Rethinking Radical Unschooling

[Rayne]

http://thelivingfreeproject.com/time-to-rethink-radical-unschooling/

 

This article really spoke to me.  It is really fricking hard to parent a high-energy toddler while worrying constantly about being authoritarian.  I don't hit or yell at my child but I do force him to buckle his seatbelt and brush his teeth.  And I beat myself up over it!

 

Here are some excerpts from the article:

 

 

I see a philosophy geared towards confusing parents and shaming them into debating the supposedly authoritarian and difficult decision involved in asking your child to brush his teeth.   Seriously.    Any philosophy that has you beating yourself with guilt and confusion because you asked your child to clean up his room,  is not serving you OR your child.

 

Unschooling simply is living life without school....It didn’t mean UnEducation and it did not assume to have some enlightening monopoly on proper parenting.  It simply meant living life as if school did not exist.   The schooling system was the problem, not the parents or brushing teeth for that matter.

 

parents are crying in emails and forums over-analyzing with guilt whether or not it is “authoritarian” of them to tell her child to please get in the car because it’s time to buy groceries.

 

Radical Unschooling is so “Radical” that if a child at age 6, 10, etc.. wants to go to school, what does Radical Unschooling and their gurus say? well mom and dad, hurry up and enroll them, because you see… the 6 year old child knows what is best for him, not YOU and if you think you do, mom and dad, YOU are “authoritarian” and imposing  your views on the child.  ( scratching head )  Okay, by that rationale then, didn’t the parent impose Unschooling on their family too?  The 3 year old in the family certainly didn’t choose it.  The “authoritarian” parent did.   But I guess as long as the parent chooses all things Unschooling and more specifically, Radical Unschooling and adopts all it’s rules ( and yes there are rules ), than that’s not the parent imposing their belief on the child.  This, ladies and gentlemen,  is what happens when you turn a simple and helpful idea and turn it into a dogma.

 

not only is it hard to stomach seeing the same speakers who preach about “respect” and “freedom” for children,  treating adults worse than you would treat a dog, it is also just plain confusing and hypocritical to me.

 

they....lure you in with the rainbows and talk about the joy in their home and how wonderful things are! and you walk away feeling all warm and fuzzy.. until it all blows up later when you realize it was just a pretty box with nothing inside.  It had the right words on the wrapper though, “Freedom! Joy! Respect! Trust! Love!”  It’s called marketing 101.

 

When is this madness going to stop?  When will these Gurus start taking some responsibility over what they are doing to parents and to the sacred bond and trust between child and parent?

 

I have never heard of a grown adult child resenting his mother and father over being made to brush his teeth or told to shower.   Have you?  Let’s be real.  This is not what sends adults to therapy mom and dad.  You are not “imposing your agenda”.   Your agenda IS to be their full and present parent, completely aware of every need they have.  Even the ones they are unaware of.   And you know why you worry about too much TV?  or free reign of sweets?  or free access to the computer? Because you are good parent and you know instinctively, that it isn’t healthy. 

 

You understand that freedom  is more than just the freedom to watch TV all day or not do math.  Freedom demands so much more than that.     Freedom demands thought, discernment, character, reasoning, self-knowing.  Don’t abdicate that gift and responsibility to anyone and for anything.   Least of all for a Parenting Philosophy.

[st434u]

The author seems to me like they are full of hate for themselves and for children. Now I see why they dislike Dayna Martin so much.

 

All radical unschooling says is, children are people. If your wife doesn't brush her teeth, do you grab her by the arm, drag her to the bathroom and shove a toothbrush in her mouth? No. You talk to her. You explain why it's important for her health, as well as for your wanting to be close to her. You negotiate and explain the problems this is causing. Then she will want to brush her teeth. What do you think would happen if you did shove the toothbrush in her mouth? She probably wouldn't have very warm feelings for you anymore.

 

With children, it's the same. It seems to me that the author just liked the idea of unschooling without a set method of education, but they don't seem to have a problem with using force against children. They don't understand the massive psychological damage that this does. And they are completely wrong, many children absolutely DO have traumas associated with being forced to shower and brush their teeth instead of being provided an explanation as to why these things are important. It's why so many adults don't do it as often as they should! Because as children they felt their feelings were negated and their needs crushed for the benefit of the parent. So they associated doing these things with fulfilling somebody else's desire and not their own.

 

Just because something is healthy or desirable for your kid to do, doesn't mean you have to threaten them with violence or arbritrary punishments if they don't comply. Yes, violence is easier and quicker. But down the line you're not saving yourself any troubles. Much the opposite in fact. And you're not helping them become healthy individuals, emotionally or physically.

[Rayne]

This article is from Laurette Lynn's website.   It is a source for libertarian parents.

 

Forcing your 2 year old to have their teeth brushed is not threatening violence.

 

Parenting is not so black and white.

[Rayne]

I think the author is not Dayna Martin bashing as much as she is expressing concern for the dogmatic black and white thinking of Radical Unschooling.

 

Now this person is Dayna Martin bashing:

 

http://ramblingsofamagickalhousewife.blogspot.com/2013/08/do-you-still-believe-in-dayna-martin.html

[Ruben Zandstra]

I can relate to the self-abuse over parenting issues. I've pretty much stopped reading articles like this, maybe because of what I essentially perceive as to be some pretty bad-vibes all around. 

It's just a thought, but my tendency to self-attack was there before I had any children.

Now that I have children, it's going to be about my parenting for sure.

It's real origins probably don't have a lot to do with them.

 

The best books on parenting I've read are PET by Gordon, and Unconditional Parenting by Kohn.

Beyond that, if I feel like beating myself up it is either because I am not acting on my principles and need to change behaviour and apologise, or it's because I am confusing my children with someone else and need to do self-work. 

[ccuthbert]

I rethought "radical unschooling" every day of my life for the past 23 years. Although it has been difficult at times, I attribute that to the fact that life in general is difficult. I would like to address two issues mentioned in the snippets above--hope it doesn't seem tangential.

 

On the nuts and bolts level of every day life and getting children to do such things as brush teeth... When parents and children live their lives together v. living parallel lives, there are fewer problems such as this. What I mean by "live their lives together" is going about their daily routine together. Here's something radical for you: when our children were little, we bathed together. I didn't choose this consciously, just sort of evolved first with my daughter. I would get in the shower in the morning and the next thing I knew, there she was wanting in, so I let her in. I'd finish my shower, then plug the drain, fill the tub and the two of us would be in the tub together for a few minutes, then I'd get out and dress in the bathroom and we'd talk until she was done playing. Later, when my son came along, the three of us got in the tub together. After a few years, they stopped showing up at the shower. We always got ready for bed together and brushed our teeth together. I don't remember ever telling them to brush their teeth, forget about fighting over such things. They knew it was something they just did--like breathing. We also never had fights about bedtime because we didn't have a children's bedtime. We all went to bed together and read aloud till we fell asleep. If you are truly sharing your lives, not living parallel lives, your children do what you do mostly when you do it because that is what they know. It doesn't usually occur to them to do anything differently. This extends to things other than personal habits. For example, I took music lesson when our children were young and brought them with me. They grew up thinking that that is what people do, and always took music lessons until they had to pursue their careers--for our daughter it was college, for my son it was full time work. Ok, yes, their rooms are disaster areas, look like a nuke went off in there. I simply close the door. Frankly, that's their prob, not mine. I just can't understand fighting over this kind of stuff unless it's a control issue. Life is just too short...

 

A very important skill in managing life with children (anyone, really) is picking your battles, a skill UNHEARD of among most mothers, imho. If you are such a control freak that you bark orders about everything all day long, you will be roundly ignored and rightly so. If you save your "suggestions" for the times that count, your children will listen and follow your advice. I made the conscious decision to yell only at danger, real danger, and my children always responded to my tone of voice immediately. Also, I remember (with a lot of emotion) being yell at for misbehaving in public as a child and feeling humiliated and vowed never to do that. What I did instead was whispered in my son's ear, "Knock it off," when he was acting like a knucklehead. Used judiciously, this works like a charm.

 

The more important comment that you snipped above is about making decisions on major issues such as education. This is completely different from the day-to-day, how do I get them to do xyz problems. Our view was that moral issues should be discussed with our children from a very young age, we would explain our reasoning and when they were adults they needed to do their own moral reasoning and make their own choices. But while they live under our roof important, moral choices are made by us because of our role as parents who have the responsibility, the knowledge and (one hopes) the wisdom to choose. They must follow until they are independent. So, for example, will the children go to compulsory school? Absolutely not, no way, no how, because school, particularly gov't school is pure evil. (Voluntary schools such as college are another matter...) That decision cannot be made by a child who will want to be like everyone else and is easily swayed by his "friends." When he moves out, if he wants to go to school, by all means. But under my roof it ain't happening.

 

The keys were effectively explaining the nature of parental responsibility, and showing our children that we do have the knowledge and wisdom to make decisions for them by the quality of the actions that we take every day of our lives. We are their role models, we have to act like it. Is this hard? You bet, but life is hard. Is it force? No, because we have persuaded them through reason and our actions that we have the moral authority to make family decisions. There has been only one area of disagreement on moral choices in our house, kind of interesting. I've said that I will not allow sleep overs by members of the opposite sex. My daughter thinks I'm a dinosaur. My son says, "It's your house, Mom, you make the rules." Both abide by my rule without argument. ;-)

 

On the whole and despite my many failings, failures and mistakes, I am very happy we unschooled our lives and if I had it to do all over again, I'd do the same

[st434u]

That sounds great ccuthbert, congratulations on the hard work and raising a happy and healthy family!

 

I absolutely do not think you're a dinosaur, I think your rule is very wise. I would've thought differently when I was younger and less wise myself. And it's nice your son understands

 

I was wondering, how old were your kids when you stopped sleeping in the same room as them, or did you stay with them until they fell asleep and then went to your room/carried them to theirs? And if you all slept in the same room, how did you manage issues with privacy, such as being alone with your husband?

[Ruben Zandstra]

Coincidence! Our youngest daughter ( 4,5)  has been taking to her own room the last couple of nights. She's been sleeping in a crib at the foot of our bed up until now, usually sneaking in with us in the early morning.

I miss her a little bit, which is all useful preparation for the big goodbye when she eventually leaves the house I guess.

 

We've had no major privacy problems: secret rendez-vous' in the guest room.

[MysterionMuffles]

I think the author is not Dayna Martin bashing as much as she is expressing concern for the dogmatic black and white thinking of Radical Unschooling.

 

Now this person is Dayna Martin bashing:

 

http://ramblingsofamagickalhousewife.blogspot.com/2013/08/do-you-still-believe-in-dayna-martin.html

that article is so poorly written that it can't even be taken with an ounce of seriousness

ccuthbert that's really touching to read. I am glad that all your efforts aren't really efforts at all. You're just simply modelling the right behaviour by acting accordingly to your ingrained habits. I love the reading aloud thing, that could work wonders for children's development in reading and reasoning. Especially if you're awake after a book you can discuss what happened in it.

[ccuthbert]

st434u

Just like Ruben Z, rendez vous in the spare bedroom solved the privacy prob. We had a family bed. Both children left at the age of... dare I say it??? 11. I had a Japanese friend who said he slept in his parents' bed until the age of 7 and I was flabbergasted at the time. ;-)

 

Muffles,

We read aloud at least 2 hours a day and often 4 or 5. We didn't have a TV and the children didin't have open access to computers until about age 12. Reading aloud was our entertainment. I wrote an article called "12 Reasons to Read Aloud to Your Children," if you're interested...