Seeing Enemies in the Company of Mutual Friends

[MysterionMuffles]

Later this month I will be attending one of my best friend's dinner party, where she will be serving us a storm of new recipes she's been coming up with. There I will get the chance to meet her other friends and feast on delicious vegan meals. However, as much as I look forward to this being a fun and enjoyable time, an old enemy of mine might also attend. An old enemy who I used to consider my best friend. I have been dead set on going to this event since she invited me, but I'm feeling absolute ambivelance on how to deal with this former best friend being there. He was a good friend of mine for more than a decade, but we've always had some tension between us throughout our friendship.  Without getting too much into detail about my history with him (which I will provide in spoilers below if you'd really like to know WHY I feel ambivelance towards him), I just want to say that he became an exploitive and psychologically daunting person to be around as the years went by--until ultimately, late last year I started avoiding contact with him, ignoring his calls and text, and then finally earlier this year I made it clear that I no longer wanted to be friends anymore. How am I supposed to go to this event, still have a good time, and possibly interact with this guy if he approaches me? I don't want to initiate any contact and act as if he's just another stranger at the party I may not get around talking to. I can feel my social anxiety coming already, remembering how he used to humiliate me around other people...I just don't want him to pull the same crap again around strangers. Not that their opinions of me matter, but out of principle that I've grown tired of his destructive ways. What can I do? Do I actively avoid all eye contact and ignore him when he tries to talk to me? Do I act all friendly and pretend to care about what he's been up to? Or, and I feel really uncomfortable about this but...do I ask my current best friend to uninvite him? I find that very manipulative, and although I may be happy with the outcome, I will be robbing her of another guest and him of a possible good time he might have. Now, as to why I hate this guy if you want my most recent history with him...

 

I am tempted to recount our entire history, as I easily can, but I will try to keep this brief and recent. As I've said, I was friends with this guy since we were 13 up until the age of 25. Last year, we were in a band together along with another dude I'm no longer friends with for similar reasons. But the one in particular I'm talking about here...well he brought two shallow and ugly women over to my house during one of our jam sessions. A jam session in which we were supposed to make a new song, but he and the other guy didn't take it seriously and rather chose to think with their dicks. Kind of my fault that I LET him bring these women over and I really thought that we could equally have the time to be creative AND socialize with them. But no, my two so called "friends" decided to drink heavily to get their beer goggles on in order to see these disgusting women as any shred of attractive--and made me feel completely left out AT MY OWN HOUSE. Worst of all, the particular woman my friend was going for...well she already had a boyfriend and she's been cheating on him with my friend for quite the while. I felt betrayed because after having a similar experience of getting a woman to cheat on her boyfriend with me (only as emotional infidelity though and two kisses) I would have thought he'd know from my teenage years that that is just not the way to go. He knows the whole story of that and how it all ended up, but anyways...maybe I'll talk about THAT experience another time. And the other friend...well he was against the idea of having these two women over because he knew my main friend was doing something ignoble. He openly expressed to me how destructive and horrible it was, yet he also chose poon over music. Like in our 1 on 1 conversations we would judge the other friend as desparate and stupid for trying to take a woman from her boyfriend, yet in the company of them, he acted like a drunken fool who ended up puking all over my bathroom floor. That night was very indicative of crappy of friends those two were. The lack of loyalty to me, respect for my property, and a complete disregard for my feelings...it was becoming clear that they were not good friends, and that they haven't been prior to this. Except by then, it finally confirmed all of my fears. THIS NIGHT topped off the shit sandwhich that included; disrespect for my taste in music by constantly criticising it, meanwhile I've never said anything about their loud and abrasive metal and just let them enjoy it in my car. My car in which they've had most of their transportation from that year. I just let them enjoy it and I would only comment if there was something I would like from what they shared. They invaded my home quite a lot with constant self inviting, mooched money off of me even though I was the one who was paid the least out of all of us.

 

I recognized I was giving my power away to them and slowly started limitting what resources they can extract from me. Honestly I can go on forever. And some of this may seem trivial, but I really felt like crap being around these guys. The only merit that kept me with them was the fact that we had so many inside jokes and they were the only two people I knew who could make me laugh really hard almost every night. Though I just wish all that laughter could make up for the neglect of my thoughts and feelings, my musical preferences, and my boundaries. Like I got this feeling that I was there to be the open ear for when THEY wanted to talk up a storm, but when I had something important to talk about and explain in great detail--whether it was my story ideas, philosophical points, sharing my music with them--all of a sudden I got the feeling that my output was unimportant to them. This is getting pretty long and thank you for clicking the spoiler button if you wanted more clarification to know why I'm feeling this way. There's more I can share along the way just to get an insight as to how destructive this particular friend is. But I think for now that is what I'll share.

 

[ribuck]

I have a similar situation with my brother-in-law. When I first met him I thought of him as a friend and a good guy, but then I came to realise that I find his behavior and values totally repugnant and I wish to have nothing to do with him. Although he lives in a different city, our paths do cross from time to time at social occasions.

 

I could avoid situations where I would meet him, or I could ask the hosts to un-invite him. But doing that would elevate him to someone "important" that I need to worry about. Instead, I just ignore him. There are plenty of other people with whom I can socialise at these gatherings. The only way in which I bother about him is to ask the host not to seat me next to him at a meal.

 

It works fine that way. Even if everyone is in the same room, I just hang out on the opposite side of the room from him.

[cherapple]

Does your dinner-party friend know of your feelings about your former friend? Perhaps it would help to just talk to her about your experiences of the other person, and tell her your worries and discomfort. You don't have to ask her to uninvite him, but at least you would have your feelings out in the open with someone else who was present at the party. Then you wouldn't feel alone or isolated in your feelings. She might be willing to help you avoid him, or she might even offer to uninvite him, if she knows the truth. At the very least, she'll know not to put you at the same dinner table. 

[MysterionMuffles]

ribuck: I guess that's one way of going about it. My fear is just that he'll come up to talk to me and either act abrasive like has always been or super nice. I think super nice would piss me off more because I'd be wondering where was this genuine interest in me when we were friends? There was a time where he was kicked out of his house for a couple of weeks and I let him stay at mine, fed him and all that. During that time he respected me, but all of a sudden when he got back on his feet, he gradually became an asshole again. Niceness was only a value when it was beneficial to his own agenda. But yeah, again thanks...I'll just try to sit as far away as possible from him and talk with the other guests more.

 

Cheryl: Yeah she knows. In fact him and her exboyfriend were close friends, so she used to see a lot of this friend of mine. She's always been questionable about his behaviour and character. She has stated to me that she finds him abrasive and unenlightened. Just recently, he broke up with his girlfriend, and even though he hasn't talked to my friend for almost or over a year, all of a sudden he's been opening up to her about how he feels.

 

It puts her in a weird situation because his exgirlfriend was always jealous of her when they used to double date (back when they both had their respective partners). She wants to be there for him because it seems like she's all he has right now for someone to open up to, but she even said that she wants to put a distance on it since she has her own problems to deal with. Furthermore he has never contacted her and all of a sudden he is just for someone to be vulnerable with. I then warned her that he had always wanted to have sex with her since they first met, and I felt a little slimy about that. It's true to some degree, but I wish I didn't mention that because all of his personal disparities are enough for a self knoweldgable person like her to already KNOW to keep some distance from him.

 

Well thanks for your advice Cheryl, I will talk to her about him being there and to seat us as far as possible if he does come. Again, my problem lies in being approached by him and resisting the urge to go up to him and unload about how much better my life is without him now lol. How CAN I act if he comes up to me?

 

I'm having this self serving mindset where if he wants a dialogue it has to be all about how I've been and what I've been up to, and never once asking about his life because it would be the complete opposite of how our friendship was.

[Gnostiphile]

Hi, MorseI'm not sure that I understand how you can be friends with the friend of your enemy.  I'm not saying you can't, I'm just having trouble understanding logically, as well as emotionally.  My best friend in high school was good friends with someone who was an asshole to me.  I felt pretty shitty about that.This is just my opinion, but the way I see it is that inviting someone to a dinner party and "being there for him" is social support and I believe you have said that the guy was verbally abusive towards you.  It would seem then that this friend of yours is supporting your abuser.  Would that be fair to say?It is also confusing to me that your friend treats you the same way they treat someone they deem to be "abrasive and unenlightened" and who's character they question (if I understand correctly).  What do you think (and/or feel)? 

[MysterionMuffles]

To be clear it was an open invitation event via Facebook. They're not at all close as friends. She only knows him because of me when I was friends with him still.

 

I voiced my concerns with her and she told me that she doubts he'll come since FB event attendance is usually inaccurate and its an event you have to pay for. So unless he really cares to try vegan meals for a price in the company of strangers while he's suffering a break up, I hope that doubt is validated.

 

There's still a chance he may come regardless of those factors but I dunno. She's already putting him off from letting her be his shoulder to cry on. Is it immoral or aesthetically negative of me to hope he really learns how to suffer, be alone and in turn learn to introspect. Cause Ill tell you right now if I was still his friend, Id be the first he would confide in, but Ive stripped him of that privelage.

[jonagelle]

Attend the party and do not mind your enemy. It is not good to have an enemy. Enjoy the party. Don't let an enemy to disrupt the happiness you will get. Socialize well. Talk with your friends. You get benefit from this. You are comforted and get fun. You relieve stress. As you must not be stress. Stress is the cause of anxiety. And a too much anxiety may lead to panic attack. So comfort yourself. Be happy in the event. Stay with your good friends and do not make a brawl on enemies. Don't mind them. Let them stay what they want in their life. Imagine they didn't attend the party. Don't be affected with that. It is just nothing. The more you focus in your enemies the more you destroy the day. So don't be affected with him.

 

Nathanael King is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and weight loss & nutritional therapist. He also helps people suffering from panic attacks or social anxiety. He has written a book on how to build confidence instantly using NLP techniques. Please click <a target="_new" href="http://dailyimproveself.com/instantconfidencefree/">here</a> to download now. You can also sign up for weekly newsletter at <a target="_new" href="http://www.SelfProgress.co.uk">http://www.SelfProgress.co.uk</a> for your growth.