Feeding a Toddler Effectively Without Force

[MysterionMuffles]

I need some help on how I can effectively feed my neice, who I babysit on the weekends. She seems to have a strange relationship with food and I had to find out lately that my cousin says that she eats well with her only because she force feeds her sometimes.

 

Last month I was going to try force feeding my neice, but she kept turning her head and get more frustrated the more I tried even if I took a few minutes to let her digest. So I stopped trying because I didn't want to upset her, however she needs to eat throughout the day because I'm afraid her nutrition is all messd up, she's constipated a lot of the times. And the constipation Im not sure is an excuse to NOT feed her if she's already full from days of blocked up food.

 

Anyways, I looked up force feeding benefits, but I couldn't find any. All evidence pointed to the contrary. It is not at all beneficial because it causes kids to have bad relationships with food, especially if you constantly have to beg and plead to get them to eat, which is what my cousin does. I even tried to look for articles that say it's actually positive to force feed, but I really can't find any. I just keep finding that it frustrates the child as much as I've experienced empirically, and that some food disorders are actually linked to childhood force feeding. So ultimately, I chose to never force feed her, and went through the negotiation route. 

 

I've been successful a few times, while others I'm not sure if I'm losing patience and she senses that, hence she refuses to eat, that;s what I need help on. I want to know if I'm doing this right.

 

Last weekend, she wanted to go upstairs and I enforced "no you can't go unless you finish this first." But then she started banging her head on the wall and dropping to the floor, and realized that I was trying to dominate her. So I sat by the stairs and motioned to the plate and the stairs for her, "ok fine we'll go upstairs, if you promise to eat once we do. Do you promise to eat if we go upstairs?" She nodded, stopped whining immediately. When we got up, I tried to feed her, she turned her head away and I said "remember you promised?" She said "oh okay!" And then just took a bite and continued normally from there.

 

During another feeding though, she wanted to eat some baby junk food so I KNEW she was in the mood for eating and was actually hungry, so I ruled out the possibility that she just isn't hungry. I had to feed her something healthy so I said "if you want me to open this you have to finish this first," so the negotiation that time back fired. Maybe I was getting aggrovated and too controlling because I was showing her that I would hide the Bear Paws until she chooses to co-operate.

 

I want to know how much more effective I could be with negotiating with her to eat. I have her for almost 12 hours a day, and I don't want her to starve on the pacifistic principle that I just don't want to frustrate her about eating. I know she can go a few hours without eating, but I am worried that I may be messing up her nutrtional habits if I just don't feed her at all in a day on account of her constipation not allowing new food to come in.

 

As for the question about her parents feeding her...ugh...I don't even want to get into that. It's not horrible forceful, and in fact since I posted a Facebook status about my experience I described above, I noticed my cousin becoming a bit more positive when it came to feeding her. Hopefully that impact lasts but I have no control over that. Only what I get to do with my neice on the weekends.

 

I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on this!

[FreedomFanBoy]

With our daughter, we tend to stick to a few foods but mix it up. Buy a Food Mill (http://www.amazon.com/Norpro-Grinder-Mincer-Pasta-Maker/dp/B0002I5QHW/ref=sr_1_32?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1382391147&sr=1-32&keywords=food+mill)

 

Grind up a variety of vegetables and mix it with cheese and put into a quesadilla. When ever we give her quesadillas we add extra ingredients. 

 

She usually does a great job of eating it. We give her a ton of fresh veggies and fruit too. And cheese and yogurt. The only thing you can do is give her a variety. She is old enough (I'm assuming. How old?) to tell if she is hungry. Also, if anything, if she doesn't want to eat then, don't force it. Try again in an hour. This way, she will learn that she needs to help manager her hunger and food intake. That you or her parents aren't going to do it for her. That teaches her some responsibility to self. 

 

Oh, and don't forget to add fiber. 

[luminescent]

Well, it is possible that if she's not eating, there's a logical reason for it.  You mentioned that she has constipation -- so you might want to try to solve that problem first.  It might be that not eating feels right to her because it actually is a "better" choice for her in some way.  I'm not any kind of professional nutritionist, doctor, etc., but is she taking any probiotic supplements?  Or eating any fermented foods like yogurt, kefir, or naturally fermented sauerkraut or pickles?  If not, then that would be the first thing I would try.  Is her doctor aware of the constipation and has he/she suggested anything for it?  If not, probiotics would be a great place to start.  If you're unsure whether it's okay or not, just ask her doctor if there's any reason that she can't take a probiotic or eat yogurt, etc.  I don't think they would charge for that.It's easy for someone in modern society to have imbalanced gut flora -- antibiotics, chlorine in drinking water, eating too much sugar and processed foods (like cereal), for example, can all reduce the populations of "good" gut bacteria.  Probiotics in capsules can be opened up and stirred into food, btw, so you wouldn't even have to get her to swallow pills.  If she's already good with probiotics, then I would look into other causes of constipation.But that's where I would start if I were you.  Don't assume that the adults know for sure how things should be.  Rather, consider that for anything she does, there will be a reason, and then observe and deduce until you figure out what the reason might be.  Then do some empirical testing of the theory.  It seems to me that you already hit on a pretty strong possibility, now you just need to test it.Good luck and If you want some help with food choices or more information, just let me know and I'll try to get you some useful links.

[Wesley]

I may be missing the obvious here, but have you ever asked her why she doesn't want to eat it?

 

If you know why you may be more likely to come up with solutions that can solve her problem.

[MysterionMuffles]

FFB: Alright thanks for the advice. I only DID start giving her a variety of options before preparing them. Like asking her "what would you like? These vegetables or some bread?" She pointed to the vegetables and she ate them when I negotiated that I would not go downstairs with her unless she had some first. Is that coaxing or proper negotation? I can't tell, but thanks, I will try to provide more variety like a hands on menu for her to see if she even WANTS to eat. Otherwise she would turn away from all foods and communicate she's not down to eat to begin with. As for fiber to help with the constipation what are some good foods for that? I have bran cereal, but that's about it. Brown bread? What else that isn't a grain?

 

luminescent: They've brought her to doctors many times. First they gave my cousin suppositories and it worked the one and only time they used it, but I don't think it's right to stick stuff up a baby's butt...I don't know if I believe in the myth that babies JUST so happen to have colon problems and it's normal for them to get constipated because their bodies are getting used to new foods. I don't buy it, but that's what my cousin says. However, if she is right, then I dunno why she isn't researching her own solutions rather than wasting hours whining and worrying about her daughter and taking her to so many doctors that don't do much for her. If they give advice, they may not be following it, though the doctors did one prescribe a laxative that got her pooing every day. I wonder if it was healthy to keep giving it once she got a healthy bowel movement. There is much for me to learn about...the gross innards of a human being and thanks for helping me consider my own research. She gets plenty of yogurt drinks when she's brought to my house, so I'll try harder to get her to drink them and even eat yogurt which she finishes in a snap.

 

Wesley: I don't like being too hard on her parents, but sometimes it's just so easy because they fail...like...A LOT as parents and individuals lol. But let's not get into that here. And the reason I raise that caveat is because I suspect they force feed her sometimes. Her dad suggested it to me that I just "shove the food in her mouth" if she's not eating, "sometimes eventually she'll start taking it afterwards without you having to." Even still I don't like that concept...it just feels innately wrong to do. I prefer keeping the spoon at a distance and see if she will take the bite voluntarily, and some of the time she does. Other than developing a bad relationship to food because of the force feeding, I suspect her constipation doesn't allow much room for new food til she's MADE the room.

 

I look forward to more feedback and I'll work on implementing the stuff you guys have given me here so far. Thanks again!

[ribuck]

If she's constipated, the first thing to do is to make sure she always has a water readily available to drink whenever she wants to. Not as in "oh, we could get a glass and fill it up if you're thirsty", but "the glass is always on the table, ready for her to drink from".

 

Force feeding is never a good idea. It always has the opposite effect to the desired one. It associates eating with negative vibes.

 

Young children will never voluntarily starve, so there's no need to ever apply pressure or even encouragement. That might sound surprising, but encouragement just makes eating be about you getting your way, rather than about her enjoying her food.

 

Instead, have healthy and delicious food always available, that she can eat anytime she chooses to, without permission. I don't know her age, but assuming she's old enough to eat for herself you could leave a fruit bowl on the kitchen table with bananas, apples, strawberries etc that she can help herself to any time she likes.

 

At lunchtime, try this technique. Put a communal plate in the middle of the table. Prepare all the food (for you and her) and put it onto that plate. Make the sizes small and convenient. For example, cut sandwiches into quarters. Make everything finger-food-size or bite-size. Then start eating, taking pieces of food for yourself one by one from the communal plate as you eat them. Make it obvious that you find the food enjoyable and satisfying, but don't make a big deal of it. Don't pressure her by saying things like "mmm, these really are delicious, you should eat some too". And don't worry if she doesn't eat anything. She won't starve if she doesn't eat any the first time, or even the second time. But by the third time, she'll happily eat some.

 

Children are much more likely to eat things that they have helped to make. Let her help whenever you're preparing meals. Trust her to do all the dangerous stuff like using the same sharp knives to cut stuff as you do, assuming she's older than two or three.

 

Goof around with your food. Play with it! Make face shapes with the food on your plate. Stretch the melted cheese into long strings before you dangle it into your mouth. Make waves and waterfalls with your soup, and put some bread in it to make a "beach". Let her play with her food however she wants. The first time she may not eat any, but by the second time it's likely that some will reach her mouth. Have some "crazy straws" set on the table, and use yours to suck up your soup (make sure the soup is cool enough first). She will probably do the same.

 

For dessert, why not make jello? Ask her what color you should make. Ask her what you should put into it. Usually one would only put fruit into it, but don't worry if she suggests weird things (like tomatoes or cheese or bread). Just put in anything edible that she suggests, then when dessert time comes you can have great fun with her by excavating all the added items. Have an empty bowl in front of each of you, and a serving spoon in the bowl of jello. Serve yourself some, then leave the serving spoon in the bowl with the handle facing her, as you tuck in to your own portion with enjoyment.

 

If there has previously been a negative connotation with food, she may at first be reluctant to "lose face" by changing her ingrained behavior. You could find an excuse to leave the meal table for a while. Say something like "I'm just going to check the letterbox. I don't mind if some of this disappears while I'm gone". This tells her that some can safely "disappear" without you saying that she ate it. So if some has disappeared when you get back, just carry on as if everything is normal. Don't say something like "congratulations, I'm glad you managed to eat some".

 

Always remember, the object is to let her eat whatever she feels the need to eat. The object is not to "win" a battle of the wits by making the other person "lose".

[Wesley]

Wesley: I don't like being too hard on her parents, but sometimes it's just so easy because they fail...like...A LOT as parents and individuals lol. But let's not get into that here. And the reason I raise that caveat is because I suspect they force feed her sometimes. Her dad suggested it to me that I just "shove the food in her mouth" if she's not eating, "sometimes eventually she'll start taking it afterwards without you having to." Even still I don't like that concept...it just feels innately wrong to do. I prefer keeping the spoon at a distance and see if she will take the bite voluntarily, and some of the time she does. Other than developing a bad relationship to food because of the force feeding, I suspect her constipation doesn't allow much room for new food til she's MADE the room.

I don't mean to be annoying, but I don't think you answered my question. If I am being dense and just missed it, I would be plenty happy for you to point it out to me.

 

I may be missing the obvious here, but have you ever asked her why she doesn't want to eat it?

[FreedomFanBoy]

Everything Ribuck said is golden. 

[MysterionMuffles]

Ribuck: oh man even encouragement eh? No wonder even THAT felt awkward to try...because it just wasn't genuine. It was trying to fulfill my own needs. Thanks for confirming that feeling. That's some pretty good stuff, never even thought of involving her in spreading her own bread spread. She did seem more interested in the vegetables when I picked her up and showed her the pot I was boiling them in. I will try all that. Making faces out of the food or any other form of art and make it all playable stuff lol. It's gonna be hard because I live in a family that complains that she's playing with her food, but I'm all like "c'mon...she's a baby. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?" Notw to extend that,  will encourage her to do so if it means she's more likely to eat. THANKS MAN!

 

Wesley: oh sorry, that was a long and vague message that had nothing to do with your question. Just venting some frustration. She doesn't know how to speak to that extent. Like she can't explain why she doesn't want to eat. The most she can do is say short sentences with less than 3 words like "where are you?" "there you are?" but never the explanation of her state of being. She can't even say YES to when I ask her "are you pooing?" WHILE she is pooing.

[ribuck]

It's gonna be hard because I live in a family that complains that she's playing with her food...

 

Lots of families have a problem about children playing with food. It probably originated in times of famine when food couldn't be wasted. But playing is the main way a small child discovers stuff and learns things.

 

Heh, that reminds me of a farming family that had a rule "Never play with your food - until it's killed, cooked, and on your plate". Because if the children got too friendly with Sally the Lamb or Percy the Pig, it became awkward to turn Sally into lamb chops and Percy into bacon.

 

Anyway, do let us know how it turns out.

[FreedomFanBoy]

Your niece sounds a lot like my daughter in respect to her language skills. How old? 2?

[MysterionMuffles]

Yep! 

LOL ribuck, yeah I can see a problem with that. It would be like the episode Lisa Simpson turned vegetarian.