Frienemy Apology on Facebook

[MysterionMuffles]

So I got this Facebook message last week...

 

 

 

How you been man? Hope you're doing good old friend. im sure you probably did not want to hear from me....but i just felt like i owe you an over due apology for well, everything. Either way, take it which ever way. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and that i been doing a lot of thinking and i hope you're ok. sorry for re opening this and doing this to you. I mean no harm. Sorry again.

 

This is from a friend who I actually had to defriend TWICE to remove permanently from my life. For these reasons: 

• Always cracked jokes at my expense at a personal level
• Even more so around others
• Shamed me for my musical preferences
• Dismissed any of my philosophical conversations; particularly about violence being learned and NOT human nature, as well as a talk I couldn't even get started on about masturbation draining your energy because I just kept getting interrupted
• Even though he inspired me to pick up the guitar and we were even in a band together twice, when we weren't, he'd always put me down for trying to improve new skills
• And on our last conversation over the phone, and after having ignored his calls and texts for a few months, tried to force me into being his friend again *
• He told me that I just can't unfriend someone for a certain way that I feel when I'm around him
• I concluded that yes I can because around other people I don't feel constantly scrutinized, nor do I ever feel the need to have to lie to get him off my back about aspects of my life
• He's a pure mysognist who likes going for women who already have boyfriends
• Or a track record of sexual promiscuity that set him into a jealousy spiral, like he would be with a girl and other guys would be texting her, that would drive him up the wall

The only positive I could see in our so called friendship was the fact that he was the only drummer who knows my songs inside out, especially with their odd time signatures (but I'm sure I can find better ones if I try), we have a long history, we have a platitude of inside jokes that were a work out to laugh at. I dunno what else...I've spent so much time focussing on his negatives so I didn't feel compelled to let him back in my life, therefore it's tough to come up with any positives. Perhaps there aren't anymore than that, that run deeper so I've made the right choice.

 

*Our last conversation on the phone was earlier this year, maybe January I think? He would make claims to know me more than I know my self, that I'm stuck up and can't do this. He was actually saying that it was arrogant and heartless for me to say that "we've outgrown each other as friends and I think it's time we just move on with our lives," when I really meant it. He mocked me for having mentioned that I've journalled about our friendship and examined it that way.

 

I said "you have two choices: either accept we can't be friends anymore, or take the time and ask yourself...that if you were me? Would you even want to be friends with someone who's treated me the way you have?"

 

Without hesitation he said, "yes!" When I meant for this phone conversation to end right there so he can DO that...

 

And most importantly, I was actually almost agreeing to meeting up with him by saying "okay fine if you have time this week maybe we can talk in person. This could be the last time ever, or the first time ever on a refreshed and renewed friendship." Then he started whining that I can't do this to him because we've known each other for soooo long, and I just kept going on and on about how he can't play the time card and that it's irrelevant.

 

How did that phone call end? Well he told me that I was impossible and hung on me. A few minutes later he called back just to tell me that "if I ever see you again I would shove my **** so far down your throat that it's not even funny." *click*

 

What should I do?

 

I feel like I already know the answer to this; which is just block him on Facebook and continue moving on. 

 

Yet a part of me wants to feel satisfied that he has suffered without my friendship, and that this apology for "everything" can be defined in more detail. This part of me, not knowing what it is, still wants to keep him away, but more at bay. Almost like I want him to apologize even more profusely and let me know what he's "been thinking."

 

Your thoughts?

[_LiveFree_]

There is no intimacy here. No friendship. You don't even exist for him. He's playing out his dysfunction on you, just like he does with all of those girls. You already have the answer. Why waste anymore energy on this? People don't "owe" apologies, explanations, or whatever. They either give or don't. 

 

This part of you that wants to keep this situation going....don't act on it, but do explore it. Find out why it wants you to remain attached to people who need to manage their emotions by using you, and vice versa. 

[Zava]

I totally agree with Nathan. His apology is a tiny paragraph, sent via FB. It doesn't demonstrate any understanding for what he's apologizing for: He simply wants you back in his life and is offhandedly doing the bare minimum for it. He should have been the one listing the problems that you list here, on his own without any assistance. Until that happens I would just ignore it and in the meantime look at it as further proof that you made the right decision in freeing yourself from such an abusive person.

[MysterionMuffles]

Hmm...that part of me wants to remain attached because it feels like I can hold power over him. I can send any tiny passive aggressive message like "define 'everything,'" or, "you're right, I didn't want to hear from you," or to an even lesser extent a simple "go fornicate yourself" wants to be said. I already know that I don't want anything to do with him and do not see him in my future life, but that part of me is vengeful...it wants to just get at him "one more time," like the night he brought those women over. I felt in control and powerful to be yelling at him over the phone later at night, telling him how disappointed I was in him. I got him to cry over the phone, but...I made such a poor choice and forgave him only a few days later. 

 

That part of me regrets forgiving, and wishes to have held him in my power during that time. I don't know why though. I already know how unhealthy it is to have someone around just to abuse, especially because they've abused me. I'll think more on this, thank you guys. I really should explore why I feel the inclination to start a fight instead of just letting my silence speak for itself. I already knew his apology was weak and un specific hence the "define 'everything'" approach. It would kind of like using philosophical questioning but for unjust means. I don't want to understand him, but I want him to spill his beans in a way where he feels pressured to.

[LovePrevails]

If part of you wants to explore what happens then your safest bet is, make a list like you've made of conditions which the friendship resides on

you are willing to talk to him on the condition that

- he doesn't make jokes at your expense (especially in front of other people)

- he builds you up and encourages you when it comes to the guitar or pursue anything in life, not brings you down and makes you feel bad about trying

etc.

 

he might turn round and attack you and then you at least know for sure it was not worth pursuing

or he may go, fine man I can do that - and be good for a while and slip into his old ways

or you may be making him aware for the first time in his life that that kind of relationship even exists

 

I'm not saying you should pursue this but it's definitely a prerequisite to trying to be friends with this person if that's what you decide you want to do

[MysterionMuffles]

I've done some thinking...and I've concluded that he's a bit of a reminder of my father. He really set a bad template for my relationships with men in that it's always one way. He was a screamer, and even though this friend of mine never screamed at me, it was always passive aggressive dismissals of things I found important to me. They're both sexist, unenlightened, and most importantly find people's genuine experiences of them as inconvenient to them. Furthermore, my dad also likes to try and humiliate me in front of the family. Like when I get into spats with my grandmother, I feel really guilty about them, but my dad has no problem telling other family members that she and I have had disputes like it's something to laugh at. I would then yell at him to shut up and tell him it's not funny, and all of a sudden he acts all surprised that I'm angry, and says that I just shouldn't be angry. I tell him he's embarassing me, and he says no he doesn't. Much like this friend of mine, he shifts the onus on my sensitivity because he and my father both lack it...HORRIBLY!

 

That part of me, I figured, is my wounded inner child. He wants to manipulate and abuse my dad through this friend by using philosophy in a way to crush him. To ask things such as "define 'everything'" but of course at that point it's no longer philosophical, rather abuse disguised as philosophy if that makes sense. I feel so superior to them because I'm on the path of self knowledge and honesty, while they are stuck in their narrow minded, sexist and insensitive ways. I already feel a wave of shame for elevating myself above them, but after spending so many years feeling like I was the one below them for not having a thicker skin, I think it's justified. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

My desire to respond to him is also a test to see how much more effort he wants to put. Either way it goes, I do not want to renew my friendship with him. I can just block him and be on my way, but I'm starting to see the waste of energy I'll be putting in even if I send my short messages that would prompt him to be more elaborate with his apology. I want to laugh and scorn at HIS feelings now either way it happens. If he becomes more genuine (which I still doubt) then I can scoff at him and be all like "too late for that now, isn't it?!" If he remains unempathetic then it's just "aha! See, you're full of crap!"

 

Thanks for your input guys. I'm just gonna go back to having him blocked. This desire to fight him this way wouldn't be a good use of my time unless someone can tell me otherwise.

[_LiveFree_]

Morse, 

 

you're still keeping your foot in both camps (virtue, and fulfilling unmet emotional needs).

 

Get off the goddamn fence and be done with it.

 

Nathan 

[MysterionMuffles]

Wow flat out and simple. Thanks Nathan.

[_LiveFree_]

Anytime, Morse. I got your back dude.