Stuck

[Hydrogen]

Hello.

 

This is my first post here. I was going to introduce myself but I have a specific problem and figured I'd get right to the nitty gritty.

 

I have a big problem with self criticism. When I try to sit down and be productive, I spend too much time thinking whether or not this is a good use of my time or if I'm doing it optimally. This also happens when trying to relax sometimes, but not as aggressively. I used to spend a lot of time making sure I said the right thing and was pretty zealous about avoiding typos when interacting online or using the wrong word in person. So a lot of the time I wouldn't say anything. I've been putting in a good amount of effort to not do this, with good results so far.

 

I spend basically all of my time in my room, essentially hiding from everything. I've began to see how incredibly unhealthy this is and have been growing more and more frustrated. Every day feels far too similar to the one before it. 

 

I get the self criticism from my mom, and I still live at home. I think I would benefit from living elsewhere, but still have a ton of apprehension about working (I've hated every job I've ever had), being independent, communicating with people, and messing up (mostly messing up and then having to move back home). 

 

I have the option to go to therapy, as it is covered by our health insurance. I was speaking with a friend recently and he suggested I may be better off trying to get out above all else. He compared going to therapy now to trying to lift weights in a room full of plutonium and expecting to gain muscle. I think that makes sense, but also wondered if therapy might still be beneficial, even if I'm not getting the most out of it. I've been doing a bit of work myself, like journaling when I let myself, reading some, and listening to podcasts. It's very slow, but I get uncomfortable if I feel like I'm accomplishing nothing, and have a rapidly growing desire to change and feel free.

 

I don't have much money now so getting out seems overwhelming and far off, which tends to drain my hope. This grows worse when I think about how poorly equipped I am to handle a lot of situations, mostly of the emotional sort. So I'll get panicked and do whatever I can to calm down. I can't really speak to my parents about this. There's a wall there that I discovered (consciously) very recently. So now it feels like I'm on a covert mission to not be detected as something other than a painting on the wall.

 

Even rereading this I get uncomfortable presenting this since it seems too general, and there's the fear of doing it wrong or something. But I want to get help, even if it's scary.

 

Any advice/suggestions/comments are greatly appreciated. I look forward to honest conversation. I'll gladly clarify or give additional details.

[Lens]

Hi,

 

Self criticism is in general less harmful than criticism of others. In my own experience when I stopped criticizing myself I was flooded with fear because I decided to treat myself in a decent way. I had two choices whether to criticize and abuse myself like my parents did when I was a child or to stand by myself even if I was disobeying the rule (hating myself). 

 

I found out that the feelings of fear actually came from my childhood but they were hidden by my self criticism.

 

In my view and also from personal experience I overcame self criticism by facing it by stopping it and by feeling the fear that is behind it that way I overcame it and it took me time. This doesn't happen over night. 

 

Are you open with yourself about your childhood experiences ? Did your parents inflict on your corporal punishment for doing things they qualify to be wrong ? Did they shame you or ignored you when you did something good to yourself in childhood ?

 

Good luck 

 

Lens