Please help, I need some advice for my future.

[HamsterPants]

Hello everyone.I'm currently 22 years old and I've got problem. I'm not sure how to go about carrying on into the future of adult life. My parents are causing a great deal of frustration for me, but because of how I've learned to communicate with them, it's impossible for me to be verbally persuasive about my feelings and my needs.

 

It's very important to me that I make the right decision so I'm going to detail this situation in the best way that I can.

 

I've been unemployed for 3 years, and I've never had a non-temporary job. The process of applying for jobs inspires nothing but apathy in me, to the point where, even if I got an interview, I've already stopped caring. I want to chase my passions in life and try to earn money that way. I've chosen that I'd most love to become a blacksmith (more specifically an armor smith) and to sell my works. There is a market for these products so that's not even relevant to this topic. The perdicament I have right now is how I choose to go about reaching that point.Currently I have no formal education. I have a GED, and I'm not particularly good at anything in life aside from the ability to retain lots of knowledge. I have no professional skills yet. My family is supportive of my career choice and is willing to financially support me in acquiring the education and tools necessary to make a living that way on my own.However, my parents absolutely refuse to take responsibility for the way that they have raised me. They blame all of my problems, and all of their parenting mistakes, on the claim that I have aspergers syndrome (or some kind of mental disability), a notion which I strongly disagree with, and feel is a massive cop out. There are huge voids in my relationship with my parents. My father is abusive, and though my mother didn't let him physically and verbally abuse me very much as a child, she completely enables him to do so now, with the mentality that I have no right to have my feelings considered because i am a grown man who is still dependent on his parents. They never taught me how to be self-reliant. They never gave me the skills for that, as they argue that it's something I was supposed to just automatically know.My mother thinks that the reason why I don't have a job and stay at home all day is because she failed to "discipline" me, but she thinks that discipline is not compatible with peaceful parenting, which is what she claimed to have tried.My memory of my childhood is very limited, but I never had any friends, and I was extremely anti-social beginning from my 3rd year at least. I used to bite people constantly, especially other children. Not seemingly for any reason, it would just sorta happen, but it earned my family a bad reputation with other parents, and it earned me nobody to socialize with. My parents refuse to believe that they have anything to do with my nature as a child, or any of the ways in which I psychologically developed.

 

So if I stay with my family for a couple more years, I will have the support i need to become a very capable blacksmith, but at the expense of living with people who make me feel extremely frustrated, and extremely angry.My father is going into counceling, and I'm thinking about giving counceling a chance because he wants to fix the relationship he has with me (because it really wasn't a relationship at all) but I am very doubtful that he will ever apologize for any evils that he made me suffer. If I confronted him about these things verbally right now, he would literally scream at me and threaten me with violence for disrespecting his authority as my caregiver. If I defend myself verbally or physically, he will think he is completely morally justified in battering and bruising me, and then literally throwing my limp body out of the house afterwards. He has done it before and he would do it again. He is basically a slave to his emotions, and would disown me as a member of his family if I didn't appeal to his preconceived notions of "respect" which he apparently deserves for providing for me.

 

I have no money and no friends or relatives to fall back on, so my only other option besides living with my parents is becoming homeless and then trying to find a job in that state of living. Is there anything I'm missing here? I feel incredibly distressed.

[CrazyCanuck]

I kind of know how you feel.  Been there myself.  The only difference my father refused to go counselling.  He is heading in the right direction.  You need to give him time.  Of course his actions and words isn't correct.  I fought with my parents big time when I was working for them.  Honestly I would have been better off to go some where else.  I stayed because I shouldn't run away from difficulties or conflicts.  If I can handle them I am bound  to come across similar.  I remember telling my parents once they sold their business  I would never talk to them again.  However I still do just that I will never work with them.  It wasn't bad as I thought and I'm glad I didn't just leave.  I feel it was the hardest thing to do, now I felt I can do pretty much anything I really want to do because of it.  I can't tell you to hang in there that's your choice.

Obviously they do love you at love level even if don't treat your right otherwise you would be out in the streets by now.

 

I hope everything works out for you.  Btw blaming anyone even if they are at at fault won't solve your problem.  Successful people don't blame others.

[Coreforcruxes]

Wow, really sorry to hear that, it sounds like a terrible situation.

 

Just my honest reaction here; when you mentioned that your father was willing to go to counseling with you that sounds like a no brainer to me. Also if you did want to bring something up that sounds like the a good environment to do it in safely.

 

Even if he does not apologize the process may clear some things up and at least teach the two of you how to be around each other until you can safely leave. I am not saying you want to learn how to maintain or operate in a dysfunctional relationship but if you choose to stay there it might make things easier to at least try.

 

do you think counseling could make things worse?

[Bulbasaur]

That sounds like a very difficult situation. I'm sorry your parents are so unsupportive of your emotional needs. 

 

 

 

I've been unemployed for 3 years, and I've never had a non-temporary job. The process of applying for jobs inspires nothing but apathy in me, to the point where, even if I got an interview, I've already stopped caring. I want to chase my passions in life and try to earn money that way. I've chosen that I'd most love to become a blacksmith (more specifically an armor smith) and to sell my works. There is a market for these products so that's not even relevant to this topic. The perdicament I have right now is how I choose to go about reaching that point.

Currently I have no formal education. I have a GED, and I'm not particularly good at anything in life aside from the ability to retain lots of knowledge. I have no professional skills yet. My family is supportive of my career choice and is willing to financially support me in acquiring the education and tools necessary to make a living that way on my own.

 

Your aversion toward job applications is totally understandable. The job options available to you are surely pretty unappealing. The way I see it, there are basically two routes in life. Society encourages this assembly line model based on meeting standards, satisfying gatekeepers, and obtaining credentials. This is the top-down, central planned, 'just do what you're told and you'll be taken care of' model of the state. You can see this in how politicians talk about 'jobs' numbers like some abstract commodity that needs to be produced, and people tend to think about jobs as something someone has to give you. This begins with schooling at a very young age, so getting away from it requires swimming against the current, so to speak. It's generally encouraged as the 'safe' route, but becomes less and less safe as the state becomes increasingly dysfunctional. 

 

Formal education is only relevant if you want to participate in this system, and since you don't, there's no need to dwell on only having a GED. Self-motivated learning will always be more effective than top-down curricula, provided that you can gain access to resources and experienced people some other way. The internet makes this increasingly possible. But outside the system, you need to return to basic free market economics and find some way to create enough value for enough people that you can support yourself through doing business with them. Blacksmithing is an unusual thing these days, but niche markets are often the easiest ways for entrepreneurs and small businesses to get started since obscure needs are usually not met by big industries. It's also a skilled trade, which means you could potentially become well-known within that niche and command high prices if you become very good at it and develop a unique style. If this is your passion, by all means pursue it, but to venture outside the 'safe' system requires that you set all the wheels in motion yourself. 

 

 

 

However, my parents absolutely refuse to take responsibility for the way that they have raised me. They blame all of my problems, and all of their parenting mistakes, on the claim that I have aspergers syndrome (or some kind of mental disability), a notion which I strongly disagree with, and feel is a massive cop out. There are huge voids in my relationship with my parents. My father is abusive, and though my mother didn't let him physically and verbally abuse me very much as a child, she completely enables him to do so now, with the mentality that I have no right to have my feelings considered because i am a grown man who is still dependent on his parents. They never taught me how to be self-reliant. They never gave me the skills for that, as they argue that it's something I was supposed to just automatically know.

 

Parents have a duty to teach their children these things, but most cede it to the school system and put their faith in the state model. Perhaps they abuse you now because your presence is a reminder that they themselves fell short in their parenting, like a splinter in their ego. 

 

 

 

My memory of my childhood is very limited, but I never had any friends, and I was extremely anti-social beginning from my 3rd year at least. I used to bite people constantly, especially other children. Not seemingly for any reason, it would just sorta happen, but it earned my family a bad reputation with other parents, and it earned me nobody to socialize with. My parents refuse to believe that they have anything to do with my nature as a child, or any of the ways in which I psychologically developed.

 

This seems like more evidence that there were serious problems with the way you were parented. I think it's an important step that you've recognized this and attempted to discuss it with them, but their resistance is pretty typical. 

 

 

 

So if I stay with my family for a couple more years, I will have the support i need to become a very capable blacksmith, but at the expense of living with people who make me feel extremely frustrated, and extremely angry.

 

To be honest, it sounds like your family doesn't support you at all. Maybe they feel obligated to assist you financially, but it sounds like living with them comes at a great cost, both to your emotional state and to your development of independent initiative and self confidence. And since you don't have any supportive friends around you, all of your interactions are basically reinforcing all the negativity you feel. I don't know anything about what it takes to get into blacksmithing, so I'll trust that you've investigated it yourself, but it seems to me like you'd be better off getting away from your family and finding an experienced blacksmith to apprentice you, even if it means making some financial sacrifices. Would one of those menial jobs seem as bad if it allowed you to get away from your family, to put down the mental burden of being reliant on abusers and pursue your passion?

 

 

 

My father is going into counceling, and I'm thinking about giving counceling a chance because he wants to fix the relationship he has with me (because it really wasn't a relationship at all) but I am very doubtful that he will ever apologize for any evils that he made me suffer. If I confronted him about these things verbally right now, he would literally scream at me and threaten me with violence for disrespecting his authority as my caregiver. If I defend myself verbally or physically, he will think he is completely morally justified in battering and bruising me, and then literally throwing my limp body out of the house afterwards. He has done it before and he would do it again. He is basically a slave to his emotions, and would disown me as a member of his family if I didn't appeal to his preconceived notions of "respect" which he apparently deserves for providing for me.

 

I'm so sorry that you've been treated like this. To me this is irredeemable behavior, and I would think deeply about whether you want to work on fixing your relationship. It seems like you already believe that such an effort would be hopeless, and it might be in your best interests to cut ties with these people as soon as you can. You didn't choose them as parents, you were effectively a prisoner in a world that they created for you; and as such, whether they've financially supported you or not, you don't owe them anything. But even if you do want to try to reconcile things with them, it will be difficult to do while you're still dependent on them because they have this leverage over you.

 

 

 

I have no money and no friends or relatives to fall back on, so my only other option besides living with my parents is becoming homeless and then trying to find a job in that state of living. Is there anything I'm missing here? I feel incredibly distressed.

 

This is a lot like how the welfare state ensnares people into a self-destructive dependency. Personally, I would suggest that you get out of that environment as soon as you safely can. This means taking advantage of their tainted money for the time being, but putting those wheels in motion. Being unemployed gives you an abundance of time to put toward changing your situation, and you could use it to start reaching out to the communities involved with blacksmithing (I imagine there must be some online), trying to find a mentor, trying to find a cheap apartment and a part-time job you can tolerate for the sake of furthering your goals and getting away from the vampires in your life who are draining you of your potential. I find that just making a decision to begin working towards a goal and breaking that initial inertia can be a huge relief in itself. Of course, I'm just a random person with limited knowledge and no direct experience of your situation, so you should think carefully about your own feelings and goals and decide for yourself if you think these ideas would be helpful for you. 

[HamsterPants]

Thank you Bulbasaur. I appreciate you taking the time to reply in such detail.

 

Your assumptions about my situation were accurate, so this advice was very helpful. I just needed to come here to ask because it's hard to find people who understand or respect my philosophical perspective. For most people, reluctance to participate in the system is synonymous with being a lazy detestable person. If I asked your average "old wise man" about this stuff, he'd just turn it on me and make me look like the bad guy. I was really tired of receiving that kind of response, so thank you.

 

As for blacksmithing, apprenticeships are actually incredibly rare and expensive. Most blacksmiths these days are self-taught, but there are communities online which are very active and very friendly, so I will absolutely reach out to them.Your point about breaking the inertia in the beginning is very true. It's like trying to push a boulder, you really have to give it 100%.

[Bulbasaur]

I'm glad this was helpful, and I am a big fan of self-teaching. I can see your dilemma though, as I would imagine self-teaching in blacksmithing must require a substantial investment in equipment. Perhaps rather than a true mentorship with an expert, you could try to build friendships with other beginners who are trying to self-teach and then try to set up some kind of cooperative arrangement where you move into proximity with each other and share equipment, resources and expenses while helping each other learn. I assume anyone getting into armorsmithing these days is driven mostly by passion, so if you got enough people interested, you might even be able to grow a little community around this and eventually expand into more entrepreneurial things. For example, there's a glassblowing studio in my neighborhood, and they do workshops where people with a casual interest can pay some money to get a hands-on learning experience. Once you free yourself from societal expectations, all sorts of new possibilities open up.

[aeonicentity]

Listen, armor smithing can be fun (I personally know one), but there's not a lot of career in it. If you want to talk to him, https://www.facebook.com/dragonheartarmory there's his facebook page. He's a good guy, and might give you some further suggestions on how it can become a great side buisness.

 

Generally speaking, start with getting skills- VALUABLE skills. If armor manufacturing is your goal, try starting with welding, shop and metal working classes at your local Applied tech college. This will give you skills which will let you work at metal shops, and make real money.

 

Nothing builds confidence more than having new powers and abilities that you didn't have before. Yes, i said powers. Think of it that way, its more em'power'ing. Start there. Its good to have dreams, but start with a realistic beginning. Sit down, and make a 5 or 10 year plan on being an armor smith. Consider what you'd need to do to become good, what kinds of products you'd make, and who you'd sell them to. Approach it objectively, and start with the simplest, most important things first. This method of problem solving really helps at tackling large multi-year problems, and builds confidence.

[HamsterPants]

Listen, armor smithing can be fun (I personally know one), but there's not a lot of career in it. If you want to talk to him, https://www.facebook.com/dragonheartarmory there's his facebook page. He's a good guy, and might give you some further suggestions on how it can become a great side buisness.

 

Generally speaking, start with getting skills- VALUABLE skills. If armor manufacturing is your goal, try starting with welding, shop and metal working classes at your local Applied tech college. This will give you skills which will let you work at metal shops, and make real money.

 

Nothing builds confidence more than having new powers and abilities that you didn't have before. Yes, i said powers. Think of it that way, its more em'power'ing. Start there. Its good to have dreams, but start with a realistic beginning. Sit down, and make a 5 or 10 year plan on being an armor smith. Consider what you'd need to do to become good, what kinds of products you'd make, and who you'd sell them to. Approach it objectively, and start with the simplest, most important things first. This method of problem solving really helps at tackling large multi-year problems, and builds confidence.

I fully intend to make armor smithing the meat of my career, but that's because I already have entrepreneurial plans for the kinds of products I'll be able to bring to people. I took a look at that guy's work and his armor is very nice, but it's not quite at the level of quality that I'm hoping to achieve. If it is possible for me to manage, I would really like to master the craft and create works of art in the form of armor.

 

As for the valuable skills, thank you for the advice. I definitely agree. Welding and metal working skills are invaluable to any steel craftsman. I already have experience with welding and know how to operate the equipment, I guess you couldn't say my education is recognized (and I could use a refresher course) but I've learned the ups and downs.

 

Thank you so much for the input!