What is the purpose of blaming parents?

[brian0918]

I was wondering - I've started listening to Stefan's podcasts, and in every one involving personal problems, he always traces it back to abusive parenting years earlier - and that's it.

 

Some questions I have from observing this: 

 

1. What is the purpose of explicitly placing this blame?

2. Assuming that the individual acknowledges that his/her parents made bad choices years ago - how does that therapeutically benefit the individual here and now?

 

Going further, I have seen recommendations that adult children break all ties with their parents. What is the purpose of this? Is consideration given as to whether the parent acknowledges past mistakes, or to the parents' own poor upbringing? What benefit does it give to the adult child? If you are surrounded by people who accept spanking/verbally abusing children, why specifically focus on cutting all ties to your parents in particular, if they are no longer verbally/physically harming you?

 

For me, I don't see the point in dwelling on the past. Certainly, even if I openly accept that my parents were to blame for my various "idiosyncrasies" today, that would in no way alleviate them - not in the slightest.

[cherapple]

I regret responding. Deleted. 

[JamesP]

Did you listen to those conversations in full?

 

If you did, you would know that Stef recommends therapy. Nowhere (to the best of my knowledge) does he stop at "your parents are to blame."

 

Why do you think you decided to introduce yourself to this community this way?

[brian0918]

Did you listen to those conversations in full?

 

The specific segments, yes. I agree he does recommend therapy. I just wanted to know what purpose/benefit there was to putting the initial blame on the parents, from the perspective of helping the individual here and now. In my own case, I have started listening to his podcasts, hoping to get more insight about how to better myself, but maybe that's outside the scope of a phone conversation.

 

Why do you think you decided to introduce yourself to this community this way? 

 

I didn't decide to "introduce myself to the community". I decided to ask questions that I have been thinking about. I alluded to my reasons in my last post - I still have somewhat of a relationship with my parents, and do not see what benefit I could gain from cutting all ties to them, or telling their current selves that they are to blame for their past mistakes in my childhood. Since this seems to be continually brought up by Stefan in his podcasts, I was hoping to find out *why* it was important, and what sort of positive benefit this acknowledgment might have.

[Pepin]

A question I like to 

 

1. What i s the purpose of explicitly placing this blame?

2. Assuming that the individual acknowledges that his/her parents made bad choices years ago - how does that therapeutically benefit the individual here and now?

 

1. Being aware of where psychological stems from and being angry at any abuse suffered to avoid recreating it or repressing it. Being aware of the people you are associating with and being able to rationally judge the relationships that will allow for the maximum level of happiness. Adjudicating responsibility for harm done to you.

 

I wouldn't use the term blame, just as we wouldn't say that a victim of physical assault blames the assaulter. It is of course semantics, but I think a stronger word ought to be used because the effects of a negative childhood shape the structure of your brain, much of what can't be changed without years and years of intensive therapy.

 

2. In the same way that finding out that your best friend beats his wife catapults you out of that relationship. Except worse, because you were the one being beat, you are a child, and you can't leave as your survival depends on thee people

[Panoptic]

The reason initial blame is placed on the parents is because you, as a human being, did not make the decision to come into this world. You learned everything you know from your parents. If they never let you express your emotions in the home, then you learn to contain your emotions (which is dangerous). If they beat you as a child, you learn to beat your children as well. Of course, they were also brought up in the same way, but we are all responsible for our actions once we become adults. We have the option to reteach ourselves.

 

Cutting communication with your parents is a last resort. It is suggested that you talk to them and express how you feel about everything. If they acknowledge their mistakes, and actually work to change themselves in order to accomidate you (because if you are not gaining any happiness out of a relationship then there is no point), then it is okay to continue the relationship. But the problem is that usually they are already too far into their life to change, and they usually will not change. You cannot change them, and they will usually continue manipulation even though you are an adult now. This can take the form of "family obligations", guilt trips, finacial binding, etc. And why would you continue a relationship that gives you no happiness? Friends or family? There is nothing naturally virtuous in family, or DNA. And when you realize how they have brought you up, and how much they have either neglected you or abused you, and they cannot even acknowledge that fact deep down, then you will realize that it is not possible to work with them. It would be like trying to continue a relationship with somebody that murdered your wife. Except, it was your parents who destroyed your childhood, and those bad experiences will come back and continue to cause you misery unless you can free yourself. - In other words, those past experiences hold very real consequences in the present if you do not free yourself.

[brian0918]

Thank you both for the great responses - this has given me a lot to think about. Does Stefan have a specific podcast where he examines this topic in a structured way, rather than through listener questions?

 

Some thoughts that come to mind from Extraordinary_rendition's response: what if you believe your worst childhood problems came more from your public school experiences (among peers) than from your parents? In addition, your family was poor, your parents worked all day, and there was no way they could get you to a better school? I realize I am making some assumptions about the parents' options, and may be trying to excuse their (in)action. At the end of the day would you still lay full blame on the parents?

[Kevin Beal]

109. But *my* parents were really nice! (Part 1)

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/but_my_parents_were_nice_part_1.mp3

 

110. But *my* parents were really nice! (Part 2)

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/but_my_parents_were_nice_part_2.mp3

 

111. But *my* parents were really nice! (Part 3)

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/but_my_parents_were_nice_part_3.mp3

 

112. But *my* parents were really nice! (Part 4)

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/but_my_parents_were_nice_part_4.mp3

 

113. But *my* parents were really nice! (Part 5: Freedom)

http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/but_my_parents_were_nice_part_5.mp3

 

This is a series that is good at providing some moral clarity. Practical reasons why bad parents ought be blamed are all well and good, but I think the moral reality is more important. It can be hard to see given all of the propaganda we are fed as children, but it's important to break that down and look at it critically.

[Magnus]

Stef's podcasts speak for themselves, but my understanding is that he does not recommend blaming parents. He recommends two things -- (1) ethical principles are valid only when capable of being applied universally (and therefore to parents), and (2) we should maintain only positive, ethical and voluntary relationships in our adult lives.

 

If you were raised by unethical, abusive parents (I was), the path to a healthy adult life begins with identifying and living by valid ethical principles. Children will conform themselves to all manner of irrational, indefensible ethics in order to excuse their parents. It's what we do to survive. But as adults, we need reason and rational ethics in order to lead full lives. That means jettisoning the excuses and rationalizations that we learned in order to cover for and excuse bad parenting.

 

Second, he does not recommend attacking parents. He recommends going back to them again and again sharing your real-time feelings with them. Healthy parents will be interested in your emotional life, and will want to hear the truth, will apologize for past wrongs, and not manipulate you into distorting your ethics in order to let them off the hook. They will relate to you as an adult, and be a positive contribution to your life. A lot of people don't have that kind of relationship with their parents. A lot of people are stuck in old childhood patterns, perpetually reliving the same old dysfunctions.

 

Stef's recommendation is to improve bad relationships. He says to "make them great or make them gone." He says to go back again and again, for as long as it takes to either forge a positive relationship or convince yourself that it's futile. Your gut feelings will tell you if you are succeeding, failing, or will never succeed.

[aFireInside]

Who said to blame them?its about acknowledgment.i can't tell if this is a serious questionthey say asking the right question is harder than finding the answer

[Stefan Molyneux]

I think that accepting that adults are responsible for their actions is a reasonable perspective, particularly when those adults have a tendency to punish children, and hold the children responsible for their actions.

[brian0918]

Magnus - thanks, that was very clarifying, and it's great to see how it comes about naturally from broader principles.

 

Related topic: has Stefan ever discussed or rebutted the perspective I have seen from ARI in the past, which asserts that since adult children have received value from their parents (assuming that's true), they have a moral responsibility to give value in return by taking care of them in old age? I don't think they were including abusive relationships in that category, though they may not accept Stefan's criteria for what constitutes abusive parenting.

 

I guess I am just wondering if he would agree with them on the general idea of such a moral responsibility (on the basis of not accepting value without giving value in return), even if he disagrees on the specifics, e.g. who is considered a good parent.

[cherapple]

What is your relationship like with your parents? How did you feel in their care as a young child? How do you feel about caring for them in the future?

 

The root of your questions isn't about what's right or wrong regarding caring for parents, in general, but about what's right or wrong for you, which only you can know. 

[Wesley]

has Stefan ever discussed or rebutted the perspective I have seen from ARI in the past, which asserts that since adult children have received value from their parents (assuming that's true), they have a moral responsibility to give value in return by taking care of them in old age?

 

I give you an apple. You had no choice. I give you a bill for $100 for the apple and say it is your moral obligation to pay me for the apple.

 

Or more likely with how many parents work, replace apple with being hit and yelled at.

 

I think you can see this is obviously not a binding contract of any kind and would put no obligation on the child to provide value for the parent in the future.

 

I don't think they were including abusive relationships in that category, though they may not accept Stefan's criteria for what constitutes abusive parenting.

 

This isn't an "accept my criteria" question. Is it true or not? If you hit an adult, then it is abuse. In fact. a child cannot escape and thus deserves  much higher standards for abuse than with an adult, chosen relationship.

 

I guess I am just wondering if he would agree with them on the general idea of such a moral responsibility (on the basis of not accepting value without giving value in return), even if he disagrees on the specifics, e.g. who is considered a good parent.

 

See above

[Kevin Beal]

has Stefan ever discussed or rebutted the perspective I have seen from ARI in the past, which asserts that since adult children have received value from their parents (assuming that's true), they have a moral responsibility to give value in return by taking care of them in old age?

If you had such a great loving relationship, then why would you ever need to establish any obligations? Wouldn't you want to do that?

 

It's an unchosen positive obligation to say that adult children owe their parents that since they had no choice about it, they didn't choose to be born. And unchosen positive obligations are horse unicorn doodies.

[meeri]

It's an unchosen positive obligation to say that adult children owe their parents that since they had no choice about it, they didn't choose to be born. And unchosen positive obligations are horse doodies.

Haha..or perhaps unicorn doodies:)

[brian0918]

Thanks. I don't have the full argument to review from ARI, but this has been clarifying for me.

[cynicist]

I just wanted to add that it's not about blame: if you don't put responsibility in the proper place (your parents if they were abusive) then you will go through life with all these unresolved issues and will be utterly powerless to solve any problems that arise from them. For example, if you have issues with a negative self image that lead you to abusive relationships or not getting the job you want because you don't feel deserving, if that lack of self worth comes from your parents not showing enough interest in you as a child and you don't explore that, then you will be doomed to live the rest of your life with that problem because you will consider it to be your problem rather than a problem with how your parents raised you. (giving responsibility to yourself rather than where it should be)

[NeoEclectic]

Sometimes I find certain aspects about Stefan's position a difficult pill to swallow. There's so much emphasis on past transgressions and pin pointing it to bad parenting subsequently excusing choices that people make as adults. I think at some point the person needs to stop blaming everything and begin taking ownership.

 

He also talks about making individual choices as adults, but his line between when to blame your parents and when to blame yourself is severely blurred. Maybe it's simply a matter of not understanding his points or him not being clear on his position.

[Wesley]

Sometimes I find certain aspects about Stefan's position a difficult pill to swallow. There's so much emphasis on past transgressions and pin pointing it to bad parenting subsequently excusing choices that people make as adults. I think at some point the person needs to stop blaming everything and begin taking ownership.

 

He also talks about making individual choices as adults, but his line between when to blame your parents and when to blame yourself is severely blurred. Maybe it's simply a matter of not understanding his points or him not being clear on his position.

I am confused; are you not sure of his position or are you commenting in opposition to it? It seems to me that commenting in opposition to a position you do not understand would be- at best- not very intellectually honest.

[Kevin Beal]

Sometimes I find certain aspects about Stefan's position a difficult pill to swallow. There's so much emphasis on past transgressions and pin pointing it to bad parenting subsequently excusing choices that people make as adults. I think at some point the person needs to stop blaming everything and begin taking ownership.

 

He also talks about making individual choices as adults, but his line between when to blame your parents and when to blame yourself is severely blurred. Maybe it's simply a matter of not understanding his points or him not being clear on his position.

The degree to which you have control over your situation is the degree to which you become responsible.

 

It's not determinism and it does not excuse an adult going around and acting out their dysfunction with other people, what it does is explain the origins of different patterns of behavior we developed as children in order to protect ourselves from bad parents. The anger and contempt is not for the current situation, but the one where our past self who had no choice was wounded emotionally to the degree to which powerful emotional defenses developed, thus making our lives more difficult in the present day.

 

Gaining moral clarity about the past situation means we develop compassion for ourselves, understand our defenses and gain greater control over how we choose to behave now as free adults. And blame is an important part of that process.

 

I would actually go so far as to say blame rather than "assign responsibility". A person is not going to develop narcissistic defenses if they had a loving supportive relationship with their parents. People instead (or maybe it's just me, lol) have a hell of a time connecting with other people because of these defenses that we were forced to develop as children in response to neglect and abuse.

 

And that's a super tragic, rage-inducing, well of sorrow kind of thing that most people don't get anywhere near looking at directly because it's so painful. And they keep that distance by avoiding blaming their parents. At their own expense, to protect people who neglected or abused them when they were the most vulnerable.

 

Hope that clarifies some things. You really ought listen to the podcast series that I posted above.

[PatrickC]

There's so much emphasis on past transgressions and pin pointing it to bad parenting subsequently excusing choices that people make as adults. I think at some point the person needs to stop blaming everything and begin taking ownership.

 

I think if you truly believed that, then perhaps you should be taking your own advice.I think it's very much an individuals choice and experience of their childhood, as to the degree of responsibility they might place on their parents. In reality it's much less about blame (your choice of word), than it is about a better understanding of oneself.

[NeoEclectic]

When people can't find the words to convey a point they always resort to hostility. You don't like what someone says so you attack them where I always thought philosophy was about the exchange of ideas.

 

I come from an extremely abusive childhood where I experienced traumatic physical and mental abuse. I have been beaten to the point of requiring medical attention, I have been starved, tortured, cut, stabbed, burned, and basically mistreated in almost every conceivable way except for sexually.

 

Everyday after school I would come home to receive my daily beating. Some days I would do everything I could to avoid going home for fear of what was waiting for me. I endured this torture up until about the age of 13. Around that point my parent learned that I was big enough to retaliate. Once it was clear that the physical abuse couldn't continue without reciprocity the mental abuse went into overdrive.

 

I ran away from home on three occassions and when I was 17 I left for good and didn't look back. I served in the military because it was the fastest way to get me away from all of that. I've always known that what I was going through wasn't right and it's not something I would wish upon anyone else. I never blamed myself and those experiences helped me to become the person I am today.

 

I don't look back and say I never got to go to college because of what happened. I never said that I'm f'd up in the head because of what happened, or I sell drugs because of what happened, or I prostitute myself, can't have a stable relationship, or whatever.

 

Instead I learned from that experience and it made me smarter and stronger. I did go to college and graduate; I have been involved in a few stable, long term, relationships; I'm not sitting in prison; I was homeless for 2 years literally living on the street but now I live in a relatively nice condo in an upscale neighborhood.

 

I never had time or the desire to sit around and pity myself because of life experiences. I always possessed rational and logical reasoning. When I did get in trouble I never said "It's because my childhood was f'd up man". I knew I made a bad choice and learned from it. The decisions I make for myself has nothing to do with what happened other than the conscious decision to never allow myself to become that. It's impossible to move forward into the future if we constantly dwell on the negativities of the past.

 

The point is I never used my childhood as a reason for acting out. I owned up to everything I have done because I know that there is no excuse for simply being a bad person.

 

Edit: Getting back to the original point. I don't believe it's always the best option to dwell on past trangressions and blame others for how we are today. Humans have he inate ability of knowing what is right or wrong, but we allow ourselves to give into selfish desires and later try to free ourselves from reprecussions by coming up with excuses.

 

I will agree that perhaps for some people it's all too much and maybe you can point a finger and bad parenting, but if you have the presence of mind to know what you're doing is wrong then how can you blame anyone or anything else for your poor choices.

 

Sometimes it can be due to bad parenting, but once you reach a certain point all of that shouldn't matter anymore. It's about maturing and taking ownership over your life.

[Kevin Beal]

I'm so sorry NeoEclectic. That is monstrously evil stuff. Not everyone survives that kind of abuse. I'm glad to hear that you made it and have made committed to not continuing that cycle.

 

As far as the point you are making, it seems to me that you are saying that it's not productive, healthy or true to say that I beat up my kids because I was beat up by my parents, thereby excusing my own destructive behavior. That is not the position that I take, nor is it what anyone I know is saying (although I haven't asked very many people). It would be a kind of determinism, that like you suggested would only serve to have people excusing their own behavior and avoid responsibility.

 

That would definitely be a problem and is something that I've heard about happening, but there is also the opposite problem where people are not assigning any responsibility to bad parents. Ironically, the result is the same. By justifying, excusing and minimizing the trauma their parents inflicted on them they internalize the message that as adults, they (the adult child) are also excused and are not responsible.

 

Hopefully the result of this kind of work on self knowledge is assuming more responsibility rather than less. By seeing our parents as responsible for the trauma they inflict, getting it deep in our core, we can gain a greater sense of our own responsibility, and have more of a sense of our decisions in this new light. Moral clarity, assigning blame where it's due, is a push to become a more virtuous a person than before by seeing injustices for what they are in our personal lives, and our pasts.

 

I also take issue with the idea that we cannot move forward by staying in the past. I personally have found this to be untrue in my own work. The basis of bringing up childhood in therapy is so that we can have progress in those areas. I actually find it very irritating to hear this from people. Nobody ever argues that it's true, they simply state it like they know what they are talking about, without any reservations or qualifiers like such a statement could be made with any kind of genuine certainty. Very irritating. If you can make this case, I'd be interested to hear it.

 

Hope that clarifies. And sorry again for such a shit hand as a child. I have just the most deepest contempt for people who torture children.

[NeoEclectic]

 

As far as the point you are making, it seems to me that you are saying that it's not productive, healthy or true to say that I beat up my kids because I was beat up by my parents, thereby excusing my own destructive behavior. That is not the position that I take, nor is it what anyone I know is saying (although I haven't asked very many people). It would be a kind of determinism, that like you suggested would only serve to have people excusing their own behavior and avoid responsibility.

 

That would definitely be a problem and is something that I've heard about happening, but there is also the opposite problem where people are not assigning any responsibility to bad parents. Ironically, the result is the same. By justifying, excusing and minimizing the trauma their parents inflicted on them they internalize the message that as adults, they (the adult child) are also excused and are not responsible.

 

Parents should be held responsible for their children while they are children with diminished capacity of authority as they progress through adulthood. Such as if I witness a 6-year-old being a complete, uncontrollable brat in public I hold the parent responsible. At such a young age children really do not understand completely the concept of right or wrong.

 

If I see the same kid at age 20 I now hold that person responsible for their decision making and not their parents. If by the time you become 30, have kids of your own, and claim the reason why you beat your kids is because you were abused as a child is irresponsible. These are extreme examples but it can be applied to a lot of other examples.

 

I have a friend that is 45 years old and lives in his father's house. He hasn't had a job in 5 years and has no amibition to be gainfully employed ever. He spends what little money he comes across for beer and weed, but never has any money when it comes to paying his debts.

 

The terrible thing is he knows the difference between right and wrong; he has his entire life. I've seen him borrow money from someone then later tell me he has no intention of paying it back. The way he puts it is "I know I should pay it back, but f*** it he made me wait for it so screw him. It's his fault". He has done this countless number of times and have burned many bridges as a result. He just doesn't care.

 

His defense is that his mother savagely beat him as a child thus it vindicates his current behavior. It worked at first and he gained a lot of sympathy but that ran out as he continued to burn bridges and his friends found it impossible to believe that he could continue to assign blame for his poor behavior because of something his mother had done many years ago. Not to mention that it just didn't add up in other situations where he would screw people over, for other things, and then cry that he did it because of his poor upbringing.

 

A more subtle example is another friend of mine that is 34 years old and has almost none of his original teeth. His reason for having had poor oral hygiene is because his parents never made him brush his teeth when he was younger.

 

Does the need to maintain proper, oral, hygiene become any less relevant just because your parents didn't force you to brush and floss? Surely, he realized that his dragon breath required attention. Or that after his 5th root canal that maybe it's time to pickup a toothbrush?

 

 

I also take issue with the idea that we cannot move forward by staying in the past. I personally have found this to be untrue in my own work. The basis of bringing up childhood in therapy is so that we can have progress in those areas. I actually find it very irritating to hear this from people. Nobody ever argues that it's true, they simply state it like they know what they are talking about, without any reservations or qualifiers like such a statement could be made with any kind of genuine certainty. Very irritating. If you can make this case, I'd be interested to hear it.

 

I don't know of any research or studies to prove or disprove that sentiment. My academic pedigree resides in IT and not mental health or social programs so I don't claim to be a credible expert with such analysis. Though there is a saying that goes "It doesn't take a rocket scientist...".

 

I don't mean to offend by over simplifying something that can be a real problem for some people. I can understand an 18-year-old having trouble reconciling disturbing experiences. I don't excuse a 45-year-old that knows the difference between right and wrong.

 

Even in the court of law a poor upbringing isn't a valid excuse for committing a crime. People are held accountable for their actions regardless of prior social experience. Of course, excluding obvious self defense cases and the like.

 

If you decide to drive while drunk and kill a family of four in a horrific car crash you go to jail. The court doesn't care that your mother savagely beat you as a child and that you drink to forget. If you rob a convenience store and get caught you go to jail. The law doesn't care that you grew up in the poorest community in the country. It's just not a defense; it's an excuse.

 

Let's entertain the idea that someone does self medicate by drinking to forget the past. That's still not a reason to get behind the wheel when drunk, or to beat your kids, or to beat your wife, or to lie. They know those things are wrong yet they persist because they have a license to do those things because of a bad experience.

 

Society doesn't blame their parents we blame the individual because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that each individual is ultimately responsible for his/her actions. Speaking from the perspective that these are adults.

 

If it's a child then society rightly questions the kid's home life. The point being that we create a distinction, perhaps artificially, and the individuals in question should be able to discern this distinction as well.

[Kevin Beal]

His defense is that his mother savagely beat him as a child thus it vindicates his current behavior. It worked at first and he gained a lot of sympathy but that ran out as he continued to burn bridges and his friends found it impossible to believe that he could continue to assign blame for his poor behavior because of something his mother had done many years ago. Not to mention that it just didn't add up in other situations where he would screw people over, for other things, and then cry that he did it because of his poor upbringing.

And where is it that you see Stef or anyone else excusing behavior like this like it's not his responsibility? If you can't give me an example, then I would appreciate you conceding the point. This is not the position taken by Stef as I understand it, nor anyone else on the boards AFAIK.

 

I appreciate that you've put some thought into when and how people are responsible for their actions, but what I don't appreciate is that you suggest that what Stef is doing is:

 

 

 

There's so much emphasis on past transgressions and pin pointing it to bad parenting subsequently excusing choices that people make as adults. I think at some point the person needs to stop blaming everything and begin taking ownership.

 

I speak only for myself, but I think I've explained why this is not a true portrayal of what the podcasts or the thread is about. I would simply ask you to either accept this or tell me what specifically I've said that is in error.

[Mike Fleming]

For me it's not just my childhood.  It's the fact that my parents didn't change when I became an adult.   Even as I consistently pointed out their abusive behaviour.  It wasn't the same abuses as a child, they knew there were various things that they couldn't in a million years get away with now.  Unfortunately, society teaches parents new tricks, things like using guilt, emotional blackmail etc and also the fact that society assists in making adult children feel guilty if they don't think their parents are wonderful regardless of how the parents behave.

 

Society does everything it can both to encourage parental bad behaviour and then uses social conditioning, by saying things like "don't blame your parents" to basically allow the abuses to continue but in a different form.  

 

If the abuse ended at 18 and the parents and child reconciled at that point and had good relationships going forward that would be one thing.  But how often do parents change?   Never in my experience.  Some of the abuses end, but only what they can't get away with any more.  Never all of them.  And I don't see any reason to excuse abusive behaviour in any form.  I just think most adult children are conditioned by society to think that abusive parental behaviour is not abusive when they are adults and so you are just getting angry for those few times when they spanked you as a child.   And one of the reasons the adult children do go along with it is because they know it will be useful for them to be able to say it to their children, because they are just going to continue the abusive cycle.

[JamesP]

Stef has held my feet to the fires of responsibility when I've done things that are against my stated values.  He knows quite a lot about my history, but he also knows that the proper ownership of responsibility is a precious thing.

 

It sucks, but I'd rather have my toes singed than my soul entombed.

[cherapple]

Brian0918, I just noticed that your avatar is a picture of Atlas. Therein lies the answer to your question: "What is the purpose of blaming parents?" I would reword the question: "What is the purpose of placing responsibility on the shoulders of your parents?"

 

In order to allow your child self to shrug. 

[Slavik]

I can only answer from my personal view.  Until recent discovery, here is what I thought

1) I am just that way

2) It is normal to be the way I am

3) Everyone is that way

4) im just too weak, so if only I push harder I will become better

 

Here is what happened when I opened my eyes and looked at my childhood

 

1) No I am not just that way, I was abused pretty badly

2) the fact that I am feeling bad, or that I simply unable to do some tasks, is nothing normal, and there IS a way to work on it and change it

3) No not every one is that way

4) Finally,  I am not weak, I wasnt born weak, thanks to my parents abuse as well as to them ignoring abuse done to me and thanks to them abandoning me, I am the way I am.  BUT now that I have seen and recognized that I am not at fault, but rather my parents are, I can let go of self hatred, I no longer hate myself, as I did for some odd 20+ years.  And self work can now begin.