My father asks and I answer (feedback welcome)

[Jiminy Vishnu]

So last night I got this short email from my father.."We haven't heard from you in weeks, nor have we've seen you since July4th. What's going on with you? Are you avoiding us for some reason"?  Here is my first crack at a response I'm satisfied with. Feedback and suggestions welcome and appreciated.

 

 

 

Dad, I don't visit and come out because there's no interest or curiosity and respect between anyone. There hasn't been for decades, if ever. Family is not earned simply because you are born into a tribe of people who share the same biology.

 Its about knowing the details of  peoples lives better then they themselves and loving them for it. Its about listening to others and asking follow up questions to hear the sometimes hidden meaning in what people say. 

The fact is our immediate family has never valued or practised in any substantial way to one another the kind of open minded and open hearted engagement that makes family's actually strong. You can't possibly not know this.

 

That being said, having an adult relationship with you and Mom would be fantastic,but it is only going to come from both of you showing me your interested in and doing the hard personal work that takes ; that step  might be going to therapy to work on your own accountability and integrity and healing, which I'm doing currently as difficult and rewarding as it has been these 8 months now.  It might also come from both of you respectfully  giving me the room I need to sort out my head and heart and life, without expecting me to play nice or be diplomatic about any of these feelings or to show up to holiday's I don't believe in or care about.

 

 

[Bradford26]

I'm sad to hear about your experience with your family. I have some ideas. I hope they help.

 

Have you recently made a concious decision to withdraw communication with your family? Why? Does your father's email change something?

 

One pitfall that I am concerned about is that you share a number of conclusions. For example: "there's no interest or curiosity and respect between anyone." I'm worried that your father could say, "Yes there is." and the conversation would be derailed right away. Instead, it could be more effective to express that you feel you are ignored and disrespected. It is much more difficult to dismiss a person's feelings, and in this way, you may be able to make a better connection in the conversation.

 

I believe the first step is to communicate your feelings. I'm afraid that if you communicate expectations before they understand your feelings, then they may interpret them as demands.

[Think Free]

This email feels like an attack. By making broad, vague accusations, you prevent them from being able to take responsibility. I agree with Bardford26 that it would be better to mention specific behaviors and how they make you feel. Don't list everything that annoys you--just the stuff that keeps you from even wanting to see them. Describe what kind of changes, environment, behavior, or activities would make you want to see them.

 

Also, and this isn't necessarily advice for the email, make sure that you take responsibility for getting what you want. It kind of sounds in this email like you have an ideal for what family should be like, but that you blame the rest of your family for not implementing your personal ideal. But, in reality, you have the power to negotiate what your relationships are like, and what you've negotiated is all you really have the right to expect from them. Relationaly, if you have something to offer them that they want, find out what they have that you want, just like you would in your other relationships.

[Carl Green]

Great advice Bradford.

 

Jiminy check out podcasts 184,185, and 192.  Make sure you're thinking of what your parents are feeling as well as telling them of your feelings.

[Zava]

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

 

I agree with Bradford26, about sounding too conclusive. 

 

I really like the part where you say, “having an adult relationship with you and Mom would be fantastic, but it is only going to come from both of you showing me you’re interested in and doing the hard personal work that takes; that step might be going to therapy to work on your own accountability and integrity and healing”

 

It shows you’re open-minded, warm, reasonable.

 

The only thing that concerns me is that it may sound like you are kind of expecting them to read your mind, to automatically know what you’re talking about. Is that because you have already exhausted RTRing with them?

 

For example when you say, “to hear the sometimes hidden meaning in what people say” could be misinterpreted. If something is hidden, it is not seeable. I know what you are saying of course, but dealing with someone who obviously hasn’t been attentive in the past may again act inattentive, shutdown and/or attack in retaliation when you point it out. So, being as clear as possible is extremely important. You can express your unhappiness firmly yet gently, without accusation.

 

Also, “There hasn't been for decades, if ever.” The ‘if ever’ part sounds like you are uncertain. There’s nothing wrong with uncertainty but you are writing this letter because you *are* certain of at least something; that the relationship is unsatisfying to you. Maybe that’s what you should just focus on, expressing that as best as possible, very gently and clearly. The RTR book is great for that.

 

Carl posted some FDR podcasts which I’ll check out too.  There are so many helpful FDR podcasts. Of course the wisdom within them is helpful but the emotional delivery, the sympathy in them can be stirring and helpful in their own way as well. 

[Guest Exceptionalist]

Adult relationship? What is that about? A relationship among adults or a overblown expression of disdain concerning the past, descriptive or pejorative?

[Jiminy Vishnu]

Thank you all for the feedback and suggestions.  I really do appreciate it. 

 

 Bradford26, I agree that expressing feeling ignored and disrespected is a better way to go then conclusive statements ...." if you communicate expectations before they understand your feelings, then they may interpret them as demands". Thank you for the reminder.

 

Think Free , .."what you've negotiated is all you really have the right to expect from them." ugh, that's a truth brick on the nuts, innit?

 

 Carl Bartelt thank you for the specific podcast #'s

 

,Zava your point about "certainty/uncertainty" is taken. I am certain and that was just more service to filling out more words in a sentence then actual feeling. The feeling is certain.

 

 

Finally, I have not sent the above version of the letter. What I did do was tell my father I do have things going on "under the surface" and would be happy to tell him about it at Thanksgiving in person. He wrote back that he and my mother are going away to my sisters but "very concerned" and that I should just "come out to the house" some other time. 

 

This is going to be really uncomfortable but something I've waited 37 years to address. 

 

JV

 

 

Undelution1982,  "adult relationship" is general and misleading. What I meant to say was "loving, respectful, non manipulative and fallacy free relationship between me and my folks."

[LovePrevails]

I'm sad to hear about the situation with your family, I would recommend you express your feelings about the things you said in the letter rather than just send it factual/business-like 

 

this is the only way to know if he says "I had no idea you felt this way, can we talk more"

or if he sort of says you have no right to be upset etc. etc.. etc.