Feelings about child support

[Emanuel]

Hello everyone, I'm not certain if this is the right board to post this, but this topic is about my parents, so I thought it would be the best place to post.

 

For the past 7 months, I've been working in a grocery store for minimum wage, but now I work for my mother in a driving school as a secretary and IT specialist. I will be 19 years old in less than a month and I know that I do not want to be doing this kind of work for long.

I know that I am very intelligent and that with motivation and hard work(two things I've always had big trouble with), I can do great things. So, I've recently decided that I wanted to study the Natural Sciences in a local college.

This course includes Chemistry, Biology, Physics, Maths and lots of other things that I find really interesting and would like to start a career in. 

 

After talking with my mother about this idea of mine, she mentioned that I would have difficulty paying the 200$ per month that I give her for living expenses. I told her that I would not be able to pay. She said that she would ask my father for money. My parents have been divorced since I was 13 years old, and I am terribly hurt by this. It's nearly impossible for me to be vulnerable, I felt numb when she mentioned that option. I have not seen my father in more than three months after I told myself that I couldn't be happy by still seeing him. 

 

Whenever I'm around him, I feel like I can't talk about what I really think. That he'll shoot me down and try to humiliate me for disagreeing with him on whatever subject. But when my mother started talking about how she only has me and my younger brother's interest at heart, how parents are in bonds to take care of their children even though they do not live under the same roof, I couldn't say a thing. I couldn't even form ideas or phrases inside my own mind that I could have communicated. I just felt numb. She asked me how I felt about it, what I thought about asking my father for money, if I though it should be done. I didn't say anything. I just sighed and told her I was going to my room to sleep. 

 

After a while she came to my bedroom and asked me if she said something that hurt me. She told me that she felt bad and asked me if I resented her. In my mind, I was saying ''yes! yes you hurt me but it's not about the words, you destroyed my life! you destroyed my childhood!'' I did not say a single word. 

 

I'm not an adult. I'm a grown wounded child. If I can't deal with my trauma now, I'll fail in school and fail in my relationships, and in the end, I'll just be a failure, the failure that my parents imposed on me, I'll just be following the endless cycle of broken dreams and shattered hearts.

 

I tell myself I'm looking for a therapist, but that's not true. My mother recommended me her psychotherapist, but I feel that he's going to try and manipulate me into just accepting everything and that I'll become and emotionless zombie. I already feel dead. When I look in the mirror, I suffer. I don't like what I see. The cold eyes, the distant look. I don't feel like I'm living in the present, I don't feel responsible for my actions or thoughts, even though I know I am.

 

After writing all this, I can't even figure out a question. 

 

If I want to break the cycle, I need to become open and vulnerable. How do I become truly honest and vulnerable not to others, but to myself? How can I open my heart and love what I see in the mirror?

 

A part of me wants to say I'm sorry for ''just dumping'' my emotional worries here, but I know listening to that voice will not help me get anywhere near virtue and happiness.

[Kevin Beal]

I'm so sorry man

 

That's some really tough stuff. Especially when you can't communicate it. It's overwhelming and isolating and it sucks.

 

Despite that, I thought you expressed yourself here very well. I can't help but empathize / sympathize.

 

What do you think would happen if you said what you were thinking to your mother when she asked you? Why do you think you didn't say anything? Why instead did you go numb?

 

 

Just as a practical bit of advice, you don't want to share a therapist with your mother if you aren't willing to do some sort of group therapy together as well. This is something that applies to friends, family members, lovers, whoever, it's just generally a bad idea. It makes it hard to establish trust, always wondering what the other is saying, wondering if anything could have slipped or come through in some response the therapist gives the other person, questions of loyalty and that sort of thing.

 

I would strongly suggest doing therapy though. If I had the choice between therapy and college, I would choose therapy hands down. I might even take my father's (whom I have no relationship with) money to do it if he was going to pay for it.

 

Therapy is my largest expense at the moment and it's well worth it if you can find a good one. I could have a place of my own if I weren't paying for therapy, but instead I choose to rent a room from an acquaintance of mine even though I crave privacy. It's so important.

 

I was unemployed when I started. I was doing odd jobs, and doing therapy actually helped me land my current gig (Stef's job interview tips helped a lot too). I say this to put a little bit of pressure on you to not put barriers in between yourself and therapy. You gotta take care of yourself.

 

Again, I'm really sorry man. It's a terrible situation.