wdiaz03 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Bob was a High school friend, we spent a lot of time together, played sports, video games, you name it. He spend time at my house and I would spend time at his house etc. We was tight! When I started college Bob started working in IT and we saw each other less ,we kept in touch by email.After college I got married and so did Bob. Contact dropped off and I noticed he was slow at replying to my emails. About 4 years ago I stopped by his new house, we made small talk and I left after a few mins. Eventually he stop replying to my emails. About 2 years ago I bumped into a friend of Bob and I asked how he was doing, that he no longer replied to my texts or emails. He said that people change etc. and that he had a kid recently.A few days ago I get a text from Bob wishing me a happy birthday.Bob - Happy birthday bro.Me - Who is this? Is this who I think it is?Bob - Its Bob fool.Me - Oh wow, so great to hear from you.Me - I though about you a lot, I thought you wanted space or something, what made you reach out?.....Several minutes passMe - Drop me and E-mail if you want to catch up. Thanks again for the birthday note.----- Next dayMe - Hey reply, Or do I have to wait until next bday to hear from you?Now this behavior irritates me because I would never ignore someones texts or emails. I always make an effort to reply as soon as I can. Specially someone who I share so many years of my life with. I don't know whats going through his mind, I'll I can judge is the behavior and it show little empathy. It seem to me that there's little left of the friendship we had and that it can probably never be salvaged. My question is how do I move forward?Should I do nothing and if he ever texts me again just ignore it and not bother, Or should I tell him how I feel and recommend that if he is going to act that shallow that it is better to not even contact me again? I appreciate your input in this matter since this guy could have dropped his phone on the toilet for all I know. What are the odds?
BrianBrian Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Have you considered calling him and asking him how he feels?
wdiaz03 Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Have you considered calling him and asking him how he feels? Thanks Brian, Yes I have. But I want to sort out my emotions first, I wanted to get the forum's perspective to explore all possible angles. For example, I talked this over with a friend and asked her if this seemed like a shallow "bday text" from him. Just like the "How you doing" that people engage with at work etc. Her words "Yeah its super shallow, he was not expecting your curiosity and now is recoiling back". Well she has a good point. but I can understand that from a coworker. Where after the "how you doing?" you start telling them how you are really feeling. But from someone you spent years with it seems like a slap in the face. I much have rather him not contact me at all that have this meaningless texts once a year.
Greg1 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Well obviously his wife and kids are his new priority. But from what you said it sounds like he doesn't consider you good friend anymore but more like a "facebook" kind of friend. I agree about asking him for feedback though before you make a snap-judgment.
BrianBrian Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 This might be a good opportunity to call him and share your confusion and frustration and ask for his thoughts and feelings on the matter. Would be good experience in real time relationships.Exploring all hypothetical angles seems like avoidance. I'm in a very similar position with my high school best friend, where I have been the one to call and check in on him every four or six months for the past years and am just realizing what this likely means. I have texted and facebooked with no response. One thing left to do, and that is to call. Until I call I am just shadow boxing and mentally masturbating and avoiding the next necessary step.
wdiaz03 Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 This might be a good opportunity to call him and share your confusion and frustration and ask for his thoughts and feelings on the matter. Would be good experience in real time relationships.Exploring all hypothetical angles seems like avoidance. I'm in a very similar position with my high school best friend, where I have been the one to call and check in on him every four or six months for the past years and am just realizing what this likely means. I have texted and facebooked with no response. One thing left to do, and that is to call. Until I call I am just shadow boxing and mentally masturbating and avoiding the next necessary step. I hear you, But there's value in doing a little self knowledge prior to confronting him. For example, do you know if you want to keep the relationship as is? with him dropping a note here and there whenever he feels like it? how do you respond to that? Or do you rather drop the pretenses of a relationship and clearly state that this shallow chick chat is not for you? Like I picture bumping into this guy on the street some day. How do you respond to a "Good to see you?" or "How are you doing?" Do you say "Good, man Thanks, I have to run, bye" etc. I'm still processing all that.
cynicist Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I hear you, But there's value in doing a little self knowledge prior to confronting him. For example, do you know if you want to keep the relationship as is? with him dropping a note here and there whenever he feels like it? how do you respond to that? Or do you rather drop the pretenses of a relationship and clearly state that this shallow chick chat is not for you? Like I picture bumping into this guy on the street some day. How do you respond to a "Good to see you?" or "How are you doing?" Do you say "Good, man Thanks, I have to run, bye" etc. I'm still processing all that. Well? Would you want to continue a relationship with him if he continued to act exactly the same way? I wouldn't. I feel the same as you in regards to replying to someone promptly. By promptly I don't mean drop everything to do it but as soon as you have free time. The only people I don't respond to asap are people I don't want to talk to, and usually I don't respond to them at all. This isn't to say you should drop the relationship, but clearly it feels weird and is kind of annoying for you. You know that for certain at least. You already asked him if he wanted to catch up, and then left a passive-aggressive reply for him as well. I would have waited to see his response but the same thing applies even now. If you two actually meet up then you can get into this, but if he doesn't say anything I would say your friend is correct and this guy is not interested in you in particular. It sucks but sending him more messages would be a waste of time. As for meeting him on the street, just remind yourself that he's not treating you like a friend so why should you feel obligated to go through the motions? I would just ignore him, probably with a look of confusion on my face. Anyway, easy for me to say but it's another thing to deal with in real life, sorry for your difficulties. (I have gone through something similar)
Longshot Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Nostalgia is a motherfucker. We always long for what once was, but sadly we can never recreate it no matter how much we thing it's ideal. I too & many other's have suffered from this desire, however hindsight tells me that we should learn from the past & instead concern ourselves with the future. Obviously, easier typed than done.
wdiaz03 Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I received a text from Bob today, he says he was sorry and that his phone was action up, that he just got a new phone so he will be in touch. After given it much thought I think that what bothered me the most initially was not that I missed the old days, but the fact that I was friends with someone that could act so shallow and show little empathy. I would have been fine with a "Now is not a good time, maybe some other time, etc". I feel a lot clearer now, even before receiving this new text. I have no idea if he will ever get in touch and it really does not matter much at this point. I left the ball on his court. If he returns it I'll play it from there, if he doesn't so be it. Thanks again.
cherapple Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 The last thing he said to you on your birthday was "fool." Perhaps that's a "joke," or some kind of language between (male?) friends that I don't appreciate or understand, but my question if someone called me "fool" would be to wonder why I'd want to be friends with a person who called me names when I asked a genuine question. How did you feel about being called that?
wdiaz03 Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 The last thing he said to you on your birthday was "fool." Perhaps that's a "joke," or some kind of language between (male?) friends that I don't appreciate or understand, but my question if someone called me "fool" would be to wonder why I'd want to be friends with a person who called me names when I asked a genuine question. How did you feel about being called that? Hello, Yes, growing up we called each other names (not just Bob, but among everyone in the group), It was sort of a slang, like saying "Word up dawg?" I think it must have come from a LA mexican neighbor which was always saying that. To answer your question I felt just like if he would have said "Its me, bro", Looking back I can see how this is sort of silly. but the key is the intent was not to say I am a fool.
Holo Cene Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Why do you feel like you owe a person who doesn't answer you back anything? I think it is a valuable opportunity to examine the emotions that are brought up by the whole situation.
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