elite.  Then he asked if I thought it would change the world to create a class where children could talk about these issues openly. 

 

  I started to get the picture of what he was really talking about.  I tried giving little hints, like "my feeling is that the way people see the world or human nature is really how they see themselves or the environment in which they grew up".  Then when it became clear to me, I put it back to him, saying something like "you think children need to be taught that there are bad people in the world who will hurt them, and you are worried about someone hurting you for telling the truth.  what happened to YOU when you told the truth as a child?"  Then it came out.  I suggested that he talk to his adopted parents about the spanking, yelling, etc., and he said "My adopted parents are pedophiles."  I immediately covered my face with my hands in horror and my heart rate went up, I felt a profound pain in my heart, and took a deep breath, and continued to chat for a few minutes, of course extending a deep sympathy and trying to find ways he can get help.   I learned that he has cut contact with them, but hasn't told the extended family, he said maybe he would "when they were dead".  I told him that I think he should seriously consider trying to tell the rest of the family.  I think he has tried to tell the sister, not sure if she is also adopted, but said she considers him a demon for not speaking with the parents.  Obviously he is still afraid of the violent consequences of telling the truth about horrible things.    He was trying to project on to the problems of the world, but a few minutes of thoughtful questioning got right to the truth.

  I really have to thank Stef and this community for helping me to see these kinds of things, that when people talk about politics, 99% of the time they are really not talking about politics.  I remember on a Sunday show, he once said something like "The truth about people is only ever a 15 minute conversation away".  Part of the reason I share this, and that it is bewildering to me, is that this is not the first time this has happened - that someone I don't know so well feels safe enough to tell me about horrible things that have happened to them as children.  Even before I got into FDR this happened a few times, though I feel somewhat ashamed that I was not capable of handling it very well.  I am not sure what it is about my personality, that makes people feel comfortable with telling me stuff like this.  But I don't consider it a burden, I am very happy to give people an opportunity to share their pain, I can't imagine the weight of carrying such a secret amongs a society primarily concerned with sports and celebrities and political theater and the newest gadgets.  I will say, that I used to be somewhat hardened and cynical as a teenager, I suppose as a defense mechanism, and to some extent as an imitation of my brother who is still like this in some ways.  But in my early twenties I developed a softer side, a lot to do with experiencing intimacy with girls, and now I have a strong sense of empathy which I consider a strength, whereas when I was younger I think I became cynical because I thought of emotionalism as a weakness.  I get a feeling in my heart and in my gut, that seems to mirror the joy or sadness or anger in others, I can get very moved my art and music and movies, and before I became more aware, by propaganda as well (I am ashamed to admit that in 2008 I was almost moved to tears by Obama's "Yes we can" speech).  So despite the fact that I seem pretty calm and intelligent, and am not outwardly emotional, I think people can sense this about me, and share these things which they are desperate to talk to someone about.  I wonder if I should become a therapist.  Anyway if you've made it this far, I appreciate the time and patience listening to my experiences with this.  Has anyone else experienced this kind of emotional transformation, or this kind of forthcoming from traumatized people?  Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Emanuel]

I feel as though I can identify myself through your words. As a child I was extremely introverted and in my teenage years I felt detached from the world and the people in it. Now that I have brought philosophy into my life, I have been ''forced'' to face some harsh truths about my childhood.

This is a terribly humbling experience for me and I feel that I have been taken to a better, a more true ''reality''.

 

Through high school I was at different times a mixture of Jehovah's Witness, Nazi, Communist, Libertarian and Conservative. I was disgusted with the world but had not faced the true source of all this evil. Now that I have, I feel as though there's an empty void of what could have been, and I need to work very hard to replace this, and then build on top. 

 

My relationships with others have radically changed and all of my interactions with others are peaceful, respectful and honest. I have helped many of my friends to realize what was done wrong to them. Recently, I've been having very intense discussions on the nature of parenting and the effects it has on our development. They have been very painful and difficult to reason through, but I believe we have all gained from this introduction of philosophy in our relationships. 

 

The hardest for me is not to listen to others and extend sympathy, it is to listen to myself and heal the wounds from which I suffer.

I'm going to invest in psychotherapy for myself and build my ''true'' personality from scratch. 

 

It's great to have a place to talk. Thanks for your honesty, and have a wonderful day.

[MysterionMuffles]

Political Theater sounds like a good band name. 

 

 

I'm on almost the same boat as you guys. I grew up pretty angry at the world to the point that I would argue with teachers a lot JUST to get suspended. Any way to legitamately get away from school was rewarding for me to play video games and guitar at home. I feel compelled to share my life story but in connection to both of you I'll just mention this: I made high school extremely difficult for my self because I had plent of unexamined trauma for my childhood that I acted out in many different ways that got me into trouble.

 

Nothing too drastic, but just the right amount to warrant a lot of principal's office visits, and the meeting of 2 horrible therapists before meeting ONE good one in my senior years. One that actually took me seriously and understood me. The first two I was sent to in my first year were just...I dunno. There was one who had a private practice at home and although he wanted to be understanding, he seemed to speak to me as if I was a little child than a child pretty much turning into an adult. And the other one just threw useless quotes at me at the begining of our session despite my reluctance to share anything.

 

Thankfully I got paired with a female therapist, a couple years later, who really had a genuine interest in me and asked me just the right questions. 

 

I found no value in therapy until I met her and that's when I decided to actually start trying in school. Not because I had any real interest, but I knew I had to get out and not want to spend extra years in there due to my lack of credits. I also began to find value in therapy when I would start PLAYING therapist for some people. I used to have insights that seemed to clear and obvious and even went through a time of helping others more than I ever helped my self.

 

Hm I feel like I'm gonna go on a million tangents here but I just felt this thread resonated with me on so many levels that I don't know where to go with my response so I'll just fast forward to recent events.

 

 

I used to be cynical too, and RoseCodex, that is quite generous of you to hear this guy out and empathize with him. It takes a really open heart to not be just another person who shoots down someone who simply needs that kind of honest communication.

 

Just last week, my sister's friend (who she's been friends with for about a decade now) came to my house crying to her. I didn't know it was even her at first, I just heard sobbing from downstairs while I was listening to Sunday show. I chose to ignore it for a while and listen and give whoever was downstairs the chance to talk it out with the mystery woman who was crying hysterically.

 

When the show ended I finally went downstairs to see what was going on and turns out that my sister's friend had trouble at home because she dropped out of her nursing program. She was 3 years into a 4 year program and she was getting depressed by the patients she had to deal with in her co-op. Basically a bunch of people with eating disorders and other dysfunctions caused from childhood traumas, and she felt like she didn't have the emotional resilience to deal with it.

 

She was quite calm when she told me all that stuff because she had already cried her tears with my sister, HOWEVER, it wasn't until two days later that I found out that she came to her house on Sunday morning because she just got beaten up by her father. ON that Tuesday, she was about to receive another beating but texted my sister that she needed us to pick her up. When we brought her to my house, it was surreal. I have never talked to her for more than a minute in all the years I've known her, but when my sister and I sat down with her, I feel like I provided her a form of interaction she has never experienced.

 

My sister had no idea what to say because she just felt the weight of her friend's emotions. Meanwhile, I asked her about how she felt about the initial decision to take nursing and it turns out her parents forced her into it, when she really wanted to take a graphic design course. They told her to take nursing because "there was no money" in graphic design and I just said "then why the hell is there a market for it? Graphic design is everywhere you go!" She also had the tendancy to try and excuse her father's actions but I kept telling her not to give him that unwarranted forgiveness. 

 

I cannot believe how much she opened up to me in that hour or two that we spoke. She told me about how suicidal she was, but could never do it because she's too much of a coward to. Now to sum it all up--because I feel compelled to share too many details about our interaction--I'll just quote what I told her at the end of our conversation that pretty much hints at everything we talked about.

 

"Suicide is the ultimate cowardice. It's a fuck you to all the people who care about you, especially my sister here who took the time to take you in tonight. You are actually really brave to refuse committing suicide. Don't sell yourself short and think you are worthless. The fact that you recognized what your program was doing to you and chose to get out before it destroyed you--that takes a lot of self love and self knowledge, hell even respect for yourself to know what you don't want. Do not be afraid to go to your sister's house and tell her how you feel about all this. Be honest and vulnerable with her. Ask her to let you stay with her because you are not safe at home with your father. Tell her that you will need time to recuperate and that you will look for work when you're ready so that you can help pay rent if you have to. And stop apologizing for taking up our time, you're the one who deserves an enormous amount of apologies for what you have been going through."