PhilipJ Posted October 16, 2013 Share Posted October 16, 2013 I talk about my history and explain what lead me to make decisions about primary relationships: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTeHnfGEVJc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mishelle Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 You are an admirable speaker! I have a question about unconditional love, parental or otherwise, and am wondering your thoughts. I feel like there must always be conditions on love, otherwise it's kind of like an invitation to abuse or take advantage or justify bad behavior. I wonder if as a mom I had a child who was abusive to others for example, or was addict and refused help and treated me badly, but I still gave that child unconditional love and support that I become an enabler and worsen the issue. Your thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sashajade Posted October 17, 2013 Share Posted October 17, 2013 It's funny you mention that Mishelle, I also have a friend who i'am no longer able to b close to. So i guess we are more distant now as a result of his worsening opiate habit among other things that he can get his hands on. He has became more deceitful and I can no longer trust him like I once did. I feel conflicted, and still keep in touch. However I can't get too close because there's nothing I can do for him even if i know he didn't choose his addiction and the resulting manipulative behavior. I believe that you should continue to be supportive and unconditionally so. The only thing that its really important is that you set boundaries with them so that u don't become an enabler or victimized. By being supportive I mean if u can provide or help them get the resources they need to try to get better if they choose that, thats positive. Outside of them making their own decision to get help. I don't think there's much else you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilipJ Posted October 19, 2013 Author Share Posted October 19, 2013 I wonder if as a mom I had a child who was abusive to others for example, or was addict and refused help and treated me badly, but I still gave that child unconditional love and support that I become an enabler and worsen the issue. Your thoughts? If that child is abusive to others, or seeks refuge from feelings in the form of addiction, that person has failed to receive unconditional love and acceptance. I don't believe those conditions could appear due to unconditional love. ps. loving a child unconditionally does not mean there are no boundaries - it simply means the child feels assured that the love and acceptance they need is not at risk of being taken away based on who and how they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mishelle Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Hi Sashajade and Phil, thanks for your input. Do you find unconditional love and support to be somewhat antithetical to defooing? And if I'm understanding you right, a child's love of parent is conditional whereas the parental love should be unconditional? Sasha I'm sorry to hear about your friend and the effect it's having on your relationship together. I have cut ties with several friends in the last few years who also meet your description. I cannot be friends with someone who is manipulative, so I guess that would mean my friendships are conditional. Maybe that's why I have so few?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilipJ Posted October 20, 2013 Author Share Posted October 20, 2013 Do you find unconditional love and support to be somewhat antithetical to defooing? And if I'm understanding you right, a child's love of parent is conditional whereas the parental love should be unconditional? No, and here's why – the relationship between child and parent has the most contrast in power of any other human relationship. Once a person has reached maturity (and this of course not a black and white thing) they have reached a point where they can now be held accountable for their actions. This would, in my opinion, render all relationships (including the ones with their parents) conditional. Defooing, for me, works from the premise that we owe nothing to anyone, save for our children who are born "incomplete" and need love, attention, affection to complete their natural development. A child never owes their parent anything relationally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mishelle Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Hi Phil, thanks for reply! I don't want to slice straws, I really am curious about this. So, unconditional love is a temporary state of parent to child until they reach maturity, then the love moves to conditional? And what about friends and partners? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilipJ Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Hi Phil, thanks for reply! I don't want to slice straws, I really am curious about this. So, unconditional love is a temporary state of parent to child until they reach maturity, then the love moves to conditional? And what about friends and partners? Relationships between friends and partners are conditional. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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