Can An Only Child Have A Sibling in the IFS?

[Melesina]

Can there be a sibling in my IFS, when I'm an only child?

 

There were times in my youth when I often wished I'd had a brother. As a spindly and shy girl  growing up, I rarely felt confident in myself. I spent a lot of time thinking, and would ponder how much better my life would be, if only I had a brother to give me advice, to protect me, and to share in the authority of my parents.

 

A number of years later, my mom and I were sitting alone at the dining room table having a conversation. I think I was in my 30's at the time. Though I'm not sure how the topic came up, nor do I recall having mentioned it to her before, I admitted to her that I had always wished I'd had a sibling. It felt like I was confiding a big secret. Then, I asked her why she and dad had decided not to have any more children.

 

She grew sad and her answer was not one I had expected. She told me that she got pregnant again within weeks after I was born. She went on to tell me that she had lost the baby in a miscarriage and it had been due to an error made by the doctor who had delivered me.

 

(Alert for any men who get queasy at the mention of the birth process, be forewarned.)

 

She said the doctor had neglected to remove the afterbirth after I was born and that it had caused the miscarriage of the pregnancy that followed. She said she was never able to get pregnant again afterwards. She began crying and I recall telling her how sorry I was. I got up and hugged her until she regained her composure.

 

After the conversation, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was at fault somehow for the miscarriage. I'm not sure why I felt responsible, but I did. It was obviously the incompetence of an ill-trained doctor, but was it something in the way she had told me or was it something in the way I processed her answer to my question that made me feel otherwise?

 

Though I didn't mention it to my mom (and we've never discussed it since), I went through a period of grief after that conversation. Grief for the loss of my sibling. Grief that I had somehow caused it. It was a deep sense of bereavement.

 

To console myself through the grief, in my mind, I created the brother I never had. I mourned him. I embraced him. I visualized him. I imagined what it would have been like to grow up together.

 

Did I answer the very question I began with? Do I carry him with me still?

 

Upon reflection, I'd say yes, there can be a sibling in my IFS. Though I'm an only child, I feel I have a sibling and he lives in me. I'm not sure what role he plays yet. Perhaps he's been there all along as the one who helps me find answers to life's unknowns and the place to hide when I feel threatened. It seems time to pay him a visit and to get to know him better.

 

I welcome any input from others who have experience with the IFS and can advise me if this is indeed possible. And also any input as to why I would have felt responsible for the loss.

 

[Stephen C]

I'd like to write down more, but I don't have much time right now.I wanted to hop in and say that I have no children, but I have a daughter Part of me. When I discovered her she was just a baby on the bathroom floor in my fathers house and now she has her own room in my heart, She asked for Mister Rogers, so he is there with her. She has all kinds of art supplies and flowers on the wall paper. She's the strongest and spunkiest Part in my system and I admire her a lot. 

[MysterionMuffles]

 I'm still new to IFS so I'm making wild assertions here.

 

First of all of course I am sorry for your loss of almost having had a real sibling. That must be heartbreaking for both of you equally. I think it's quite possible that your inner-brother is what you want him to be. Creating the kind of advice contrary to your own that he would have given you, as a way to console the harsh reality of his non-existence even though he would've been younger than you, or maybe even a girl. 

 

Stephen, when you have the time, I'd like to read your rational behind having adapted a daughter part within yourself and why she exists.

[Pepin]

The parts within you don't have to be consistent with your reality. As a blatant example, many people have parts that take the form of a fictional creature or an animal. Many parts will associate themselves with other parts either in negative or positive ways, and I'd say that this is just an example of that.

[Melesina]

Stephen,

Thank you for responding. I'm really interested in hearing more about having a daughter in your IFS. I hope you do come back and share more about finding her. I've been hearing about IFS for over a year, but I've only now summoned up enough courage (for lack of a better way to define it) to research it further and find out about my own. I'm feeling nervous about it.

 

Morse,

It had been a long time since I thought about the loss. Rediscovering it, so to speak, brought back up the sadness. Your sympathies are appreciated.

 

Pepin,

I had no idea about so many possibilities in the IFS. It certainly opens up an entirely new realm for me to think about.

 

I purchased two self-therapy (using the IFS system) books this week and will hopefully have time to start them this weekend. Unlike listening to the podcasts everywhere I go, I'm guessing the IFS material is something I'll probably want to cover while at home with time to meditate. Is that what others find as well?

[Stephen C]

Can there be a sibling in my IFS, when I'm an only child?

 

I believe so, yes. Have you met such a part? Perhaps you can ask it to tell it's story.

 

There were times in my youth when I often wished I'd had a brother. As a spindly and shy girl  growing up, I rarely felt confident in myself. I spent a lot of time thinking, and would ponder how much better my life would be, if only I had a brother to give me advice, to protect me, and to share in the authority of my parents.

 

I was an only child also. I recall wishing I had a twin to share all the burdens I had stacked on my shoulders. I was once writing a story about it for homework and I asked my mother for help with it. She had very little patience and began attacking me for taking too long and thinking too much about it. 

 

I'm sorry you didn't have someone close to you that could share useful advice and protect you. Now you are an adult and in my limited experience of you so far a compassionate and intelligent one, you can be that person for you as a child. Something I have worked on in therapy and on my own is revisiting traumatic moments that stand out in my history and seeing what I would do if I, as an adult, were there at the time. This has been a useful thought exercise for me.

 

 

A number of years later, my mom and I were sitting alone at the dining room table having a conversation. I think I was in my 30's at the time. Though I'm not sure how the topic came up, nor do I recall having mentioned it to her before, I admitted to her that I had always wished I'd had a sibling. It felt like I was confiding a big secret. Then, I asked her why she and dad had decided not to have any more children.

 

 

She grew sad and her answer was not one I had expected. She told me that she got pregnant again within weeks after I was born. She went on to tell me that she had lost the baby in a miscarriage and it had been due to an error made by the doctor who had delivered me.

 

(Alert for any men who get queasy at the mention of the birth process, be forewarned.)

 

She said the doctor had neglected to remove the afterbirth after I was born and that it had caused the miscarriage of the pregnancy that followed. She said she was never able to get pregnant again afterwards. She began crying and I recall telling her how sorry I was. I got up and hugged her until she regained her composure.

 

In my opinion, this reveals a huge lack of empathy and curiosity about you as a person from your mother, which I assume has been the case through your entire life. You were trying to talk about something you felt and thought and instead of your mother trying to find out more about you she totally flipped the focus onto her and her feelings and thoughts. You, being someone that had been trained for years to kill yourself for your mothers corrupt agenda, took the role she's trained you to take for her. You discarded your feelings and thoughts to console her. This is a manipulation on the part of your mother.

 

If I was a parent and my child came to me to talk about this I would ask for them to fill me in on this desire of theirs to have a sibling, when it started, why the desire was there and just leave an opening for anything else they would like to share about it. I would also express appreciation for revealing something that felt like a big secret to them, and acknowledge the bravery it takes to reveal something that is so scary. 

 

After the conversation, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was at fault somehow for the miscarriage. I'm not sure why I felt responsible, but I did. It was obviously the incompetence of an ill-trained doctor, but was it something in the way she had told me or was it something in the way I processed her answer to my question that made me feel otherwise?

 

This is part of the flip your mother executed. Instead of her taking the fault for stacking destructive burdens on your shoulder she stacked another burden on your shoulders and left you feeling at fault. This is a genius and corrupt move on your mothers part, she is a very sneaky person.

 

Though I didn't mention it to my mom (and we've never discussed it since), I went through a period of grief after that conversation. Grief for the loss of my sibling. Grief that I had somehow caused it. It was a deep sense of bereavement.

 

I want to say there was no sibling except the one your mother invented. I don't trust her one bit at this point. You needed to grieve for yourself, you needed to accept and recognize that the burdens stacked on your shoulders were placed there through NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN. You were just a child, Melesina. You were just a little girl. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry these heavy and painful burdens were stacked on your shoulders by your parents. You did not put them there, they were inflicted on you. I'm sorry and I want to send you compassion. 

 

To console myself through the grief, in my mind, I created the brother I never had. I mourned him. I embraced him. I visualized him. I imagined what it would have been like to grow up together.

 

This sounds alright with me, but I think it's important that you do this same thing with yourself as a child. Mourn yourself, embrace yourself, visualize yourself. Go back to your memories and rescue yourself.

 

Did I answer the very question I began with? Do I carry him with me still?

 

I'm not sure, what do you think? It might be worth asking him who he is, what he is there for, what he would like.

 

Upon reflection, I'd say yes, there can be a sibling in my IFS. Though I'm an only child, I feel I have a sibling and he lives in me. I'm not sure what role he plays yet. Perhaps he's been there all along as the one who helps me find answers to life's unknowns and the place to hide when I feel threatened. It seems time to pay him a visit and to get to know him better.

 

I welcome any input from others who have experience with the IFS and can advise me if this is indeed possible. And also any input as to why I would have felt responsible for the loss.

 

Big hug to you and thank you for bravely sharing this here on the boards.

When I have more time I will tell more about my daughter Part and my experience with her.

[Stephen C]

 I'm still new to IFS so I'm making wild assertions here.

 

First of all of course I am sorry for your loss of almost having had a real sibling. That must be heartbreaking for both of you equally. I think it's quite possible that your inner-brother is what you want him to be. Creating the kind of advice contrary to your own that he would have given you, as a way to console the harsh reality of his non-existence even though he would've been younger than you, or maybe even a girl. 

 

Stephen, when you have the time, I'd like to read your rational behind having adapted a daughter part within yourself and why she exists.

I made a list today of topics I'd like to discuss in a video. "How I Found My Daughter" is one of them. I'll post it here if I make it.

[Dave Bockman]

Melesena, what level of responsibility do you think your mother assigns to her herself and her own actions n the unsuccessful pregnancy?

[cherapple]

I have similar questions:

 

Did your mother in any way imply that her miscarriage was your fault?

Did she express any curiosity or sympathy about your desire for a sibling, or for your childhood loneliness?

How was it that you were the one to comfort her in your adulthood interaction?

Was this similar to your experiences as a child, that you had to support her?

 

Quote:

"To console myself through the grief, in my mind, I created the brother I never had. I mourned him. I embraced him. I visualized him."

 

Is this sibling part a defense mechanism to in order to protect you — the very role you say you wanted from a sibling — against performing these same behaviors for yourself? 

[Melesina]

Stephen,

Thank you for your input. It was indeed helpful. I look forward to seeing your video.

 

Dave,

I thought your question over, and I don't know that I have an answer.

 

Cheryl,

I don't recall her saying anything that implied it was my fault, no.

Nor do I remember any curiosity or sympathy on her part in what I had expressed to her. Because of her reaction, I felt like I had hurt her by mentioning it.

As a child, she would quite often have crying spells and I would console her through them.

 

Thank you all for helping me to understand this and work through it. It's been on my mind a lot since I made this post and has caused several emotions to arise that I've been processing.

[Dave Bockman]

Dave,

I thought your question over, and I don't know that I have an answer.

 

Thank you all for helping me to understand this and work through it. It's been on my mind a lot since I made this post and has caused several emotions to arise that I've been processing.

 

OK, well, if you don't mind me being completely relentless I'll ask something along the same lines: did your mother take legal action against the hospital?

[Melesina]

OK, well, if you don't mind me being completely relentless I'll ask something along the same lines: did your mother take legal action against the hospital?

 

Dave,

No, she didn't. Nor against the doctor. She indicated that people didn't pursue anything like that back then.

[Three]

Hey, Melesina! I asked the question. "I was wondering if it is at all possible to have an inner sibling, even though you have no sibling?" On IFs therapist's facebook page entitled 'break the cycle' and these were the responses that I got, for what they're worth.

 " Of course, this sounds like very likely to be true,, Remember parts can appear early on in proxy like form, with their appearance changing overtime to become or take on a different quality."

"Joel, I think that when a person, (like myself), has thoughts and emotions we wish we could share with our sibling or son/daughter and can't then we express it inwardly to the internal sibling or son/daughter. In that way I think we can have an internal sibling or son/dtr."

"My understanding of IFS is that parts can take on or first appear in images and sensations, which over time can morph or disclose their real identities through parts work. It seems perfectly possible to me if this understanding is correct, that a part could at first appear as a sibling with the qualities of a sibling which turns out to be a young part taking on a role not intended for it."

 

Pete Gerlach also writes this on his page about interviewing your subselves. 

"Focus on the subself you want to interview, and ask if s/he will give you an inner image. Be open to the first thing that appears, even if it "makes no sense."

   
   "Images may be of a real or imaginary person, a memory or fantasy, an animal, or cartoon figure, an abstract shape or color, or an object. If you don't get a stable image, that's OK. Focus on a memory that hilights the personality trait you've chosen. Remember how it felt to be that trait."

That's all I could find. Hope that helps!

 

[STer]

My understanding of IFS parts includes that they can be like Jungian archetypal characters at times. So they can be symbolic rather than literal in that way. They can take on a personality that really represents a certain aspect of character or side of life, etc.

[Melesina]

Hey, Melesina! I asked the question. "I was wondering if it is at all possible to have an inner sibling, even though you have no sibling?" On IFs therapist's facebook page entitled 'break the cycle' and these were the responses that I got...

 

 

Joel,

 

I'm extremely touched by your kind thoughtfulness to do research to help me find answers to my inner sibling inquiry.

 

The response you received back has been very insightful for me. I do feel I have an inner sibling and the response helped provide an explanation in a perspective that I find understandable and makes it much more clear; especially the part about the "sibling which turns out to be a young part taking on a role not intended for it".

 

The piece about interviewing our subselves by Pete Gerlach may be just the advice I need to take my first step. I plan to spend some time this evening trying to focus on a memory of that part and how it felt.

 

The extra effort you put in has been a help and is much appreciated! Thank you!

My understanding of IFS parts includes that they can be like Jungian archetypal characters at times. So they can be symbolic rather than literal in that way. They can take on a personality that really represents a certain aspect of character or side of life, etc.

Ster,

 

I'm not very familiar with Jungian archetypal characters...yet. It sounds quite interesting. Is there a specific book I can get to find out more about this?

[STer]

Joel,

 

I'm extremely touched by your kind thoughtfulness to do research to help me find answers to my inner sibling inquiry.

 

The response you received back has been very insightful for me. I do feel I have an inner sibling and the response helped provide an explanation in a perspective that I find understandable and makes it much more clear; especially the part about the "sibling which turns out to be a young part taking on a role not intended for it".

 

The piece about interviewing our subselves by Pete Gerlach may be just the advice I need to take my first step. I plan to spend some time this evening trying to focus on a memory of that part and how it felt.

 

The extra effort you put in has been a help and is much appreciated! Thank you!

Ster,

 

I'm not very familiar with Jungian archetypal characters...yet. It sounds quite interesting. Is there a specific book I can get to find out more about this?

I have a page on Jungian Psychology here.

 

An example would be the section on Anima and Animus. A man may have a part in his psyche that represents the feminine side of his personality and vice-versa. It doesn't mean that it is based on any particular real person. It is a part that is symbolic of an aspect of life.

 

There are other types of "characters" Jung said are commonly found in the psyche too. For instance, he often talked about the "wise old man" archetype. You don't have to have met an actual wise old man in real life to have a psychological aspect that corresponds to it because it is a concept deeply rooted in our common humanity.

 

Or imagine a child who grew up without a mother. He might still develop a mother character in his psyche. Where does it come from? According to Jung, humans are wired based on our evolutionary history to have the "pegs" already in place for certain types of characters even if we haven't met them personally. This ties into his idea of a collective unconscious.

 

So your inner sibling could simply be a representation or symbol of a type of relationship that humans inherently understand.

[Guest Exceptionalist]

The parts within you don't have to be consistent with your reality. As a blatant example, many people have parts that take the form of a fictional creature or an animal. Many parts will associate themselves with other parts either in negative or positive ways, and I'd say that this is just an example of that.

 

May I give in my 2 cents of worth here?  To my understanding the IFS is some kinda inner projection, where you create some artificial entities who incorporates parts of your personality. If so, I think I am aware of two entities inside my inner-self. Some extreme compassionate and empathic dude who cannot wait to protect and is willing to be just to the core, even if that means to lash out at the other dude. The other one is some kinda dark muscular guy with red ablepharous eyes who is resentfull, cruel and allways up for revenge.

[Stephen C]

http://youtu.be/_9hOmTbrykkIn reference to something I bring up in my video...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXEuEUQIP3Q

[STer]

Interesting how different it is seeing someone from the forum talking on video vs. just imagining them from text.

 

Right when you mentioned Mr. Rogers, I was going to suggest you watch that video of him testifying to receive funding. Then seconds later you mentioned it. Maybe you should put the link to it under that video for those who want to see it. It's a classic. Though, this being FDR, it may cause some inner conflict since on one hand he is trying to get government funding, but on the other he is trying to get it to help children. It's like the thing people at FDR are most against being used for the thing people at FDR are most for

 

Anyway, I enjoyed hearing this story, Stephen.

 

Also I had to do it:

 

[Stephen C]

Done diggity done. Great idea, Ster. I don't know about "people at FDR". I'm one of them, so are you and we can appreciate what Fred Rogers is doing. I imagine many others can too. Fred Rogers is working the system the best he can for a beneficial outcome.I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the story, what did you imagine I sounded like before watching the video? Pearl Jam was doin' it big back in the day.  

[STer]

Done diggity done. Great idea, Ster. I don't know about "people at FDR". I'm one of them, so are you and we can appreciate what Fred Rogers is doing. I imagine many others can too. Fred Rogers is working the system the best he can for a beneficial outcome.I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the story, what did you imagine I sounded like before watching the video? Pearl Jam was doin' it big back in the day.  

 

I actually meant you could put the link to the Mr. Rogers video in the About section under your video on YouTube. Cool to put it here in the thread too, though.

 

Yeah I was just generalizing about the values I think are most common on FDR. It's not an absolute thing. I do think even most anti-government folks would find Mr. Rogers' message in his talk valuable and realize he's just working the system that he's in.

 

I feel like on the forum, you more often post little quips and things so I saw your jokester side mostly and didn't see as much of the other sides of you. The video just shows more of the whole of you, that's all, which is perfect since it's literally about showing other sides of you.

[Stephen C]

I actually meant you could put the link to the Mr. Rogers video in the About section under your video on YouTube. Cool to put it here in the thread too, though.

 

Yeah I was just generalizing about the values I think are most common on FDR. It's not an absolute thing. I do think even most anti-government folks would find Mr. Rogers' message in his talk valuable and realize he's just working the system that he's in.

 

I feel like on the forum, you more often post little quips and things so I saw your jokester side mostly and didn't see as much of the other sides of you. The video just shows more of the whole of you, that's all, which is perfect since it's literally about showing other sides of you.

Ohhh, gotcha. I'll see if I can add it to the "About" section on YouTube.Mhm, yeah. I agree.I'm glad that my personality doesn't only consist of little quips and jokes. Phew.