Elias Posted October 21, 2013 Posted October 21, 2013 I'm in college and I'm seeing this very sweet girl, that's unfortunately (for both herself and for me) hooked on the sorority life of excessive drinking, partying and even drug abuse. I have only known her for a short period of time, so our relationship is not that serious yet, but I would like it to be if she could straighten herself out. She has self-esteem issues and it seems like she is constantly afraid of being rejected because of her issues. So she has a history of resorting to casual sex and rejecting commitment preemptively just to avoid the risk of being dumped first. She finds a life without alcohol and drugs appealing (she hates drinking), but she's afraid of what's going to happen with her relationship with her sorority friends if she abandons even parts of this destructive lifestyle. She also seems a lot more comfortable expressing attachment when she is drunk, but gets really reluctant whenever we speak of commitment. Should I intervene? If so, how!? Should I leave her and let her figure it out herself? oh and she has some daddy issues (I THINK the daddy might be absent) and I think she feels like her mother is not really proud of who she is and her accomplishments..
Wesley Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 The first questions to ask are always of yourself. Why are you with her?
Emanuel Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Ditto what Wesley said. Why are you attracted to someone who went through terrible trauma and escapes it with dissociative activities and relationships?
Elias Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 Ok, well she is kind, she is an atheist which is a pretty fundamental thing that we have in common (a coincident that's not very common down in the American south), she is attractive and she thinks the same things about me. Though this would be the third time in a row that I have found myself in a relationship where I feel like my significant other views me almost as a role model. One was an athlete whose dad coached her since she was a kid where their relationship was very one-sided and authoritarian from his part, the other one never met her dad and had a step-dad who the mother married only for financial security, and now I'm dating this girl.. It's as if these people have grown up with bad male role models, which I guess they feel like I make up for as a "good and caring" male role model. I don't know why it is that I am drawn to them though. Any thoughts? thanks guys! You're already helping me out with great approaches to this!!
Wesley Posted October 22, 2013 Posted October 22, 2013 Ok, well she is kind, she is an atheist which is a pretty fundamental thing that we have in common (a coincident that's not very common down in the American south), she is attractive and she thinks the same things about me. So you are with her because she is atheist and attractive? The attractive part is kind of axiomatic that you are in a romantic relationship with someone you are attracted to and is attracted to you. Thus is seems that the only thing besides attractiveness is she is an atheist. I don't mean to state the obvious, but atheists/agnostics/no religion who doesn't care about the idea of God isn't so rare that it is a reason to date someone. Thus, I still do not understand why you are with her.
Elias Posted October 22, 2013 Author Posted October 22, 2013 I meant to hint to the fact that we are the same kind of thinkers. I asked her "what do you like to think about on long drives" and from that sprung a conversation about atheism. Just like most relationships in its infancy, ours also started out as a "crush" meaning it's hard to explain why we want to see each other all the time, but we do in fact give up both time and money just to see each other. I don't drink, I don't do drugs or anything like that, so when she broke these news to me I was of course disappointed and what I would like to know is if there is a way to help encourage her to get her life under control - she is clearly uncomfortable with her lifestyle, but I think she might need help getting out + I want her to get out of it too.
Panoptic Posted October 23, 2013 Posted October 23, 2013 I meant to hint to the fact that we are the same kind of thinkers. I asked her "what do you like to think about on long drives" and from that sprung a conversation about atheism. Just like most relationships in its infancy, ours also started out as a "crush" meaning it's hard to explain why we want to see each other all the time, but we do in fact give up both time and money just to see each other. I don't drink, I don't do drugs or anything like that, so when she broke these news to me I was of course disappointed and what I would like to know is if there is a way to help encourage her to get her life under control - she is clearly uncomfortable with her lifestyle, but I think she might need help getting out + I want her to get out of it too. I can sympathize with being with a girl who you end up realizing has a lot of emotional problems, and you end up wanting to help out, it happened with me. I think you really need to think about why you really ended up with this girl in the first place. What were your psychological reasons? Did you just see her one day and think that she is physically attractive and decide to go up and talk to her because of that? Be 100% honest. When I was finally 100% honest with myself about my previous issue of not knowing if I wanted to be a certain major in college, I learned more about myself in 3 days than I ever have, and it helped me an enormous amount. I really don't believe in "crushes". They tend to be a matter of physical attraction and have no bearing on the value of the relationship. But let's ignore that and look at helping her out. First of all, the can be no value in the relationship where there is no communication/compromise. There can be no communication if somebody is not telling the full truth. Communication means explaining your emotions and how you feel to the other person. Nobody is perfect, and we will all have problems to work through in our relationships. But if one of the people simply cannot even contemplate ending a horrible lifestyle, then that is not somebody I would want to be with. I can see helping her out as friends, but I think that issues like that are best left entirely out of romantic relationships. Some people are just not ready for change, and change doesn't happen too quickly either when they are ready. I am not trying to dishearten you. I would like you to see if you have gotten yourself into a mess and get out if you have. I know you feel bad for people like that, but if they are not ready for change then there is not much you can do. As a matter of fact, leaving might make the greatest impact on how she thinks about it. You have to be strong about it. If you are going to help her, I think the best thing to do is to sit down with her and ask her questions like we are. Why do you feel the need to impress people? Why do you want to stay friends with people who you cannot even tell that you hate drinking? What kind of problems did you have at home? What kind of problems did you have with your parents growing up?
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