Alexandru Stan Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 To make everything concise.My father took $500 out of a joint account we have (that I have been placing my paychecks in) without my permission, on the basis that he needs to regain his lost income from me going to college on his money. I need to know how to escape this situation in the most productive manner?Background about the situation:I recently stopped attending college, after 2.5 years because of the financial burden and my lack of initiative and motivation toward the subject that I had pursued. I instead took to philosophy and self work, and also found a job that could help me save for paying off the $6000+ loan I had incurred.I choose to stay with my parents, but in the past months it has become increasingly harder and harder to feel emotionally stable and just safety. If I don't want to do something that my father requests, the consequence is that he will stop providing some service that helps me achieve my goals like going to work. I can see this as a form of manipulation and I am just fed up.Going back to the money issue, I am currently trying to transfer the money out of the joint account into another account that is just my own.My initial step, out of fear and desperation, was to call a friend that offered to help me out with shelter, and let him know what happened, and ask for his help. This is not a guarantee, nor do I expect it to be.I just don't really know what to do since this manipulation will continue, and I don't know what other ideas are being planned against me if I don't follow what my father wants me to do. My father's response to me stopping my education, has become increasingly verbally abusive and manipulative.Here are some relevant questions.Should I let my current employer know of the full circumstance, if I am to relocate too far from the workplace?Should I ask for the money that was taken back? (Already have made it clear that I did not approve of the money being transferred)Should I talk about how I feel to my mom about her inaction in this situation?If I cannot find a place to temporarily stay soon, what are my other options?What steps can I take to proactively remain focused on my needs being met, and not appease my father's commands?What other things should I expect to arise in this situation?
Emanuel Posted October 13, 2013 Posted October 13, 2013 I'm so sorry about what you're going through... I can't imagine how you must feel right now. If I could, I'd hug you right now. Have you had a conversation with your parents about how you feel around all these events? You say that your father is verbally abusive, how is he trying to manipulate you? I don't know if it's a good idea to try to be honest about your feelings around these people, as I don't know them personally. But you do, have you thought about seeking professional help, like a therapist, to resolve the conflicts between you and your father? I'm sorry if these questions don't really help, but I think that you're definitely the one with the most knowledge about the situation and I hope these questions might help you think about the possibilities. Again, what is going on for you must be terrible, and I want to tell you that even though I don't know you, I care about your happiness and I want you to enjoy life, as hard as it is. I'm glad you found this conversation, and that I was able to write the little things that I can. I'm no expert and I'm still having a lot of trouble myself, but we're all growing together in this crazy world. We can overcome and maybe we can even thrive, but we first have to be honest and work on ourselves. I'm happy that you've found it important to do self-work, and I can tell you that if you stay on this road, it will pay off immensely. I hope you have some progress and a resolution of these problems, my friend and please keep taking care of yourself, you're your most important asset.
Alexandru Stan Posted October 13, 2013 Author Posted October 13, 2013 Thank you Emanule. Thank you so much for the kind words, and we are all beginners at some point. About the professional help, well since I'm not in school and I have some dept as I have mentioned, I don't have the means to yet. I've been told that there might be some help for these, in form of 'free' therapy at a local shelter I used to volunteer at. I was told to just let them know about my situation and fill out some forms, and that there might be a waiting list. I have not yet done that. As of right now I'm using sfhelp.org, by Peter Gerlach, and am going through the website's first lesson. I have been reluctant about trying to get 'free' therapy because I'm afraid to end up with a therapist that is not skilled in solving suck problems. I probably will try that as well. And I have been called crazy, so I don't think family therapy is something that has been considered. "If you don't continue your college education you will have to start paying for staying with us.""If you don't come downstairs and eat with us, you will not be able to use the car to get to work." Would you consider these as manipulations. I'm completely wrecked to hear my father always place these consequences that only are a form of manipulation to do what he wants and does not take into considerations my needs. My need to him is to go to college and get an education.And this conversation has been a great amount of help.Thank you again and if you don't mind me asking what has motivated you to start and stay on this path?
Emanuel Posted October 17, 2013 Posted October 17, 2013 I'm also following Peter Gerlach's first lesson, I think it's a great feat of human thought to have found out these truths and methods. Who called you crazy and why? What your father is saying is done in order to get you to comply with his needs. That's manipulative. Have you read Real Time Relationships? It's a free book from Stef that has been vital to my understanding and application of honesty in relationships. I'm mentionning this because it seems to me that you are not expressing your needs and feelings to your parents. I completely empathize with why you would not do that and the feelings that are brought up by your environment. I'm deeply sorry for what you have to deal with. I can tell you that I have kept on this road of philosophy and self-knowledge because I feel that even if everything with the world and my life is wrong and fundammentaly evil, I can change it all. I can create virtue in myself and inspire others to pursue it. That gives me hope and longing for my future. Just being around this compassionate and honest community gives me a taste of what we can create with these principles. Best of luck, and keep up the good fight.
Alexandru Stan Posted October 17, 2013 Author Posted October 17, 2013 There is discomfort when the phrase "expressing your needs and feelings to your parents" comes up. It's just one of those things that I have tried about a couple of months ago, but during a very bad time. It was around me resolving that I did not want to continue college. I was very scared, and frustrated, because of the negative responses from my father. I am beginning to understand that expressing myself to them might be the only way to free myself from taking the comfort of each day that I don't get talked down to or criticized or manipulated, over my long term happiness.To respond to your second paragraph, I find that I am completely alone in my current environment, in the pursuit of health and long term happiness. This is one of the places that could be a lighthouse for my soul. Lots of great ideas and lots of conversations that have shaped my last couple of years.Thank you again for the kind words and best of luck to you to.
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