Alone in Self-Work, Thinking about Therapy

[DaisyAnarchist]

Hey there,

 

I have been doing self-work for a few months now. Last night I had a really rough time sleeping and working out where the anxiety was coming from. I was able to talk about it with members from this community and I gained some clarity on what triggered me and why. But I am thinking I don't want to do this work primarily by myself, because I sometimes feel overwhelmed and confused with self work. Generally what I deal with is social anxiety, and occasional depression. I feel like I could use someone to help me validate the pain from my childhood. I am reading Homecoming from Bradshaw, I listen to Stefan's videos/podcasts and watch gerlach on youtube which help tremendously in ways. I meet with some members from fdr twice a week on skype for support and it is also helpful, but I would like a regular person/friend/therapist to talk to on top of that. I can't afford a therapist, so I suppose that's not an option unless I look for free counseling at my small local college. Does anyone have experience with school counselors/therapists? And if anyone from the community would be willing to talk with me sometime, I would appreciate that. I am not sure what other options I could choose from. I suppose it doesn't necessarily have to be a therapist, but that seems like it would be the most helpful route. 

 

Also, I am wondering who else here has attempted self-work alone and what was/is your experience with it? 

[Mishelle]

Hi 

I hope you are feeling better and I wanted to send some words of support.  I'm not a therapist but I do have some opinions about them and about what you are asking.  I began entirely alone in self-work and continued that way for almost a decade--reading and journaling mostly, experimenting with meditation and self-medicating.  The problem with this is not so much that you are "alone" I think, because all self-work is ultimately done alone, no one else has had your experiences or is in your mind/body--it is a very solitary unfolding by necessity--but the problem is when you don't have a support network or any kind of plan or program, then you can "plateau" or even regress so much more easily, I think.  The therapist or group keeps you on track but doesn't make it easier or less painful, I don't think.  Of course it's always comforting to feel you are not in it alone, but that's really just a superficial comfort.  You could get involved with a group online very cheaply, which is what I ended up doing when I really got that I was in over my head.  The group I was involved with is led by a therapist and really taught me a lot -- group events were possible, but in California, so I only went once--otherwise it was all online.  Having this structure really made a difference--it gave me direction, support, teachings, new ideas and practices--but it was still tough!

Do you journal?  Is an online group an option for you, or would you rather a face-to-face situation?

Just one wee piece of advice: be very wary of free therapy!  and be very discerning, there are bad therapists just like there are bad anyone in any career 

bon courage!

[Stephen C]

Hi, CoreyThank you for sharing your experiences with Self work. I feel happy to read that you are meeting with people that are exploring the path towards truth like yourself. I feel sadness hearing that you have been wounded and that these wounds result in the social anxiety and depression you mentioned. I want to send you my compassion <<Big Hug>>I think it may be useful to ask this Part of you that is feeling overwhelmed / confused if it would be willing to step back from your Self so that you can understand and develop a stronger relationship with him/her. I imagine this Part very much wants to help you but does not feel or actually is not equipped to manage the task of mediating between all the other hard working parts in your personality. He/she might be working extra hard to do this task, this is analogous to a person that is color blind attempting to do a paint by number project. It would be very difficult, this person would need to seek second opinions quite often to complete the project with accuracy. This Part may not want the job it has, maybe it can think of another job it would like? I believe this part deserves appreciation for all the work that it has done and is doing. It may be operating off the premise that he/she IS you, and it may be relieved to see/hear that it is not alone and you are there.A couple years ago I had a dream that took place in a humongous auditorium where everyone in the world (my inner world) was waiting for an opportunity to step up to the stage where a microphone was set up so they can put forward their wants/needs. On stage was George W Bush (a manager Protector Part) and his cronies. He was listening to what each Part was saying and taking notes. An overweight woman stepped up to the microphone and said "I want more bananas", so George W.  wrote down "More Bananas" and said "Ok, we will have more bananas." The next woman that stepped up to the mic was thin and said "I want less bananas", so George W. wrote down "Less bananas" and said "Ok, we will have less bananas". At this point my view shifted I saw the entire auditorium from a high up birds-eye view. I was bigger than the entire planet and I could hear and see everyone that was in the auditorium at the same time. I moved my face closer to George W. until I was face to face with him, he was the only person in the auditorium that could see me at the time. I said to him "This will not work, you cannot have both more bananas and less bananas at the same time". He replied "Ron Paul wouldn't do a better job!". I calmly said to him "I haven't said anything about Ron Paul. What I am saying is that it's impossible to have more bananas and less bananas at the same time".I noticed he was defensive and that he felt overwhelmed with the job he had. He was doing the best he could, and he wanted to do a good, but he was simply not equipped for the job imposed on him. I felt compassion for him, what a terrible position to be stuck in. He didn't want the job, but he didn't know what else to do. Then I woke up. I have done and do Self work by myself (self dialogue, reading, journaling, listening to podcasts and watching videos) and also meet with a therapist. My therapist cannot do work for me, no one can, but it is useful to talk to someone outside of myself that I trust and has worked on Self exploration. My therapist models for me the qualities of Self that I may not be connected to at any given time, which has been beneficial for me. It has also been helpful for me to talk to people that are on the same path that I am or are on a path I want to be on, like you described. These friends are therapists, you and I are as well. We just don't have the documentation to practice under the title legally. I would feel privileged to chat with you sometime, my Skype name is StephenC718.

[Emanuel]

Thank you so much for sharing this, this conversation is really enriching and makes life worth it to me.

I have trouble trusting myself with the responsibilities I am giving myself, but this outlet for thought has given me new hopes.

I realize that I have a lot of work on my hands if I want to be satisfied and proud about the way I live and the things I do.

I was clueless that our relationship to truth was to be our saviour, but now that I see just a glimpse of what is possible, I want to go deeper.

I'll have to do more research into the MEcosystem, can anyone recommend some good sources of information? Thank you very much.

[DaisyAnarchist]

Mishelle, 

 

I agree with you, and I think you are right on the mark here:

The problem with this is not so much that you are "alone" I think, because all self-work is ultimately done alone, no one else has had your experiences or is in your mind/body--it is a very solitary unfolding by necessity--but the problem is when you don't have a support network or any kind of plan or program, then you can "plateau" or even regress so much more easily, I think.

 

 

I do journal, but sometimes get off track. I can go week or so without it if I don't feel it's necessary or I don't want to face the pain of it. I would try an online therapy group lead by a therapist, that does sound like it could be quite helpful, especially with structure. I am glad to hear it was helpful to you. Thank you for this suggestion. 

 

Stephen, thank you for sharing that dream, I can relate to that. Funny to imagine giving compassion to George Bush in handling a banana conundrum, but I understand the message  I really appreciate your post. This portion here produced an urge in me to cry: 

This Part may not want the job it has, maybe it can think of another job it would like? I believe this part deserves appreciation for all the work that it has done and is doing. It may be operating off the premise that he/she IS you, and it may be relieved to see/hear that it is not alone and you are there.

 

 

Giving myself that kind of credit is difficult, I think I still have a lot of shame to deal with. I agree with your take on therapists. I will add you on skype.

 

EmanuelN, the general nature of that reply at first made me think you may be replying to the wrong thread, but if this thread was indeed the one to help you realize those things for yourself, then I am glad for that. I wish you a gentle journey in handling those responsibilities. I am available to listen/talk if you would like, and you may feel free to join the fdr support meetups on skype. I have heard mention of the mecosystem on here but I'm not sure what that is. I would guess it has something to do with maintaining inner equilibrium, or recognizing the different, interacting parts of the self. I googled it before but nothing came up, so I'm guessing it originated with this community.

[Stephen C]

 

Stephen, thank you for sharing that dream, I can relate to that. Funny to imagine giving compassion to George Bush in handling a banana conundrum, but I understand the message  I really appreciate your post. This portion here produced an urge in me to cry: "This Part may not want the job it has, maybe it can think of another job it would like? I believe this part deserves appreciation for all the work that it has done and is doing. It may be operating off the premise that he/she IS you, and it may be relieved to see/hear that it is not alone and you are there." 

Giving myself that kind of credit is difficult, I think I still have a lot of shame to deal with. I agree with your take on therapists. I will add you on skype.

You're welcome, Corey. It's nice when my unconscious breaks me off with a dream that is so clear and obvious, although it is tough to follow through with what it's suggesting I do. I'm glad the message was clear for you too. I think I can understand the sadness you feel. This Part of me was so burdened, it had to take on a job no person would ever want to take, jobs that are totally against my true nature as a person. They work so hard for so long... they're the only reason I'm alive to talk about it today. This is why I think they deserve appreciation and understanding. Would you like to say more about what the tears you felt pushing their way to the surface would say if they could speak? I feel sadness reading that it's difficult to give yourself credit, you always deserved acceptance, appreciation and credit. I feel enthusiastic about talking to you on Skype. 

[DaisyAnarchist]

You're welcome, Corey. It's nice when my unconscious breaks me off with a dream that is so clear and obvious, although it is tough to follow through with what it's suggesting I do. I'm glad the message was clear for you too. 

 

I think I can understand the sadness you feel. This Part of me was so burdened, it had to take on a job no person would ever want to take, jobs that are totally against my true nature as a person. They work so hard for so long... they're the only reason I'm alive to talk about it today. This is why I think they deserve appreciation and understanding. Would you like to say more about what the tears you felt pushing their way to the surface would say if they could speak? 

 

I feel sadness reading that it's difficult to give yourself credit, you always deserved acceptance, appreciation and credit. 

 

I feel enthusiastic about talking to you on Skype. 

 

 

It's been a while since I've had a dream that was as clear and even had a suggestion in it, but I can understand the difficulty in following through with that. 

 

If I think about it, the tears welling up about your post come from seemingly contradictory feelings. I felt as though you told me something I have needed to tell myself for a long time, that I deserve appreciation for the effort I've put in. I think I said this before, but I still have quite a bit of shame to deal with. Intellectually, I understand the value in loving myself, I understand that my fears were most likely the fears of broken adults around me who sensed I knew the truth about them, and that to protect myself, I repressed feelings of anxiety, sadness, abandonment, etc. But getting the emotional side on the same page as the intellectual side is no easy feat. It was also sadness I felt after reading your comment, because the people who should have given me validation and should have encouraged my real feelings in childhood did not do so. I was not taught to do so. I think it is a feeling of grief mixed with relief, if that makes sense to you. 

 

It was very pleasant and enlightening to chat with you on skype. I was glad that you were so open about your own history in our introductions/biographies, it helped me to open up more. And it is good to hear that you have made such progress in your own self-work. I look forward to talking with you again some time. 

[jonagelle]

First, it is good to understand what anxiety is so you can handle it better. You are aware of what to do. The symptoms of anxiety is numbness, tingling sensation, chest pain, difficulty falling asleep, shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, stomach upset, burning skin sensation in the face and neck, body zaps, tremor shaking, etc. Medications include (SSRIs) selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor and other medicines like beta blocker. You must consult your psychiatrist so that you could prescribed with medicines and provided the right dosage and time of taking the medicine. Dietary remedies include reduce intake of foods high in fats, sugar, and caffeine. Avoid drinking wine, coffee and softdrinks. You must have enough sleep. Sleep is a form of rest. Rest is needed for you to be treated. Stress is the cause of anxiety. It is fear and tense that cause anxiety.

 

Nathanael King is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and weight loss & nutritional therapist. He also helps people suffering from panic attacks or social anxiety. He has written a book on how to build confidence instantly using NLP techniques. Please click <a target="_new" href="http://dailyimproveself.com/instantconfidencefree/">here</a> to download now. You can also sign up for weekly newsletter at <a target="_new" href="http://www.SelfProgress.co.uk">http://www.SelfProgress.co.uk</a> for your growth.

[DaisyAnarchist]

I don't plan on seeing a psychiatrist, I'm not interested in using medications for my anxiety. As much as it absolutely sucks, I'd rather let my body speak to me and try to see what's going on than numb myself with chemicals just so I can function. I'm sure they have their place, but I want to avoid them if I can. 

 

To update the thread, I told my mom I'm considering therapy. I felt like I needed to get that out of the way before talking to any therapists, seeing as I don't really have the money for them (at least not for one in the long term, I would run out of money) and I want to let my mom know that I'm struggling and wanting help. Last night I had racing thoughts about my relationship with my mom and fears over telling her I need help. I emailed Stefan about that is morning. The relationship with my mom is not as honest or compassionate as it should have been, and I know I can't necessarily change that. I just have to be more honest with myself. Her response to the idea of therapy was that I'm over thinking things (this was over text... I did not feel comfortable bringing it up face to face) but she thought seeing a free therapist at school would be good when I said I could do free therapy. I'm not... sure what that means. She thinks I'm over thinking it, but when I bring up free therapy, it's okay? The fact that she is dismissive of my pain is very disappointing, but I guess it's not surprising. I'm just glad to have gotten that out of the way. Now I can look into therapists at my college. 

 

Any feedback on this would be appreciated. 

 

I'm also wondering, for anyone who is keeping up with this thread or happens to be reading, what was your "coming out" story like with regards to admitting that you need therapy? Who did you tell, if anyone, and how did you feel about it? Does anyone have a similar experience with being in a kind of limbo phase about it?

[Charles Turner]

Hi,

 

I grew up with anxiety issues and have come a long way from where i ws even  few years ago. I haven't seen any therapists or anything like that, (if you don't include the countless hours of FDR videos), i relied on self work.

 

It does take a long time to work the issues out. The most important things for me were/are: Self Honesty, the NAP, and actively doing the things that made me anxious (incrementally). I did not really progress  at all until i found FDR. Listening to alot of the call in shows made me realise that there are many people like me out there, and that i should NOT feel ashamed that i am how i am, even though it is not who i want to be.

 

 

I found that self honesty was the key to understanding how i was as anxious as i was. It took me a very long time to figure this out and to stop making excuses for myself and others in past memories i had. To look very brutally at past experiences for what they were. Understanding the non-aggression principle gave me a reference point from which i could judge these past experiences, it is a way that i could rip all subjective feelings away to see things for what they were and are. This also allows for seeing people for who they are, both past and present. It was brutal to think back and realise that things i had dismissed in the past were having an effect on my behavour in the present, some of these things were trivial to me in the recent past, but closer examination revealed some very brutal truth about these things. That led me to remembering things i had forgotten for 10 or 15 years. Only once i had remembered these things could i see the experiences for what they were. Realising that the anxieties were not my fault set me free from them.

 

Once i had found where some of my anxieties came from (mostly parental experiences and family experiences) i found that i could slowly do things i felt i could not do before, little by little. This built my confidence up, it was not just doing things related purely to my anxieties. Even doing things that seemed unrelated were helping my confidence, as they became to me a reflection of my abilities and belief in myself.

 

To clarify i had problems with anxiety both socially and in a more active sense.

 

For example i can remember being so anxious i couldn't order some pizza when i was like 13 or something. I remember my mother saying order some pizza for pick up for dinner, i was petrified, i didn't want to make that call and for some reason doing so, scared the day lights out of me.

 

It took me a long time to realise that the source of my anxiety was my parents. I figured this out for sure about 2-3 years ago. My parents have been divorced have been since i was 3. My dad bought a house to do up as a holiday house a few years go. At that time i was working doing glass balustrading ( pool fences, balconies, shower screens etc). When it came time to put a showerscreens into the bathrooms i did a terrible job. I knew i had done a bad job, because days earlier i had done some in my professional (if you can call it that) capacity with no problems (on very expensive bathrooms where making mistakes would have been very costly for me personally i.e a bit of pressure). I reflected on this and realised that things i do every day i and know for a certainty i can do, i couldn't do in front of my family, it was anxiety, pure and simple, and the only cause was family (in this circumstance).

 

I still to this day feel more anxious doing things around family then i would otherwise, but i do not feel anywhere near the levels of anxiety i used to.

 

As for social anxieties i got a new job around about that time do work that was much more social(sales - where you are talking to and dealing with customers on a daily basis, where you are actually selling to them, not just working a checkout or something). I found this made talking to new people much much easier, it took time but when i came to believe in myself and realise that the fears i had were baseless - you are just talking to a person, if you say the wrong thing they will walk out of the store and you will never see them again - it became easier.

 

With every bit of confidence you will feel happier - i used to be depressed, the anxiety i felt left me with no hope, that i didn't feel i could change nd neither could my environment, but i worked at it and feel so much better for it.

 

 

Hope that helps in some way, if you have any questions just message me. I know i might have skipped over something in what is a very, very brief overview of my experience.