Culain Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Hello FDR, it's a tough question for me to ask especially now in my life but I am unsure of how to go about it. Last month I quit a job where I had worked for over 8 years, this was due to the stress from trying to appeal to authority, I couldn't bear the thought of working a retail job where judgmental people in my life (parents, peers from school) would see and recognize me working a low skill job. I couldn't say the truth to any of my work peers and merely told them "that retail jobs suck." I told them that I would be a writer, and over the time of a month I did actually produced a novel which is in the publication process, however the costs were high for this and I will not make 'any' profit. I am in the process of writing another novel, I doubt I'll profit much from it. I am burdened down from a previous school debt (which i dropped out because of poor stress management, I actually dropped out of post secondary 4 times). I also, have not had a single friend in my life where I connect with. 26 years old, never even had a single date before (I believe that I am handsome, I am not ugly or repulsive). My parents and siblings are out of the question. In the last 5 months I think I have left my house once or twice to socialize with others, nobody calls or offers to visit me, I feel like I have to force myself on others to simply "talk". --- From here I need to quickly identify, understand, and choose my options carefully. I have enough funds to survive a few months. I can either continue with my writing in hopes of barely staying afloat. Or I can try to find another part time job, but deal with the possibility of my mind falling in paranoia again and slowly save up so 4-5 months down the line I could afford therapy.
kalmia Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Therapy is for people who have money. I wish I could afford it. I am sure that if I could have afforded it years ago, I would have plenty of money to afford it now as I would be far more productive. I've just accepted that I can't and have focused on books and podcasts to help me with it. Supposedly you can negotiate deals with some therapists. If you have strong enough negotiation skills, try that. Although if you did, you would be making plenty of money and also able to afford therapy. It's such a vicious circle that spirals into many wasted years.
Ruben Zandstra Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Why did you choose to end your 8-year job at this precise moment?
Culain Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Ruben, I had been contemplating quitting for years. Everyday I would come in and work and talk about how much I didn't like the job to the employees. I kept doing that until just had one particularity bad day which i used as an excuse to hate on retail and quit.
_LiveFree_ Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Culain, there is a lot to deal with here. First off, you're 26. Do you live at home? And whether you live at home or not, what are your relationships like with your immediate family?
Culain Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 I've been living on my own for 4 years now. I've left my family. This is from a few years ago. http://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/30924-tis-the-holiday-season-the-santa-is-here-with-guilt-to-give/
Ruben Zandstra Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 Culain, that's a horrible story man. All my sympathies. What is it that you would hope to get out of therapy?
Culain Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 I don't know exactly. But... I know that i have a LOT of unprocessed anger, I have misogynistic tendencies/thoughts, and I have sudden mood swings towards extreme depression and suicide. one of the other reasons that i quit my retail job was that i was constantly swarmed with people around me all the time asking me for things; and so I'd always give. I would see couples in all the time and that wold remind that I alone, I would see families and it would remind me of my abusive family. I find that being around large groups of people makes me feel mentally vulnerable. The city I live in has a lot of bars/clubs, I don't drink, and I find clubs deplorable. They are the primary sources of entertainment for people that I meet and so I don't partake in them which has placed a hurdle on my social life. Low income jobs are full of so many self-defeating people, I have my inabilities so I'm not excused but it's hard to find people locally that are not so openly abusive to themselves. When I finally get into social situations, I never get invited to someones house for a one-to-one friendly connection, I'm just on the mailing list for large events. I quickly find that I become detached because i can't connect with these people amidst their sloth and either soon leave or just crash.
Ruben Zandstra Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 So, at least for some part, seeking therapy would be about how to deal with the lack of intimacy in your life. Your other ambition: retreating at home and write for a living, what is most appealing to you about this idea?
SteveHein Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 hi culain i just wrote this post about therapy...maybe it will help you a bit. http://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/37517-a-general-problem-with-therapy-and-therapists/ also i offer my site as a resource. id like ur feedback on it. eqi.org id be willing to correspond with you for a while at least to see if we can help each other somehow. no money exchanged. i can relate to a lot of what you said. steve
Culain Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Ruben, after thinking about it for awhile one of the most appealing aspects of working from home is the ability to connect to the internet, I am simply addicted. I have a set of about 10 websites which i just recycle and refresh constantly. If I post a comment on youtube or on a message board I will refresh the page every 10-30 minutes over the course of the day because I am very conscious of the replies from others. When I'm out at work I simply wonder about what is happening on the websites I frequent. Despite working at a retail job with many other employees it is incredibly rare for me to socialize with them because they don't connect with me, I try to work constantly to make the time go by faster while others take smoke breaks every hour and 30-50 minute regular breaks. Their abuse of breaks builds up the work load which I pick up, we can jest about them taking long breaks, but I never go to management because I am worried about their opinions of me; despite them never actually associating with me. This environment just makes me sick. Steve, I'll spend some time on that website. I have been regularly depressed my whole life, I remember that when i started highschool was when it really started to hit me and I would commonly get suicidal urges, even to this day I am still battling against suicidal tendencies. I am fortunate though to have never adopted the use of alcohol at any point of my life (though I succumb to peer pressure during the odd times I get invited to parties), though about 3 months ago I started using Marijuana because I felt that it gave me a more positive outlook, I've been clean though for one week. I have never taken any other drugs. I feel the main cause of all my depression has been a lack of emotional support over my life. Feel free to send me messages wherever is easiest for you, I've been frequenting the chat much more as of recent.
SteveHein Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 hi c - (can i call u c?) --- i have an idea.. what if we mostly talk right here and then others can benefit from out convo?
Culain Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 I have no problems in regard to privacy, I think privacy has led to much of my painful learning experiences.
SteveHein Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 ok well, how do u want to go about this then? do u want me to ask u questions? make suggestions? or do u want to read up on my stuff from my site and ask me questions about that or about other stuff?
Culain Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 Feel free to ask me questions. I looked at the emotionally needy/abusive mothers page, http://eqi.org/enm1.htm In a nutshell: When my mother gets into a conversation, it's like she's fighting a battle rather than trying to understand. She denies or does not bring any error to her part, completely invalidating my position, her case is the only case that exists in the 'argument'. She acts in this stance of, I LOVE YOU, we ALL LOVE YOU, you're hurting people by isolating. Never does she bring up my emotional needs or listen, she only wants me to return to the family to fix herself. In the last 2 years since, I have not spoken to her. I have accepted that she can never accept weakness herself out of some deluded sense of proper motherhood. She will never say sorry or bring any responsibility to herself. The link I posted above, is of my last conversation's with her.
SteveHein Posted October 30, 2013 Posted October 30, 2013 ok - i just read the post you made from a couple years. ago...my partner said it is a wonder you havent gone insane. that is quite a lot of shit to have gone thru. i told my partner it makes my mother look like a wonderful person. my gf agreed and said same for her mother. honestly id say u are doing well just to be not locked up somewhere, not addicted to drugs or something. the internet is probably one of the healther addictions i guess but still i feel a little worried cuz my partner got carpal tunnel or some kind of repetitive strain injury.and it is way worse than we ever imagined. it has been about 9 months since she basically stopped using the computer with her hands and they arent a bit better. so please read up on carpal tunnel etc it seems the best thing u can do is *prevent* it - by breaks and stretching - but it seems nearly impossible to get rid of. also, id say u dont have to write a novel... if u just write the truth about ur life it would be a valuable contribution to humanity. whether ud make enough money to live idk. but id say a crappy part time job to support ur writing/recovery is an ok enough idea. id personally feel better if u were planning to get away from ur town - i have travelled heaps and it helped me become myself. i didnt have to worry about the opinions of others while travelling cuz i was gonna be leaving them soon anyhow. i highly highly highly recommend travelling to anyone basically. ur still young enough to meet pple in hostels for example, - u ever stayed in one? have u heard of couchsurfing? it has gotten very commericial and cheezy but still it is a good concept. also do u know about lulu and createspace for your writing? we did a book on lulu - our letters from the unloved book. someone told me recently createspace is better. ok thats it for now i guess. plz keep reading my site. and keep reading up on abuse, emotional support etc. u sound pretty aware. id say there is hope for u. also, if ud like, try going thru the emotional needs on this link eqi.org/needs.htm and tell me here how u stand on each one in general. if u want also go thru them and tell me which ones ur mother didnt fill. im guessing she pretty much didnt fill hardly any more than about 3 on a scale of zero to ten. can i send u a hug? sounds like u dont get any.... when was the last time u got a real one? i think they are the best form of emotional support. s
Culain Posted October 30, 2013 Author Posted October 30, 2013 id personally feel better if u were planning to get away from ur town. I've only ever lived in 2 cities. Newmarket and Barrie, both in Ontario Canada. I moved every other year in Barrie though, my parents had this idea that houses were an investment and would raise in value, every time they moved they grew closer and closer to debt. The moving also meant it was difficult to develop a solid foundation for friends. The furthest we had ever been on a vacation is Prince Edward island on the east shore of Canada. Though i never had any freedom to do what i wanted on these vacations. I have lived in Barrie for the last 15 years. Moving is scary for me, I keep thinking that I need a lot of resources. I don't have a passport, or even my birth certificate. I've been really interested as of late in Jeff Berwick's Acupolco Mexico, but I've never been able to make the plunge because of fear in an unknown environment... though I guess now I don't have much to lose. also do u know about lulu and createspace for your writing? we did a book on lulu - our letters from the unloved book. someone told me recently createspace is better. I'm considering it for my next novel if I ever finish. also, if ud like, try going thru the emotional needs on this link eqi.org/needs.htm and tell me here how u stand on each one in general. A lot of them seem to be saying much of the same thing. But I'll elaborate on a bit more of my childhood and the difference between my parents. Both of my fathers, never acknowledged any of my strengths, my real father was critical of everything I did, I can;t recall a single suggestion for life I had ever received from him. My Stepfather pretty much invalidated my existence, he had his son, I was the kid who was falling behind and so he gave me physical labour, i would do all the cleaning for a house of 6 (mowing lawn, shoveling snow, dishes, sweeping, etc.) Later in life when I had my first retail job, after dropping out of school, he and my older brother tried to push me into the Military, I was fortunate enough at the time to refuse. I believe that if he asked me a few years earlier i would of accepted, I had this idea as a teenager that I could be this emotionless killer, a tool. My mother... always had this, "you can do anything" attitude towards me regardless of whether I could or could not. This created a well where I actually did not know what I was good at, I consider myself to have one of the worst singing voices in mankind, but my mother would tell me that I could be on these idol shows. She never really knew what I was actually good at. She would even tell me all the time that I would become rich, then I could 'get' a beautiful actress as a wife. It was never "find a virtuous woman". She never placed any realistic expectations in me. So while I 'received' a lot, I was never able to process any of it. can i send u a hug? sounds like u dont get any.... when was the last time u got a real one? i think they are the best form of emotional support. The only hugs I had ever received were from basic greetings or from lap dancing strippers.
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