Is it "healthy"/"okay" to have a "cuckold" fantasy/fetish?

[Filosophize]

I have a sexual fetish that is very interesting to me psychologically that I wanted to get FDR community's thoughts on...

 

From what I have read online there are various main tenants to this fetish but a lot of people sort of customize or care more about certain aspects of it than others.

 

For me I think it basically revolves around being dominated sexually.

 

I have a sort of "type a" alpha male personality in normal everyday life in my relationships and work etc but when I am having sex I love more than anything else for my partner to dominate me.

 

Now the "cuckold" domination is somewhat specific, it revolves around the idea of the male being monogamous with the girl while the girl is not, in variations of the fetish some people range from pure fantasy "dirty talk" in bed all the way up to actually having other guys brought into the bedroom to have sex with the girl while the husband/boyfriend watches and possibly participates in a submissive manner.

 

This fetish was only sort of placated/tolerated by my g/f in my last relationship, this fetish is much more thoroughly shared/enjoyed in my current relationship.

 

We have not involved any other people in the fetish, we have kept it at the dirty talk, roleplay, toys etc level but have talked about the idea of having another guy come into the bedroom to try it out and see how we felt about it.

 

When I reflect on why I might be attracted to this fetish I think it may be due to the majority of my teenage sexual experiences being with older/more experienced girls who sort of "showed me the ropes" and were very attractive and dominant, also my very first serious girlfriend who I lost my virginity with did cheat on me with an older, more muscular, dominant male, this was of course very humiliating, emasculating at the time but I haven't had any other relationships since then that had any cheating going on. Currently I do "get off" on the idea of my g/f having sex with more "manly" men in front of me or away from me and having her tell me the story of the sex etc..

 

I do feel like this fetish is in fact a "fetish" under the definition of "needing" it in order to gain satisfaction during sex.

 

I am just reflecting on the psychology involved and wondering if the fetish "advances" or becomes more risky in terms of involving other people should I try to tone it down etc...

 

Childhood background:

 

Only major "abuse" was that my father worked 24/7 and essentially wasn't around in any meaningful way outside of paying the bills, no verbal abuse while a young child, did have a lot of arguments, angry teen years where I rebelled against my parents being very very controlling, they eventually gave up trying to control me and I moved relatively quickly after turning 18. Have a good relationship with my mother, even today I don't really have much interest in trying to have a relationship with my father. I recall being spanked maybe a handful of times, soap/tobasco in the mouth for using bad language. But this seemed to only happen a few times and then for w/e reason they stopped and then also never did these "actions" with my younger brothers.

 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuckold

 

http://www.salon.com/2011/11/04/the_fantasy_of_a_cheating_wife/

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201006/kinky-cuckolding-fetish-goes-mainstream/comments

 

http://www.psychforums.com/paraphilias/topic46128.html

[aFireInside]

I found that most of the time that these

fetishes, come directly from abuse.

 

^^^

I have to admite I have the same thing, but not to that

extreme. I think that once that you processe whatever

abouse happened. This will continue, and once you

figure it out it will still take years for it to go away

slowly.

 

I cant tell you my experiance because i dont want to post in public. If you want i could message you what i experiance and how i changed it.

When i say the same thing im talking about a Fetish in general. Not what you have.

[Lens]

What a courageous post!

 

I used to have these fantasies myself and it brought me kind of shame until I exposed it in my therapy and talked about it at length. I will try to explain what I came to understand (with feelings especially fear, shame and also with intellect). 

 

The setup of the cuckold scene is 3 protagonists. Usually 2 men and a woman. One man is the active sexual partner, the woman the passive partner and another man acting a submissive witness and it is all about shame and humiliation.

 

The one really in charge is the woman ordering abuse from the active man and herself abusing and verbally (also physically) the passive man (sissy boy).

 

I found out that is the active man could be the father (big penis), the woman is the mother and the sissy boy is the child usually is a small boy maybe around the age of 2 (small penis) since the passive boy naturally has a small penis like a child has and the father has a bigger penis due to his age just like in the cuckold scene. It is rather painful just to write about it...I continue

 

Again in my mind I would even go to picture in real life the parents kissing each other having fun while the toddler is in the crib alone and ignored and when he expresses his needs he is scorn and even beaten by the mother mainly as she sees her husband as a trophy to make the child jealous and also to castrate her son and show him how insignificant he can be it is extremely sadistic and one cannot believe a young mother doing such a thing but everything is possible. It is a painful painful so painful situation beyond belief for a toddler. Later as every trauma we repeat it to not to feel its pain. Watching cuckold porn could be that escape in repetition compulsion.

 

If you wanna know more about the origin of this trauma even the memory, one thing that someone can do is when the urge to masturbate and watch cuckold porn arises try to not to act out on it and stay on chair and feel the fear. It is mainly pain and fear also a lot of shame. Masturbation is great tool to dissipate this fear. If it is too scary for you to feel these feelings in your body you may wanna talk about it with your psychologist and overcome that shame to get into the anger and sadness. I believe it is a great loss for a child there is a lot of sadness in there, feeling those things is worth it. it takes time though.

 

Please let me know if what I said about my experience rings true to you. There was too much pain involved into recovering these memories.

 

Btw in my case it was my pedophile older brother (18 years older than me) and my sick bitch mother it is just sick and I couldn't do anything about it I was too small!

 

 

Lens

[Filosophize]

To my knowledge I never suffered any sexual abuse in any way shape or form, I never had any sort of walking in on my parents type incident or anything either, I don't see how the above example could connect to my fetish at all... hmmm

[Lens]

To my knowledge I never suffered any sexual abuse in any way shape or form, I never had any sort of walking in on my parents type incident or anything either, I don't see how the above example could connect to my fetish at all... hmmm

 

Thank you for answering that you feel disconnected from my example. I am surprised though by your lack of expressing empathy towards me a small child.

[Filosophize]

Thank you for answering that you feel disconnected from my example. I am surprised though by your lack of expressing empathy towards me a small child.

 

You're right, I apologize, that's horrible that you experienced such abuse. A lack of empathy is a problem that I struggle with, might likely be connected to the OP in some way that I haven't thought about too.

[DaisyAnarchist]

Only major "abuse" was that my father worked 24/7 and essentially wasn't around in any meaningful way outside of paying the bills, no verbal abuse while a young child, did have a lot of arguments, angry teen years where I rebelled against my parents being very very controlling, they eventually gave up trying to control me and I moved relatively quickly after turning 18. Have a good relationship with my mother, even today I don't really have much interest in trying to have a relationship with my father. I recall being spanked maybe a handful of times, soap/tobasco in the mouth for using bad language. But this seemed to only happen a few times and then for w/e reason they stopped and then also never did these "actions" with my younger brothers.

 

 

I am so sorry to hear this. You can take this with a grain of salt, but I think you are minimizing your own abuse. Your father basically said, "you are not worth my time" to you as a child, both your parents were controlling, they hit you- I think the number of times is irrelevant when talking about real damage, and you were shamed (soap/tobasco in the mouth) for speaking a certain way. Do you see any potential connections between your fetish for humiliation... and feeling humiliated and shamed as a child?  

 

I say this mainly based on the information you've given me. I don't know much about what causes sexual acting out and the pursuing of certain fetishes, but based on my own fantasies and experiences (which also were connected with humiliation), I have a strong feeling that I suffered from sexual abuse, however seemingly minor or innocuous it was. Why? Because I have "symptoms," and I did things as a child that I would not feel comfortable at all describing on here. Some of the symptoms I have are panic attacks which sometimes come when I'm alone in a small room with an older adult, dressing modestly and in layers during middle school/high school, refusing to think about sex during a period of my teenage years, sexual acting out when I was older, remembering a feeling of absolute terror when my mom had to change me once or twice in public where people would see me unclothed, being extremely secretive about my sexuality, etc. I am not entirely certain that all of these or any of these indicate sexual abuse, but they certainly seem to point to something amiss sexually. Maybe your mother did not instill a healthy concept of love or sex with you, because she herself did not have this. Obviously your father didn't, because he wasn't there. That could technically be form of sexual abuse, couldn't it? Lack of parental guidance? My father wasn't around for me either. Maybe you suffered sexual abuse in the sense of someone being voyeuristic with you? Maybe your fetish is one of several symptoms of more explicit sexual abuse that you don't want to remember. You could try Lens' suggestion to see if any interesting feelings come up for you. That could be a way to discover something about your fetish.  On a side note, I can understand his pain in writing about his experiences and thoughts on the matter. I feel really uncomfortable posting this.

[Wesley]

I would also like to point out how common sexual abuse is and to add some info to Daisy's post. I never would have thought that I was sexually abused. Until I realized that my parents cutting off half my penis when I was a baby through circumcision is obvious and terrible sexual abuse. Not to mention any spanking on the rear is also terrible sexual abuse and humiliation and also happened to me.

 

Sexual abuse is incredibly common even despite these "common" and "normal" forms of it. I do not remember the statistics, but they were crazy high like 1/3 of women and 1/4 of men were sexually abused. Maybe someone else can back me up on those statistics with more accurate/confirmed ones. Many people do not remember the abuse until later in life.

 

I am not saying necessarily that these things happened to you, only that I would not be surprised if they did and I would be very, very sorry if they did. Sexual abuse is way too common. 

[Filosophize]

Spoke with my g/f today, told her I had recently been thinking about the fetish in an analytical way and trying to determine if I should attempt to get rid of it or keep it and enjoy it.

 

She told me that she would prefer if I didn't have the fetish because she isn't a fan of how there are a lot of emasculating aspects to it. She said she would prefer that I stick to roleplay/fantasy talk in ways that make her feel submissive to "her man"...

 

I do enjoy those types of roleplay/fantasy as well, I think we have done that maybe 1/4th of the time with my fetish and me being submissive about 3/4 of the time.

 

However, she is concerned that if I just stop with the fetish/fantasy that I will feel unsatisfied and become frustrated etc.

 

I think I am going to try and stop cold turkey all at once, no fetish play during sex and no pornography related to the fetish.

 

I want to see how I react and how I feel.

[Mishelle]

Powerful conversation I am so appreciating all the shares, thank you!  All around sexuality can be so very hard to unravel.  What is clear to me is we don't need to have been sexual abused to understand and react from these experiences--they are in the culture, and so in some way we experience them, whether we make that conscious or not.  

 

What this situation brings up for me, aside from the helpful replies before, is "intimacy issues."  I don't think it's a good idea to bypass this with discipline or retraining, it's trying to teach you something important that will take some therapy or other self-discovery techniques to uncover.  That said, I do think sexual play has its crucial role that is perfectly normal and it's just like any other tool, it can be used many ways, some of them not good.  I think when you stop coming to it from a place of judgement more will open up for you on the reasons, then you continue to explore and it gradually falls away, very organically without discipline or harsh intervention.  No one's gotten hurt yet, right, so as long as it stays that way, go light on yourself.  IMHO!

[Supernova]

I'm actually surprised that a thread like this exists on this site, since it is rare enough to find somebody even willing to talk about and analyze this fetish, let alone have it in the first place. 

 

I wanted to offer my input since I have the same fetish, except in my case (since I'm a woman) it's called cuckqueening. I'm lead to believe it is rarer for a woman to have this fetish. Over the past two years I've explored why I have developed it and I've come to several different conclusions. In regards to the OP:

 

 

 

Only major "abuse" was that my father worked 24/7 and essentially wasn't around in any meaningful way outside of paying the bills, no verbal abuse while a young child, did have a lot of arguments, angry teen years where I rebelled against my parents being very very controlling, they eventually gave up trying to control me and I moved relatively quickly after turning 18. Have a good relationship with my mother, even today I don't really have much interest in trying to have a relationship with my father. I recall being spanked maybe a handful of times, soap/tobasco in the mouth for using bad language. But this seemed to only happen a few times and then for w/e reason they stopped and then also never did these "actions" with my younger brothers.

 

This seems to ring true for me also, although my father wasn't absent in my childhood years, he did disappear for the majority of my teen years from age 14 and up. We have a complicated relationship and while there is a physical distance (he lives in Texas and I in the UK, it has been this way for several years as he now lives with his new wife), we also have many personal differences and points of view that have caused problems between us, trying to navigate a way to form a friendship with him consolidating all of this together has proved difficult but not impossible and we talk often. However, our situations don't seem to be that rare, and I have spoken to a few people online with this fetish who did not have an estranged parent at all, or any kind of abusive background.

 

Agree with Mishelle that sexuality is incredibly complex and a fetish, in my opinion, can't be traced back to one singular event, but a series of events that interact with each other over time. I do however believe that my father and his absent role in my life might have something to do with it. For me, it's always the man I am with who has sex with other women in my fantasy, however the Alpha male types do stand out above the rest. I have one particular ex who meets the Alpha male criteria and he features heavily in my fantasies. Perhaps this is our way of dealing with the male figure in our lives who let us down? It seems to be that way, when I read your OP. But then explain those who don't share this in common?

 

I will say however that your last post seems concerning to me. If you recognize that this is a fetish and try to eliminate it altogether, you'll encounter problems. Fetishes don't just 'go away'. They are, for the most part, here to stay, unless you decide to take the route of therapy, and even then there is no guarantee that it will be removed from your psyche entirely. Mostly I am concerned as to why you want to rid yourself of your fetish. Does it harm you? Do your partner's negative feelings toward it have anything to do with your decision to ignore it? Really, this fetish doesn't harm anyone. It is at it's core a form of humiliation, and humiliation is a common theme in sexual fetishes and kinks. But I also want to add in exploring my fetish and why it has come to be, I've come to a level of acceptance. I figure that if I enjoy it, if I can have it while not relying on it entirely for sexual gratification, and if whomever I am with can tolerate it, then that is all I need. Dependency levels will vary from person to person but to be perfectly honest, if you can enjoy sex with your partner without it at least some of the time, why ignore that part of yourself?

 

I've taken my cuckqueen fetish to a point where I accept that I am polyamorous and would be happier in an open relationship, and have expressed this to the men and women in my life. Some are uncomfortable with the idea and I'm still working out the kinks in these relationships, but overall I am happy with where I am at and I am still able to enjoy indulging in other fantasies and fetishes of those whom I am with. Is this at all possible for you? Perhaps instead of over-analyzing your fetish, it's better to accept that it is just a part of who you are, and approach it that way.

 

*EDIT* Also, forgot to address this quote in particular: "She told me that she would prefer if I didn't have the fetish because she isn't a fan of how there are a lot of emasculating aspects to it. She said she would prefer that I stick to roleplay/fantasy talk in ways that make her feel submissive to "her man"...". She seems to hold a traditional view of sex that she has perhaps hidden from you for fear of you leaving her. It sounds like she'd rather you not have this fetish at all and be dominant the majority of the time. Sorry, but I disagree with that entirely. You can't be someone that you are not. If she can't accept that this is who you are, then well, what can I say. I have left people for this very reason.

[Wesley]

I am not sure how much it relates or not, but there is a podcast in the Bronze Premium section entitled "Polyamory and History" and it has very good reviews and may be relevant to this conversation.

[Filosophize]

Thank you for all the replies!

 

My g/f and I have been talking about getting her into therapy for her abusive childhood, she asked if I could come with her and we could also talk about my fetish with the therapist, she says she doesn't want me to "repress" or ignore my fetish, but that she does have a hard time with it sometimes, mostly because she likes seeing me as a masculine dominant man. I agreed to go to therapy with her and talk about the fetish. I do however feel like she needs/should deal with her abusive childhood first since that is likely IMO causing her insecurity/discomfort with the fetish.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on how to deal with the two different topics when going into therapy with her?

One thing I should say to help people understand the fetish: when I have an orgasm, the desire for the fetish completely leaves me, completely, it's very interesting, I feel very peaceful and content (as expected I guess lol) but I have zero desire to continue talking about the fetish or any of it's elements in any way unless I were to try and "get back in the mood"

 

I guess this important due to my understanding that some fetishes are more 24/7 lifestyles than they are specific to only when aroused.

[Mishelle]

Supernova great to hear your input!  This is all daring to discuss, between genders and generations, no less   Your frankness is very refreshing for me!

 

So glad for the therapist for her F, but what about you dear?  On your own, I mean?  It will not be easy to express yourself most authentically in front of your girlfriend, I'm afraid, and certain.

 

Sexuality is like hunger, most times when it's healthy once you've eaten you do not think of it obsessively at least until you're hungry again.  I think it's natural for her to be uncomfortable with this fetish.  It is counter-intuitive to true intimacy, all fetishes are, like all addictions.  She wants your most primal instincts to be to please her, not yourself.  Whether that's fair or not is beside the point, imho, because it's biology.  Food and sex are survival and I think this is why intimacy issues so often play into fetishes.  There's a hunger the infant/child is trying to express, and if it gets ignored whatever in the environment will be cast in that light. Our child-rearing advice of the last few decades has been to get the infant to "self-soothe" by "crying it out" -- this leads to intimacy issues emotionally and sexually later in life because one then fears needs will never be met unless we can and do have the pattern instilled to do it our self.

Just some further ramblings for now.

[Filosophize]

Supernova great to hear your input!  This is all daring to discuss, between genders and generations, no less   Your frankness is very refreshing for me!

 

So glad for the therapist for her F, but what about you dear?  On your own, I mean?  It will not be easy to express yourself most authentically in front of your girlfriend, I'm afraid, and certain.

 

Sexuality is like hunger, most times when it's healthy once you've eaten you do not think of it obsessively at least until you're hungry again.  I think it's natural for her to be uncomfortable with this fetish.  It is counter-intuitive to true intimacy, all fetishes are, like all addictions.  She wants your most primal instincts to be to please her, not yourself.  Whether that's fair or not is beside the point, imho, because it's biology.  Food and sex are survival and I think this is why intimacy issues so often play into fetishes.  There's a hunger the infant/child is trying to express, and if it gets ignored whatever in the environment will be cast in that light. Our child-rearing advice of the last few decades has been to get the infant to "self-soothe" by "crying it out" -- this leads to intimacy issues emotionally and sexually later in life because one then fears needs will never be met unless we can and do have the pattern instilled to do it our self.

Just some further ramblings for now.

 

She has health insurance that would make the therapy very affordable, I do not, well, I have VA coverage but I don't trust the government employees enough to talk to them in such a way, if we get married I will have the same access, we've been together for 2 years and I truly love her, I plan on proposing around the 3 year mark assuming she can get her debt paid off in the next year and go through a year of therapy for her very abusive childhood.

 

I went to therapy as a teenager both solo and with my parents at my request, this was due to my heavy verbal fighting with my parents mostly centering around them trying to control and micro manage every aspect of my life. The therapy was very good for me and it did help get my parents off my back.

 

I guess I am hoping that my g/f can do a year of therapy and come out a lot better off because of it, then we could get married, then I could go to therapy if the fetish was anything other than being happily fulfilled in our relationship.

 

Not opposed to talking about the fetish in her therapy sessions but I guess I just don't feel like my fetish is really a problem, I guess I see the problem as being more around her non being comfortable with it, this sounds selfish I guess, perhaps it is...

 

Does this seem like a good/bad plan?

[Gregory]

Hello, everyone! Let me first express my sympathies for all who have courageously opened up their personal stories of childhood abuse and wretched hardship. I am sorry that you had to go through what you did, at any age. Sexual abuse upon any human being, especially a child, is absolutely vile at its core. It can go unnoticed for years, and certainly rears its ugly manifestations throughout a lifetime for the victim. The courage from this particular post is inspiring. Thank you all for sharing, and I feel it is incumbent upon me to do the same.

 

I feel that my two cents will, hopefully, have relevancy to this discussion, because I have gone through the roller coaster ride of "battling" and "accepting" a fetish, if not multiple in some senses. My reference to "multiple fetishes" may actually just be kinks that evolved from my main sexual development and fixation. I will first start with as much of a disclosure of my childhood to the best of my abilities. Hold on to your butts, everyone. It may be long:

 

Currently, I have no memories before the age of four. Everything after that age remains very well intact and vivid. Interactions and discussions with my mother (my father passed away when I was seventeen) have revealed a number of important insights into my infant and toddler years. I have learned that my mother was not one to let me cry to sleep. In fact, I was a baby that demanded food roughly every two hours until the age of one and a half when I finally adapted to a reasonable circadian rhythm. She had no issues waking up in the middle of the night to feed me. My brother and I received copious amounts of attention from her and my father, including plenty of reading, story-telling, playing with blocks on the floor, etc. One aspect that was missing within our interactions, however, was curiosity and general understanding on my parents behalf: our (my brother and I) hands were slapped multiple times for reaching for things; mistakes were often reprimanded with verbal shaming; and, cordial, empathetic discussion about topics I may have found important as a young boy were avoided. Spanking was present, but not very frequent. Regardless, the threat of spanking caused a fear that NEVER should have been present in the relationship with my parents.

 

One highly relevant insight into this particular discussion happened when I was around the age of two to three. It was not often that we had babysitters when my brother and I were young, which we were definitely too young to understand why mom and dad were leaving us with a stranger, but it happened. Needless to say, it was a horrible mistake on my parents' behalf. My brother, age four or five, and myself were "babysat" by a couple that, years later, were found in possession of childhood pornography. However, that was just the tip of the iceberg: one of his sons was convicted of sexually molesting a two-year-old boy later in life, and the other son was also caught with childhood pornography. Sure, it may not be concrete, but to me, this provided substantial evidence that our "babysitters" not only molested their children (those poor kids) but molested my brother and I as well.

 

The number of occurrences is unknown, but based on my mother's memory, it is at least three. We moved to a new town when I was closer to the age of four. We didn't have a lot of money, but we had all the necessities. We had enough food, water, and we had always had a roof over our head. My father worked, and my mother stayed at home to care for my bother and me. When both of her boys were off to school, my mother started working to bring in extra money for the household. My father, a teacher, was done at three, so we always had a parent present when we got home from our public indoctrination centers. The abuse that my brother and I received at this time included violent language from my father and spanking. One traumatic experience to note: my brother bit my father, (I could only speculate on reasons) and in turn, my father pick him up by the neck and slammed him against the wall. This was so traumatic for me a young kind that I put myself in my brother's position. I remembered it as if it was actually done to me. My mother told my father, after this incident, that if he EVER did anything like that again that she would take my brother and I and leave. Thankfully, he never did do anything like that again, and worked on his anger instead. Although, it would have been much better if he had sought professional help for it. Perhaps, the spanking would have stopped much earlier then.

 

Right around the age of five is when I started having manifestations, of which I remember, of my particular fetish -- vorarephilia, aka "vore." Vore, in its essence, is a fetish about consuming or eating. Majority of people who are "vores" fantasize about being swallowed/eaten whole and alive by someone or something. This was the category where I fell; I was prey. It all started with a vivid dream that I remember to this day. Without going into much detail, (I will spare you) it involved all aspects that could be considered vore: oral, anal, genital, etc. This was all at the age of five. Definitely not an age I would consider normally conducive to producing such highly sexual and fetishistic material. From there on out, innocently enough, the imaginary games that I would play involved some type of monster that would eat us whole, like mutant frogs, or giant snakes and worms. Unbeknownst to me, I would not realize until puberty that it was something that could arouse me easily.

 

At eleven years of age, I had cancer. It was a factor that definitely had its effect on my sexual development during puberty as it came back when I thirteen. In addition to battling cancer, I was convincing myself that I was some kind of freak. Who the hell else could like such a thing? This revealed what was another essential piece that was missing in the relationship with my parents -- I felt I could never be honest with them about how I often felt, especially when it came to sex. How could I? I was a freak in my mind.

 

The fetish slowly evolved into other attractions or kinks, but I assume, perhaps incorrectly, that they were always a part of my dysfunctional brand of sexuality. I found that I was attracted to anyone, or anything, that had a big, fat belly. Perhaps, it was the fantasy that I could fit into it or whatnot. In addition, in reference to my mention of "anything," I found that the "characters" I was attracted to did not have to be human. They could be animals, monsters, aliens, etc. This lead me to the conclusion that, in such a respect, I am a furry as well. This sums up the extensive development of my sexuality.

 

Coming out in complete, heart-wrenching honesty to my mother and my friends was a difficult journey, but it was one that I decided was necessary for my own well-being. I can thankfully say that I am grateful to have the people that I do in my life. Reception of the idea was, of course, that it was odd to them, but they enjoyed the fact that I could open up such a vulnerable part of my being to them. They remained curious, and even asked question that I never would have thought would come from them. Fortunately, as I know this won't be the same for everyone, it was an amazing and enlightening experience for me: to know that I could finally be absolutely honest in all respects with the people in my life.

 

Since then, I have found a great boyfriend, and we do our best to work on having a RTR. My fetish has raised some issues in accordance to his childhood abuse, but our abilities to negotiate and express our feelings in real time have helped greatly. My goal from the start of the relationship, which was our plan "Z," the one we both wanted, was to establish regular, healthy, intimate sex for majority of our sex-life. Fetish fantasies remain a "treat" that I look forward to every now and then, but it is not necessary for us. I love the "normal" sex that we have, and I love the times that I get to explore some of my fantasies. Obviously, vore isn't something that I can explore within reality, nor would I want to. The best part of getting that sexual "ice cream" every now and then: he likes the extra bit of happiness that I get when we do. The hard part: it has to involve another person.

 

My boyfriend wanted to reach a healthy weight: a goal that I love and help him achieve. From the beginning, though, we knew that a healthy weight was not what I was sexually attracted to. In turn, we agreed to terms of an open relationship that would allow me to appease that part of my sexual psyche. The interesting development: it is not a desire that comes too often. We've established such an intimate sexual life together that it has almost become unnecessary. It will always be there, yes, but he is fine in exploring those feeling that arise together with me. Even if that includes a roll in the sheets with another man or woman. It has definitely been a wonderful two years with my man.

 

That being said, he still gets feelings of insecurity. Sexual interactions that I may have with another person, usually, someone that we both consider a friend, can come as a blow to his self-image. He gets the feeling that he is worthless if he cannot provide ALL of my happiness. This is something we spend a lot of time exploring as it does not only revolved around the aspect of sex. I remain curious and love talking with him about these feelings, and I explain that it is best if he remains curious about them as well. Doing that leads to further exploration, and perhaps, discovery.

 

I do have the future goal of becoming a polyamorous family, and I want him along for the ride if he chooses. Both of us need therapy, which we will be starting soon, before we make that move, however. We have done well to admit much of our childhood abuses, but there is still much progress that we need to make together in getting the proper tools to work through our personal and interpersonal issues. We already have a fair foundation. We just need to make sure it's sturdy enough to last a lifetime.

 

Hopefully, some of this helps as there are a fair number of people that have to work through similar issues in their own lives. It certainly is an issue in my life, but I try to take an optimistic view of it in the sense of remaining curious to the amazing, sometimes odd, developments of this world and the feelings of those I love. A fetish is an interesting aspect of life, and I think it should remain as such if we wish to learn more about them. In closing, allow yourself the necessary curiosity in regards to your fetish. It is a part of your life and mind and deserves due processing.

 

As a note: personally, I would do my best to go through therapy before making a large commitment such as marriage.

 

Thank you for everyone's bravery and a wonderful discussion!

[Filosophize]

This fetish has now started to cause issues in my relationship, my g/f does not want to be dominant in bed and says that she would prefer to be dominated in bed instead. My g/f seems to have not enjoyed my fetish as much as I thought she has, she is now saying that it makes her look differently at me, hard to see me as "a man" after she dominates me in bed.

 

I am distrought, I will often swear off ever asking her to be dominate in bed ever again and then when the opportunity comes around again it's insanely hard for me resist it.

[Gregory]

I am terribly sorry to hear that. How did hearing that make you feel, and were you able to be authentic about your feelings? To me, however, using the words "It's hard for me to see you as a 'man'" is a means to shut a man down. I would be enraged and irritated at such a statement, and it would be difficult for me to respond. Did she at all say from the beginning that she knew it was important to you and that she wanted to offer the support and understanding in this difficult situation before stating her feelings on the matter? Where is the compassion for your past and your collection of experiences?

 

I could be entirely wrong about this, but tell me if it seems to make any sense to you. My thought is that your relationship has formed into the roles of co-dependent and emotional manipulator. Where the actions and behaviors of one are controlled and ruled by the feelings of the other. This is what is often seen when a child does not differentiate from his or her parent in due time. In time, the mature development of children is to become independent thinking and emotional agents with matured self-awareness and understanding of one's boundaries.

 

This is a bit fresh in my mind, because this is the current topic of my therapy sessions. My homework has been to recognize what constitutes toxic or nurturing relationships and my behaviors that would coincide with those relationships. Throughout most of my life I had been a co-dependent to my parents, especially my mother. It wasn't until I left home and was pushed to the point by other emotional manipulators that I finally started to say what my body was trying to say for so many years - "No!" That was a big reason that I had cancer when I was eleven years old. Because of my fetish, I was giving so much of myself up and putting myself down so much when I reached puberty that my body said it for me in the form of a life-threatening disease. In fact, I didn't do anything to find the root cause of my illness, so I got the exact same type of cancer two years after the first time. When I finally developed my "skin" in the form of self-awareness, authenticity, and boundaries, I never had cancer since. I'll put a link to a video by Gabor Mate, which was fairly enlightening for me. I know that it probably won't match up with your current situation, but perhaps it can add some degree of insight into other areas.

 

Fetishes, I believe, get hard-wired in our brains, (most likely through abuse and/or abnormal sexual imprinting) so it is good for a fetishist to have someone in their life who can provide understanding, support, and compassion for our past and present experiences. They don't necessarily need to participate in the fetish, but the importance of it in their partners life should be recognized and attended to with love. That support and compassion is also something that fetishists must learn to provide themselves. A great way to do this is through a good therapist. My therapist has been awesome in our discussions of my sexual fetish. The fetish in and of itself is not a moral issue. Only our actions could ever be considered in such a way. If it is causing problems in your relationships, then it is very good reason to talk to an expert therapist, one who hopefully specializes in sexual therapy and early child development.

 

Have you guys gone to see a therapist together yet?

 

I hope some of this is helpful in some way. Please, tell me if I am wrong somewhere.

 

Here is the link I was talking about: 

[Three]

This is a fascinating topic. Stef runs through the basics of sexual imprinting in the last 3rd of this call in show.Hope this helps!http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_2644_Wednesday_Show_19_Mar_2014.mp3

[Gregory]

 

 

This is a fascinating topic. Stef runs through the basics of sexual imprinting in the last 3rd of this call in show.

 

 

Thank you for that link, Joel.

 

In all honesty, to put it out there, that last caller was actually me. It was my hope that in opening my experiences up, I could provide some insight for not only myself but others who may have suffered some of the same experiences. It was quite difficult to talk about, but that was a good sign. And it ended up being a great talk. I hope that it does provide some insight.

[Filosophize]

I am terribly sorry to hear that. How did hearing that make you feel, and were you able to be authentic about your feelings? To me, however, using the words "It's hard for me to see you as a 'man'" is a means to shut a man down. I would be enraged and irritated at such a statement, and it would be difficult for me to respond. Did she at all say from the beginning that she knew it was important to you and that she wanted to offer the support and understanding in this difficult situation before stating her feelings on the matter? Where is the compassion for your past and your collection of experiences?

 

I could be entirely wrong about this, but tell me if it seems to make any sense to you. My thought is that your relationship has formed into the roles of co-dependent and emotional manipulator. Where the actions and behaviors of one are controlled and ruled by the feelings of the other. This is what is often seen when a child does not differentiate from his or her parent in due time. In time, the mature development of children is to become independent thinking and emotional agents with matured self-awareness and understanding of one's boundaries.

 

This is a bit fresh in my mind, because this is the current topic of my therapy sessions. My homework has been to recognize what constitutes toxic or nurturing relationships and my behaviors that would coincide with those relationships. Throughout most of my life I had been a co-dependent to my parents, especially my mother. It wasn't until I left home and was pushed to the point by other emotional manipulators that I finally started to say what my body was trying to say for so many years - "No!" That was a big reason that I had cancer when I was eleven years old. Because of my fetish, I was giving so much of myself up and putting myself down so much when I reached puberty that my body said it for me in the form of a life-threatening disease. In fact, I didn't do anything to find the root cause of my illness, so I got the exact same type of cancer two years after the first time. When I finally developed my "skin" in the form of self-awareness, authenticity, and boundaries, I never had cancer since. I'll put a link to a video by Gabor Mate, which was fairly enlightening for me. I know that it probably won't match up with your current situation, but perhaps it can add some degree of insight into other areas.

 

Fetishes, I believe, get hard-wired in our brains, (most likely through abuse and/or abnormal sexual imprinting) so it is good for a fetishist to have someone in their life who can provide understanding, support, and compassion for our past and present experiences. They don't necessarily need to participate in the fetish, but the importance of it in their partners life should be recognized and attended to with love. That support and compassion is also something that fetishists must learn to provide themselves. A great way to do this is through a good therapist. My therapist has been awesome in our discussions of my sexual fetish. The fetish in and of itself is not a moral issue. Only our actions could ever be considered in such a way. If it is causing problems in your relationships, then it is very good reason to talk to an expert therapist, one who hopefully specializes in sexual therapy and early child development.

 

Have you guys gone to see a therapist together yet?

 

I hope some of this is helpful in some way. Please, tell me if I am wrong somewhere.

 

Here is the link I was talking about: 

She is currently going to therapy twice a month (max allowed by her healthcare provider) to work through her astoundingly bad childhood.

 

I did about 2 years of therapy many years ago when I had been having major verbal fights with my parents, it was helpful.

 

Hearing her reject the fetish and explain that it may even have damaged her perception of me outside of the realm of the fetish was devastating, I feel destroyed when I think about it.

 

We had a talk/fight about it last night that did not go well.

 

A few months ago she had requested that we not engage in the fetish style sex more than once per week which I agreed to, so last night we tried to engage in the fetish sex since it had been a week or two since the last time and she was in a very good mood when she got home from work.

 

However I became very frustrated during the sex with her lack of enthusiasm, she did not seem even remotely "in to it" and when this happens it totally kills the mood for me.

 

When I stopped the sex and brought up my frustration she became very upset, she said that it is my fault for not focusing on her at all during the sex, which is hard since that fetish is very focused on her dominating me and me being very passive...

 

She actually went so far as to storm off into the other room and call me a "fucking idiot" for not realizing why she wasn't "into it"

 

This was very painful, I felt numb and still do this morning. She came back into the room last night ~10mins later and apologized and we dropped the conversation and went to bed.

 

This morning she was gone for work before I got up and I sent her a text stating how horrible I feel and that a huge part of me just wants to throw everything away that has anything to do with the fetish and never do it any of it ever again. I apologized for being selfish in the sex as well.

 

She said she is not mad or upset, and apologized again for the name calling last night, says she loves me and that we are ok, said we should go to the beach and relax on our next mutual day off.

 

I can't help but feel like the issue has not really been addressed at all, I have a deep sinking feeling in my stomach that the same thing will happen again should we try to have the fetish related sex again.

 

I am having a really hard time trying to look at the situation objectively, and problem solve any possible solutions, I feel so down, I feel scared that our relationship may not work if I can't find a resolution.

 

If there was a pill I could take to just wipe the fetish from my head and be perfectly satisfied with completely average normal sex I would sell my soul to take it.

[Gregory]

 

 

If there was a pill I could take to just wipe the fetish from my head and be perfectly satisfied with completely average normal sex I would sell my soul to take it.

 

 

This is heart-wrenching for me to hear. I'm am so sorry. I know that feeling all too much. So often I told myself the same thing, knowing that it wasn't possible.

 

Please, tell me more. Would you say the fetish is necessary for you to enjoy sex, then?

[Filosophize]

This is heart-wrenching for me to hear. I'm am so sorry. I know that feeling all too much. So often I told myself the same thing, knowing that it wasn't possible.

 

Please, tell me more. Would you say the fetish is necessary for you to enjoy sex, then?

 

Yes, because even if we are not actively engaged in the fetish type sex/scenarios/talk I just imagine it in my head while we have sex. I can have quick plain sex sometimes and still reach orgasm, I just don't feel remotely fulfilled by it.

[Gregory]

I am glad to hear that she has been seeing a therapist for her past. Have you gone with her to any of her sessions? I think that would be very helpful.

 

How do you guys discuss your expectations before you have sex? Do you try both try to negotiate that plan Z - the plan that both of you would enjoy?

 

I know this is a very touchy and personal subject, so I will do my best to keep this practical and not go much into specifics. I'm just running some scenarios in my mind, but have you thought of some roleplay where you start off as a submissive male, and after a while of her taking control, you turn the tables on her and become the dominant male to satisfy her? What about the opposite? The act of sex is, after all, a two-person show. My mate and I shift things up even throughout the act based on our dynamic desires. Honest communication needs to happen before, during, and after sex, too. How often do you guys discuss after sex what could be done the next time to satisfy both of you?

 

Obviously, as Stefan say, I can never tell you what to do. But is any of this feedback helpful?

[Mishelle]

I'd vowed to stay away from the boards as I work through some deep issues from my own past, but this conversation shows so much courage and transparency I've decided I'd like to chime in to offer a woman's perspective.  I think the responses so far have shown a lot of insight, but I think I can offer a bit of the feminine which might be helpful.

 

Just as Stef has pointed out many times, there is a kind of biological and historical tendency for men to want to be the woman's White Knight, which I completely agree with and understand, still this must be made conscious by men and women in order to overcome it and advance socially toward a more egalitarian society. The woman's version of this is to erase her needs in order to fulfill the needs of others.  The younger generation of women are really rebelling against this now, so maybe it's not as visible as in my own generation, but these things don't just disappear that quickly.  In both cases, it's a way for each gender to secure their position in the tribe--men want to be approved of and being the woman's White Knight gains loads of social approval. Women want to create safety for themselves, and being "all things to all people" is a sure-fire way to achieve this.

 

Your gf's outburst, while very hurtful, I really get that, was her way of rebelling against not getting her needs met.  Your fetish has ultimately nothing to do with her, you would have it with any other woman, or alone.  She feels invisible and authentically and spontaneously expressed this, then felt guilty about hurting you.  But, it is not her job to fulfill your needs, just as it is not your job to "save her."  Still, these things are hard-wired at this stage of our development.  Sex is more intimate and more dangerous for a woman.  While you may think being submissive to her negates this, in fact, it amplifies it.  As a dominate in the sexual realm, she can better gauge your trustworthiness, and reaffirm that to herself, because she can see and feel what you do with power.

 

One thing Stef says that totally resonates with me is, paraphrasing: What you feed grows, what you starve fades away.  Now I don't believe in "self-discipline" as a cure to these issues, I think that's like going on a diet, ultimately it fails.  But I do believe he's right, and that by "starving" in this case it means going deep into the past to sort through the source of the fetish and intellectually coming to terms with it so that you can consciously make different choices in future.  As you continually and consciously make different choices, then you will find this fetish fades away and is replaced by authentic intimacy which revels in meeting your gf's needs and desires, and not continually seeking her to meet yours.

 

You mentioned you cut back to once a week or so to have this desire met, but this does not address the fundamental issue.  This is like "the diet."  That's why nothing else feels as satisfying--you want chocolate donuts and nothing else but chocolate donuts will do.  A better approach, imo, would be, each time you want a chocolate donut, use this as the jumping off point for exploring together or alone, this particular craving.  Like Proust has so eloquently written about with the Madelienes, the smell alone is taking you somewhere far back into your childhood, everything is a trigger pointing you to that particular place.  You ARE able to get aroused and stay aroused and orgasm and be satisfied with lots of different kinds of donuts, but something is holding you in this pattern until you get to the bottom of it and allow it to float to the surface.  Again, to paraphrase Stef, the trauma will keep reasserting itself until it's dealt with.  A fetish is like an addiction, until you treat it like an addiction, with the appropriate compassion of course, it will not be released.

 

Good luck dear, you've shown a huge amount of courage and I really think that's amazing!  The first step, to be cliché, is always the hardest, admitting there is a problem.

[Prairie]

Michael Bader's Arousal offers an explanation for sexual fantasies: neutralization of anxieties etc. that make one feel unsafe. In this explanation, wanting to be dominated might be to offset a sense of being obligated to bring pleasure to the other person, to be in a position where you are merely along for the ride while someone else runs the show. I liked this line of explanation because it first of all is a benign explanation that doesn't take the fantasies as literal desires, but as strategies that are employed because of some side-effect that gives one peace from the effects of mistreatment earlier in life. It offers a starting point for all sorts of creative inquiry into what the fantasies are offsetting, places to start in lines of a self-knowledge expedition. The feelings are so intense that it can make breaking through to deep things easier once something is decoded. Once things like this are seen as crutches, it's hard not to want to find and heal the injury they were originally taken up for, so they can be a temporary part of life as crutches should be.

[Gregory]

Thank you for the added feedback everyone. I really like your perspective, Mishelle. You are definitely right! Compassionate consideration and understanding of her authentic experiences and preferences are just as important. I feel there is a breakdown in honest communication, and a trip with both of you to the therapist would be very helpful. Part of that communication is recognizing a partner's feelings as well and meeting them at their level with compassion.

 

My therapist gave a great example about how this often goes with couples. One come how from work having had a horrible day. That partner is currently in a state of arousal and stress (limbic system.) But their partner has had a good day, is very calm, and able to think well and rationalize (neocortex.) She explains that she has had a horrible day at work and is looking for her feelings to be recognized and authenticated and to receive the security and comfort that comes from that. She will not be interesting in rationalizing her day at this point because her neocortex is not currently as active. She proceeds to explain her day to him, but he tell her that it sound as if she is just blowing everything out of proportion. Perhaps she is, but that is not going to register or be important to her at this point. Because of already being in a state of stress, she can easily perceive this as an attack or threat. The part of the limbic system that forms loving bonds and attachments will not be activated due to his approach and the situation is likely to escalate. In fact, the escalation takes place in order for her to force him down to her level. She may decide to throw an insult his way to achieve this. If, while they are both in the limbic system, recognition of feelings is not met and bonding has not been reinforced in the past, then it is likely to escalate even further. This is where flight or fight will happen by one party. For example, he may storm out of the room in frustration on stonewall. It is not until they both sooth themselves and calm down to the point that they re-enter their higher brain functions that they even approach the other to discuss what had happened.

 

The escalation was unlikely to happen if he had met her in the limbic system from the start. If he had come down to recognize her pain, fear, and anger from an emotionally trying day, they would have met in the bonding part of the brain where the feeling of security and comfort with a person originates. This is usually done with what you may know as those "mirror" neurons, which is why those who lack normal amounts of mirror neurons can have difficulty with empathy and connecting emotionally with others. Together, they calm down and the blood returns to their neocortexes so they may both approach a discussion of her day with honesty, compassion, and rationality. This is a recollection of an example my therapist gave me to the best of my ability. I hope it makes some sense and can clarify what could be happening on a different level.

 

Also...

 

I wanted to add something to this discussion that may be missed by those without a fetish. I will try my best to communicate this well, but I may end up failing. First, a fetish does not have to be necessary for arousal in order to still be classified as a fetish. It is also the same for paraphilias. And in many instances, a person often refers to their paraphilia as a fetish. Paraphilias could, in a way, be understood as a type of sexual orientation, meaning that is determinate in what they truly find attractive. In fact, homosexuality was once considered a paraphilia. This may, or may not, be the case with a fetish.

 

Personally, I can have fulfilling intimacy with my partner without the use of my fetish, which is actually a paraphilia of mine. However, it is and will remain a part of my sexuality, and I would be disingenuous if I said that it did not provide the highest sexual pleasure for me. There are so many aspects to an intimate relationships. Sexual pleasure alone pales in comparison to a truly fulfilling intimacy in all regards - e.g. security, comfort, emotional connection, loving attachment, etc. It is not my intention to debate whether or not a fetish should be practiced. That is of the sole discretion of the participants. Love is already difficult for people without a fetish.

 

I give my own account and experience to explain that a person who has a fetish/paraphilia can adapt to normal intimacy, but sexual development of each human being is so foundational to our biology and neurobiology that the paraphilia will never be eliminated. Nor do I believe that elimination should ever be a goal. I would equate it to an aspiration of being "perfect," which will only causes a person to become overwhelmed, thus abandoning such a fool's errand. A search for fulfilling intimacy requires that the preferences and desires of each partner are considered and dealt with compassion in real time. When real, honest, and loving attachment, security, and comfort is found between authentic-expressing individuals, the fulfilling intimacy, with or without the fetish, comes naturally. This has been the progression of love with my partner.

 

In my own sessions with a therapist who specializes in early child development and sexual therapy, the focus has never been on my paraphilia. It has always been on how my past experiences, trauma, and abuse have affected how I form relationships with others. It is a lot more about learning how loving bonds are formed between a healthy parent and child by means of security, affection, touch, understanding, soothing, compassion, negotiation, and so on. Fulfilling sexual intimacy comes when these nurturing factors are reproduced in a healthy, loving adult relationship. The fetish will be a factor for those who have one, as it cannot be removed from one's limbic and cortical network, but it is a very small player compared to everything else required for fulfilling intimacy. Love must come first. The good sex will come with it.

 

Wow, that was a bit long, but I sure do hope that it makes sense and adds something further to this discussion.

 

Thank you again everyone for your feedback, compassion, and courage!

[Mishelle]

Thanks for these explanations and teaching me a new word--paraphilia!  I had to look it up, but I understand better now how it will remain always "part of the self" though may decrease in significance.  I'm reminded of a friend, a lesbian, and I think her story might fit in well here.

 

She was a masochist--a submissive, in a "club" for this, so it was the whole nine yards--costumes, chains, piercings.  This was something she did with her partner on a weekly basis--who was a sadist-- for many years, and it was VERY hardcore stuff.  When she told me stories of her experiences there, I was seriously blown off my rocker.  She went to therapy for many years where she was able to link this experience with being sexually abused by her father, and to "shift" the responsibility for these experiences onto the appropriate target--him, and not herself.  There was of course a lot of shame tied into these experiences, and repeatedly putting herself in that dangerous position, and reliving the shame and recognizing it for what it was, was the pattern that had to be broken.  She is now in a healthy relationship with a dear friend of mine and has no desire to return to this paraphilia, and she's able to speak about it with great clarity and non-attachment.  Still, in her career choice I can see vestiges of this "past life" -- she's a traveling trauma nurse, and specifically chooses those inner-city hospitals where the action is the heaviest.  So, it would seem, an unhealthy expression of her past has been turned into a gift for others, one that very few others would be able to handle.  I find that to be very powerful. 

 

Thanks for the education and conversation and words of appreciation, it's nice to be in such a civilized conversation about such difficult challenges.

[Quadrewple]

I recall being spanked maybe a handful of times, soap/tobasco in the mouth for using bad language.

 

http://www.whale.to/a/johnson.html

 

I'd recommend you check out this article on spanking.  I think Stef has touched on this before, but there are strong arguments to be made that spanking is sexual abuse which are encapsulated quite well in this article.  You never detailed how these spankings occured - i.e. if it was your mom or dad, if one parent convinced the other to spank you, etc, what you were spanked for, if it was bare bottom, etc (perhaps none of this is irrelevant though).  No matter what the circumstances surrounding the spankings, I can definitely see how there could be a connection between being humiliated in a sexual way and having cuckold fantasies later in life. 

 

For example, if it was your dad spanking you and it was your mom instigating it, then it would be a woman getting a bigger, stronger male to sexually humiliate you (same as a cuckold situation) and also, if it was your mom spanking you and your dad instigating it, it would be a bigger, stronger man getting a woman to sexually humiliate you (same as the verbal abuse from the female to the weak male in the stereotypical cuckold situation).  And if either parent spanked you without goading from the other, I would assume that the other parent would still find out and would be sleeping with someone who advocated the sexual shaming of a child.  No matter how you slice it, there's plenty of shame involved and an area which is associated with sexuality was involved.

 

By the way, it's terrible that you were abused as a child and for that and all the aftereffects of that, whatever they may be, I'm sorry that those were your experiences.

[Mishelle]

Excellent article, thanks for sharing--definitely a keeper and worth quoting in future.

[MMX2010]

I don't have any fetishes, but I wanted to say that I like this conversation very much, and am proud of the honesty / openness displayed in it. 

[Filosophize]

Thank you all so much for all the replies, I apologize for my delay in responding.

 

She spoke with her therapist about my fetish and the therapist asked for me to attend their next session and I did.

 

It was very helpful and seemed to put my g/f at ease with the fetish.

 

There are a lot of aspects to my kink/fetish that I seem to enjoy and be attracted to and also seem to fluctuate in the level of arousal they cause for me.

 

At the advisement of the therapist I have been working very hard to let my g/f know what it is that I like but to not demand it of her, basically let her steer things toward the fetish play during sex should she feel comfortable with it.

 

This has been hard for me but is getting progrssively easier surprisingly quickly and seems to be working very well.

 

Last night we had what I would consider the best sex of our relationship and she was very dominate, controlling, lots of fetish talk, etc and she also agreed that it was the best sex we have had in a very long time for her.

 

She opened up to me about how her recent dedication to working out has also helped her feel more confident.

 

She also explained that she now feels much more comfortable with the fetish play since she doesn't fear that I am going to announce that I am gay or a woman on the inside or anything like that.

 

I am feeling very positive and happy with things right now and what's odd is that I feel significantly less desire for the fetish play for some reason, I still enjoy it but I don't feel like it's all consuming like I did a month or so ago, I think maybe I was just so worried that this itch would never be scratched that I was freaking out a little bit.

[ThomasPaineintheArse]

if your fantasy stems from self-worth issues, then its bad.  examine your self-worth very carefully, I would say.  your fantasy may be saying, "I'm not as good or desirable as other men," or, "all women are sluts."  I don't think either of those negative messages should be fed and nurtured.