What creates a narcissist?

[LovePrevails]

I see so many people who have the defense mechanism arising from their childhood of putting other peoples needs before their own, holding themselves to "perfect" standards of conduct, feeling guilty or shameful if they aren't perfect in altercations, even if the other person was much worse than they were they think it's their job to be the judicious one.

 

I don't understand how the reverse can ever be formed as a defense mechanism!

Surely you have to kowtow to the parent? why would you learn to put yourself first and not care about others?

 

Please share any theories, experiences or expertise.

[JKPgamer]

I tried to find the call-in show where Stef briefly discusses narcissism and I can't remember which one it is.  First of all my father is almost a textbook case or narcissist so I have some experience in the area.  It isn't just about putting themselves first.  A narcissist can't understand or comprehend others making a decision that is different from their own.  They truly believe that everyone looks at the world the way that they do.  I know in the call-in show Stef said something along the lines that, narcissism arises out of absolutely no negotiation on the part of the parents so they never learn that skill and think everyone just thinks and acts for the same reason.  They have no empathy for opposing points of view because they weren't shown any they fall into the delusion that there are no other points of view only their own.

And remember while narcissists don't put the needs of others before their own, the definition of narcissism requires them to always want the approval of those around them.
From wikipedia: "Although most individuals have some narcissistic traits, high levels of narcissism can manifest themselves in a pathological form as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), whereby the patient overestimates his or her abilities and has an excessive need for admiration and affirmation"

 

And I know from experience there is nothing that aggravates my father more than doing something that could potentially make him look bad to those around him.  So while narcissism is the appearance of high self-esteem and complete selfishness, the person is in fact enslaved to how those around him/her perceive him/her.

[Guest Exceptionalist]

Dat means, if you are realy nutty about it, it is called disorder, so I am an Aspie mix I guess. In fact I don't know who I am for sure.  

 

Concerning NPD:

I guess it is like a crumbling facade with a person who feels constantly inferior to others, which means it is obsessed with approval and prestige. Aiming high is only a means to the ends. As a child it was treated as a slave and refused any kind of admiration or approval.

[Cornellius]

Speaking from recent experience, I think narcissism has its roots in acute isolation.

[Cornellius]

It's the mortar shooting people down from within a walled fortress on a mountain top.

[Kevin Beal]

"How dare someone criticize me" (even when you aren't actually being criticized) is a very powerful defense against looking at the reasons you do and think things. "I just do that because I know what I'm doing. Most people are clueless compared to me".

 

It reinforces itself that way being that it's so convenient a defense.

 

The reasons it shows up is for lots of reasons I'm sure, but one reason that I'm aware of is that their parents did it and it gets internalized in children who give themselves permission to do it to try and avoid the humiliation and shame that can produce.

[Mishelle]

Narcissists are heavily rewarded in our culture--with money, attention, even fame.  If it's in the culture, it's in us as individuals.  The antidote is compassion, imho.

[Alan C.]

What creates a narcissist?

 

My answer here.

[Cornellius]

What creates a narcissist?

 

My answer here.

 

Me likey.

[STer]

It's helpful to think in terms of Internal Family Systems here. In a narcissist, there is a wounded insecure child part. It is painful to be in touch with that part. So protector parts designed to impress people take the reins. What makes for an extreme case like NPD is when those protector parts exercise very, very strong control over the system with little flexibility. The pain underneath is so severe that they will not let up at all in suppressing those child parts.

 

A narcissist is a little further along on the split personality spectrum than the average person, who has a variety of parts but usually not so extremely polarized.

 

The origins of the whole complex could be in anything that creates a feeling of deficiency in those child parts.

[Mike Fleming]

I'm speculating, but it's a way to make yourself feel good (or not so bad), to hide the feelings of hurt inside.   The narc makes others feel worse than them so that they don't feel so bad about themselves.    They are constantly looking for faults in others and making themselves seem perfect in comparison.  Amongst other adults it's not that bad, but for a child of a narc parent, constantly having your errors and faults pointed out, and being made to feel bad over any mistake that you make can be devastating.   The cycle then often begins anew when that child becomes a parent.