My friend needs help, and FAST. Possibly has Stockholm Syndrome. How do I break this to her?

[Melissa McWilliams]

Hi all,

 

I've had a friend for almost ten years now, to whom, for her privacy's sake, I'll simply refer as "K." Simply put, her life is and has always been a complete wreck... and she needs help. Now.

 

She and her family came to America from Russia when she was 7 years old, having not taught her enough English even to speak with her classmates on a basic level. She became my friend—the only friend I’ve had, save for one other—when I was the only one to comfort her, welcome her and play little games with her until her English was developed enough for us to begin communicating with words.

 

We enjoyed each other’s company very much. We had daily conversations and walks around the park at school recess. We sat next to each other in every class, drew pictures and made jokes. However, we never talked about anything much further than clothes, anime, and other nonsensical interests that very young girls have (except dating and even “crushes”—although the school wasn’t a religious one, to my knowledge that stuff simply wasn’t going on there even among the oldest students, fortunately).

 

We’d talk every day until we graduated junior high in 2008 (it was a K-8 school). She went on to government college, bypassing high school. I went on to be home/un-schooled, until I lost interest and turned to working instead. We became very dissimilar—polar opposites, even—but we’ve still maintained a little bit of contact. It wasn’t until recently that I found out the following about her...

 

Her family has not gone through one, but now two divorces since K was born. I know absolutely nothing about K’s biological father (I don’t even know if he is alive or dead). Her stepfather, however, is distant, verbally abusive, neglectful and quite possibly physically abusive as well—when he is not off working in Chicago or New York or Hong Kong. Her mother is also very neglectful, off visiting her friends and shopping pretty much all day long. As a result, K’s daily life is a boring, lonely drudgery of meandering through aimless college classes (including psychology) and playing online games in her spare time. And as a result of that, she has been on and off a cocktail of psych meds to treat her inevitable depression, inflicting her with a host of health problems, including chronic insomnia.

 

When K was 12 years old, she met a boy on an online game. They have had a relationship since then; she’s 18 now, and he’s 19. In the six years they’ve been “together” (he lives all the way in Mexico, so she’s only seen him a couple of times), he has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards her, posting videos and pictures online of himself engaging in romantic activities with multitudes of other girls, and then lying about it. They have frequent fights over the phone (the topics of which I do not know), which end with K in tears.

 

Now for the truly horrible part.

 

Last time K spoke with me, she told me that her mother strongly disapproves of this boyfriend. K desperately wants to go to Mexico and see her boyfriend again, but her mother gave her the following ultimatum: if K wants to see him again, then she must marry him. To make matters worse, K truly feels that this boyfriend is the right “man” for her to marry, and is now planning on moving to Mexico with him.

 

Yes, a horrible excuse of a mother who has been through at least two failed marriages, who abandons her child, is now essentially forcing this young woman to MARRY a boy whom she knows is an abusive asshole—just like K’s stepfather.

 

I know that a true friend would pour her heart out to K and tell her straight up that she’s on a horrible path, that this boy can only spell trouble for her, that her parents are abusive and neglectful. I don’t know what I’m waiting for; she needs me to tell her this. Now. However, I’m worried that her defenses will only be raised—and I won’t be able to help her in time.

 

Please help.

 

Melissa

[Kevin Beal]

Wow, I'm really sorry Melissa

 

I'm not an expert in any way about this sort of stuff, and I don't know you or her well enough to say for sure, but it seems to me that if you want to let her know how you feel about this, but don't want to trigger her defenses, I think you should tell her something like what you've written above.

 

That you are really concerned for her, are afraid of how she might take it, and that you think she is making a mistake.

 

I am willing to bet that she will feel defensive about it, I probably would. But if you focus on communicating your message to her, the very real potential for the problems you are seeing, I think that's all you can really hope for. You cannot make the decision for her, or control what she thinks of course. So however brilliantly you do it, she may still decide to go.

 

I think that the most compelling cases are the ones where you are as honest as conceivably possible, which may sound like a no brainer, but it's a hard thing for me to do much of the time. So, unless you have a diagnosis from a professional, I would avoid telling her that she has stockholm syndrome (and even then...). In fact, I would avoid conclusions as a general rule. She cannot deny your honest thoughts, feelings, concerns. She can only deny your conclusions about those feelings and concerns, if that makes any sense.

 

I think that if you focus on what's honest over what's going to be (possibly) effective, then at the very least you can feel true to yourself in communicating all this to her.

 

I could be wrong about all that, so if your gut tells you otherwise, it's probably for a good reason. 

[ribuck]

My suggestion may not be practical, but it's what I'd consider doing if I were in a similar situation.

 

How about suggesting that the two of you go to Mexico together? You can go sightseeing, and she can meet her guy. Whenever she comes back to the hotel she can pour her heart out to you and work through her feelings.

[NeoEclectic]

I think that's terrible and irresponsible advice considering the current political and social climate of Mexico. That's all I'm going to say about that.

 

Irrational people tend to be irrational regardless of what logical or wise words anyone has to say. Most only learn through failure while others will never learn.

 

I've seen this behavior before in young girls that have had destructive family lives. In most cases, the father is absent and/or abusive to some degree. For example, I currently know of a girl called "L" that in desperation for love and admiration intentionally got pregnant twice hoping that having a baby will force the men to love her and to stay with her.

 

Well, she was wrong both times and even still she's trying for a third time using the same tactic. L is currently 21 and neither father is in her life or the lives of her children. She's convinced that if she continues with the same tactic that eventually she'll get what she wants. Quite sad really.

 

Your friend needs help of the professional kind. She also needs support and love.

 

I've seen presenting people with a "2nd" option sometimes have an effect, or presented with a different example.