Can't get out of the fog?

[Nicolas Ouellette]

Hello, my name is Nicolas, and i'm new in the forums. I have a lot i want to talk about but i'll try to focus on my feelings for this post.

I was introduced to philosophy and RTR by a very good friend of mine about half a year ago and i'm not afraid to say my life is not the same at all since then.

I've read books on psychotherapy, childhood traumas, self-esteem and a whole lot of Stefan's books too, and i've put a lot of what i've read into practice in my life and i've changed my ways of thinking, i see things more critically, i require myself to analyze situations - be they emotional or physical - empirically and logically and i'm really seeing the fruits of my labor (and the book's authors labor) coming to being  .

But when i look in my past, i can remember lots about my childhood, mostly moments where i felt total anguish and sadness where i was abused by my parents and i have a REAL hard time processing this today, i see my friends grieving for their past losses and feeling the repressed feelings, but i can't seem to get to it. I can understand totally what has happened to me and them, i just have difficulty feeling what has long been repressed. I remember being right out yelled at or spanked for things i've done that sure, were irritating my parents and i understand that under NO reason should a child ever be hit or abused in any way but if i think about talking about that to them in the present day, i feel that they will still deny me and my feelings by assembling excuses to their actions, and then something in my head tells me i shouldn't worry about that kind of stuff or that i'm just over thinking it all. Sometimes i also feel guilt for things rather simple i've done or said as a child or to other people recently... I also remember being a total asshole to my brother my whole youth, and today i feel like i was trying to do him all that was done to me by my parents, or all what i felt by my parents, i forced myself to make him feel... At this point, i'd just like to talk this out with my parents and brother, i think my sibling would understand because he is following the same new path as i am, but for my parents... i can't be sure and i really don't want to feel anymore of those past wicked feelings...

I am going to talk about this to my closest friends, as i know they are the most honest people i know and i will also listen and look on the forum for help on processing all of this and understanding it.

I am deeply open to all past experiences from other members and how they dealt with it, it might bring me some insight on my situation which i would love, but i don't know what to do and really, i'd love it if someone would talk to me...

[LanceD]

It sounds like you need counseling. A good counselor will be able to talk you through your guilt from past actions as well as help you better process your "past wicked feelings" and decide if a confrontation with your parents would actually benefit you. Stefan has a podcast dedicated to how to find a good counselor somewhere in the archives, it was mentioned in the most recent call in show. So I would first track down that podcast, listen to it and invest in getting some help.

 

In my own personal life I have had two separate experiences with parental confrontations, my parents divorced and grew in different directions so 1 on 1 discussions with them resulted in two entirely different experiences.  My father was very receptive and expressed his own feelings of guilt and regret while my mother just gets angry whenever her parenting style is questioned. In reflection, while the confrontation with my father was overall a positive experience and has allowed us to continue to have a good, positive relationship. I don't feel any confrontation with my mother is worth the pain caused, absolutely no good will ever come of it and all that will come of it is hurt. 

 

So before any confrontation with your parents I would suggest you act them out in your head. If you just go with your instincts you should be able to predict their reactions rather well, after all children are excellent emulators of their parents! If you feel that the discussions may go well and could possibly open the door to true reconciliation then maybe an actual talk with your parents would be worth while, but if you don't then you may need to simply cut them out of your life and move forward without them. 

 

One last thing I forgot to address, you mention a desire to discuss what happened to you guys with your sibling. I would think this is a great idea, it will allow you both to process your experiences together and give you an opportunity to reconcile with him and make up for your past behavior that you feel was wrong.