Social Fear and my girlfiend

[dcowboys107]

This is an incredibly long story but here it goes in a nutshell.

 

I met my girlfriend over five years ago on a penpal website to practice Spanish.  She contacted me first and we have been friends and subsequently lovers later.   Even though I wanted just to practice, I couldn't help falling in love her-someone who was 3,000 miles away on a different continent. . .

 

Even though I love her, our culture has such a stigma associated with the internet and meeting people.  For some people it's seen as dangerous and there's a 99% chance that the other person is just there to take advantage of you or whatever.  I'm sure that's true for some cases but people's irrationality in this sphere amounts to huge social pressures.  In addition, I've heard comments such as "mail order" and other thoughtless remarks. Again this is just a classic case of two friends becoming something more since all we had were our words (at first).  In addition, I always have felt like a prisoner in my society and culture. I had very few good friends I could confide with and my interests and hobbies were not shared by many.  Also I felt like I could never really be who I wanted to be and felt repressed from so many directions.  With her I was able to open up and not feel judged or shamed or anything. It was a freeing experience and was transcendental for me.  I knew after just a few months that this was the right person for me even though we had never actually met.

 

To continue, after a year I finally manned up and went to see her and her family.  To my friends/classmates I just simply told them that I was going on an exchange program while my family more or less knew the general truth (not all the details). 

 

 When my mom noticed that things were getting serious, she began using a lot of fear/police tactics (as was not uncommon in my high school days) such as intercepting our letters and reading them which mortified me to know that my privacy had been so abused. On numerous occasions she tried to bar me from going using things like pregnancy risk or that they were going to "kidnap" me or whatever.  This just added to my anxiety and general unhappiness.

 

This and other social pressures relating to internet dating still create great fear and anxiety in me. I have a good friend or two that know the truth and accept it (I trust them 100% because I know they won't judge me) but others I dread telling them anything.  When asked I literally go into flight or fight mode since I feel so embarrssed over how we met.  I hate going to social events where I know someone might ask.

 

To finish,  she is coming over for Christmas (her second time ever coming).  When she came in the summer it was literally just us and a few friends in town. With Christmas there are so many people in town and old classmates especially that I'm now honestly dreading to confront many people since I feel embarassed.

 

Are my fears irrational?  I've tried reasoning them out and what not and know we've done nothing wrong. However, people's irrationality, etc I feel drives a lot of social pressure: "I'm not sure there's a god but going to church is expected and I don't want to appear as bad."  "Meeting people on the internet is just plain weird.  I've seen that tv show were pedophiles get baited to molest a minor, etc". 

 

I know she and we deserve better. I think she's just wonderful and it pained me so much to tell her I was embarrassed about how we met. I think that upset her too since she thinks I'm wonderful and the greatest thing that has happened to her.  I want to give her a 100% here and not be upset or scared because I fear these encounters.

 

I know there are no positive rights to anything.  So am I justified in saying that even though these social stigmas are driven by irrationality, I just want to enjoy the three weeks that she's here and just be/see people I feel comfortable with and gain pleasure from seeing? Or am I just being childish by not wanting to have to face the same (embarassing) question time and time again which honeslty cause me some shame, etc. If I'm being irrational/childish is the truth deserving? Or is a plain "we met while on vacation" or something sufficient?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond. I'll be more than happy to follow up if you have any follouw up questions or are in need of clarification.

[aFireInside]

I think its weird if you don't meet in person but you meet her a number of times already . 

So i don't think there is anything weird about it .

 

I think that you might feel that way because your parents disapprove of her and 

Subconsciously you have to obey her rules because you live with her.. 

 

Imagine if you didnt live with your parents. you probably wouldn't care. 

 

Another theory is that maybe you know that the relationship isn't real 

and you get scared of someone knowing or finding that out .. 

 

those are my thoughts .. I hope they helped ... 

 

 

We need more information of your environment .. Your family etc.. 

[Wuzzums]

Well if you're so concerned with what others might think then the answer is simple: dump her. I mean, what's the point? the reason why you're with your girlfriend is social acceptance anyway, right? So why jeopardize the much needed opinions of other people for the sake of someone who's company you enjoy.

 

Right?

[NeoEclectic]

To start I've dated a girl I met over the Internet for 5 years. And I mean actually dated. I have 3 friends that met their spouses online and they're all still married with families.

 

I'm just throwing that out there to point out that these kind of relationships can be successful though still not completely accepted as a social norm. There are communities of people where these ideas are accepted and considered common so think about that for a moment.

 

If you're in an environment where you feel this is not something you can overcome then you either dump her, move, or just accept the criticism.

[Mishelle]

I think it's just great you met on the internet and it's developed this far and it's maybe even a inter-cultural relationship (wasn't clear to me)-- I say, Bravo to you both!  Shows courage and a sense of adventure, I hope it works out for you.

[cynicist]

Are my fears irrational?  I've tried reasoning them out and what not and know we've done nothing wrong. However, people's irrationality, etc I feel drives a lot of social pressure: "I'm not sure there's a god but going to church is expected and I don't want to appear as bad."  "Meeting people on the internet is just plain weird.  I've seen that tv show were pedophiles get baited to molest a minor, etc". 

 

I know she and we deserve better. I think she's just wonderful and it pained me so much to tell her I was embarrassed about how we met. I think that upset her too since she thinks I'm wonderful and the greatest thing that has happened to her.  I want to give her a 100% here and not be upset or scared because I fear these encounters.

 

I know there are no positive rights to anything.  So am I justified in saying that even though these social stigmas are driven by irrationality, I just want to enjoy the three weeks that she's here and just be/see people I feel comfortable with and gain pleasure from seeing? Or am I just being childish by not wanting to have to face the same (embarassing) question time and time again which honeslty cause me some shame, etc. If I'm being irrational/childish is the truth deserving? Or is a plain "we met while on vacation" or something sufficient?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond. I'll be more than happy to follow up if you have any follouw up questions or are in need of clarification.

 

This is not to be critical but why is it a shameful or embarrassing thing? It is true that there are risks with meeting people on the internet, because obviously there is no guarantee they are who they claim to be. However, you have met her in person and it seems like you two like each other just as much (if not more) than you did over the internet. If your old classmates or whoever try to shame you for finding someone that makes you happy in an unusual way, then fuck them, because your happiness is more important than their opinions. If they don't understand it's not your job to explain it to them, that's their problem.

 

I can tell you two things for certain:

 

Calling yourself childish/irrational is not helpful

Trying to control the reactions of other people to manage your feelings is not healthy  

 

You also said your mother tried to stop you from seeing her using fear and paranoia. Do you think she may have anything to do with the feelings of shame? Even though other people's opinions don't matter I think that getting to the origin of your feelings is important.