I Was Taught How to Enjoy Inflicting Pain on Others

[MysterionMuffles]

I have two adverse memories from my childhood that I feel are connected, but seem to also be missing a link in between...I really hope that there was nothing else in between them that may have caused my mom to teach me how to hurt my aunt, for if there wasn't, I may just have uncovered my own trauma and what it has cost me.

 

One afternoon when I was about 3 or 4, my aunt was carrying me in her arms and she was singing a really sad sounding song in Filipino. I don't remember much of what happened that day, but that isolated moment, I vividly remember crying into her shoulder because I felt moved by the song.

 

I can't even surmise if it was the same day, a few days later or any longer amount of time afterwards, but I remember being mad at my aunt.

 

I want to guess it was because she caused me to cry, and when I told my mom about it, she devised a little plan to help me exact my revenge on my aunt for having created a negative emotion in me from her blasted singing.

 

This is where it doesn't add up...I highly doubt as a kid that I would get mad at her for making me cry from a touching song. I'm pretty sure I would have just let it pass and knew that she didn't hurt me in any way to make me cry, almost as if those tears were a good thing because it helped me understand my own emotional faculties.

 

Either way, this is where it gets messed up. Again I WANT to guess that afternoon was the cause of this happening...I want to guess that I simply told my mom of this incident, and although I'm unsure of the details and what my initial intentions were, I'm almost certain that my mom put me up to such destructive behaviour.

 

Basically my mom shamed my aunt for having caused me to cry and actually encouraged me to hurt her back and make HER cry for having made ME cry. We were in my aunt's room, she was laying in bed and I ran up to her and started digging my fingernails into her hands through the blanket. The blanket in which she used to cover her face with as she cried out in agony.

 

A part of me knew that as a kid I'm pretty sure my tiny hands had no effect on her really and that deep down inside...I also knew my mom and my aunt were in on this little charade.

 

However, I suppose it was my false self that lead me to believe that I had obtained retribution. By hurting another who simply made me cry throug means that weren't otherwise hurtful, I fear that my mom has really twisted the way I think. That being moved by a song and crying was a bad thing, that feeling my emotions were bad. And that I had to hurt someone to feel better about my self as opposed to being told that that was simply the beauty of music.

 

I don't know...I'm just really confused. I really hope me simply telling my mom that my aunt made me cry from singing was the reason why she made me hurt her for revenge...I just remember something changing in my brain that day. That it felt good to give her pain even though I knew deep down inside they were in on the whole gag.

 

I would have preferred if my mother...instead of towering over me and pseudo shaming my aunt for having caused me a perceivably "negative" emotion such as sadness without even direct abuse--I really wish she just got down on one knee to my eye level and explained to me: "you're a sensitive little boy. It was beautiful that you were able to cry from the song. If it upset you maybe you're aunt can apologize to you. What's that? It was okay, just weird to experience? What made you really cry? Was it really the song? Did you understand the lyrics and that's why it made you sad, was it the way it was sung, or both of them put together? Or have you been sad about something else and the song just brought those emotions out?"

 

You know...instead of being encouraged to inflict pain on my aunt as to shame her for making me feel such a way.

[Wesley]

I am so sorry this happened to you. Being manipulated by adults into these terrible actions happens too often.

 

This was a big moment where you were taught that causing negative emotions means that sadism is a justified response which is just horrible. It was makes me wonder what happened when you cried as a child (and may not remember) for the several years before that.

 

I think you should also realize that this was indirectly demanding obedience from you. As in if you cause in your mother an emotion like that, then a punishment like your aunt received is just.

 

I am very, very sorry that this happened. A kid should never encounter anything anywhere close to this.

[MysterionMuffles]

Thank you for reply Wesley. Yes, I'm still disturbed from recalling this event. I don't know how I can even begin to bring it up to my mom or aunt. I just want to let them know that I still remember that moment and how horribly it has affected me. Also to assure them that I've recognized it for what it was and that I've been trying to process it so that I don't have to attune to such destructive behaviour.

[Wesley]

I don't know how I can even begin to bring it up to my mom or aunt. I just want to let them know that I still remember that moment and how horribly it has affected me. Also to assure them that I've recognized it for what it was and that I've been trying to process it so that I don't have to attune to such destructive behaviour.

I am just curious, but why is this something you are looking to do? What is the goal of telling your mom and aunt?

[MysterionMuffles]

Wesley: My goal? I don't know...just to let them know I'm starting to learn cause and effect. When my sister and I used to fight a lot, I would get hit for hitting a girl, but there would be no sit downs and conflict resolution conversations. This incident is the reason why I think I turned out to be violent...aside from the spankings with a belt I received from my father, the idea of being the one who inflicts the pain and enjoying it...well it came from this incident. 

 

I don't really know what I want to accomplish but it has been troubling me having recalled this memory. I want to guilt trip my mom for doing this, or at least a part of me does. Ironically that part of me an infection from her personality that is fixated on guilting people into better behaviour. How can I bring this up to have a positive end goal if possib;e?

 

chiwoojo: how do you even RTR something like this? Do I just say "I feel like I was taught to enjoy inflicting pain on others?" or is that a conclusion? RTR is starting to confuse me now. It's easy to weed out dysfunctional and poison people having used RTR, but I don't even know what a proper RTR converastion is supposed to look like.

[Wesley]

How can I bring this up to have a positive end goal if possib;e?

Depending on your writing skill or speaking skill, you probably could write a screen play where characters are you and your mother or a friend who knows you well and the situation could play you while you play your mother.

 

I think you know exactly how the conversations will go and whether or not something positive can come out of it.

 

If you are still unsure after practice (or think something good will come from it) then you can always put it to the test and have the conversation. Then afterwards either everything will be fine as it went positively or you can figure out where you went wrong and make that block about your mother more conscious.

 

However, I think you already know what would happen if you were to speak about your experiences with this issue with your mom and aunt. This is why you are asking for input on how to start it- because you are looking for the magic words that will make this conversation go well and for you to feel heard.

[Mishelle]

Hi MSC and other fascinating, sensitive, provocative FDRers,

 

I saw your link to this convo in the other thread and am sorry to hear of these terrible childhood experiences that leave you feeling you've been taught to enjoy inflicting pain on others.

 

 I am learning from y'all and am so glad for that, even though the topics are often painful.  I think these things might play out quite differently for men and women, but I really have no idea, because my experience with this level of emotional unpacking has been exclusively with women up until now.

 

Still, maybe something might click or give you some other thoughts or direction, so I will try.  What first struck me is it seems you are not making any distinction between emotional and physical pain, is that right? This would seem to me the first place to put my attention.  Also, In your life now, how is this showing up?  And, when considering speaking with your folks, what is the path you can/will take if they normalize their behavior and treat you as the one making a mountain from a mole hill?

 

I think it's really commendable that you even attempt to trace this feeling back to specifics in your upbringing and want to learn from that, help others learn and move on from such destructive behavior.  I think you understand as well, that this is in the culture, very deeply, and more people share in this kind of experience than do not.  Here in the South US, NOT hitting your children is considered bad parenting and the cause of all current social ills, so it's the exact opposite of what we in this community want to achieve in the world.  

 

IMHO, if we want to make real headway, we've got to look as deeply as possible at ourselves, and then as universally as possible to the culture at large to recognize the patterns, and try to keep out of everything in the middle.  I struggle with this myself, I want to "convert" those I already know and have come to love, and oh how I have tried!  For the effort required, I do not know if it's really worth it.  Or maybe we've just got to sing to the choir for a while before venturing off to Vaudeville.

 

The world really is in a trance, and that's how we've got to think of it--what are the chances that YOU will be the one to wake your folks up out of the trance all by yourself?  Most likely, you would be among the last to be able to do this with them, and that has nothing to do with you, that is just the nature of hierarchy.

 

Lastly, I don't think your family's efforts or lack there of, or the entire culture's mass delusions, have managed to turn you into an unempathetic Zombie creature, not by a long shot.  We ALL have a shadow side, and to stay on the righteous path we choose each day to follow the light instead.  You are right where you need to be, there's nothing wrong with you, and the truth you see now will eventually become the new normal and you will leave this life knowing that just by being YOU, you played a part in the world's awakening.

 

Bravo brothers and sisters!