Friends are annoyed at me

[Yeravos]

So, not feeling so high at the moment.

 

Just had a talk with a former friend, that had found out that I have spoken about her with other friends, concerning her and her future romantic relationships. I had expressed my opinion to my other friends, that I thought that this girl would have trouble getting into a romantic relationship, because I had gotten the impression  from being with her that she had a lot of emotional baggage. Anyways, me and this girl, agreed to only spend time with each other when we are in our social group, because she felt that it was wrong of me to judge her, and she felt that she could not trust me. She was really sad and angry with me, because her finding out what I had said had brought up tragic things from her past.

 

She also told me that some of my other friends are annoyed with me, for the reason that they think it is not right for me to judge their personal relationships. I think I know who they are.

 

I have contemplated this for a few months now. That I am too quick to judge, and that I shouldn't tell people what I think they are doing wrong, or that I disagree with their course of action. And I am starting to doubt myself, about judging the relationships of others. That I am doing something wrong. But, when I have been judging, I have always done it because I have felt that I have been trying to help my friends, from harming themselves in what could be bad relationships.

 

So yeah. Not feeling good at all right now. Mentally, I feel lonely. Physically, I feel sick to my stomach, breathing heavily and feeling like I have a cold.(freezing and feeling like I have a fever).

 

Have I been wrong to judge their relationships? Am I bad person?

 

I am ever grateful for anyones perspective.

[Kevin Beal]

Yeesh! That's a tough one. I'm sorry about that.

 

What is a judgment? I think a judgment is a conclusion you come to about some situation. I don't think that it's even possible to conclude something you don't genuinely believe about a situation (at least not without a severe psychological toll). The judgment is there whether or not you acknowledge it or voice it. Denying yourself your judgments is self erasure, suppression / repression and is to be lying to yourself.

 

The actual definitions of judgment come in two varieties:

 

"the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions"

and

"a misfortune or calamity viewed as a divine punishment"

 

I don't know you, but I think it's pretty obvious that your judgments are of the first kind.

 

I think that there is a reason that the two definitions are conflated sometimes, and that's because most people have a very difficult time dealing with criticism. They feel very uncomfortable and instead of blaming the situation, they blame the messenger, like it's you who is causing her distress and her problems with relationships are not problems. This seems to be the case here if she resents you for reminding her of tragedies in the past.

 

Whether or not you voice your opinion is a much more complicated question that I don't know how to answer. What I will say though is that I cannot for the life of me find any way of condemning someone for telling the truth, no matter how unpleasant. And if it's the judgment that is the "problem" and the judgment is reasonable considering the circumstances then what someone is essentially saying is that they have a problem with you telling the truth.

 

You feeling alone, self critical, sick and very doubtful is another issue, I think. 

 

It seems to me that there would be two reasons why this would be the case. The first is because you legitimately wronged someone or because you were wronged.

 

How is this third person who told her representing you? Are these people desiring of your honest opinion and feedback or only when it suits them?

 

For all I know it's some third option, but in any case what's the worst case scenario?

 

Something that I try and do a lot when I feel overwhelmed like this is to ask myself what the worst case scenario is and then see if my feelings match it. Often it is the case that the worst case scenario is never as bad as my overwhelm would have me believe, and realizing that offers me some relief.

 

Hopefully this is of some help.

 

Here are a couple of loosely related podcasts:

 

678 – Everything You Do Is...

http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_678_Everything_You_Do_Is.mp3

 

70 – How to control a human soul

http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/how_to_control_a_human_soul.mp3

 

356 – You Are Your Own Proof (Parts 1 & 2)

http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_356_You_Are_Your_Own_Proof.mp3

http://cdn.media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_357_You_Are_Your_Own_Proof_Part_2.mp3

[TheRobin]

It can't be about judgement itself, cause telling you that it's bad to judge them is itself a judgement, so your friends don't seem to have a problem with judging people in and of itself, but (as it seems from what you tell me) only when it shows their negativ behaviour. And with negative I don't mean evil or bad, but as it would seem, they act in a way that will harm themselves in the long run and anyone who actually cares about them would point that out to them and talk with them about it.

 

Also it depends of course on how you communicate your concerns. If you talk to them in an accusatory or authoritarian way I can get that they wouldn't like that. Also ofc, if you only talk to other people about your concerns but never openly to the people it actually concerns then that's not really helpful either and I could understand why your friends would find this annoying.

 

I don't know from what you wrote how exactly all that happened and what your motivation was for speaking out and for the reasons to whom you decided to speak out about these things of course, so feel free to add more and/or use this as a starting point to learn more about your motivations and reasons behind your actions.

 

I hope that was at least of some help

[Yeravos]

Thank you so much for your replies, I really appreciate it.

 

 

 

You feeling alone, self critical, sick and very doubtful is another issue, I think. 

 

It seems to me that there would be two reasons why this would be the case. The first is because you legitimately wronged someone or because you were wronged.

 

How is this third person who told her representing you? Are these people desiring of your honest opinion and feedback or only when it suits them?

 

I am not sure why I feel the way I feel. I believe that I was wrong in not bringing my conclusions to the girl in question, but I don't feel that I was wrong in thinking about the matter.

I think that me feeling sick is the fear that I might lose even more friends. I think it is relevant to add though, that I have since a few months back considered to not hang out with the girl who won't see me 1on1 anymore. She reminds me a lot of my mother (I've written a thread covering my mom a bit. In short, I hate her). We have on in the past (not my mom, but the girl), that we think about things in two veeeery different ways.

 

I once told one of the friends (one that told her about my opinion about her mental state), that I had concerns about her wellbeing from watching her interact with her boyfriend and others. I told her that I felt like she wanted to talk to me at times about difficult things, but that I felt something was stopping her. Her reply was essentially that yes, she had problems, and yes she had considered talking to me about it but didn't trust me well enough. She added that she often hide how she truly feels, and that she takes on a different persona, depending on who she is interacting with. She also told me that she was angry and annoyed at me, telling me that I didn't know her. And after that one time, we never spoke about it again. So, I'd say, based on previous experience, that she doesn't want certain feedback from me.

 

The other friend that had talked to the first girl about what I thought about her, I consider one of my closest friends. We have talked with each other so many times, we have kind of acted as therapist to one another, debated and discussed philosophy. He is, at the moment, the one person in my life that I can really relate to, and have a real discussion. So I'd say that, if there is anything I am almost 100% certain of, is that he values my feedback and opinions.

 

 

 

Also it depends of course on how you communicate your concerns. If you talk to them in an accusatory or authoritarian way I can get that they wouldn't like that. Also ofc, if you only talk to other people about your concerns but never openly to the people it actually concerns then that's not really helpful either and I could understand why your friends would find this annoying.

 

I don't know from what you wrote how exactly all that happened and what your motivation was for speaking out and for the reasons to whom you decided to speak out about these things of course, so feel free to add more and/or use this as a starting point to learn more about your motivations and reasons behind your actions.

 

Yes, I agree, not discussing it with the person in question was a mistake. 

Unfortunately, my memory has this last 4-5 months deteriorated so much, that I cannot remember what my motivations for me speaking about was (apparently it was this last summer), so I do not think I can add more to that part of the story. I do recall though that I was very absolute about my statement. And that was a mistake on my part.

 

Hopefully it's not to confusing to interpret whom I am writing about in the text.

[Kevin Beal]

Yes, I agree, not discussing it with the person in question was a mistake. 

Unfortunately, my memory has this last 4-5 months deteriorated so much, that I cannot remember what my motivations for me speaking about was (apparently it was this last summer), so I do not think I can add more to that part of the story. I do recall though that I was very absolute about my statement. And that was a mistake on my part.

Well, I'm not so sure it was a mistake given what you said above. It sounds like you tried bringing things to her many times and it didn't go over very well. It may be that you didn't bring it to her because you knew what was going to happen. That doesn't mean you can't talk about her to other people.

 

This whole idea of "talking behind people's backs" really pisses me off. I am just not going to bring every criticism I have of someone to their attention, and I refuse to punish myself for bringing it to other people's attention.

 

If you were unconsciously manipulating somebody in some way to do something like how my own mother used alligator tears to turn me against my sister, then that would be a problem, but if you are simply sharing an honest concern that you have, then that's like about as opposite as you could get. People need to know what the people they trust are thinking and feeling about the people in their lives. That's like crazy important stuff.

 

There may have been some chain of events that would make it advantageous to confront this girl, but I don't think there is anything that means you owe her that.

 

I don't know all the details, but I'm very suspicious of this guilt.

[Yeravos]

Well, I'm not so sure it was a mistake given what you said above. It sounds like you tried bringing things to her many times and it didn't go over very well. It may be that you didn't bring it to her because you knew what was going to happen. That doesn't mean you can't talk about her to other people.

 

This whole idea of "talking behind people's backs" really pisses me off. I am just not going to bring every criticism I have of someone to their attention, and I refuse to punish myself for bringing it to other people's attention.

 

If you were unconsciously manipulating somebody in some way to do something like how my own mother used alligator tears to turn me against my sister, then that would be a problem, but if you are simply sharing an honest concern that you have, then that's like about as opposite as you could get. People need to know what the people they trust are thinking and feeling about the people in their lives. That's like crazy important stuff.

 

There may have been some chain of events that would make it advantageous to confront this girl, but I don't think there is anything that means you owe her that.

 

I don't know all the details, but I'm very suspicious of this guilt.

Actually, I agree with you on this. She and I have had argued about this in the past, and she is of the opinion that if you have a problem with someone, you don't talk with others about it (when I think about this however, I realize she doesn't adhere to this principle always, because she has had problems with me, and done the same thing I have done, discussed it with other people). I, however, am of the opinion that human beings talk about other people with each other. And as long as it is honest, why would it matter if you share your worries/problems about a person with someone else? 

 

Now that I think about it, the principle ''Speak only to the person/s involved'' could possibly serve to isolate a person, and make it more unlikely for the person to actually bring up something the one that claims to hold to that principle doesn't like?

 

When I think about it yes, if I had brought it up to her only, in person, I think she would have acted in a similar manner. It was a very uncomfortable conversation.

 

I think the number of persons involved might have caused a misunderstanding. It was the second girl (the one that told the first girl), that I had brought up my concern about her wellbeing in respect with how I perceived her in her relationship with me and others.

 

Thank you for your response!

[Jiminy Vishnu]

Yeravos

 

If the critique was unsolicited, then I could see how this friend might be turned off. However, If they asked for any insight or feedback and can't handle what you had to share, then maybe you never really had a relationship of any depth and this incident is exposing that in the form of the feeings you are having. Please don't make yourself sick over someone else's lack of consistency in living a life of principal.  

[Yeravos]

Thank you for your response Jiminy. I agree with the second part of your post, but not the first part. As I said, I have trouble remembering saying these things about my former friend, but I am pretty certain that I didn't criticize her. I think that I just stated that I thought she'd have trouble with getting into a romantic relationship. 

[Jiminy Vishnu]

Your welcome Yeravos, and I'm sorry to hear you feel like shit. 

 

 

I have a friend who asked me recently  about a guy she uses to pay her rent and buy her dinner, and what I thought about the situation, and when i said " Well I don't date women who are willing to be my stooge", she really got uncomfortable and wondered if she was really a "bad" person (her words). 

 

It's not easy facing the mirror of truth or being a mirror for another. 

[Kevin Beal]

Now that I think about it, the principle ''Speak only to the person/s involved'' could possibly serve to isolate a person, and make it more unlikely for the person to actually bring up something the one that claims to hold to that principle doesn't like?

I think that's a really profound insight actually. I just wanted to bring more attention to it

[cynicist]

 

 

Now that I think about it, the principle ''Speak only to the person/s involved'' could possibly serve to isolate a person, and make it more unlikely for the person to actually bring up something the one that claims to hold to that principle doesn't like?

 

I guarantee you that comes from her family, I have a similar history (including the multiple personas thing) and that tactic is one that families use in order prevent you from learning the truth about a particular situation (that an outside perspective can give you).

 

 

 

Thank you for your response Jiminy. I agree with the second part of your post, but not the first part. As I said, I have trouble remembering saying these things about my former friend, but I am pretty certain that I didn't criticize her. I think that I just stated that I thought she'd have trouble with getting into a romantic relationship.

 

You stated your honest opinion of her situation. I don't know the motivation for telling the others about it, maybe you just wanted to hear a second opinion, but I'm sure the reason people have a problem with it is that they perceive it to be a criticism. You see, even though it may be true it is an uncomfortable truth (one that she doesn't want to hear in particular, because her multiple persona thing comes in part from being dishonest with herself and wanting to avoid issues rather than confront them directly) so you are right in assuming that things would have gone wrong even if you had spoken to her directly. You are saying something about her which is negative, and she already has self-esteem issues for sure, and she is now mad at you for it. I can tell you also that she feels lots of anxiety when it comes to being honest with other people. (due to be punished for it by her family)

 

I'm guessing she is a passive, go-with-the-flow kind of person? Probably likes to get along with the group, not talk about anything that could be negative, changing subjects if necessary.  She doesn't like to take a stand on anything or if she does she will contradict herself often, has a hard time admitting mistakes or errors, is passive aggressive, drops hints and holds grudges and rarely will tell you directly what she is mad about.

 

I could be wrong but this is a particular pattern of behavior that I'm familiar with.

[Yeravos]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts cynicist! 

 

 

You see, even though it may be true it is an uncomfortable truth (one that she doesn't want to hear in particular, because her multiple persona thing comes in part from being dishonest with herself and wanting to avoid issues rather than confront them directly) so you are right in assuming that things would have gone wrong even if you had spoken to her directly. 

I'm guessing she is a passive, go-with-the-flow kind of person? Probably likes to get along with the group, not talk about anything that could be negative, changing subjects if necessary.  She doesn't like to take a stand on anything or if she does she will contradict herself often, has a hard time admitting mistakes or errors, is passive aggressive, drops hints and holds grudges and rarely will tell you directly what she is mad about.

 

 

There has been a misunderstanding here, to many persons to keep track of here. But I'll try to explain it better now.

There are two girls I am writing about here. The first one is the one that approached me yesterday and now doesn't want to see me 1on1 anymore. This first girl reminds me of my mother, in that when you are not in agreement with her, she'll usually become frustrated, contradict herself and lash out in anger. As mother, I'd say she never really wants to admit mistakes or errors, usually when one confronts her on mistakes/errors she have made, she'll first laugh about it and still claim that she is right, and if one is to press on that she might be wrong, she'll get angry. Yes, in group situations, she usually don't want to break it up with talking about something that could be negative. But, if something is really bothering her, she'll bring it up with the person in question (like she did yesterday).

 

The second girl is the girl that described herself as showing of different personae to different people. 

[RestoringGuy]

This first girl reminds me of my mother, in that when you are not in agreement with her, she'll usually become frustrated, contradict herself and lash out in anger. As mother, I'd say she never really wants to admit mistakes or errors, usually when one confronts her on mistakes/errors she have made, she'll first laugh about it and still claim that she is right, and if one is to press on that she might be wrong, she'll get angry.

This sounds like the opposite of the word friend.

[cynicist]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts cynicist! 

 

There has been a misunderstanding here, to many persons to keep track of her. But I'll try to explain it better now.

There are two girls I am writing about here. The first one is the one that approached me yesterday and now doesn't want to see me 1on1 anymore. This first girl reminds me of my mother, in that when you are not in agreement with her, she'll usually become frustrated, contradict herself and lash out in anger. As mother, I'd say she never really wants to admit mistakes or errors, usually when one confronts her on mistakes/errors she have made, she'll first laugh about it and still claim that she is right, and if one is to press on that she might be wrong, she'll get angry. Yes, in group situations, she usually don't want to break it up with talking about something that could be negative. But, if something is really bothering her, she'll bring it up with the person in question (like she did yesterday).

 

The second girl is the girl that described herself as showing of different personae to different people. 

 

Ah ok, without names it was harder to follow. The multiple personality thing is a problem I had several years ago and I will tell you right now it is a really bad sign of anxiety and fear around the judgments of others. I would do it because I wanted to be seen in a positive light and avoid criticism and just generally fit in. I feel sympathy for her because that comes from having to hide who you are over many years (and being attacked by many people for who you truly are).

 

One thing that sounds strange to me is why did your guy friend tell her your criticisms in the first place? I'm happy to hear legit criticism myself but most people take it as a personal attack so I'm sure he could have predicted her response.

[Yeravos]

This sounds like the opposite of the word friend.

Hm. They are certainly not qualities you look for in a person you'd want to hang around, for sure.

 

 

Ah ok, without names it was harder to follow. The multiple personality thing is a problem I had several years ago and I will tell you right now it is a really bad sign of anxiety and fear around the judgments of others. I would do it because I wanted to be seen in a positive light and avoid criticism and just generally fit in. I feel sympathy for her because that comes from having to hide who you are over many years (and being attacked by many people for who you truly are).

 

One thing that sounds strange to me is why did your guy friend tell her your criticisms in the first place? I'm happy to hear legit criticism myself but most people take it as a personal attack so I'm sure he could have predicted her response.

I believe it was because they were partying, and that it slipped out of him when he was drunk. I do not know this for certain thought, have not asked him about it.

[LovePrevails]

So, not feeling so high at the moment.

 

Just had a talk with a former friend, that had found out that I have spoken about her with other friends, concerning her and her future romantic relationships. I had expressed my opinion to my other friends, that I thought that this girl would have trouble getting into a romantic relationship, because I had gotten the impression  from being with her that she had a lot of emotional baggage. Anyways, me and this girl, agreed to only spend time with each other when we are in our social group, because she felt that it was wrong of me to judge her, and she felt that she could not trust me. She was really sad and angry with me, because her finding out what I had said had brought up tragic things from her past.

 

She also told me that some of my other friends are annoyed with me, for the reason that they think it is not right for me to judge their personal relationships. I think I know who they are.

 

I have contemplated this for a few months now. That I am too quick to judge, and that I shouldn't tell people what I think they are doing wrong, or that I disagree with their course of action. And I am starting to doubt myself, about judging the relationships of others. That I am doing something wrong. But, when I have been judging, I have always done it because I have felt that I have been trying to help my friends, from harming themselves in what could be bad relationships.

 

So yeah. Not feeling good at all right now. Mentally, I feel lonely. Physically, I feel sick to my stomach, breathing heavily and feeling like I have a cold.(freezing and feeling like I have a fever).

 

Have I been wrong to judge their relationships?

 

 

How empathetic were you towards her feelings when she told you she was angry/upset about it?

did you show her compassion and give her a chance to speak about what bothered her

[Yeravos]

How empathetic were you towards her feelings when she told you she was angry/upset about it?

did you show her compassion and give her a chance to speak about what bothered her

Well. I felt extremely uncomfortable and intimidated by her, so I just mostly let her say what she had to say. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't interrupt her. I told her that I was upset that I had upset-ed her. I corrected her on that as far as I could recall, what I had said about her wasn't me bashing her, but just stating that that was what I thought about her situation.

[Kevin Beal]

Well. I felt extremely uncomfortable and intimidated by her, so I just mostly let her say what she had to say. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't interrupt her. I told her that I was upset that I had upset-ed her. I corrected her on that as far as I could recall, what I had said about her wasn't me bashing her, but just stating that that was what I thought about her situation.

Sounds empathetic to me. 

[CrazyCanuck]

Well. I felt extremely uncomfortable and intimidated by her, so I just mostly let her say what she had to say. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't interrupt her. I told her that I was upset that I had upset-ed her. I corrected her on that as far as I could recall, what I had said about her wasn't me bashing her, but just stating that that was what I thought about her situation.

Sounds like she's angry it's true.  If it's not true what why she get upset?  On the flip side, have you apologized to her?

[Yeravos]

Sounds like she's angry it's true.  If it's not true what why she get upset?  On the flip side, have you apologized to her?

I told her that I was sorry that she was upset, and told her that I would do my best, not to make the same mistake in the future. Though now in the aftermath, I realize that I have not wronged her in my opinion. I was not lying when I said that I would do my best not to discuss her mental health in the future, but I did not (and still don't) agree with it being wrong.

[CrazyCanuck]

I told her that I was sorry that she was upset, and told her that I would do my best, not to make the same mistake in the future. Though now in the aftermath, I realize that I have not wronged her in my opinion. I was not lying when I said that I would do my best not to discuss her mental health in the future, but I did not (and still don't) agree with it being wrong.

 

I told her that I was sorry that she was upset, and told her that I would do my best, not to make the same mistake in the future. Though now in the aftermath, I realize that I have not wronged her in my opinion. I was not lying when I said that I would do my best not to discuss her mental health in the future, but I did not (and still don't) agree with it being wrong.

Well then there's nothing more you can do. You done the right thing even if you were wrong.  I wouldn't stress over it.  She is still upset because what you said was true.  Maybe it was wrong of you because you didn't discuss it.  I don't normally talk about people lives unless it's affecting my life greatly.  However I just keep it short.  Of course if that person involved me then  I have the right to talk about them even still I wouldn't.  Maybe you said those things to warn your friends that may date her.  Also on some level it's possible that you wanted to be with her and by talking about her problem that you would scare off your friend dating her.  I am not saying you are but subconsciously  you maybe doing that sort of thing.

[LovePrevails]

Well. I felt extremely uncomfortable and intimidated by her, so I just mostly let her say what she had to say. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't interrupt her. I told her that I was upset that I had upset-ed her. I corrected her on that as far as I could recall, what I had said about her wasn't me bashing her, but just stating that that was what I thought about her situation.

 

Just in the situation I would say something like "I can see you're upset about that, why don't we sit down and you can tell me your side of the story"

Listen back, show some understanding, and when that person was sufficiently understood tell my side of the story and explain why i said what I said

 

I say thing bearing in mind I don't keep verbally abusive people in my social circle

could be she is/was not worth keeping as a friend all along, could be on the other hand she was just hurt and needed heard

 

a very self-aware person would come up and say "hey, those things hurt, why did you say them about me? do you believe they are true?"

 

but that's quite a big ask in this world, where most people haven't had experiences of being talked to in that way

they usually need to feel safe and secure with you before showing any real vulnerability

 

let me know your reflections on what I have said

[Kevin Beal]

Just in the situation I would say something like "I can see you're upset about that, why don't we sit down and you can tell me your side of the story"

Listen back, show some understanding, and when that person was sufficiently understood tell my side of the story and explain why i said what I said

 

I say thing bearing in mind I don't keep verbally abusive people in my social circle

could be she is/was not worth keeping as a friend all along, could be on the other hand she was just hurt and needed heard

 

a very self-aware person would come up and say "hey, those things hurt, why did you say them about me? do you believe they are true?"

 

but that's quite a big ask in this world, where most people haven't had experiences of being talked to in that way

they usually need to feel safe and secure with you before showing any real vulnerability

 

let me know your reflections on what I have said

Why are you operating from the assumption that the poster needed to do something differently? She did show empathy and she's still wrong?

[Yeravos]

Just in the situation I would say something like "I can see you're upset about that, why don't we sit down and you can tell me your side of the story"

Listen back, show some understanding, and when that person was sufficiently understood tell my side of the story and explain why i said what I said

 

 

 

This is how it played out. It ended with us concluding that we would get nowhere in that discussion, and her saying that she felt that I am fucking stupid and socially incompetent.

 

 

a very self-aware person would come up and say "hey, those things hurt, why did you say them about me? do you believe they are true?"

 

 

First, she said that she was upset because I had made statements about her mental health. Then, she contradicted this later, by saying that she was upset because her hearing about me saying this had brought up painful memories of her past. She did ask me why I had said those things about her, but since I couldn't remember so much about what I said about her, I couldn't explain, I could only explain how I could rationalize it in the present. Also, I had a very strong feeling all the time that she was just asking that question to bash on me, and my answer, whatever it would have been.

 

Why are you operating from the assumption that the poster needed to do something differently? She did show empathy and she's still wrong?

Just a minor correction, I am male.

[LovePrevails]

Why are you operating from the assumption that the poster needed to do something differently? She did show empathy and she's still wrong?

 

I am not, I am operating from the assumption that the poster wants to optimise his relationships.

and her saying that she felt that I am fucking stupid and socially incompetent.

 

 

sounds like the reverse is true to me because saying someone is fucking stupid and socially incompetent is a fucking stupid and socially incompetent thing to say if you want to maintain a decent relationship with someone. How did you respond?

[Yeravos]

 

sounds like the reverse is true to me because saying someone is fucking stupid and socially incompetent is a fucking stupid and socially incompetent thing to say if you want to maintain a decent relationship with someone. How did you respond?

I let it slide. It was at the end of the conversation, just before we agreed that we shouldn't hang out anymore. I got the feeling that she said that to hurt me.

[Kevin Beal]

Just a minor correction, I am male.

Terribly sorry. I have no idea why I assumed that. 

[LovePrevails]

I let it slide. It was at the end of the conversation, just before we agreed that we shouldn't hang out anymore. I got the feeling that she said that to hurt me.

 

Ok and how are you feeling towards her now?

resentment? frustration? resignation? what do you feel about the situation?

 

do you think she was being malicious or saying it out of being hurt?

how much do you value her? is she likely to say things like that again?

if so maybe not best choice of people for friends...