Cornellius Posted October 29, 2013 Posted October 29, 2013 "The Social Network (2010) is The Shining (1980) for the youth of today." The post was written during a rather manic all-nighter. In the end, it was a very maladjusted liberation of my intellect. I went to sleep, and upon waking up four hours later, drowsy, I was pulling my hair out, thinking what the hell kind of mess is that I just wrote. I saw that manic episode as an unconscious, unstoppable self-intoxication. I felt insane. I rushed to delete the post and put into a total quarantine the imput of my emotions into my conscience, because of how they ruled over me during the evening where I wrote the Social Network post. "It's like reality split open. Anything can happen." -Through a Glass Darkly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ULTblYOxa4 I suffered from an unfathomable pessimism and distaste of my actual self. I told myself I was slipping into a seizure-like mental breakdown. In sleep was my hope for a reset button. It was the dizzy heights of a hole under the rug I had just pulled in the red pill moment of writing the post. And I think that's what made the manic episode so painful at the time. I just thought I was going to fall back down. I just thought that the supercomputer of my unconscious mind would go Skynet on me and nuke itself out of existence. But was it just my sister? My mother? My father? The grip of the family? Well, that may well have been the most powerful instance of my family living inside my head, inhibiting my individuation. Like Truman crashing his boat into the edge of the Sea Haven dome after a life in limbo. Where's the damn door?! Any views on what the source of the problem might be would be appreciated. Am I going insane, or individuating at long last?
DaisyAnarchist Posted October 31, 2013 Posted October 31, 2013 Your writing is so vivid and lively for someone who may be wishing for death due to the amount of suffering. I feel kinda numb reading your post. I am familiar with this kind of inner struggle, especially when trying to sleep- trying to let go of the conscious mind for a little while. "I just want peace of mind right now." Maybe the intensity is larger for you than it has been for me. I don't know. For me, it is nauseating. Too much to worry about. So much fear. I don't want to recall that, which I think is why I feel numb now. But in a way, I feel so much for you right now. I am so sorry that your pain has been so enormous. I think the source of your "problem" may be that you are fighting the emotions coming up? I say this with a question mark because I am making a guess based on my experiences, and what a friend (Lens) from fdr has described to me about manic episodes at night. What comes up for me is a feeling of terror. It is anxiety. What I try to do in this situation is, instead of viewing it as something to fight against, view it as something to permit. I want to be welcoming with my emotions, not hostile. You can ask yourself, "What is the feeling right now? What does me as a child feel? Does my pain feel "bottomless" right now? Was there no hope for escape for me as a child?" You don't have to have answers right away, either. You can just ask those questions. You said you wrote a post that you felt a strong urge to erase. You are feeling shame. Maybe you can ask what happened to you when you expressed yourself in the past. It sounds like your family stifled you and did not value your individuality. They could have been the ones that gave you that shame. Certainly public schooling would contribute to that as well. Your individuality seems to be arising in the way you write, and there could be a strong feeling in you that desperately wants to get out. Could be anger that you haven't released. You asked about individuating, which I think anger will actually help you do. From what I'm learning about self work, being treated unfairly in childhood SHOULD produce anger. Do you feel the shaming of you was unfair? Do you let yourself become angry? Maybe I am off. How do you feel about some of the questions I've posed?
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