aFireInside Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 My whole life my mom put others priorities above mine. This caused me to have anxiety and fear of asking others for help . I push myself but it is very hard, I might look ok on the outside but I'm dying on the inside . I have been labeled shy but what does shy really mean ? Its just a label. In reality it is fear. How can I overcome this feeling ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hqc Posted November 15, 2013 Share Posted November 15, 2013 I'm very sorry she did that to you, and that you struggle with shyness/fear now.And yes it is very hard.I think you did the first steps to overcome it. My congratulations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aFireInside Posted November 15, 2013 Author Share Posted November 15, 2013 WesleyWell I could ask you a few things or point out things I noticed Ivan AresOk Note: I mean ask in real life not online. Wesley what is different between online and real life? Ivan AresIts personal, i can see the person . Here i tend not to personalize the people i talk to Allthough sometimes i do feel very anxious on phone calls 9:10 AM WesleyWhy is being personal a problem? Ivan AresI start thinking to myself i don't want to bother this person they might not have time Im not with it and i over think this so much I would rather avoid it I remember my mother always made me feel like others peoples needs are more important than mine so it stuck to me like a curse WesleyWho is other people? Ivan AresMy aunt, uncle, neighbor kids, strangers, waiters, other kids, etc... she did this to all her kids I guess i felt equal with my siblings WesleyWas that one of her needs/desires? Ivan AresShe had a desire to please others in spite of her kids because kids are like property so she can sacrifice her property I think thats how she thinks 9:15 AM WesleySo it wasn't actually to satisfy the needs of others, but for her own desires Ivan AresI think so I never looked at it that way WesleySo it wasn't other people. It was her needs were superior to yours Ivan AresYeah, for social status or a feeling idk really WesleyWhat do you not know? Ivan AresI don't know what was her satisfaction out of this WesleyI think you do Ivan AresDid she do it for social statues ? or was she just following some cultural thing ? WesleyI don't know, but I guarantee you know everything about her you spent years with her Ivan AresTo tell you the truth i thought she was just ignorant and though i was property I felt like property I want to move out because of this She told me .... 9:20 AM WesleyI don't think she was ignorant, but she easily could have viewed you as property Ivan AresYou have no right to complain or have feeling this was a couple moths ago Im 21 WesleyYou still live with her? Ivan AresYes I got depressed after that And i haven't soke to her since WesleyWhat would happen to you if you asked for help? Ivan AresIdk? to tell you the truth... I don't think she will kick me out because that would look bad towards her WesleyI mean as a kid what happened when you had emotion or if you can't remember, what did you fear would happen? Ivan AresShe would have gotten embarrassed and gotten mad at me ... maybe hit me I don't think it would have changed anything but it would have got her mad at me because the people around me have no virtue WesleySo you decided to shut up, for fear of anger, assault, disapproval? Ivan AresYes 9:25 AM WesleyYou live in an environment where you do not ask for help, because feeling emotion and asking for help leads to attack. It sounds to me like you not asking for help is incredibly helpful Like I do not put down my shield when the bear is still in the cave and could see me at any moment Ivan AresI remember knowing that she didn't care for me from a young age... maybe not as clear with less eloquence and that i was shy for a reason because of her Yes, so as long as i live with the bear I would have my shield up WesleyAs long as the threat is still there, the shield is incredibly helpful and will protect you Ivan AresI never thought about it like that Wesleyremove the threat Ivan AresI use to think that since I'm older the shield should go down Wesleyby talking or leaving or whatever Ivan Aresbut obviously it is still her here Wesleythen ask why you have a shield up Ivan AresThe shield is still up because she is still the same once i stopped talking to her she trys to be nice to me but she still cares about others more WesleyBut you do not think the threat is gone still Ivan AresIm living with a bear and I'm wondering why i have a shield . how stupid of me 9:30 AM Wesleywell no, she cares about here need to look good for others *her its not stupid becoming a bear to attack yourself isn't going to help the shield is heavy and prevents people from getting close to you eventually, you will want to lower it once you feel safe Ivan AresYeah, i think that the way to put it down is to move away because its like living with a husband that beats me WesleyThat part is up to you. Obviously a therapist would be really helpful in the transition. There is a lot of emotional work around moving out and learning to lower the shield Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cynicist Posted November 19, 2013 Share Posted November 19, 2013 She had a desire to please others in spite of her kids because kids are like property so she can sacrifice her property My own mother is like this. It's because when we were younger we had no choice but to listen to her while others can just ignore her or leave if she becomes abusive. We've been trained to be afraid and our natural feelings and assertiveness were constantly opposed. I think the conversation you had with Wesley is insightful. Keep in mind that even though you feel afraid just like before, things really are different now. You're an adult, which doesn't mean you have to do anything at all, but it does mean that you have possibilities that didn't exist when you were a child. You can stand up for yourself and take care of yourself and you couldn't do that before. Pushing yourself will make it harder, try to show yourself the patience and gentleness you never received when you were young. It's ok to make mistakes and fuck up, because if someone turns their back on you it doesn't mean the end of your life like it used to with your mom. Remember there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, you were just badly taught and that is a problem can that be solved (I think you are right in rejecting that 'shy' label, people that use it are just telling you that they would rather not use their minds to think because labeling you quiet is easier) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovePrevails Posted November 20, 2013 Share Posted November 20, 2013 Ives how would you describe the friendships you have in your life? do you have any friends you consider close? do you tend to see many at once or hang out with friends one-to-one? how much time do you spend in the company of others? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aFireInside Posted November 23, 2013 Author Share Posted November 23, 2013 I don't really have friend-ships anymore. They fell out of my life like the leaves on trees during fall. My old "friends" just used me. They where one way relationships i just give but i don't receive . I have a good relation ship with my younger sister. She is 20 and I'm 21. I can talk to her about anything, we talk about topics like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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