Bad memory, procrastination and panic attacks

[Stefanfan]

Greetings great fellows of self-knowledge and philosophy.

 

I have recently joined the board of Freedomain Radio and have been chatting a few times in the chat room ever since. I have instructed people in the past to a better self-knowledge, yet that is something I have yet to obtain myself. Usually I like to be in the helping side so this is very non-habitual of me to ask anything in a forum (especially given these days of Google and Bing.)

 

Stefanfan 101: I’m a worker in his twenties from Western Europe. I wish to begin studying my favorite pastime, philosophy, in the near future of life, since I’m interested in presentation, mind-boggling subjects and virtues. Start-up business like developing innovations is another thing close to my heart. However, the weight would ideally be on philosophy. I’m intelligent and athletic, but far from perfect. My childhood was rough with a violent family and poor conditions. I had nor have little to any power to say anything in home as the youngest – I think that has something to do with why I have a problem in taking independent action; however I’m a fast doer when someone commands to do something (though sometimes I panic a bit amid it.) The home’s quality was nothing to be proud of: it had a lot of mold that has cast awkward injuries to me, albeit frankly they’re not common – wet red eyes or a bleeding nose, both randomly and often during situations when I’d least want that.

 

In my path to university-level philosophy there is one major obstacle, bad memory. Comprehension is not an issue, I can think that ”Aha, so that’s  how you do it.” about something in the book, but a day after forget it altogether. Not always but all too often. Then in the exams, I’ll do poorly albeit I have read a lot for it. I have come to think if it’s because of lack of self-discipline, though it’s not that I would do any better if I prepared for it in a class instead. Actually, hours spent reading alone might be more effective for me, as long as I read as much as I’m supposed to. (Well, there's a lot to develop in that regard.)

 

Stefan’s latest podcast about procrastination has been helpful to me and now I realize everything is more about dedication than anything. I still do have a problem of being late constantly – bills, meetings, personal plans – can’t deny that.

 

Last, there is panicking. It doesn't happen daily either, gratefully, and it can also be beneficial sometimes: but  e.g. when my angry boss tells to do this or that (we have a hectic environment), I might sometimes panic so that instead of doing a lot I do nothing at all, i.e. I take a small break albeit we’re in a hectic situation.

 

Well it’s not just that. Better example: if an authority like a teacher used to ask me a tight question while I was with a couple of my friends spending a recess in school, I would just blush and be very submissive. That would be humiliating for my friends too and sometimes a great laugh. It was all too common. Albeit I can be nervous, I'm one of the most patient people I've ever met. Perhaps though, if I procrastinated less, I would also panic less.

 

My primary question would be – how can I become a great student? The two other issues come after that. I'd like to read your thoughts on this, as I can't analyze these objectively. Much appreciated

[cynicist]

Welcome to the forums. I had similar issues with procrastination, panic around those who try to pressure me, and memory difficulties (thought not quite the same as yours), so I may be in a good position to help you, if only in self-awareness. Firstly, why do you want to become a great student? Do you enjoy school? Do you have memory problems when it comes to studying philosophy on FDR, or is it mostly in school? Is it only when you anticipate being tested on that knowledge, or can you recall these ideas if you want to share them with others out of passion? 

 

In regards to procrastination with bills and so on, you described having little power in your childhood. So I'm safe in assuming that you grew up feeling as though everything was forced on you, you had no say in the matter, and you resented that strongly, correct? Do you feel a strong desire to please others, sometimes at your expense? Have you read RTR, specifically the bit about Simon the Boxer? That is a pretty good summation of what you are going through I suspect. If you'd like I can explain it with examples, just let me know.

 

I can tell you for sure you are suffering from being stuck in the past to some degree, mentally. How do I know this? You are panicking when someone who has power over you gets angry or tells you to do something, does that sound like your parents at all? Your panic is not due to procrastination, it is due to being trained to compliance by your abusive parents. The best way to deal with this in my experience is to first put responsibility for what you are dealing with in the right place. I have a feeling that all three of your symptoms stem from the same place, which would be your childhood. Once you can come to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong with you fundamentally, that these problems are not your problems, but wounds that were inflicted through abuse then you can start to see things more clearly. You can identify these feelings as defense mechanisms, which protected you as a child but are now hindering you in your adult relations, so there is no need for shame or self-attack. In fact you can praise yourself for developing these, because you are now an adult which means you survived your childhood. You made it!

 

These people that are shouting at you, they are just adults like you. They are not the towering giants that your parents were when you developed your responses. You have options now that weren't available to you in the past. They may seem threatening but if they actually tried anything, you could get away from them or call the police. I had a problem with this myself, and after doing some self-work I just laugh at these tactics, I feel pity for them. They only know how to threaten, humiliate, or submit to someone with more power than them. They are trapped in this hierarchy while you have retained the capacity to collaborate with others and come up with genuine solutions to problems instead of bully people. I want you to know that you can overcome this with practice. 

[Stefanfan]

Welcome to the forums. I had similar issues with procrastination, panic around those who try to pressure me, and memory difficulties (thought not quite the same as yours), so I may be in a good position to help you, if only in self-awareness. Firstly, why do you want to become a great student? Do you enjoy school? Do you have memory problems when it comes to studying philosophy on FDR, or is it mostly in school? Is it only when you anticipate being tested on that knowledge, or can you recall these ideas if you want to share them with others out of passion? 

 

Thank you very much for taking your time to a profound response and a warm welcome. I would like to become a great student because I know that I can be a good, innovative teacher and I want to make reading philosophy pleasant to the average students. I do enjoy school, especially the atmosphere in a university that is full of people I like to be with. To think of it, I probably have more potential in being an entrepreneur and a developer of something new (than in teaching philosophy) but I would be more satisfied with philosophy (exclusively or along with product development).

 

In regards to procrastination with bills and so on, you described having little power in your childhood. So I'm safe in assuming that you grew up feeling as though everything was forced on you, you had no say in the matter, and you resented that strongly, correct? Do you feel a strong desire to please others, sometimes at your expense? Have you read RTR, specifically the bit about Simon the Boxer? That is a pretty good summation of what you are going through I suspect. If you'd like I can explain it with examples, just let me know.

 

 

Well, I do have problems sometimes trying to recall the focal points in e.g. a podcast Stefan Molyneux has put forth, or I'll just remember a few points of an hour long podcast. Then again, that might be enough in many cases.

 

I most certainly can recall the ideas slightly better when I want to share them with others out of passion. But even then I can't recall everything regarding the subject, so it probably won't be a full coverage of the subject. Perhaps my memory is normal, if you will, in that regard.

 

I have yet to read RTR, but now that you mentioned it, I most certainly will at some point. I would greatly appreciate if you could sum up the message of the bit about Simon the Boxer before that, though.

 

I can tell you for sure you are suffering from being stuck in the past to some degree, mentally. How do I know this? You are panicking when someone who has power over you gets angry or tells you to do something, does that sound like your parents at all? Your panic is not due to procrastination, it is due to being trained to compliance by your abusive parents. The best way to deal with this in my experience is to first put responsibility for what you are dealing with in the right place. I have a feeling that all three of your symptoms stem from the same place, which would be your childhood. Once you can come to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong with you fundamentally, that these problems are not your problems, but wounds that were inflicted through abuse then you can start to see things more clearly. You can identify these feelings as defense mechanisms, which protected you as a child but are now hindering you in your adult relations, so there is no need for shame or self-attack. In fact you can praise yourself for developing these, because you are now an adult which means you survived your childhood. You made it! 

 

These people that are shouting at you, they are just adults like you. They are not the towering giants that your parents were when you developed your responses. You have options now that weren't available to you in the past. They may seem threatening but if they actually tried anything, you could get away from them or call the police. I had a problem with this myself, and after doing some self-work I just laugh at these tactics, I feel pity for them. They only know how to threaten, humiliate, or submit to someone with more power than them. They are trapped in this hierarchy while you have retained the capacity to collaborate with others and come up with genuine solutions to problems instead of bully people. I want you to know that you can overcome this with practice. 

 

Nervousness makes me a bad haggler too, e.g. when buying a car.

 

Yes, or more likely just one parent, since my father was never there. In one of the few memories I have of him he spanked me pretty hard. But my mom and siblings have been more violent post-divorce. 

 

Hmm... It is brilliant that there is hope. I could say that the road won't be a short one.

[cynicist]

Thank you very much for taking your time to a profound response and a warm welcome. I would like to become a great student because I know that I can be a good, innovative teacher and I want to make reading philosophy pleasant to the average students. I do enjoy school, especially the atmosphere in a university that is full of people I like to be with. To think of it, I probably have more potential in being an entrepreneur and a developer of something new (than in teaching philosophy) but I would be more satisfied with philosophy (exclusively or along with product development).

 

That sounds like a great thing to do. Why do you think you are procrastinating then? 

 

 

 

Well, I do have problems sometimes trying to recall the focal points in e.g. a podcast Stefan Molyneux has put forth, or I'll just remember a few points of an hour long podcast. Then again, that might be enough in many cases.

 

I most certainly can recall the ideas slightly better when I want to share them with others out of passion. But even then I can't recall everything regarding the subject, so it probably won't be a full coverage of the subject. Perhaps my memory is normal, if you will, in that regard.

 

I have yet to read RTR, but now that you mentioned it, I most certainly will at some point. I would greatly appreciate if you could sum up the message of the bit about Simon the Boxer before that, though.

 

Haha I love Stef's podcasts but you aren't alone, I think everyone relistens to them in order to get everything out of it. 

 

Basically the Simon the Boxer story involves a guy named Simon who is physically abused by his parents. Since he is completely helpless to change his parents as a child, as well as unable to change his environment, he focuses on changing the only thing he has any power over; himself. So he adapts to the control of his parents by controlling his emotions, and ends up focusing on their needs over his own. As Simon becomes older his parents become less controlling (since their power is waning) and he begins to feel like he is lost and helpless, because the source of his direction in life is now fading. That is, until he gets into a fight. Now he feels a familiar sensation, and all of energy and skill he has developed in controlling himself comes straight back, and he feels normal again. Where other boxers may feel fear in the ring, he feels stability, and the longer he is out of the ring, the more anxious he becomes. So he becomes trapped in this vicious cycle based on his history. 

 

I would definitely recommend Stef's book as I am paraphrasing it here, but I'm sure you see the parallels between this story and procrastination.

 

 

Nervousness makes me a bad haggler too, e.g. when buying a car.

 

Yes, or more likely just one parent, since my father was never there. In one of the few memories I have of him he spanked me pretty hard. But my mom and siblings have been more violent post-divorce. 

 

Hmm... It is brilliant that there is hope. I could say that the road won't be a short one.

 

Were there a lot of verbal put downs too, or was it mostly physical? It will take a long time for sure, after all we are trained by abuse during the most important years of our lives, and for over a decade. It wouldn't make sense to recover from that in a short while, so remember to be gentle with yourself if you slide back or make mistakes. 

 

Last, there is panicking. It doesn't happen daily either, gratefully, and it can also be beneficial sometimes: but  e.g. when my angry boss tells to do this or that (we have a hectic environment), I might sometimes panic so that instead of doing a lot I do nothing at all, i.e. I take a small break albeit we’re in a hectic situation.

 

 

I forgot to add that one thing which really helps me in these situations: Panic in my experience is a kind of snowball effect, where in your mind you are imagining a disaster scenario that keeps spiraling out of control. The best way to try and counter this in my opinion is to look at it from a third person perspective, as if you are examining the inner mind of another person. When you start to feel the panic ramping up, rather than continue thinking about whatever disaster is on your mind, focus on the panic itself and be aware that it is occurring. Remind yourself that the panic you are experiencing is just an automatic response that you learned over time and that you can unlearn eventually. The simple action of taking your focus away from the disaster scenario will help lower the intensity of your emotions and speed up your recovery while also reminding you that what is happening to you is in your mind and not necessarily an accurate reflection of reality.

[Jami]

To answer one of your questions, to become a great student is exactly what you said self control. You have to put aside the time and devotion to study. That means at least 3 hours a day 4x a week (by my standards), and to each his own. You and you only can and will accomplish your greatest goals and aspirations if you apply yourself. If you are lazy in life you will have lazy outcomes. This is one of those things that comes from within yourself. If you dig deep enough you can find the dedication it takes to be the strongest version of yourself. If I can do it, Dammit, so can you. So, take a step in the right direction. Apply yourself.