People who don't want to have children

[kalmia]

A caller in a recent show reminded me of a topic that I would like to see further explored on this show. That is people who don't want to have children. It seems to make sense that they would considering that people are genetically motivated. I have wondered why they don't. I have some guesses. I assume they have never seen parents who enjoyed parenting, particularly their own did not enjoy it. This is more of a result of my conversations with people I know who do not want to have them. A woman I am seeing said that she never had the urge to have them. She added that there is this view of childhood as being idyllic and carefree but it isn't, and she would not want to put anyone through that.

[Sashajade]

  I chose to avoid having children so far because I have not been stable and neither have the partners i've had. Although I do have the desire to have a child, I've been putting that aside

because I thought about the child's future well being. I was sure that going on welfare or giving away my potential child was not something I was willing to do just because

I have a maternal instinct and/or other people want me to or think I should. Since many people succumb to pressures from peers, family, propoganda from church, state, media, culture,

they don't think things thru very carefully, if at all. I'm not sure why people think it's weird for a woman not to want to have kids. There's probably an equal amount of men who became

fathers who otherwise didn't choose to or want to. The only reason women get shamed is that we have more choice in the matter. As far as birth control, or terminating a pregnancy.

That's probably one big reason. I guess people want to assume that its just not normal to think ahead or what's in the parent and the future childs best interest. Oops! is where its at if

u don't want to be unpopular, especially if you are a woman. lol!

[ThatAtheistPlace]

I guess not wanting to have kids can be genetic like not liking your same sex, but ultimately, amongst friends I know who choose not to have children, it's due to the idea of "bringing a child into this horrible world", or "I don't feel like I would be the perfect parent", or "I waited too long, so why try now?".

 

I have even heard people say that it's selfish to have children. I beg to differ.   To voluntarily give up so much time, attention and resources isn't selfish (unless you're doing so specifically for a return).  I absolutely can not wait to have children!  (In the figurative sense....)  I just can't wait to meet them.

[Mike Fleming]

It is true that I never saw a happy family situation (including, especially my own) when I was young (0-18) and that influenced my desire never to have children when I was younger (in my 20's).    As well, I thought about it logically and asked the question how do you even be a good parent?  How can you if you've never seen examples of good parenting?  All I ever saw was people fucking up their children.   Maybe I would have turned out differently, because I would have asked questions, but I didn't have confidence in that. 

 

When you start to get a bit older you start to do the math on what age you will be when the child/children are a certain age, etc.  I know Stef did it at 40 or so but that never seemed appealing to me either.  If I wasn't a dad by 40, the idea was completely off the table.  There's no need to have children.  I think society pressures you because of the biological drive on one hand and the need to procreate and keep society going on the other hand from the past where there was much death in society.  

 

I can't imagine that kids would have made my life happy when I didn't have philosophy and therapy to sort out my issues.   Having kids doesn't magically fix things in your life.

 

One gripe I've always had about society is this "having kids will make someone responsible or happy" or whatever.   Would we say to someone who doesn't want a dog that they should get a dog?  How do we imagine that might turn out?  I remember someone who was in a bad marriage and people told her, "you should have kids".  Well, she did have a child.  2 years later she was in a very, messy expensive divorce, which I predicted at the time, and all the people saying she should have kids and congratulating her on her pregnancy were nowhere to be seen.

 

Have my experiences soured me against kids?  Yes.  But I think I have valid reasons as well not to have had them.

[PatrickC]

I didn't want children for a long time and it's only been through therapy that I managed to work out why. My brother became a father 3 days after his 16th birthday. He then proceeded to have two more within the next 3 years. Basically I saw him struggling to put food on the table. Not surprising really at 16 years old, it's hardly like you can command a reasonable income. This left me with the impression that child rearing was just a drudgery I would never want to endure.

 

Of course there was my own childhood to consider in all this, which certainly took a part in my thinking. But overwhelmingly watching my brother just go from struggle to struggle throughout his childrens lives, left me quite cold about becoming a parent. I now feel differently of course and welcome the day they when they finally come into my life.

[Guest Exceptionalist]

It is like asking, "Why don't you take your money and play a high-roller game in Vegas." Stef  just found out, that the staff of his casino of choice is nutty and his odds were high to win the jackpot, so he went for gold.

 

For me it was like to be pulled to an amusement park and be forced to enjoy myself.

[Sashajade]

  I would say that my bad childhood, and other negative things I observed with other people and their children most definitly influenced my decisions also.

I often saw how other parents I knew struggled and seemed to have like a love/hate relationship with their kids. I was very concerned that I could

become a parent like my mom and before understanding my own hitler that developed as a result of child abuse/neglect. I'am almost certain

that even if unintentional, that i would have projected my issues onto them. That is just not fair to them. Thanks for sharing your inputs with me guys.

[JasonL]

I don't see this topic as being too different from any other in that everyone has their own justification for their choices.

 

Speaking for myself, I was fortunate to have been raised by wonderful parents and am very close to my sister as well. As long as I can remember I was very independent and fortunately I grew up in an environment where I was allowed to ask questions without having the "because I said" statement given as justification for something as so many of my friends did. Nobody has it perfect but I couldn't really ask for a better immediate family and I don't know anyone who I'd trade families for so that should say a lot.

 

I always assumed I would get married eventually and have kids. Once I reached my mid 30's that began to change as I have never been married and to be completely honest, I have thought about it once but never moved past the consider it stage. Many talk about the bad things that set up how you interact with others but I suspect seeing my mother and father have a good relationship has set a bar that means I won't have kids. It's not going to be easy anyway so I can't imagine having kids without that kind of relationship being there first. I have zero desire to be with someone who I don't really enjoy spending time with and have respect for.

 

Now nearing 40, I just can't see it as a likely occurrence that I'll meet someone and have the time in the relationship to be sure about it enough to marry and then have kids. Sure, having kids at 45 is done but being 65 when your kid is in college isn't exactly easy either. Add in the fact that my work requires a lot of travel so a child would mean changing that to allow me to be close to home, the financial aspect, what friend/family support structure would we have close access to if raising a child? So many things to consider.

 

When someone asks and I say I am not planning to have kids, there is usually shock and some people find it weird but I see how most people raise their kids and that is what I find weird. Why have kids if you're going to throw them in daycare and not spend time with them? Why have kids with someone you don't truly love and trust? There is pressure to conform without any examination of the variables. This chaos even enters the dating aspect since most women in my age range already have kids, are a serial dater or are in biological clock count down. Never married - check, educated - check, owns a home - check, earns a reasonable living - check and so on. While I have not completely ruled out the possibility, there isn't much probability.

 

An additional factor is the unknown. My sister and brother in law have a daughter who is autistic so that is an extra challenge and they decided to stop at one because even with two good parents and my parents being close as extra support, when your 5 year old barely talks and while smart is considered non verbal, it isn't easy to communicate effectively. The number of children born autistic increases every year with 1 in 50 being the most recent stat.

 

Speaking for me, I feel you're assuming too much in your initial statement. My opinion is that seeing it done well with two incredible parents and knowing some of the challenges makes me far less likely to rush into being a parent.

[PatrickC]

Yes, you make some fair points Jason. Of course the economic situation doesn't help, wherein people are often hemmed into a particular place geographically. London I feel is no place to bring up a child, but it is where I'm stuck, for now at least.

 

Attempting to loosen those economic ties can be a slow and methodical process. It's not impossible of course, but when I take in all the valuable things that I have done in the past 5-6 years, my economic situation has been the last thing on that list. Not to mention the relationship hunt, which is altogether quite a different challenge the older you get.I think if you look after your health and fitness I'm not sure it would be impossible to have children post 45. 65 these days is a very different prospect than it was for our grandparents I think. However, I agree that it's not ideal and have had to accept that fatherhood may never come my way. Having said that, I do strive forward with that goal in mind, as one distinct possibility amongst many more that I hope to achieve.

[tasmlab]

Can it be as simple as being a preference?    It's easy to run into somebody who doesn't like beer or the beach or Woody Allen movies and we just write it off as different strokes for different folks, not necessarily a flaw.

 

For my own taste, having kids has been bonkers awesome.  It's a lot of fun and a lot of work.  My three are my best friends and it's crazy to think that they might not have existed.   My situation was too easy as well (I make good money, I work at home, my wife is full time mommy, stable loving marriage of 15 years and counting)

 

I guess not wanting kids or not choosing to for certain reasons is fine, but I tend to feel sorry for people who decided to not have them for reasons such as it would've changed their identity or they didn't want them to experience this world (as if there was another) or it would've wrecked their career or other reasons that would spark regret.  

 

It's such a big beautiful part of life to skip.