Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Posted

My whole life my mom put others priorities above mine. 

 

This caused me to have anxiety and fear of asking others for help . 

I push myself but it is very hard, I might look ok on the outside but I'm dying on the inside .

 

 

I have been labeled shy but what does shy really mean ? 

Its just a label. In reality it is fear. 

 

How can I overcome this feeling ? 

Posted

I'm very sorry she did that to you, and that you struggle with shyness/fear now.And yes it is very hard.I think you did the first steps to overcome it. My congratulations. 

Posted
  • Wesley
    Well I could ask you a few things or point out things I noticed
  • Ivan Ares
    Ok
  •  
    Note: I mean ask in real life not online.
  • Wesley what is different between online and real life?
  • Ivan Ares
    Its personal, i can see the person . Here i tend not to personalize the people i talk to
  •  
    Allthough sometimes i do feel very anxious on phone calls
  • 9:10 AM
  • Wesley
    Why is being personal a problem?
  • Ivan Ares
    I start thinking to myself i don't want to bother this person
  •  
    they might not have time
  •  
    Im not with it
  •  
    and i over think this so much
  •  
    I would rather avoid it
  •  
    I remember my mother always made me feel like others peoples needs are more important than mine so it stuck to me like a curse
  • Wesley
    Who is other people?
  • Ivan Ares
    My aunt, uncle, neighbor kids, strangers, waiters, other kids,
  •  
    etc...
  •  
    she did this to all her kids
  •  
    I guess i felt equal with my siblings
  • Wesley
    Was that one of her needs/desires?
  • Ivan Ares
    She had a desire to please others
  •  
    in spite of her kids
  •  
    because kids are like property so she can sacrifice her property
  •  
    I think thats how she thinks
  • 9:15 AM
  • Wesley
    So it wasn't actually to satisfy the needs of others, but for her own desires
  • Ivan Ares
    I think
  •  
    so
  •  
    I never looked at it that way
  • Wesley
    So it wasn't other people. It was her needs were superior to yours
  • Ivan Ares
    Yeah, for social status or a feeling idk really
  • Wesley
    What do you not know?
  • Ivan Ares
    I don't know what was her satisfaction out of this
  • Wesley
    I think you do
  • Ivan Ares
    Did she do it for social statues ?
  •  
    or was she just following some cultural thing ?
  • Wesley
    I don't know, but I guarantee you know everything about her
  •  
    you spent years with her
  • Ivan Ares
    To tell you the truth i thought she was just ignorant and though i was property
  •  
    I felt like property
  •  
    I want to move out because of this
  •  
    She told me ....
  • 9:20 AM
  • Wesley
    I don't think she was ignorant, but she easily could have viewed you as property
  • Ivan Ares
    You have no right to complain or have feeling
  •  
    this was a couple moths ago
  •  
    Im 21
  • Wesley
    You still live with her?
  • Ivan Ares
    Yes
  •  
    I got depressed after that
  •  
    And i haven't soke to her since
  • Wesley
    What would happen to you if you asked for help?
  • Ivan Ares
    Idk? to tell you the truth... I don't think she will kick me out
  •  
    because that would look bad
  •  
    towards her
  • Wesley
    I mean as a kid
  •  
    what happened when you had emotion
  •  
    or if you can't remember, what did you fear would happen?
  • Ivan Ares
    She would have gotten embarrassed and gotten mad at me ... maybe hit me
  •  
    I don't think it would have changed anything but it would have got her mad at me
  •  
    because the people around me have no virtue
  • Wesley
    So you decided to shut up, for fear of anger, assault, disapproval?
  • Ivan Ares
    Yes
  • 9:25 AM
  • Wesley
    You live in an environment where you do not ask for help, because feeling emotion and asking for help leads to attack. It sounds to me like you not asking for help is incredibly helpful
  •  
    Like I do not put down my shield when the bear is still in the cave and could see me at any moment
  • Ivan Ares
    I remember knowing that she didn't care for me from a young age... maybe not as clear with less eloquence
  •  
    and that i was shy for a reason
  •  
    because of her
  •  
    Yes, so as long as i live with the bear
  •  
    I would have my shield up
  • Wesley
    As long as the threat is still there, the shield is incredibly helpful and will protect you
  • Ivan Ares
    I never thought about it like that
  • Wesley
    remove the threat
  • Ivan Ares
    I use to think that since I'm older the shield should go down
  • Wesley
    by talking or leaving or whatever
  • Ivan Ares
    but obviously it is still her
  •  
    here
  • Wesley
    then ask why you have a shield up
  • Ivan Ares
    The shield is still up because she is still the same
  •  
    once i stopped talking to her she trys to be nice to me
  •  
    but she still cares about others more
  • Wesley
    But you do not think the threat is gone still
  • Ivan Ares
    Im living with a bear and I'm wondering why i have a shield .
  •  
    how stupid of me
  • 9:30 AM
  • Wesley
    well no, she cares about here need to look good for others
  •  
    *her
  •  
    its not stupid
  •  
    becoming a bear to attack yourself isn't going to help
  •  
    the shield is heavy and prevents people from getting close to you
  •  
    eventually, you will want to lower it
  •  
    once you feel safe
  • Ivan Ares
    Yeah, i think that the way to put it down is to move away
  •  
    because its like living with a husband that beats me
  • Wesley
    That part is up to you. Obviously a therapist would be really helpful in the transition. There is a lot of emotional work around moving out
  •  
    and learning to lower the shield
Posted

 


  • She had a desire to please others
  •  
    in spite of her kids
 

because kids are like property so she can sacrifice her property

 

My own mother is like this. It's because when we were younger we had no choice but to listen to her while others can just ignore her or leave if she becomes abusive. We've been trained to be afraid and our natural feelings and assertiveness were constantly opposed. I think the conversation you had with Wesley is insightful. Keep in mind that even though you feel afraid just like before, things really are different now. You're an adult, which doesn't mean you have to do anything at all, but it does mean that you have possibilities that didn't exist when you were a child. You can stand up for yourself and take care of yourself and you couldn't do that before.

 

Pushing yourself will make it harder, try to show yourself the patience and gentleness you never received when you were young. It's ok to make mistakes and fuck up, because if someone turns their back on you it doesn't mean the end of your life like it used to with your mom. Remember there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, you were just badly taught and that is a problem can that be solved :)

 

(I think you are right in rejecting that 'shy' label, people that use it are just telling you that they would rather not use their minds to think because labeling you quiet is easier)

Posted

Ives how would you describe the friendships you have in your life?

 

do you have any friends you consider close? do you tend to see many at once or hang out with friends one-to-one?

 

how much time do you spend in the company of others?

Posted

I don't really have friend-ships anymore. They fell out of my life like the leaves on trees during fall.

My old "friends" just used me. They where one way relationships i just give but i don't receive . 

 

I have a good relation ship with my younger sister. She is 20 and I'm 21. I can talk to her about anything, we talk about topics like this. 

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.