How do you deal with tantrums?

[Rayne]

I am a mom of a boy who turns 3 in a couple of months and his tantrums are getting hard to deal with.  I am putting a lot of work into coping with them by breathing and trying to remain calm (and not flipping my lid as well) but it's wearing me out.

 

Today I went to meet a friend for lunch and as a compromise we got take-out and went to a park because my son will not sit still at a restaurant for more than 10 minutes.  When we got to the park he did not want to get out of the car, and cried, and rebuckled his carseat, and kept saying "Sit down! Sit down! Go home!", and turned red, and.... it was awful.  I wanted to do what he was asking and cancel our lunch but my friend (who is 68 and never had kids) said "If you cave he's just going to keep throwing fits to control you."

 

So, I took him out of the car and walked to a picnic table where he kept trying to leave us and walk back to the car.  I would go get him and calmly bring him back to the table and tell him "No, we can leave after we finish eating."  He kept crying, throwing a fit, hitting me, hitting himself... My friend and I didn't even have a conversation, but I forced him to stay with us while we ate our food.

 

I feel like such a bad person for forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do but a bad parent (in other people's eyes) for giving in to tantrums.  It is so hard for me to make it through a 20-30 minute tantrum without having my anxiety go through the roof.  Is it really so bad to give in?

[stigskog]

i think you should look at the whole experience from his point of view.

[Cornellius]

Well I'm 19 and I have no experience with children, so I only speak theoretically.

 

I don't believe tempetantums come out of nowhere, first of all. If that's some use to you, Stefan's daughter not even once went into a tamtampamtrum. First and foremost, those outbursts mirror the screams of a baby. They are new needs expressed in the old, non-verbal way. Your child is now at an age where he can understand stuff, which means he wants to understand why he can't leave, and even more important, whether it's reasonable that he can't leave. I assume he feels like he feels cut off and that's because he wants to negociate with you. I've noticed that he was throwing a tempatrenteam before you even started forcing him to stay. I think that can only happen because of a lack of curiosity on your part. I mean he wants to follow you out of the car because you're his mom, but he knows what happens when he refuses to, so it's a like a resentful half-existence. Naturally, when we feel blue, bored out of our skulls, dead, we just want to feel alive somehow. Tempeapoeenms probably fall into that category of behavior that's like shaking you up to get through to you.

 

So as Stefan says, prevention is better than cure, and in your case, it's really a matter of empathizing with your child's needs. I believe it's really an amazing way to go that makes things not only easier, but fundamentally enjoyable. I am sorry to see a certain deficience of empathy in some of these tricky situations; I bet there's a lot of things on your mind sometimes and it can be overwhelming but it is primordial to make sure that your son doesn't "inherit" the kind of anxious, non-verbal and primitive behavior that kind of slip through when you went out for lunch with him. He's got to experience openness and cooperation instead of being subjected to a bitter buildup of tension and control as the solution to the situation.

 

It's probably not Stefan-level philosophical problem-solving but I hope it helps somewhat. Best wishes.

[MrCapitalism]

Why did he want to go home?

[Rayne]

I feel hurt and judged right now.

 

 

I am a stay at home mom with a husband that travels for work so most of the time it's just me.  24/7.   I attend to his needs all day long.  The only time I leave the house is to go to the playground, the children's museum, the zoo, and the grocery store.  The grocery store takes FOREVER because he doesn't want to ride in the cart and so I let him walk up and down the aisles, exploring the store.

 

The only time I can visit with a friend is if my husband is in town and I can go on my own.   It had been 5 weeks since I had tried to meet up with a friend.  My entire life revolves around my son.  

 

I need help and I thought FDR would be a place where I could find support.  I am trying REALLY hard to be a good mom but it's making me so isolated.

Why did he want to go home?

I don't know.  We had never been to the place I met with my friend and he hadn't seen her in over a year so he didn't remember her.

[MrCapitalism]

 That sounds like that would be an incredibly scary situation for a little child.. if that's the case, why would you force him into that situation against his will?

 

If you had asked a single word question "why?" would he have been able to respond to you? What do you think he would say?

[Cornellius]

You feel isolated because your relationship with your deep, passionate, rational and wonderful son is incomplete. Because you're not yet free to connect.

 

You've discovered FDR, and that's really something, I'm telling ya. I'm sure things will only get better if you don't shoot the messenger by pretending you're the victim here. I'm sorry but don't give us that. And don't give your son or yourself that. Hang on to the truth.

 

Stefan has a ton of podcasts that would be great for you and could permanently change your life for the better. He's got a series on philosophical parenting which I've partly listened to. But parenting, libertarianism, philosophy... it's a whole world, it's incredibly vast and full of opportunity for growth. You can search for particular topics like childhood, procrastination, negotiation, love, happiness.

 

Libertarianism applies to the family.

[Lowe D]

I am a mom of a boy who turns 3 in a couple of months and his tantrums are getting hard to deal with.  I am putting a lot of work into coping with them by breathing and trying to remain calm (and not flipping my lid as well) but it's wearing me out.

 

Today I went to meet a friend for lunch and as a compromise we got take-out and went to a park because my son will not sit still at a restaurant for more than 10 minutes.  When we got to the park he did not want to get out of the car, and cried, and rebuckled his carseat, and kept saying "Sit down! Sit down! Go home!", and turned red, and.... it was awful.  I wanted to do what he was asking and cancel our lunch but my friend (who is 68 and never had kids) said "If you cave he's just going to keep throwing fits to control you."

 

So, I took him out of the car and walked to a picnic table where he kept trying to leave us and walk back to the car.  I would go get him and calmly bring him back to the table and tell him "No, we can leave after we finish eating."  He kept crying, throwing a fit, hitting me, hitting himself... My friend and I didn't even have a conversation, but I forced him to stay with us while we ate our food.

 

I feel like such a bad person for forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do but a bad parent (in other people's eyes) for giving in to tantrums.  It is so hard for me to make it through a 20-30 minute tantrum without having my anxiety go through the roof.  Is it really so bad to give in?

 

Sounds like you're having a hard time.  I'm sorry to hear that.  I wouldn't listen to your friend's advice.  She sounds like a sad old lady.  As for me, I can't give you advice because I have no clue what you should do.

 

Is that your son in your avatar?  Looks like a cute kid.  Is he riding a horse?  I definitely never did that, at that age.  I like that you said you let your son roam up and down the aisles of the grocery store, and indulge his every need.  Kids are meant to be spoiled.

 

I think all this work and anxiety is going to pay off.  Did you know that in Latin, anxiety and care are the same word?  I bet that if you keep trying like this, your son is going to love you like crazy when he's a man with his own life.

[Rayne]

Sounds like you're having a hard time.  I'm sorry to hear that.  I wouldn't listen to your friend's advice.  She sounds like a sad old lady.  As for me, I can't give you advice because I have no clue what you should do.

 

Is that your son in your avatar?  Looks like a cute kid.  Is he riding a horse?  I definitely never did that, at that age.  I like that you said you let your son roam up and down the aisles of the grocery store, and indulge his every need.  Kids are meant to be spoiled.

 

I think all this work and anxiety is going to pay off.  Did you know that in Latin, anxiety and care are the same word?  I bet that if you keep trying like this, your son is going to love you like crazy when he's a man with his own life.

 

Thank you for being kind and compassionate.  I cried when I read your response.  I was feeling really down and overwhelmed by today.    

[Ruben Zandstra]

The fact that you are overwhelmed, conscious about the issue and working on it is the best thing that could happen to your son at this point. 

And yourself for that matter. It's fantastic.

 

There's the issue of making choices and being prepared as well as possible when it comes to stressful moments.

There's also the self-work. Are you in therapy, or is it an option for you? If not I would really advice you to go and make the investment. It's payed off a hundred times for me.

[Think Free]

Rayne, the good news is there's a difference between respecting a toddler's desires and giving in to his tantrums, so you can (at least, sometimes) have one without the other. If you haven't been doing this already, I recommend that you ask your son to express his desires in a respectful manner. This won't solve the problem in every situation; this won't put an end to tantrums; and it may take a while for him to even begin to learn it. However, I think it's really worth pursuing both because it will help with the tantrums in the long run and because it will help him learn important life skills.

[LovePrevails]

Hello here is a video I put out which I hope will help

 

If you could benefit from a chat please add me on skype with my personal address, amashaman

I will hear of all your circumstances and what you have tried and offer you some options that may help and hopefully will

much love to you and best of luck

[Kevin Beal]

I am a mom of a boy who turns 3 in a couple of months and his tantrums are getting hard to deal with.  I am putting a lot of work into coping with them by breathing and trying to remain calm (and not flipping my lid as well) but it's wearing me out.

In my experience this is what the child feels: irritated, worn out, stressed. And children provoke those feelings in their parents as a way of communicating their irritation.

 

Children don't usually act out around me, but what I find is helpful is to try and get eye contact, ask what they are feeling and let them know that I understand how they feel (assuming I do understand it). Out of that is usually a more productive negotiation or discussion.

 

From what I hear, this is slightly easier for men. I don't know why.

[Silverhand]

Rayne

 

As a disclaimer I don't have children of my own but I do listen to stefan often. I heard him talk about tantrums(or something similar) on several occasions. I recall a strategy he used. He would negotiate with the child ahead of coming out. So he would say to his daughter "We can go to the park but we have to leave at this time." He would show her his watch and where the arrow needs to be when they have to go. Then he would remind her of the promise and show her the watch at the time when they agreed. She would sometime try and reneg on the promise so he would try to renegotiate. I think you can apply the same type of tactic with your son. Next time you go out in the park with him, tell him that you would like to go out with a friend aswell. Try to come up with an outcome that both of you are happy. How much play time he would get before or after the meeting. What he is allowed to do while you are spending time with your friend.

 

But to be honest there is a thought that come to mind when I hear your story. Why are you bringing your child when you are going to hang out with your friend? Why can't your husband take on the task of occupying your son if you are hanging out with someone? 

 

Also this is not relevant to you but I feel like sharing. Why do some people decide to have children only to expect that the child should live at their expense. This is directed at someone who would balk at the thought of negotiating with a child. After all they can just as well never have children so they will not inconvenience them selves with all the responsibilities of a parent. My theory is that parenting where a child is subservient to the parent is what raise people who can not show empathy. 

 

I wish you a happy ending in the story of tantrums .

[jonagelle]

Let him rest. Maybe there is something that irritates him. let him away with these things that irritates. Maybe he wants something sto say but cannot convey so you must comprehend what it is and provide him what he needs if necessary. Do not overdo to spoil him. Let him relax maybe he is tired. let him sleep the enough hours of sleep. let him eat so he will be in the mood. Let him play what he likes. let him do what he likes. Join with his play so he will be entertained and enjoy. Let him do what interest him. Anything that makes him happy, let it be. Do not stress him. He needs a lot of rest so he will not make tantrums. Talk to him, be close to him so he can easily approach you.

 

Nathanael King is a Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and weight loss & nutritional therapist. He also helps people suffering from panic attacks or social anxiety. He has written a book on how to build confidence instantly using NLP techniques. Please click <a target="_new" href="http://dailyimproveself.com/instantconfidencefree/">here</a> to download now. You can also sign up for weekly newsletter at <a target="_new" href="http://www.SelfProgress.co.uk">http://www.SelfProgress.co.uk</a> for your growth.

[mr evil]

first I wanted to say that being here and asking questions really shows how much you want to be a great parent and i really applaud that.  You said you are working on staying calm during his tantrums which is also great.  Also I was frustrated with many of the responses you got back.  A few seemed empathetic but many came across to me as derogatory towards your relationship with your son. 

 

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and have been a stay at home dad since the first was born so I have spent a great deal of time with both of them.  from my experience when kids get upset or have a tantrum it has very little to do with the actual incident.  what is happening does make them upset but there is something else that sets it off into a tantrum.  also I know tantrums are hard because the child’s emotions are completely overloading them, and often it seems like the root cause of the overload is unkown to them, and as they get more upset they continue to get more overloaded.  this makes even talking in any detail difficult for a young child. after a tantrum starts they are upset because they were upset. My children have had very few tantrums and IMO it rarely got to tantrums because we would 'give in'.  this is a stupid term because what says is that you MUST NOT give in to them but they MUST give in to you

.

My first question is if he is starting to drop his nap or just not getting enough sleep, my oldest dropped at about 26mo and that was really hard, he did not have the stamina to be up as long as he was without napping but would not nap.  although he did not have many tantrums it was very stressful because he was overtired nearly everyday and little things would make him upset.   if either of my kids do not want to go to the store we wont, i will try to talk them into it, which if it works can take an hour or once and a while it wont work and we will play outside instead or do something else that makes them happy.  If we go to the store and they really dont want to go they are more likely to get upset at the store and then the trip is not fun for any of us, so just staying home will make me happier as well. 

 

my second thought, which after reading about your husbands job seems likely, is he misses his dad.  I stay at home but my wife has a corporate job, she is generally home in the evening and gets time to play with them, eat dinner and do bed times but at times she has to work late or occasionally travel.  when this happens there is a noticeable change in both kids.  they might get upset because they dont want to help clean up a mess and then get upset that you start cleaning it up,  that is what is getting them upset in the moment but the underlying problem is that they miss their mom.  as I said my wife is generally home at reasonable times but after a stretch of her being gone she will take the older one out to the park or something else away from home so it feels special and after take him to starbucks and have him get a hot coco and they can talk and hang out for a while, just the two of them.  this helps calm him down immensely.  

 

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you with your husband being gone so much.  less then once a year my wife is traveling for 3 or 4 days and it is really hard.  having to do 100%  around the house having to do 100% of watching them by myself and having them miss there mom.  I know how hard that is to do once a year and cant imagine doing it regularly.  If I were you I would talk to your husband and let him know that his travel is really hard on you and your son.  and for your son him not being around can effect the rest of his life. I would ask him to try and find a job that does not require as much travel and allow him to spend more time with his son.

 

I hope this is helpful and big hugs for trying to do whats best for your son, i know how hard it can be

[Josh F]

I don't have advice as I am not a parent, but I will express that I wish my mom had come to a site like this when looking for advice.  I remember my sister and I being "banned" from going out with my parents to dinner because I guess we used to behave in a similar way.  Preventing your kid from dominating you is a common thing other parents talk about, but the solution is not to dominate back that much I know for sure.

As a side note, my baby sitter was usually my Godfather who was the nicest and funnest guy to be around.  When you need to meet with your friend or engage in activities your kid doesn't like, having someone around like that makes it easier.  I remember not really caring about not going out with my parents because it meant Gerald was coming over to bbq some chicken and build pillow forts.

[MysterionMuffles]

Also as Stef has said, "the best control is connection." If you're not connected with your kid, you may not find joy in the simplicity of just being with him. Enjoy and acknowledge his presence, play with him in between conversational breaks with your friends. Let him know he exists and he is part of the interaction, not a distraction.

mr evil, ironically you had a very good natured post and very empathetic. You're right, some of the responses did seem condascending...I feel like mine was now too LOL

[Rayne]

first I wanted to say that being here and asking questions really shows how much you want to be a great parent and i really applaud that.  You said you are working on staying calm during his tantrums which is also great.  Also I was frustrated with many of the responses you got back.  A few seemed empathetic but many came across to me as derogatory towards your relationship with your son. 

 

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and have been a stay at home dad since the first was born so I have spent a great deal of time with both of them.  from my experience when kids get upset or have a tantrum it has very little to do with the actual incident.  what is happening does make them upset but there is something else that sets it off into a tantrum.  also I know tantrums are hard because the child’s emotions are completely overloading them, and often it seems like the root cause of the overload is unkown to them, and as they get more upset they continue to get more overloaded.  this makes even talking in any detail difficult for a young child. after a tantrum starts they are upset because they were upset. My children have had very few tantrums and IMO it rarely got to tantrums because we would 'give in'.  this is a stupid term because what says is that you MUST NOT give in to them but they MUST give in to you

.

My first question is if he is starting to drop his nap or just not getting enough sleep, my oldest dropped at about 26mo and that was really hard, he did not have the stamina to be up as long as he was without napping but would not nap.  although he did not have many tantrums it was very stressful because he was overtired nearly everyday and little things would make him upset.   if either of my kids do not want to go to the store we wont, i will try to talk them into it, which if it works can take an hour or once and a while it wont work and we will play outside instead or do something else that makes them happy.  If we go to the store and they really dont want to go they are more likely to get upset at the store and then the trip is not fun for any of us, so just staying home will make me happier as well. 

 

my second thought, which after reading about your husbands job seems likely, is he misses his dad.  I stay at home but my wife has a corporate job, she is generally home in the evening and gets time to play with them, eat dinner and do bed times but at times she has to work late or occasionally travel.  when this happens there is a noticeable change in both kids.  they might get upset because they dont want to help clean up a mess and then get upset that you start cleaning it up,  that is what is getting them upset in the moment but the underlying problem is that they miss their mom.  as I said my wife is generally home at reasonable times but after a stretch of her being gone she will take the older one out to the park or something else away from home so it feels special and after take him to starbucks and have him get a hot coco and they can talk and hang out for a while, just the two of them.  this helps calm him down immensely.  

 

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you with your husband being gone so much.  less then once a year my wife is traveling for 3 or 4 days and it is really hard.  having to do 100%  around the house having to do 100% of watching them by myself and having them miss there mom.  I know how hard that is to do once a year and cant imagine doing it regularly.  If I were you I would talk to your husband and let him know that his travel is really hard on you and your son.  and for your son him not being around can effect the rest of his life. I would ask him to try and find a job that does not require as much travel and allow him to spend more time with his son.

 

I hope this is helpful and big hugs for trying to do whats best for your son, i know how hard it can be

 

Thanks for your response!  My son has been struggling a lot with his sleep these days (irregular naps, waking up early...) and I think that makes a lot of sense in his over-the-top emotional fits.

 

My husband and I had another conversation about his travel schedule today.  It's true that it is hard on us as a family.  Believe it or not, his 2-3 week a month travel schedule is an improvement.  Up until August it was 4 weeks a month, flying out Sunday night, flying home Friday.  It has been hard for me to complain about the situation because my husband grew up in a Navy family where his dad was at sea for months at a time.  His dad wasn't even there when he was born.  We got to talk about that a little today.  My situation appears better than what his mom had to deal with but in some ways it's worse because military families have more of a support network.  I'm just here in suburbia where my working friends tell me I'm lucky because I get to be a stay-at-home mom.  (I am certainly grateful for our ability to provide one of us 24/7)

 

 

Sometimes I get concerned about the amount of negativity towards mothers in Stef's call-in show.  Don't get me wrong, not all mothers are saints (mine left when I was 10) but if we want to see positive changes in parenting (for a better world) aren't mothers the ones who can effect the most change?  Who need the most help?  

 

So thanks to those who empathized with me.  I got a lot out of reading and thinking about these posts.  Sometimes just reading parenting books is not enough.

[meeri]

Rayne, kudos for working towards making the family situation better for yourself and your son.

 

I think you have every right to voice your unhappiness about your husband's travel schedule. Whether or not your parents-in-law 'had it worse' is irrelevant.

 

I'm terribly sorry about your mother leaving when you were 10. This must have been very difficult for you.

 

I'm curious why you think Stef's call in show is negative towards mothers? In my experience, the shows and this board is incredibly respectful of and supportive towards mothers who genuinely care about and take pleasure in their children, and use peaceful parenting.

[Rayne]

Rayne, kudos for working towards making the family situation better for yourself and your son.

 

I think you have every right to voice your unhappiness about your husband's travel schedule. Whether or not your parents-in-law 'had it worse' is irrelevant.

 

I'm terribly sorry about your mother leaving when you were 10. This must have been very difficult for you.

 

I'm curious why you think Stef's call in show is negative towards mothers? In my experience, the shows and this board is incredibly respectful of and supportive towards mothers who genuinely care about and take pleasure in their children, and use peaceful parenting.

 

I guess my concern is in how much Stef gets into the negative things in people's childhoods.  Oftentimes it is the person's mother who is the culprit.  He also is very critical of single mothers.  I don't believe that Stef is negative towards peaceful parents.  I like his message.  I just think that there is a tone of negativity towards imperfect parenting.  I don't hit or yell at my son but if I talk about difficulty in tantrums then I am still a mom who is in the wrong.  That may be true but I felt that some of the responses to my thread lacked empathy and I wonder if the occasional negative tone of the call-in show plays a part in that.

[Kevin Beal]

He also is very critical of single mothers.  I don't believe that Stef is negative towards peaceful parents.  I like his message.  I just think that there is a tone of negativity towards imperfect parenting.

Well, I don't think that's very fair. It's not like if a mom accidentally slips in a dirty word in conversation around her child that Stef will get a "negative tone" with her.

 

I don't mean to put you on the defensive or anything, it's just that the implication here is that Stef demands perfection out of parents, like he's got ridiculously high standards that can never be met.

 

And if I'm not mistaken, the goal of this thread is to have better ways of negotiating and working with your son, because right now (if only on occasion) there are times when things aren't working for either of you.

 

So what if people are critical (or even overly critical) of the way you handled it? Is there something to what they are saying or not? If people are being jerks offering nothing to the conversation, then that's what the downvote button is for.

 

Not to be a jerk or anything, but it's not about your feelings. I'm sorry you felt judged harshly, but that seems (at least to me) entirely beside the point.

 

There is a lot of value to seeing things from the child's perspective, and if it's true that you could have done more of that, then that's important and you really ought to work on that for both you and your child's sake. It may be the case, despite you feeling offended, that there is an appeal to that perspective being made because it's true and important, and not because you are like the most horrible mother in the world or something.

 

Don't let some offense get between improving your relationship with your son.

[meeri]

I guess my concern is in how much Stef gets into the negative things in people's childhoods. 

What concerns you about that?

 

This place is about truth and what really happened, not about tiptoeing around a particular groups feelings. Sadly, mothers often do bare the most responsibility. They are still the primary caregivers for most children and have by far the most influence on them. Particularly single mothers. And a parent is always responsible for the relationship with the child because of his/her position of authority.

 

I think it's right to be critical and vocal about parenting that may be damaging to a child. But nobody expects parents to be perfect. Stef has said that often parents just don't have the right methods. This conversation is new to everyone and we're all learning.

 

If it is true that some responses lacked empathy, it wouldn't have anything to do with the call in show but rather, the commentators own personal history.

 

I understand that the new information can be overwhelming. I don't have children myself but a lot of the time I felt like I wasn't getting any of the self knowledge stuff right. But then I realised it was actually my own inner critic talking. If you focus on self knowledge and the feelings and experience of your son, I'm sure you will get a lot of positive feedback from this community.

[Cornellius]

Amazing replies Kevin and meeri!

[MysterionMuffles]

Yeah it's hard to be objective when you've got a subjective stake on the criticism of "dealing" with tantrums. I know I certainly felt a part of me wanting to be critical more than I wanted to be objective about it. Good stuff Meeri!

 

And Kevin yeah that criticism is just criticism, you can take it with a grain of salt. If it offends, look to see if it's true or if the other person is just being a troll. You don't have to take anything said here seriously, but if it's really helpful and you choose to take it seriously, then I think there can be great benefits to it.

[Kevin Beal]

Yeah it's hard to be objective when you've got a subjective stake on the criticism of "dealing" with tantrums. I know I certainly felt a part of me wanting to be critical more than I wanted to be objective about it. 

The two aren't mutually exclusive. All being critical means is putting forward criticisms. That was the point of this thread, I thought.

 

She said that what she was doing wasn't working, so rejecting people for saying that she could have handled it better at best makes no sense. To criticize the way she handled it is to take her at face value.

 

If you are going to look critically at yourself and find ways of being the best parent you can be, then you need to have some thick skin. It's infinitely more important than "what will people think of me?" or "what if I'm a bad parent?" or any other insecurities you may have.

 

Being a philosophical parent is going to mean bumping up against the kinds of people she mentioned in the OP and she is going to need the confidence to stick to her guns and put her child first before any insecurities, doubt or peer pressure she may come up against.

 

She's an adult and she can handle some criticism. This is just a reminder.

[ccuthbert]

Dear Rayne,

 

Been there. My son had temper tantrums for a while. My husband traveled, too, and I had no family to help. It was very draining to be responsible for children 24/7/365 with little or no other adult presence to provide insight, companionship and adult-level conversation. I had two children at this time, my daughter is two years older and has the temperment of a saint. The fact that she was there made things much easier during this difficult period, bc the two of them got along wonderfully and they occupied themselves for long periods of the day.

 

A HUGE pressure with temper tantrums that I don't know if anyone mentioned is that nosey neighbors will call CPS on you, and that's what happened to me. We survived that "interaction" without much trouble, but it really scared the daylights out of me, so that whenever a tantrum came along after that, I was near panic. Before the CPS visit, I would let the tantrum play itself out. Following, I was in mortal fear of a knock on the door come to take my sweet guy away. I tried lots of things. I tried carrying him upstairs and asking him to stay in his room away from me until he could calm down. He would just come downstairs immediately, still crying. I tried saying, "Look, you're upset with me. I'll go upstairs in my room. You come and get me when you've calmed down," with a similar result. I tried hugging him, asking him what he wanted, pleading with him. Then one day, I scooped him up, ran up to the bedroom where we had a reclining chair, turned off all the lights (it was just before dinner in the winter so it was dark outside) and we sat in the dark and quiet, snuggling in the recliner. He calmed down immediately and we dozed for a bit. I'm pretty sure that the tantrum trigger was he was very tried but didn't want to nap (he never really napped even as a baby) and just couldn't handle any more stimulation. So the quiet, dark room was just what he needed. The tantrums ended soon afterwards.

 

I think you just have to try a lot of strategies. Asking him what's wrong simply won't work in many situations because he doesn't have the congnitive abilities nor introspection to figure it out and tell you. That's what parents are for. It's hard, no doubt about it. But realize that it is temporary. Just try to avoid the situations that you think will trigger the tanturms. For example, I NEVER went grocery shopping with both children. I waited until my husband got home and went late at night by myself. Also, we never took long car rides. Anything over about an hour he just couldn't handle.

 

I don't believe that trying to help him through his tantrums is indulging him. But he may be responding to cues in you that you don't know you are giving. Here's another story that my sister told me. She was visiting my Aunt Pat, who had 7 children. One of them threw a holy tantrum on the kitchen floor where my Aunt Pat was cooking. She ignored it for several minutes and then calmly said, "That's enough, now." My cousin calmed down and toddled off to wherever. That was Aunt Pat--I never heard her raise her voice. She spoke softly, barely above a whisper, always serene and smiling and she took everything in stride. My mother was that way, too, and she had 9 children. There are many things that these two women figured out very early and that's how we all survived. I am sure that our culture is losing the vast wisdom of past generations of mothers. It's really freightening. I mean, don't ya think it's crazy stupid that women have to BUY A BOOK about caring for their babies written by an old fart of a doctor whom they never met??? This is beyond tragic.

 

Anyway, having an only child creates a situation where there can be too much concentrated attention on the child. I always tried to pay attention obliquely for large parts of the day for a couple of reasons. I wanted to make sure I wasn't smothering them, that they were developing some independence, that they would learn to rely on themselves and each other for things to do rather than on me (or anyone or thing outside of themselves). Children today need to be constantly entertained and they grow up thinking that the pursuit of pleasure is somehow equivalent to the pursuit of fulfillment. I wanted our children to know how to be comfortable being alone with their thoughts. At the same time, I wanted to be there for when they needed the attention. I wanted them to choose, not me. I think having more than one helped me step back and allow them the initiative. I also wanted them to know that I did adult things outside of their care, and I could show them those things and discuss these activities with them. I wanted them to see the adult world, what they essentially wouldn't see if they were sequestered in prison all day.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling pretty far, here. I hope some of this is useful. Best of luck. I'm sure you'll get through this just fine. It's simply a bear in the meantime, I know.

[stephenscorzo]

This was very useful into the processes of tantrums.  I work to support my family, but I live with Grandparents and my wife who was raised more old school.  It is really frustrating hearing my father talk down to my son in a very angry impatient and contradictory way, not to mention see my wife distressed over how these things are handled.  There is no hitting here, but there is yelling and shaming.  (I.e. my son gets a toy, but when he rearranges it, disassembles it, breaks it, the grandfather gets infuriated with him, as well as mom.)

 

There is always a cause, people think kids are like these vacuums that spontaneously emit noise.  I empathize because my son gets pretty pissed off when he sees me leave.  I am the only one he doesn't tantrum out on and everyone in my house wonders why.

 

I think I will keep a journal of conflict resolution with my son, my wife, my father and document my findings to see if there is any correlated behaviors that can be data mined from the outcomes.

 

 

[cynicist]

That may be true but I felt that some of the responses to my thread lacked empathy and I wonder if the occasional negative tone of the call-in show plays a part in that.

 

Just reading your post from an impartial perspective, it seems like you chose your or your friend's preference to have a picnic over your child's preference not to. The ironic thing about her saying that "if you cave he is going to throw fits to control you" is that by agreeing with her you are "caving" to her opinion of you as a mother. I think that is where the negativity in the thread is coming from. 

 

This is just my opinion but I think that a child's tantrums are an expression of their needs not being met. The goal is to get the parent to always be there for them no matter what, which will give them security that will last a lifetime. That doesn't mean always doing what the kid wants, it means always listening and showing concern for the needs they express.

 

None of this is a judgment of your ability as a mother, after all I don't know you or what you have done for your kid, and I'm sorry that it has been difficult for you. That said, why not practice negotiation? If your kid has a tantrum at home for example, make a deal with him and stick to your word. If you can't give him what he wants, apologize and explain why. As long as you are consistent with this behavior your child will learn that, 1) interactions don't need to be win/lose, you can both win 2) you can't always get your way, but there will always be an explanation. Imagine if you made a deal with your kid that if he behaved during the picnic, that you both would do what he wanted afterwards. Trust me when I say that he will remember this when he gets older, and spending a little more time now to get this stuff right will save you a lot of frustration in the future. 

[Stefan Molyneux]

perhaps we can chat about it, I'd love to help if I could

[noneofyourbusiness]

I am a mother to several children. Make sure your son is getting plenty of sleep. When you have to bring your son to outings with you, tell him beforehand about your plans.Then give him a few choices to make in the process. For example, let him choose 1 out of 2 restaurants, let him choose what clothes he will wear, what time (1 or 1:10) etc. Perhaps he would like a job. Ask him to be the photographer and give him a camera to take pictures of the outing. Let your child know that this day is going to be special because he helped you plan it. Also, bring along some toys.

 

Kids are very emotional and it is very difficult to reason with someone who is being over emotional. Sometimes you just can't reason. Mutual respect in parent/child relationship. The parent must earn the respect by maintaining composure and at the same time not being a door mat. You are your child's best example. Whatever you do...don't be too hard on yourself.