My snippets (the inner voice)

[Slavik]

--The images from childhood set the stage, images of pain I brought onto others. 

When images arise from past like never ending haunting ghosts, I relive those incidents as if they were happening right now. 

I relive the events with every horrid detail, as if my mind is trying to punish me, as if its trying to tell me -"Look at what you have done you little evil spawn"

Every little detail makes me cringe, my chest spasms, hard to breathe, tears swell in my eyes and I burst out in agony, that manifests itself in quiet whimper.

 

 

I try to speak, I try to reason with tormentor that lives inside my mind:

--  "Please stop", I tell him

--  "Stop what?" He says, - "Im only here to show you what you have done"

--  "I know what I have done, but why torment me?" I reply

-- "YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CLAIM INJUSTICE, THE PUNISHMENT IS JUST" The voice thunders "How dare you even say such thing" -voice hisses

-- "But I was only a small child, I didnt know what I was doing" -I reply

--  "Why do you think that you being a child is of any difference to those you have hurt?" -voice replies with sarcasm.

--  "CAn you change anything?" The voice asks knowing that I cant

-- "You are right I cant"  -I say.

The voice withdraws back into darkness of my soul, knowing that he won the argument yet again for the hundredth time, pleased with himself, his belly bustlingly full of agony he fed on. 

A quiet calm swings over me, a neutral state.  The pain, voice took, the pleasure happiness is gone as well.  A calm neutrality of being

--  "Until next time" -The voice throws back at me, departing fully into the ocean of my soul....

[STer]

You might want to check out this thread, especially the video in the first post.

[cynicist]

I too have done wrong as a child. I didn't even know as I had repressed the memory; It came back as a sort of nightmare while I was lying awake in bed one night. It felt almost like someone else's memory, though I knew it was mine, because I could not reconcile what I saw with what I know now to be my nature. The rage I felt back then was frightening to me, and I could feel tears coming to my eyes as I asked myself how I could do such awful things. I accept my responsibility for my actions, but I also had to ask myself, where did I learn this behavior? Why did I choose to hurt rather than love? As children we learn by example, we can't speak languages we were never taught. If you are responsible for your actions as a child, then surely your parents deserve even more responsibility? If none of the criticism is aimed towards your parents, is that truly just? You certainly cannot change the past but that should not mean you are condemned to live in agony, not when that prevents you from the good you can do as an adult.

[Seleneccentric]

I'm so sorry, Slavik. Thank you for sharing this, though. I go through so many of the same things, and it's always good to know you're not alone. As Rilke says a "whole constellation" of things must go right for one person to advise another, but I say this because it helped me... if there is any way you can struggle against this power in you... do your best to not feed it. Even one morsel snatched away is a victory. Strive for that with everything you have.

 

I wish you luck, my friend.