Is Friendship Important?

[Panoptic]

I have been struggling to make friends from the new people I've been meeting and so I thought I would come on here for discussion.

 

I want to define two terms: friends (those who you can talk to about anything, emotional and personal issues), and buddies/acquaintances (those who you can simply hang out and have fun with, but are usually boring besides that)

 

I have only ever had buddies, no friends. Although I do think that "buddyship" can be important in a void of friends because at least you're having fun with your time.

 

My motivation for asking this question was this:

I had been thinking about the issue of romantic relationships when I suddenly imagined getting a new girlfriend where everything would be going good for a little while, then one day she would say to me "You should introduce me to your friends."; after which I would say I don't have friends, and I pondered what the reaction would be. I then thought about the importance of friendship which led me to start this topic.

 

So answer this: Is friendship important? If so, why? ALSO, is it important to have friends before getting into a romantic relationship? Does it have any bearing on your "being happy with yourself" (aka your personal well-being and satisfaction with yourself)?

[Guest Exceptionalist]

Is friendship important? It depends on how important a mutual benefit is for you. I am alone without feeling lonely. I have some relatives near my place but I don't have to see them. Once a week is enough for me, as a suspicion Aspie.

 

Does it have any bearing on your "being happy with yourself" (aka your personal well-being and satisfaction with yourself)? Social interactions are tiresome and stressfull to me. Small talk is for small minds, I guess.

[Kast]

I've been thinking the same thing lately ,friendships and finding a girlfriend. I have a lot of buddies at work and have a few people who are buddies at school but we don't hang out outside of those social situation which I find ok. I do think having friendships are important because you work on connecting with others which will help you connect better with your significant other.Atleast understand what works and doesn't. Although, I can't really answer to much towards your other questions as I haven't really figured out the answers myself.

[Ruben Zandstra]

In order for you and a girl you like to become really intimate, you should be very much interested in each other from the beginning, and even more than ordinary friends by your own definition, be talking about anything like crazy, especially emotional and personal issues.

 

In other words, a promising new lady friend you are romantically involved with, should probably not be asking you to be introduced to your friends.

She would have been studying you quite a bit on beforehand, and be well aware that you don't have what you consider to be friends. Perhaps she will not have many herself, or at least share some of your feelings and ambivalences around friendship.

[ribuck]

I think most buddies are potential friends. You start by hanging out with them and having fun. If you and your buddies go through difficult circumstances together, the emotions help you to bond as friends. That's the way it works for males anyway.

 

In days gone past, the bonding experiences would have been something like the near miss when you were chased by the sabre-tooth tiger. Nowadays they can be something like the time you got caught out by the storm while you were hiking, and you only just made it back to the car before the rescue helicopter was called.

 

The shared experiences don't even need to be negative ("difficult"); they just need to be emotionally powerful. Striving together for a common goal would count, for example.

 

In today's bland society it's less common to have the experiences that bond buddies into friends, but it can still happen.

[Panoptic]

I think most buddies are potential friends. You start by hanging out with them and having fun. If you and your buddies go through difficult circumstances together, the emotions help you to bond as friends. That's the way it works for males anyway.

 

In days gone past, the bonding experiences would have been something like the near miss when you were chased by the sabre-tooth tiger. Nowadays they can be something like the time you got caught out by the storm while you were hiking, and you only just made it back to the car before the rescue helicopter was called.

 

The shared experiences don't even need to be negative ("difficult"); they just need to be emotionally powerful. Striving together for a common goal would count, for example.

 

In today's bland society it's less common to have the experiences that bond buddies into friends, but it can still happen.

 

So you are saying that friendship forms from bonds of going through tough times. But then what about romantic relationships? You get into one by going up to women and introducing yourself for the specific purpose of forming a romantic relationship. There are no hard ships in going up to talk to them, and asking them out. And yet these romantic relationships evolve to be stronger than friendships. I guess they evolve through tough times, but what I am saying is that it does not start out that way. So how can a friendship start in comparison to how a romantic relationship starts? Or am I comparing two things that are not even compatible? I just feel as if I try to talk to guys in my classes, and continuously try to find something that both of us are interested in, but the other person usually seems too busy with life and doesn't bother too much to advance anything. Maybe I just have to keep talking to more people until I find one that actually has time to hang out.

[ribuck]

... But then what about romantic relationships? ...

 

I never managed to successfully "go up to women and introduce myself for the specific purpose of forming a romantic relationship" in an environment such as a bar where there was not already a common interest present, so I'm not the one to answer that question. I met my wife in a hiking club where we already enjoyed a common activity, although I certainly did make a point of introducing myself and being in her company "for the specific purpose of forming a romantic relationship".

 

It's interesting that arranged marriages are statistically more successful than self-chosen marriages, although I suspect that's due to sub-optimal self-choosing processes, rather than being due to an inherent advantage of arranged marriages.

[kcq]

Is friendship important? Definitely. If so, why? Friends act as a logical consistency detached from your personal emotional bias on any relevant issue. More importantly, They will be there to tend to your wound before your hands reach.  ALSO, is it important to have friends before getting into a romantic relationship? Romance doesn't exist. Does it have any bearing on your "being happy with yourself" (aka your personal well-being and satisfaction with yourself)? Ask yourself, does validation from significant others the only reason that brings you happiness?

[Panoptic]

Is friendship important? Definitely. If so, why? Friends act as a logical consistency detached from your personal emotional bias on any relevant issue. More importantly, They will be there to tend to your wound before your hands reach.  ALSO, is it important to have friends before getting into a romantic relationship? Romance doesn't exist. Does it have any bearing on your "being happy with yourself" (aka your personal well-being and satisfaction with yourself)? Ask yourself, does validation from significant others the only reason that brings you happiness?

 

The reason I was asking if friendship is important was not because I thought it was important for "validation" from others, I simply thought that having friends would help you to be more emotionally stable since isolation produces depression and anxiety. Also, could you explain "romance does not exist"? That is quite a frightening statement although we may have different definitions of romance. How are you defining it?

 

Also, I am a bit confused when you tell me to ask myself if validation from others is important, but before that you said friendship is important because "friends act as a logical consistency", which seems to be the same thing as "validation". Unless you are saying that validation from significant others is not a good or bad thing, and that I should not ONLY be looking for that, than it is confusing to me.

 

Aside from all of these posts, I actually JUST found this video from Stefan:

 

It is quite annoying that it just came up in related videos now, especially since I'm pretty sure I did a search for "friendship" on Stefan's channel a few weeks ago and nothing even close to this video came up... Anyway, the discussion on friendship it contains is very interesting.

[Josh F]

I have been struggling to make friends from the new people I've been meeting and so I thought I would come on here for discussion.

 

I want to define two terms: friends (those who you can talk to about anything, emotional and personal issues), and buddies/acquaintances (those who you can simply hang out and have fun with, but are usually boring besides that)

 

I have only ever had buddies, no friends. Although I do think that "buddyship" can be important in a void of friends because at least you're having fun with your time.

 

My motivation for asking this question was this:

I had been thinking about the issue of romantic relationships when I suddenly imagined getting a new girlfriend where everything would be going good for a little while, then one day she would say to me "You should introduce me to your friends."; after which I would say I don't have friends, and I pondered what the reaction would be. I then thought about the importance of friendship which led me to start this topic.

 

So answer this: Is friendship important? If so, why? ALSO, is it important to have friends before getting into a romantic relationship? Does it have any bearing on your "being happy with yourself" (aka your personal well-being and satisfaction with yourself)?

Can you describe how you've attempted making fiends in the past?  Do you think you've been a friend to someone, but they haven't been one to you?  Have you read any of Stef's work on RTR?

[Panoptic]

I have not read RTR (Real Time Relationships right?). I have only read On Truth The Tyranny of Illusion.  Of course I was planning on reading all of them eventually but if RTR has this sort of info I may jump into it now.

 

In the past it was always the same buddies throughout middle school and high school until my senior year when none were in my classes. It illuminated the real depth of the relationships; once they were not in my classes I did not talk to them. It was always about small talk, unsustainable.

 

Before I began college I made the decision to get friends but I obviously did not have the proper skills since I attempted the same small talk crap throughout my classes. In college its much different though because I think most people are more intelligent and get bored with small talk real quick.

 

If you're asking about me specifically though, I think that I am very confused as to how one would initiate the chain of events to obtain new friends or at least buddies who are potential friends. Small talk is not bad and I believe its the only way to initiate conversation but I never know where to venture beyond that. It seems like a universal problem for socially awkward people. Aside from talking, where the hell should I meet these people in the first place? These questions were leading me to compare the aspects of attempting to meet a girl and attempting to meet a new potential friend. When meeting a girl you go to a place or event where like-minded people are (like hiking club) observe them a bit before talking to them. I was wondering how similar it is if you are trying to find potential friends. I thought meeting a friend would be a little more lenient (as in meeting people in class or anywhere) since it seems like one would be more open to having friends with differing ideas than having a significant other with differing ideas.

[cynicist]

So answer this: Is friendship important? If so, why? ALSO, is it important to have friends before getting into a romantic relationship? Does it have any bearing on your "being happy with yourself" (aka your personal well-being and satisfaction with yourself)?

 

Absolutely yes to all three questions. The reason friends are vitally important is because it is difficult to see yourself or your actions clearly sometimes from within. I'm sure you've noticed things about other people (odd behaviors or repetitive patterns, even things like dressing provocatively) that they don't seem to be conscious of, things that you would consider negative. Well friends are there to help you live your values more consistently by telling you when you go astray. This is especially true in romantic relationships because your base mammalian impulses will often conflict with your values

 

As for the last question, we are social creatures. When we find something that we enjoy or do something that we are proud of the first thing we want to do is share our experiences with others, and we get a lot of pleasure out of that. I'm not sure I could say that friendship is required for personal happiness but it certainly enhances it.

 

I share your pain as I've had many superficial relationships, and I'm working on my self-knowledge to prevent that from happening again. Although I think the value of true friends is prodigious, it is matched by the difficulty in finding them. Good luck in your venture.

[sash1986]

Very interesting topic. In my opinion it ist very important to have people in your life, which you can openly share your opinions with, without the fear of being rejected or ridiculed.

This to me, would be the requirement for a true friendship. For the past couple of years i've only had one such true friend in my life, and because we life about 100 miles apart, it's difficult to see each other more than once a month.

Colleagues and people to hang out with is, like it's been mentioned before, a good opportunity to just do stuff together, but without having a deep connection. However, to me, it always feels unsatisfying, and i don't get much from these kind of relationships.

 

As far as romantic relationships go, I know exactly what you mean. Women eventually want to meet the people you hang out with, to see how you react with others who you are close with. Also many women feel drawn to guys who are popular, it's the old story.

If you don't have that many contacts, a lot of women see this as a red flag (i'm talking out of my own experience), which I think makes no sense.

If you're not interested in superficial relationships and rather seek true friendship (which imho is incredibly hard to achieve) that, to me, would be a sign of true integrity. But people who are not into philosophy and self-knowledge can't relate to that.

 

So I'd imagine, that if you meet a new girl and she's at least open to these ideas, she'd understand and accept you the way you are. It's however also very important how you go about this subject. If you give her the impression of being lonely, and trying to meet people but it just never get's anywhere, then that would be a negative signal for most. If on the other hand you explain that you want true friendship and can tell her what this exactly means to you, then I'm certain you can get over this obstacle in a new relationship. Also nothing in life lasts forever. You could have many friends in your youth, and then almost no one once you get older, or vice versa. There are no guarantees, it's always changing. And in a relationship both partners will change over time (hopefully grow), so if you see the bigger picture, whether or not someone has many friends in the beginning should not matter. I don't think that the "friends-issue" has any effect on your character!

 

But as always: If a woman/girl is truly interested in you, she should want to be with you either way, friends or no friends