bendefelice Posted November 27, 2013 Posted November 27, 2013 So I come from quite a long line of sadistic mother fuckers. The farthest I can go back in my family roots, was during world war one and my great grandfather was an Italian fighting in the war. I know he was a pretty terrible parent, of course beating the daylight out of his kids daily and his wife was the same, who also got beaten daily. My great grandfather fought for the us in ww2 in always talked about how he liked killing people. He of course beat the shit out of my grandfather daily. My grandmother's father and mother were German Nazis. Her father was a Nazi soldier who beat her and obviously verbally abused her. My grandparents had four children. Each one equally beaten on a berated and tortured. My grandfather was a drunk, to the point that his hair actually turned green. They would always tell all four kids that they were garbage, the usual abusive parent shit. Both of the parents each time were terrible to their kids, didn't even give them a chance. So 1 daughter is a drug addict, addicted to prescription medication and sponging off the US welfare system. We haven't heard from her or her husband in years. The next daughter has a husband who beats her and her kids. She let's it go and stays with him regardless. She's really smart.She's a doctor and could be absolutely rich except she doesn't think she could run her own practice, even though she could easily. My next Aunt is a sadist. Tortured both of her sons, alcoholic, beat them until they were old enough to defend themselves. Married an alcoholic who did the same. My dad was a steroid abusing alcoholic power lifter who beat the living crap out of me 4-5 days a week. I've got some fucked up stories. He forced me to do sports that I sucked at on purpose so that he could beat me for sucking at them and wasting his time. Literally did everything he possibly could to make both my life and my mothers lives hell. He told my mom if she ever left him, he would kill us, and would have. This went on until I turned 14 and actually had to threaten him with a butcher knife. Magically he could control his temper when he knew I slash his fucking throat in his sleep.... My dad, just before my high school graduation, decided to cheat on my mom with the person she hated most in the world. It made her absolutely insane for a year and half. She couldn't help herself from talking shit about my dad constantly, literally constantly. I could not have a conversation with her for the year and half without ending up having to listen to an hour of her complaining about how much of an ass my dad was. Oh by the way my dad made me go to an all guys catholic high school. Just thought you would enjoy that. I was really fucked up throughout high school and for few years after. I've avoided girlfriends and friends alike because I didn't think I could control myself from being like my dad. After high school, I worked in a barbecue restaurant with some real assholes, in Detroit, for a while and was going insane. There were times when I would freak the fuck out and self attack when I got home. I've literally destroyed everything I've had, materially and relationships. I've had a few four year old style temper tantrums and just destroyed all of my shit that I worked hard for. I did not think I deserved it. I spent about a year at that job getting picked on by a 350 lbs black guy, and some other crack head scum bags. But I didn't have any money because I spent it all on drinking or drugs. Mostly Vicodin and weed some Xanax. So I finally quit that job. Then I was the same way but with no money. I had blown up to 250 lbs from 200 when I was wrestling my senior year, in one year. I decided to turn my life around because I couldn't just keep going the way I was. I took a couple months off of work, half because nobody would hire me no matter how many jobs I applied for, which was hundreds, then after about a month of trying I gave up (got a job at burger king). So I decided I wanted to join the Air Force. Still do, yes, I know what you're thinking. I lost 55 lbs so far an am down to 195. At about 220 I made the biggest mistake of my life because I didn't think things through. I just didn't understand I guess. I thought my dad still loved me and just wanted what was best for me. I still didn't understand that he was a just a sadist. So after about a month straight of begging me (my dad) to move in with him, I caved and did. Keep in mind that I had been working the graveyard shifts at a burger king for 2 months now (Really low self worth.). So I moved in with him and his new girlfriend (different women from the one he cheated on my mom with) in Ohio. I got job inside 2 weeks for United Parcel Service. I had tried really hard to get a job at the local gun shop. I didn't have a car because the car that I did have, which I paid for in cash in full I had recently totaled. So I had to get his girlfriend, who willingly and happily drove me around helping me look for job in the area, and watched me apply there 3-4 times and go in and talk the manager for a week straight and get told no over and over and calling them and talking to the manager until they they just told me to stop harassing them. lol My dad had bought an extra car for 400 dollars that he was letting me use until he fully moved in to the house in Toledo. It wasn't MY car, but, he was just letting me use it for a while. He was still working in Detroit, Michigan using that as an excuse to have the chance to cheat on his new girlfriend that I was staying with. I had a left over application from the gun store that was empty sitting in my car unfilled out because I had the guy I was talking to go get me another app, just to be a dick, I guess. His girl in Detroit finally told him to take a hike and he got a job in Toledo and moved in full time. Instead of being gone 5 days a week he was there 7 days a week. Rewind 2 weeks and I had gotten a second job for UPS as a driver's helper. So I was going to, starting in early November of this year have 2 jobs and was going to be able to save some money and buy the car off my dad. As soon as he found out I was going to be making more money than him, it sent him into a rage. Because of course, I can't possibly be doing better than him. It wouldn't fit his narrative. So anyway he made up some bullshit about me not trying hard enough to get the job at the gun shop and that I wasn't really going to get the other job at UPS (even though I was scheduled to start the next day) and then of course the usual beration that an abusive parent would give their child. He threatened to beat me up and I, being in good shape, as I no longer drink or smoke, run three and a half miles a day and work out. My job was incredibly physical (I loaded the UPS trucks by hand at speed about 1300 packages a day averaging 40 lbs each). He is a 350 lbs has been, pot smoking 56 year old with a torn rotater cuff. I know how to fight as much as he does. I had been trying to turn my life around and making good progress, though so I decided i would try to be the bigger man (pun intended) and not fight him. I was able to control my temper through exercise even in the face of my dads beration. Anyways he was kicking me out and threatened to fight me a few times and I just wouldn't back down. I know him well enough to know that if I stand up to him but don't hit him, there won't be a fight. This infuriated him but he didn't want to get his ass kicked so he got a baseball bat. I got my 12 gauge and I said "Let's see who is going to win, mother fucker." He backed off, of course. So, of course, I packed up my shit and called my mom to get a UHaul truck and come pick me and moved back in with my Mom. Then it finally hit me that he really is a sadist. He couldn't even make up a real excuse to fuck up my life when everything was going my, so he just made shit up. I guess having to threaten to kill your own father or get beaten with a baseball bat at 20 years old will make you realize that there's some fucked up happenings going on. 99% of the time, I'm a nice guy. I make friends super easy with just about everyone I meet. I do not take joy in seeing my friends get hurt. In fact, it actually pisses me off or makes me sad. But even still, I have violent tendencies. Like the reason I ended up getting schools switched was because I got in three fights my freshman year in the first semester. I didn't start any of them but I definitely finished them. The first one i was hanging out with some friends at school (the only place I ever had friends) and a kid came up and starting giving my friends shit and starting slapping them around. I told him to back off and he slapped me and without even thinking, I punched the kid. He had braces and I broke his jaws and blood just went everywhere. I remember I had a white shirt and shoes on. I couldn't get the blood out of them so I had to throw both out. I had just gotten these shoes and they cost my mom like 150 dollars, which was a shit ton for my family. I was horrified and cried about it for a week. I mean, I really fucked the kid up. Just one punch straight broke his face. Then a guy (he was the running back on the high school football team, we both got kicked off the team for this) tried drowning me in the pool and went insane on him. I broke 5 of his ribs and his diaphragm. That was the second time and I didn't feel bad about it at all. At all. I mean I didn't feel good about it but I didn't care that it happened. I just kind of acted like it never happened. The next time I was at a school basketball game with a girl I liked and who liked me and some kids started throwing popcorn at us (I'm white, she was black, it WAS a racism thing.) I told them to cut the shit and sat back down. A guy threw his shoe at me. I took his shoe and walked away and tossed it in the garbage. The kid came running after me and tried tackling me, but I played football and wrestled for 9 years at this time, so I just didn't go down. I walked back and put my back on a wall, it was a fence actually but who cares. I held the kid's head down by my waist and just beat him. Like really beat him. Broken ribs on his back, he told me he peed blood for a while. I mean I really fucked him up also. I broke all of his ribs. not just five but as many I could, on purpose. It went on for a while because some of my black friends who were there walled us off and let it go on, because they knew the kid was picking on me because he was a racist. I was in that school for another month and nobody fucked with me at all. Everyone was afraid of me because I beat fucked up the football teams running back and the kid who was best known for fighting in our school. I liked not having to fight people. It was kind of the Marxist thing, it was better to have a school full of people who fear you than love you and I know that was wrong but I was in 9th grade and my dad was still very much beating the piss out of me daily. The butcher knife story happened at the beginning of my sophomore year during hell week for football. Back to my original question now. Can I teach myself to not be like my father. To not go overkill every time I feel like I have to defend myself. I'm afraid if I were to let myself have girlfriends or kids I would do the same as my dad and grandparents did. I don't want to do that. I don't want to put anyone through that. I mean, I know what I've done was horrible. I wasn't even a bully, I mostly kept to myself but every time I was confronted and still until recently, instinctively go for the overkill. Like Ender's game, I don't just stop this attack, I stop all possibility of future attacks, and it's not necessary. I'm afraid if I have people that depend on me I will let them down and be like my father was to me. I want to know if I can trust myself not to be that.
Mike Fleming Posted November 28, 2013 Posted November 28, 2013 I don't know whether you, personally, can change yourself or not. I didn't come from such a bad situation. There was very little actual physical abuse, it was mostly psychological bullying abuse and being made to feel worthless. Being attacked any time you made a mistake, that kind of thing. Even that ruined me for relationships in my 20's and it was a long hard road over many years to try and change my own behaviour so I wouldn't end up repeating my parents mistakes. The one thing I always had in my mind was that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than end up like my father, living with someone who who would abuse me. Or vice versa. I still have a heightened fight or flight response that I have to manage. It's like my body is always expecting someone to attack, verbally, at any moment but over time it is becoming more manageable. I still have my moments though, and still sometimes on forums where I'll misconstrue someone's argument as an attack on me and retaliate. I believe the cycle can be broken and I believe I have done it. But it's not easy and the older you are when you start the more difficult it becomes.
bendefelice Posted November 28, 2013 Author Posted November 28, 2013 thanks for the reply. it makes alot of sense. hopefully i can will myself into changing for the better.
Lians Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 I'm so sorry to hear about this. You weren't physically abused, you were tortured... I can't tell you whether sadism is hereditary or learned (I suspect it's a mixture of both), but I can give you some hope. You writing this post already says a great deal about yourself. I don't think you are a sadist because you show concern for other people's well being. I applaud that. I too was put through torture as a toddler. My father started beating me when I was one and a half years old. My mother beat me with implements until I got big enough to fight back. The beatings weren't as frequent as yours. I was also sexually abused. I had severe PTSD by the age of 6. I won't go into all the details, but suffice to say that I know what sadistic violence looks like first hand. Here's where I got luckier than you. I learned to suppress my anger and rage through practising aikido (Japanese martial art focusing on self-defence) from the age of 6 to 10. I then transitioned to competitive sports because they were a good way of channelling my anger and rage into something that I thought was productive. I've never injured anyone and have only gotten into one fight my entire life. I actually let myself get punched in it and only laughed at the other person, taunting him for being weak. I felt so numb at the time that I welcomed the pain. It made me feel alive. After discovering this show about 3 years ago, I became very proactive about changing myself. I've since developed a great deal of empathy, I have full access to my emotional experiences and I'm quite happy overall. I still have lots of work to do, but don't we all? There's a way out, but you have to work really really hard to get to it. I don't like telling people what to do, but if you want to solve this issue of violence, I can point you in the general direction. Here's what you need to watch out for. You have a great deal of shame and rage bottled up inside you. I'm guessing you're not particularly aware of the degree to which you've repressed your emotions. Pick up some books on psychology and work through them. I'd recommend John Bradshaw's "Healing The Shame That Binds You" and Charles Whitfield's "Healing The Child Within." Alice Miller's work is also quite good. Stefan's "Real-Time Relationships" is a must-read. You may think that these books are for "sissies" and weak people, but you should grit your teeth and work through them. Do all the exercises and start journalling. Right now, you don't really have access to any emotions that will provide the motivation, so you'll have to rely on willpower alone until you start trusting yourself a little more. Think of it as a job. In the long run, you must find a way to get into therapy. Try to save up some money and look for therapists that have a lot of experience with severe physical abuse. Healing the abuse that you went through requires the help of a professional. You must absolutely get away from your current place even if it's only a little violent. In my case, I went to a different country altogether. Staying in a place that reinforces your childhood experiences will destroy all the hard work that you're putting into self-knowledge. Violent people have a way of sensing what you went through. You project all of it through your body language and they can pick up on that subconsciously. If you're in a violent environment, you'll attract the violent people in it. You are the bloody piece of meat that is thrown in the shark tank. I can walk into a room full of people, and in a matter of a seconds, I can tell you which are the ones to watch out for. Bad people tend to have the same sensitivity, but they're not particularly aware of it. I hope this information will be of use to you. Once again, I'm really sorry that you went through this hell. Stay strong and I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this nightmare!
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