Real-world ethical question - coworker might have been abused

[Seleneccentric]

I've run into a tricky question that I don't quite know how to answer to my own satisfaction. A coworker of mine has been missing from work for nearly a week, and they recently showed back up with a recovering black eye, a cut on their cheek (that I have the experience to identify as one having likely come from a closed-fist strike), and generally looking humiliated and depressed. My instant gut reaction was that this person has been hit, possibly by their partner, who I believe is somewhat emotionally unstable. Of course, no one said a word. As far as I know, this person is unlikely to be receiving any support, and it is killing me to be a part of the wall of silence that imprisons victims.I had an impulse to bring the issue up directly, but decided that this might be too frightening, my coworker being somewhat skittish and shy. After some reflection, I considered leaving an anonymous note along the lines of the following:

 

[Name], the way you looked when you came into the office made me think that someone may have used violence against you. If that's true, I want you to know that I do not approve of their actions. If I am completely mistaken, or if you do not wish for anyone to intrude on your affairs, please disregard this note. If however, you wish for help from a sympathetic ally, please find my name and cell number on the back of this note. Text me, and we can arrange to talk about it in any context that would make you feel comfortable.

 

The question in my mind is whether this action will do more harm than good, or whether there is a still better course of action to take. Furthermore, I question whether I have any specific responsibility to act, or whether this aversion that I feel is in fact cowardice. I'm hopeful that the community here might have some helpful advice or similar experiences to share. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

[SoberEnough]

Maybe it is better to reach out to the person in general instead of confronting. My experience with people in abusive relationships is that the recipient of the violence isn't exactly a victim but more like a person comfortable with living in a cycle of abuse.

 

I think it is a little audacious to have faith in them to heed sober advice when they are in that type of environment. This type of thing also has ways of getting yourself into some trouble.

 

Befriend them and just be a positive influence.

[Guest Exceptionalist]

Maybe it is better to reach out to the person in general instead of confronting. My experience with people in abusive relationships is that the recipient of the violence isn't exactly a victim but more like a person comfortable with living in a cycle of abuse

 

 

No bro, he is more likely a target rather than a victim, cuz a victim is merely an object incapable of protecting itself.

[Lians]

I think it's important to recognize that you don't have the skills to deal with this kind of situation. You may, in fact, make things worse. There are experts who dedicate their entire lives to helping people like your colleague. What you can do is look up some statistical information, local domestic abuse hotlines, organizations that deal with physically abused people, group therapy for violence victims and anything else that could be of practical use. Anything that you'd like to have if you were in the same situation.

 

After you've done your research, you can leave an anonymous package containing all the information you have gathered. You have to have a really strong bond with that person to directly influence their decision. Even then, you'll have to deal with all the crushing shame. I think it's better to let them make a decision based on the presented information without involving yourself personally. If you think you can breach the wall of shame, by all means, talk to them instead of relying on anonymity. Thank you for caring.

[Dave Bockman]

Take them to lunch, take them for coffee, take them for an after-work drink, create an entre for the discussion.

 

Acknowledge your feelings of awkwardness, openly state it's none of your business, then just say what's on your mind. Let them know they're under no obligation to say anything to you about it, but that you're concerned.

[Seleneccentric]

Thanks all for the advice. I really am trying to be realistic about my ability to improve the situation. I think that I will take the route of simply trying to intentionally be a positive in their life, and open up the space for a conversation if it becomes possible. Oddly, the prudent and responsible route seems to be more onerous than the rash one, but it also seems well worth doing.