Filosophize Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 Today I spoke with my mother about my childhood neglect/abuse. It was hard, I cried a bit, I became upset when she came up with justifications and explanations. Abuse/Neglect history: My father was running a business my entire childhood, he was essentially "gone" yet in the other side of the house for ~85% of my childhood. My parents spanked me ~less than 10 times or so to my memory as a child and ~less than 5 times or so put tobasco and/or soap in my mouth as punishment for bad language or "talking back". There are a handful of times that I can recall where I would be under a desk listening to my parents scream at each other during verbal "fights" of theirs. My mother was a serious "helicopter mom" meaning she was always hovering, controlling, micro managing, I was constantly told I was "gifted" and extremely intelligent. My highschool years were filled with depression, alienation, bullying, and verbal fighting with my parents. My father was almost killed when I was in 3rd grade when an employee that he fired attempted to stab him to death, my father survived with only minor injuries. --Today-- I spoke with my mother today on the phone and didn't really intend to bring all of this up but it all came flooding out after we had been talking about how she is attempting to help a close family friend of hers try to deal with a very troubled home life right now, (friend has a husband who is overeating himself to death, while she has MS and is in/out of the hospital regularly). I became very frustrated when my mother strongly objected to my calling the neglect from my father "abuse". She is familiar with Stefan Molyneux and has listed to a handful of podcasts and videos. She told me that I am using "Stefans words" not my own. He said that my father worked so hard to support me and my brothers etc and that he always had good intentions. I tried to explain that regardless of the intentions I feel like the neglect needs to be addressed in our family, for my sake and for my younger brothers' sakes' so that we don't take any baggage into our future relationships and future parenting. She said multiple times that I "did not have an abusive childhood" and asked "do you want an apology from him for working so hard to support you?" She said that if I confront him using terms such as "abuse" that he will become very upset and it could jeopardize "our relationship", that he already had one heart attack and that I should keep it to myself if I can't talk about it with less harsh language because it could kill him... She stated that perhaps I should consider the fact that his father died when he was seven and that that might be a factor for why he wasn't close with my brothers or I and in the same breath also tell me that I should go to therapy to discuss how to talk about this in non destructive way... Keep in mind that I hadn't said anything to her about how/when/where I wanted to speak with my dad about any of this, all I said was that I think the communication in our family is bad and that I want us to all talk about our childhood for my brothers and I's sake. She got off the phone needing to take care of a sick cat... and has since texted me statements such as "have you considered making the effort to repair your relationship with your dad while you still have him around" "isn't that a more productive use of everyones energies" and "the past is the past" again with the "do you want an apology for him working so hard to support you" I have only responded with "I will not talk about this via text" and she asked when I am availible to talk again, I said next week, she responded saying she is frustrated to have to hear all this today and have to wait till next week to talk again... I feel good that I let a lot of this out, I feel like I am one step closer to having this conversation with my dad, I do feel like I am owed an apology from him, I understand the intentions of providing for the family but I really wish we had lived in a smaller house with less cars and less stuff and instead had more time with my father... I am not sure how to keep talking to my mother without getting upset/angry with her justifications. Thank you for any help anyone can provide, I feel like I am not sure what I am hoping to accomplish, I tell myself that I want closure from my childhood, I feel like I have some anger/resentment towards my parents that will sometimes show when I have a petty disagreement with them when visiting/spending time with them.
Kevin Beal Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 God, I'm so sorry! What a terrible situation. I'm feeling overwhelmed just reading this, so I can imagine that you must be pretty upset about it. I do hear you though when you say that it felt good to let it all out, and I can totally appreciate that. I don't know of any specific things that you should do, but I think that the more you RTR in your coming conversations the more confident you can be about what you are saying, and the less your parents can dismiss what you are saying. Your mom can flat out deny that things happened, but she cannot say that you aren't upset or resentful and wanting to talk about your childhood. The more you can stick with the facts of your experience, the more you can be sure that her hostility has nothing to do with anything you did wrong, and it will highlight the irrationality and defensiveness that much more. And if she responds to your experience with curiosity and empathy then you can see how to move forward with it and get her help with your journey to find closure. If however she doubles down, attacks you for being honest and resist all your attempts to have an actually meaningful conversation about some very difficult and painful things, then that is some very important information right there. Here are some relevant podcasts on the subject: FDR1222 Preparing for THE Conversation With Your Father. http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1222_Preparing_For_The_Conversation_With_Father.mp3 978 DeFOO Decision (listener convo) http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_978_DeFOO_Decision.mp3
aFireInside Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 978 DeFOO Decision (listener convo) http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_978_DeFOO_Decision.mp3 This really helped me
Filosophize Posted October 18, 2013 Author Posted October 18, 2013 God, I'm so sorry! What a terrible situation. I'm feeling overwhelmed just reading this, so I can imagine that you must be pretty upset about it. I do hear you though when you say that it felt good to let it all out, and I can totally appreciate that. I don't know of any specific things that you should do, but I think that the more you RTR in your coming conversations the more confident you can be about what you are saying, and the less your parents can dismiss what you are saying. Your mom can flat out deny that things happened, but she cannot say that you aren't upset or resentful and wanting to talk about your childhood. The more you can stick with the facts of your experience, the more you can be sure that her hostility has nothing to do with anything you did wrong, and it will highlight the irrationality and defensiveness that much more. And if she responds to your experience with curiosity and empathy then you can see how to move forward with it and get her help with your journey to find closure. If however she doubles down, attacks you for being honest and resist all your attempts to have an actually meaningful conversation about some very difficult and painful things, then that is some very important information right there. Here are some relevant podcasts on the subject: FDR1222 Preparing for THE Conversation With Your Father. http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1222_Preparing_For_The_Conversation_With_Father.mp3 978 DeFOO Decision (listener convo) http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_978_DeFOO_Decision.mp3 Thank you for the post, I will listen to the podcasts tonight, my mother has since started texting me saying that she looked up this "stefan molyneux" and is now concerned that I "have gone off the deep end" with "anti family" "cult" stuff... *sigh* =(
Wesley Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 my mother has since started texting me saying that she looked up this "stefan molyneux" and is now concerned that I "have gone off the deep end" with "anti family" "cult" stuff... *sigh* =( Anti Child Abusers =/= Anti Family Anti Rape =/= Anti Sex Anti Assault =/= Anti Physical Contact Anti Murder =/= Anti Human Interaction Anti Theft =/= Anti Exchange/Gifting of Goods I could keep going with the garbage manipulative analogies to justify evil behavior, but I figured this was enough to illustrate the absurdity of the comments and my anger towards them.
Hannibal Posted October 18, 2013 Posted October 18, 2013 I can relate to a certain extent, indirectly. My grandfather died about a year ago (maybe 2 - i don't have a very involved experience of the passage of time), and I got chatting to an uncle I don't see very often - the youngest of 4. My mother used to get a little upset and put out when he'd mention that he had a bad childhood - i think some of it came out because he wasn't particularly interested in looking after my grandfather when he got frail/dementia etc, which upset my mum. Anyhow, he explained to me how he wasn't really a dad. he just went to work, went to the pub for a drink after, and then came home and sat in his chair and read the paper - or whatever. It didn't sound terrible, but he asked "do you remember you mum and dad taking you on days out? playing games and watching tv together?". I'd replied that yes - infact my parents are too smothering which makes it harder for me to be as close to them. Anyway, he said that he doesn't have any of those memories, and that's when I realised that there is something in his point of view - after it was contrasted with my childhood where i could want for nothing (and as far as i can tell it will be the same for his child, which is great). Anyhow, the point if this isn't to talk about me, but I mentioned it because I think I can understand your feelings. And I also know how my immediate family don't understand my uncle, and think he's just not a very good guy. I'm pretty sure if they chatted it out that they could understand why he's been upset, but knowing my mum I do suspect that it would have to be done carefully because she is very emotionally driven. i don't think that it would go well if he used the word "abuse" directly. Perhaps he could describe it like that after everyone has an understanding of why he's upset. So i'm not an expert, but i would only suggest you ask yourself if it could be constructive to express how strongly you feel, but with some carefully thought language which might give you the chance to say what you need and it actually sinking in? Whats the point of saying it all (assuming you do want to see if you can be a closer family) if emotional reactions mean none of it will be heard for what it is? I'm not saying that you're necessarily wrong to call it abuse, but you should choose your language / timing according to which end you're trying to achieve. If it's just carthasis, with little concern for consequences, then fine. But otherwise you might be able to achieve a result that is better for you.
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