Need advice with butt wipping!

[wdiaz03]

My son is turning 9 and he has always called his parents or grandma to clean his butt after pooping. When asked why he doesn't try doing it himself he says that poop is dirty. I tell him it is a natural part of life.

 

I always encourage him to try to do clean himself and that I would double check his work after. He usually complies.

I have tried explaining that he needs to learn to clean himself because at school we will not be around to clean him. Also that he needs to practice because as he gets older he needs to be independent and the more he practices now the better he will get at it.

 

Today I managed to convince him to clean himself and he did, and he said he did a good job. I didn't double check this time. He said there was no need.

 

Any ideas of anything else I should be telling him?

 

[LovePrevails]

I learned quite late, maybe not as late as nine, once my dad came in and asked if when I was twenty and he was an old man with gray hair would I still want to do this? but I don't think that worked well even though it wasn't said overly condemnatory. What did change it was I was on holiday in a chalet toilet and I called and mum said "why don't you do it yourself" because she was engaged in soemthing or other and I was like uhh uhh uhh well and I did it, and then realised it wasn't so bad, and that was that.

 

I don't think that's an optimal approach, but it does mean that some learn quite late.

 

I'm going to critique some of the things you have said and suggest alternative ways of communicating.

As always I can't say that anything I say is the law, you have to try it yourself, although I am a communication coach and have had clients who had positive results with their kids trying similar approaches in the past.

 

• When asked why he doesn't try doing it himself he says that poop is dirty. I tell him it is a natural part of life.

Ok I very much encourage you not to ask your child for his rationale for something
and then invalidate him and tell him why he should do otherwise off the bat

 

This can create some stumbling blocks, one is that he will come to associate you asking questions not as showing genuine curiosity

but as looking for a way to change his behaviour, this will count against you

it will lower the amount of good will and also create mistrust towards your questions so he may not be as likely to be honest or he will start giving you "I dont' know"s

 

An alternative approach is to use curiosity to help draw him out

"Ah so you think poop is dirty..."

"yeah and I don't like the feel of it bla bla bla or whatever"

Stay with the process

"What do you think is dirty about it?"

 

Use paraphrasing and things to get him to talk, and see if you can gain more understanding.

Then when you get a sense he feels fully understood make your proposals!

 

This precedent seems to help a lot in relationships, especially with children but with everyone.

 

• I have tried explaining that he needs to learn to clean himself because at school we will not be around to clean him. Also that he needs to practice because as he gets older he needs to be independent and the more he practices now the better he will get at it.

I think probably saying to your son what he needs to do will be received as sermonising, it tends to be

Better to say what will you do when you got to school I won''t be around to clearn you?

 

this maybe sounds nitpicky but it's actually quite a critical difference

 

The more you practice the better you will get, - I'm not sure about saying you will be independent in this context

because if he really doesn't want to then the reaction inside is "well i don't want to be independent then" , does this make sense?

please feedback

 

 

• Today I managed to convince him to clean himself and he did, and he said he did a good job. I didn't double check this time. He said there was no need.

great news

 

Antony

 

Ok, best of luck, hope this is helpful

[fer]

Would your son like to clean himself if he had a bidet instead? (I'm assuming you are from the u.s. and you only use toilet paper).

[wdiaz03]

Great suggestions love, Well try that approach. I do remember having conversations like this, his reply was, just like you said, "it feels weird" "it smells" so in a way I was asking some questions but I never looked at it from your point of view it is good to have that in mind.

 

fer, you are correct. I feel like encouraging the use of a bidet at home would make it harder when he is outside the home where you don't find them.