My life has never been more stressful....caution, headache alert!

[The Wall]

Im going through a long divorce with my life. I moved out of the state due to several things I felt I couldnt control. Part of these things may have to do or may not have to do with severely life damaging, life altering decisions that may have crossed my mind, that I felt an utter lack of control and yearning to do. And this particular state of mind occured any time I felt anger or would feel anger, instead I felt enraged and outraged. Im currently super far away from her, and the court case hasnt finished. There is a child involved, to which ive abandoned, ive left this child with this crazy-making, highly volatile, highly aggressive, emotionally catastrophizing, terribly insane and anti-rational, physically violent, verbally acidic and highly intoxicating, nauseating, puke in your mouth and poop in your pants, kind of woman. Of course, this says a lot about me to have been with this kind of woman for so long and now to have deserted my child. Its really hard to talk about, I know what I did was wrong but the shame I feel towards this decision is nagging me every waking and breathing moment. The most disasterous anddisabling thing for me is that I know id be an exceplent father. The poor thing is is im poor. My wife left me with the car after conception of our child. She lived at her moms house half a dozen miles away, and was living with two men - a brand new step-father, and a brother, both of which have a very violent history to which they both are actually proud of. Her mother is also a very religious nurse whom is savvy with laws and I think was planning this all along while my wife was pregnant, perhaps sooner. I am just appalled by this whole situation. Im happy im typing about it but im devastated and overwhelmingly sad about this. How could this woman I married and impregnated just pick up and leave and take our child away from me? Lawfully, she has no right to do this, but that didnt stop her. The night she left me I had to walk four hours at one a.m. in order to get to my minimum wage job and sleep an hour on the booth table and of course pretend I never did it. Im very careful of details and information release as this can all be used against me. I may edit or delete this post, or not even post this. My wife knows I was always into pro-self and changing my actions. I didnt really wake-up to the significance of my continuation of the cycle of violent and sufferring my.parents inflicted upon me until several months after our marriage, which I continually, curiously, gently, concisely and repititiously asked her very basic questions. However, I was attacked, shot-down, even belittled and condemned for just simply listening to Stefan Molyneux. I even had to hide my interest in philosophy, self-knowledge, and my pursuit towards understanding and changing my own actions. Its so stressful, and my wife initiated divorce, something im still regretable about. Imagine how strong I would be with a woman by my side? Im already a very strong person, most people in my shoes would have killed themselves are remained in their zombie trance for fear of consequences. However, one of the many downfalls of this, is im isolated. How many people can relate to my story? You know how lonely I am? How many people can possibly understand what im going through? How many people will actually read this and care? How many people will try to change their hostile rejection towards me? I dont know where to go from here. I cant reveal whqt I currently go through, because of fear of moles, and being to revealing could jeopardize my safety. It is this constant balance of visibility and invisibility so im not a complete ghost and that theres the chance of a smidget of emotional vulnerability and validity around others. My wife was a constant shark, with vulnerability and emotional or psychological motivational honesty being the blood. She would continually haunt me and make every vulnerability I had a grave mistake to express, but I had a delusional and systematically programmed fundamental failure of logic that lead me to believe she would change if I just defied her aggression with persistence. I always thought, that in the back of my mind was this kind of wicked idea that she would change. There was a lighy switch in my wife that was off, I had to turn it on for her. I had to raise the volume on my own relentess desire towards honesty and vulnerability and eventaully she would hook onto that, be envious and curious enough, effortful enough to attempt it on her own. To her credit, although it was aggressive, she did reveal very truthful things and engrained psychological things, that I felt like a hardcore reasoning and emotionally crazed Mike Tyson, biting her air off to get it from her. This is a sad and tragically hopeless situation for me to admit at this time. All these actions reveal flaws of thinking, which have lead me astray. It is indeed like im lost in the ocean, grabbing onto anything thar floats with hope I will make it to a thriving island! Such a blind and ignorant sort of defeat! At leadtni havent perished and will not ever perish! I am a God of reason.and commitment, except when it comes to my daughter at this point. I propose im here to be offered support and encouragement towards my commitment towards living and breathing while attempting virtue and reason, and for the future of society. Im in a great big panick emotionally and spiritually apart of me is severely wounded, the heart monitor may read close to death... im not suicidal, im just bankrupt of energy, my head is pounding and im stressed all the time. I travel to work by foot, I work mostly on my feet, and I work with someone who is a hardcore sociopath. These things have added to the stress. Not to mention, my parents are acting as gossiping trolls, and siding with my wife as well as other family members. My question is, whose there to side with me? Whose gonna help me do the right thing? I cant do this on my own. Im a trainwreck, allbeit a platinum, high-quality train-wreck, nevertheless pretty devastating and dangerous. Something is hugely wrong and still needs to be fixed. I dont know what else to say, how much more detestable and terrible could this situation be? How much more difficult could it be? How much more gut-wrenching and nightmarish? How many more tossy turny nights? How much more lonlieness? My fear of my wife is debilitating. Im scared to even be present on the phone in court from thousands of miles away. Im terrified of her hostile and wacky criticisms and the gossiping that will follow. I need to file a restraining order on my own parents so they wont bother me at work. This is incresible. Guys, a little help?........

Let this be an addendum. I would like to alse state that I think my actions are heroic and admirable, as well as slavishly and submissively ugly. To habe physically left my daughter over a thousand miles is by far an extraordinary confession of defeat on my part. I dont know how, I may habe saved my own life, its truly hard to tell. This court case is so long and exhaustive. Government and society are so condemning and detestible. I hate everybody in general, with a prefacing exception to communities like this. I have a low tolerance for almost everything though in my life at this point. I dony find anything humerous and I know that this situation is hugely impacting my emotional status, but ive been like this since I was very little. My father always said, dont get married or have children, its the worst mistake you could ever make. I feel as if im doing what I believe my father did, but he wont honestly talk about this with me. My parents hqve lied to me about everything under the sun where they could have revealed a lack of accountability. I think my dad was oberdue on child support and wqlked back qnd forth to work because his license was revoked. Going as far as walkinh alone at night, on the highway in his mid thirties, to get to and from work. I guess these crazy genes I have may have came from him in terms of attempting to changw the world for the better. Focus my good dear Hobbit! My father also told me I had three other brothers, that I never saw and he just up and left. He said it like it was nothing, but also looked at me, keying in for any resistance, anger, outrage, disapproval or disgust, so that he could violently.threaten me in the same way. I was the emotional crutch, and I believe that I had one of the upper one percentile of.tormenting childhoods. I was in constant fight-or-flight, and my parents continually said and did things ro my friends that caused them to disown me. Most of my friends would then altogether ignore me in school and be silent toqards me even if I directly talked to them. Growing up I always believe, and even now, that it was all me. There was just something, if I did differently, it would all change for the better. How could my parents have hammered and devicivly extinguished my soul in such a way? How could I have been so empty and.vacuosly accepting of this treatment without a shred of skepticity or irony towards them? Ill tell you how! It.wqs.confiscated, it qas robbed from me! I was violently opposed for just asking questions, threatened with being physically battered with ashtrays, to drink my own.piss in.front.of school mates! I dont understand! How could someone so willingly break me and thwn talk abouy sports and criticise me for staying up ten minutes past my bed time?! What a bunch of fouls! Trully cowardace and crazy-making behavior! I am going to beat the crap out of a chain-linked fence with a hard rubber house I bought from home depot. I scream and let out rhis rage I feel towards these injustices! Could you believe these people threw my six year elder sister on the floor, my father whipped her over twelve times while my mother punched her face full of bruises upon her capture at her friends house! Omg how petrified I was at eleven years old to view such horrors! Im so scared but am in peberage for this emotionql honesty compared to these emotional numbed out characters. These blocks of ice with spikes in their hands to thrash about.innocent children! Its no.wonder im willing to abandon mu daughter. I should duly note, I am.innocent of moral.treason..im innocent of being as horrible as them... I must be.... but the proof is in the pudding, but how can I ask yall for help? If any of you are to comment and offer advice, if its contrary to my own thoughts, I will probqbly just write you off as not understanding or not k owing what its truly like to live in my shoes! Of course you dont! Why does that matter though?! Im trying to avoid change. Im scared, miserable but I dont think im depressed, im just in a state of crisis. You watch for spears! I currently, due to financial reasons, live with three roommates whom are accomplices of violent. A couple who falsely claim their married are constantly rhreayening to kill each other, sta b each other, and have even stqbbed and strangled and hit each other! Im constantly scanning for this when im in thouse to ready an escqpe plan. I dont feel.safe to even.sleep there! Im afraid they will - out of a drunk, unemployed rage, break down my.door and stqb me for drug money! Everyone in the house is unemployed and sells drugs and hustles stolen goods! I dont share my stuff with violent people either nor do I trust people who have sex and sleep.with sociopathic people with sharing fridge food with me. I have no cooked or refridgerated foods because.im.scared they will poison or spit in.my milk, or ill be pissed at how theyve moved or stolen my eggs, I even have to keep my.cookware in my room to prevent them feom burning and.scra try ching.it! Im just so angry at the world for this being allowed! Why is there no help for people.like me in need?! Why?! Why was I threatened by a police officer with jail upon visiting my daughter at a police station?! My daughter only started crying upon seeing my wife and the police officer told me.to give her to him or else hed arrest me.... thqt was the last memory of seeing my daughter.... I hate police, I hate people.... but im sorry. Im sorry this community has to hear this story, or has to deal with the space being taken on their website. Im sorry I dont.donate and im sorry I dont.care more. I mean that genuinely. Im also.sorry to my parents, that I wont be like them. I am not sorry that the grim.reaper isnt allowed to.eat my soul! Im so confused and torn. What is nexr?! My head ache appears to be getting.worse. my cry for help, louder...

[MysterionMuffles]

Perhaps if you divide your post into paragraphs Ill give it a read.

I dont mean to be insensitive but the only headache is the aesthetics of your post. I read some of it and its a bit heart breaking, however its hard to keep up with.

[NeoEclectic]

TLDR wall of text

[Mishelle]

What a catastrophic set of challenges you are trying to face, Wall, it's very raw and difficult to read but I think it's still good for you to get it out in whatever way feels right to you.  It's nearly impossible to do these things correctly.  It's very clear how distressed you feel and no one here will really be able to help you but yourself, but know that yes, there are people listening and people who care and who have been in similarly low positions.

 

There's a couple things that immediately stand out for me and I hope my words might offer some wisdom or comfort.  You are speaking in a very victimized language, and in this mindset you will not be able to see possibilities, only more and more problems keeping your position feeling impossible.  First you must know there is a solution.  Then you must feel you can affect change.  Then you must sacrifice to make those changes.

 

Easier said than done, right?!  But just take it one step at a time, don't look all the way up the mountain right now.  First you need to get some stability in your life, and a therapist.  You made some poor choices that led to this mess and you've got to get to the bottom of that before you do anything else.  This will help you get out of victimization mode.  

 

Is there no one in your life to help you with the immediate burdens, like a better job or place to stay?  Try to write us a new rant focused only on solutions, how far can you get?

 

And I would definitely call this a state of crisis, personally