Dream Interpretation Request- Illuminating Fake Expression

[Wesley]

Relevant past details:

 

My mother raised us in the church building as she worked there. During summers, we often would spend many hours that and at one time I considered it a sort of second home. My mother's job for at the church for most of my childhood was to teach the children- to run Sunday school. 

 

I have recently gotten my own apartment and moved in. I see them much less, and once I make sure everything in my life is set up properly, I do not want to see them again. 

 

 

The dream:

 

My apartment was in the church's basement and I was looking for a way to turn on the lights for the upstairs area. I found the circuit breaker panel that is in my apartment and flipped all of the breakers on. I then went upstairs to the church to tell everyone that the lights should be working now. Instead, I saw the children having really fake expressions of happiness. Like when you know someone is really worried or anxious or sad and then they plaster a happy face on and say happy things. I could see right through it and started to worry and ask what was going on. I went to some of the teachers and they also had these fake expressions. One of the teachers in particular was so anxious that he had on rubber gloves and a kind of environmental suit because he was so worried about germs being in the world around him. However, he had this stupid happy face plastered on himself to try and show people that everything was ok. So finally I turned to my mom and asked her why was everyone like this? She was their boss/ teacher, why would she teach them something like this as a good way to live? Someone who I grew up with who was a couple years younger than me blurted out "It was because he lost it in the second!" and then immediately shut up as she wasn't supposed to talked about it as there were astonished gasps around the room. In the dream, I took this to mean that she had been pregnant and had lost the second trimester. She then pulled me into the other room where the others weren't and confessed that she had been pregnant, but had had a miscarriage and that she was really broken up about it.

 

Then I woke up

 

What I have so far:

 

Moving out and turning on the lights is me making good life changes and revealing things that are going on around me and it reveals that everyone is fake and actually has a lot of issues going on. Even more sad, that this is being inflicted on children. I realize that my mom has a hand in it, but then I try to figure out why she would do this.

 

The part I don't understand is the miscarriage and the pregnancy and what that means for her. Why would she have been so ashamed about this? Why would this cause her to make everyone else act fake?

 

If anyone can fill in some of the blanks on this dream, then I would really appreciate it.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

[Pepin]

I'm going to try something new and just give my thoughts and theories as I read, instead of reading the whole thing and then commenting. It may not work out very well, especially if I am wrong, but it may stimulate a lot more thought. I find with myself that often hearing a lot of wrong theories about my dreams helps me find the answer and stimulates a lot of thought, so even if it doesn't work, I think it'll be helpful.
 

My apartment was in the church's basement and I was looking for a way to turn on the lights for the upstairs area. I found the circuit breaker panel that is in my apartment and flipped all of the breakers on.

 
It is interesting that you apartment is in the basement. What I also find interesting is that you are turning on the lights for the upstairs area, which I'd argue is a metaphor for the three brain system, the basement being the lower reptilian brain, the upstairs being the high functioning unique to humans brain. What I'd anticipate based off this idea is that there will be some physiological sort of reasoning sent to the higher part of the brain resulting in some simple yet profound realization. A lot of the family issues falls into the camp where your physiology is completely aware of the situation, but it isn't processed on a higher level, and if it is it is more likely to be normalization.
 

I then went upstairs to the church to tell everyone that the lights should be working now. Instead, I saw the children having really fake expressions of happiness. Like when you know someone is really worried or anxious or sad and then they plaster a happy face on and say happy things. I could see right through it and started to worry and ask what was going on.

 
I'd say this works pretty well with my theory, though it would be more the emotional mammalian brain that is being turned on. I think this would make more sense given the forum you are on as we tend to be hyper rational and disconnected from the emotions.
 

I went to some of the teachers and they also had these fake expressions. One of the teachers in particular was so anxious that he had on rubber gloves and a kind of environmental suit because he was so worried about germs being in the world around him. However, he had this stupid happy face plastered on himself to try and show people that everything was ok.

 
This works well with my theory because the base brain is very primal and empirical. You could only get people to deny their senses to that extent through intensive childhood indoctrination. What I also find interesting that he is using emotion as a means of control.
 

So finally I turned to my mom and asked her why was everyone like this? She was their boss/ teacher, why would she teach them something like this as a good way to live? Someone who I grew up with who was a couple years younger than me blurted out "It was because he lost it in the second!" and then immediately shut up as she wasn't supposed to talked about it as there were astonished gasps around the room. In the dream, I took this to mean that she had been pregnant and had lost the second trimester. She then pulled me into the other room where the others weren't and confessed that she had been pregnant, but had had a miscarriage and that she was really broken up about it.

 
I'd say that this is where the dream gets internal and personal. In the dream, you are abstracting away from yourself by asking "why would you teach them that is a good way to live". Though this question does have merit on its own, it has far more relevance to your own childhood, especially in having to spend so much time within the church.
 
Going along with this, the kid who blurts it out is some part of you that knows why. I am basing this off of Stefan's "you already know everything about your parents" idea, and also off the general idea that dreams are a manifestation of your internal world. I'd say that this is supported in the dream because you clearly understand the implication of a vague set of words.
 
Unless the miscarriage relates to something real, I feel like the best way to explain it is to see it as an unprocessed event of trauma. Essentially she is teaching you and others this because she hasn't processed her past, which is essentially the cycle of violence.

 

What I also find interesting about this part is that it is abstracted away from you in that it isn't talked in terms of your brother who died far too young, which leads me to say that the child that she lost is you. She likely expected you to stay this way and to have a long term relationship. Now as an adult, that obviously didn't happen, and you are likely to not even see her after you gain full Independence. This loss of relationship with her is quite analogous to the miscarriage because fundamentally: she doesn't know you, she doesn't have a relationship with you, she only can relate to what could have been.
  

I hope that was helpful and that I struck at least one chord. I think I have a pretty decent theory, but you are the best judge.

[Wesley]

The part that really resonated with me (that I hadn't thought of something similar before) was that this miscarried child was me.

 

This brings up a lot of feelings. I am avoiding those people as I find them dangerous and destructive, but I am leaving the children behind who are there. In fact, my mother feeling agony about my departure could make things worse for them. 

 

I do not think there is anything that I could do as anything I tried to do or say would be counteracted by their parents and then I would be demonized, so it is not worth it. I used to hang with them and tried to talk about their relationships and their parents when they were having a hard time. 

 

To me, it feels like a smaller form of survivors guilt.

[Wesley]

I also find it much easier to interpret the dreams of others than of my own, just like it can be easier to see problems in other people or other people's mythologies. The things that I can't see still are almost impossible for me to see which makes them so difficult and why I like being able to talk with others about it. When I hear other's stories (unless it parallels mine) I find I am much more able to point out things as I do not have the block in that area.

 

I have not seen a zombie movie recently.

 

I am the oldest of 3. The middle brother left for a bit, but ended up coming back when he needed support because of a surgery. She was very distraught and kept trying to get him to come back and visit at the time. It is possible that it could be him, and then I am somewhat analogizing with how she felt when he left (as it would likely be worse as I wouldn't come back or visit).

 

We have been talking recently almost exclusively about my acquiring things and needing things for the apartment and when I come over to get more of my stuff. It has been a bit hectic for me and she often tries to ask me a million things and demand answers immediately when I am incredibly busy moving and I wasn't even sure what I might be bringing or what my girlfriend might be bringing. A few times it left me telling her off or saying I didn't want something that I did want when in reality I was just busy and overwhelmed and wanted her to stop bugging me (when I told her I was busy and didn't want to be bugged several times).

 

My mother is at least trying to help. My father only has asked when we can transfer the car title so that he is no longer paying for me. He could care less about anything but money.

[Wesley]

@Lens actually helped me a bit with this last night with our group that meets to talk about self-knowledge and psychology topics. The main thing that was discussed was a lack of connection to anyone there. This resonated a lot with me as I have only felt connected to about one friend at a time for most of my life, and not to my parents. I have made some relationship mistakes in the past because I was with the person only to not feel alone. It is a combination of my not wanting to be vulnerable with people to figure out who accepts it and who rejects is, but also that many of the people I have been with put on these fake expressions and "rubber suits" in order to stop any potential emotional or physical connection. I think the dream also reveals that this was why my mother had children, was to feel connected to someone who was dependent on her- and why she was devastated when my brother left and would be if I left.

 

Last night I did a lot of thinking and cried a little bit. It was small but good for me as it was the first time in 1.5-2 years. This is where I want to go is to gain a real connection to my feelings and to be vulnerable with people. I know a lot of things, but I do not feel them emotionally in the same way that others do. I wanted to go there with my last therapist, but she did not seem capable of it no matter how much I asked for it. This is what I need to work on.

[mandi]

The dream sounds to me like moving out has caused some issues with your family and you are now trying to find yourself after having resented your time with your family.  Perhaps, the discussion on the dream with your mother is actually a symbol for your intuitive feelings about your mother and why she is the way she is.

 

This church sounds like a place you resent having to go.  Basements in dreams usually symbolize the worst moment of our lives or the most uncomfortable darkest thoughts we think.  If you are in this church basement it sounds like a symbol for having bad moment of really resenting having to see people you don't want to see and live in a way that you don't want to live.

 

Either way, you might benefit from using the site like dreambible.com for some ideas.  Search a few symbols.