No Life Purpose

[Pepin]

This is an issue I've been struggling with the last two years, but more so in the last six months as the question has been much more pressing. For anyone who is interested in my family history, I wrote a rather lengthy post about it here. There was a recent podcast that has been really ramping up these thoughts. First I'll describe what I am going through now as it is likely not unrelated, and then I'll describe the issue in more detail. Hopefully it doesn't seem like a mess of thoughts and stories.

 

I'll be 23 in a month. I lost years 19-21 from being home-bound due to constant panic attacks. I have $15,000 in debt that I have been paying off from my one year in college. Though the debt is my ultimately my responsibility, my therapist has told me that it really doesn't seem like it was my fault for incurring it and is rather the fault of my high school and my parents for refusing to help me. I would agree and also add that at the time I was on a very large amount of unneeded seizure medication, I was almost always tired and in a haze, constantly fighting off the non-epileptic seizures.

 

I have been living with my parents, now just with my Dad since they are getting a divorce. He is an alcoholic who no licence due to a second DUI who watches the news loudly almost all the time he is home. I have been wanting to defoo for the last two years, but it has been rather inconvenient because my Dad takes care of all of my expenses and doesn't charge rent which is the only thing allowing me to pay off my debt with the amount of money I am making. When I was making a more money and when my parents were together, I attempted to move out, but my Dad brought me into his room and emotionally manipulated into staying, and now that my Mom is gone, I can't really leave until he gets his licence back.

 

I really have a difficult time introspecting to find what I want to be, to find who I am, to find what actions I ought to take. It is rather strange to describe because I continue to get the sense that I am without a self.

 

In school and for most of my life, I had taken up so many random interests and would get rather decent at it, and then would move on to the next thing. For a while drawing was my interest and I spent a long amount of time practicing and creating some pretty good works of art. Then it was computers and I became quite competent in building and repairing them at a young age. My freshman year of high school I found this program called Flash and I taught myself how to program in it and created a website to host my games and animations that most people seemed to really enjoy. I read a lot of books on the subject and became rather decent. I then began to take an interest in the guitar and in music and have spent quite a lot of time composing and practicing, and I left off at a point where people were really starting to like my music. Then my interest was economics, followed by philosophy, economics, and now physics and mathematics.

 

With people who know me, they recognize that I had a really easy time picking up new things and getting good at them. I myself really don't feel particularly constrained by my ability, but I feel immobilized in not having any clue what I want to do. There is a real lack of commitment as I feel like everything is a hobby.

 

I really don't like showing others what I can do, and tend to keep my work more personal. I continue to work past a lot of these feelings, but they are still there. It is like I'd prefer to keep everything I know and can do all to myself and not let anyone know about it. I can imagine this has something to do with my parents and school authority figures never encouraging me in what I was doing or even taking an interest.

 

Listening to various self-help advice and also the recent podcast mentioned earlier, I find myself totally blanking out on figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know I don't want to be where I am now, but when attempting to imagine where I want to be in the future the problem is not only that I can't imagine what I'd be doing, but also that I can't even imagine myself.

 

In a psychological test I had done, the results concluded that I had very little sense of self. At the time I didn't agree with because I know a huge amount about myself, much of the introspective knowledge coming from an isolated childhood. Yet when I attempt to grab the hand of who I am, I feel as though I a trying to pull up a ghost.

 

Hope this post made sense. I think part of the solution is getting away from my family, but I feel like there is a deeper problem. Thanks for reading. It is a bit of a long post, and I am really hoping that people can relate. I always feel a little better when I find I'm not the only one with this issue.

[ThomasDoubts]

     I can help you with one thing.  You are definately not alone.  I feel you on several levels. 

 

     My parents are divorced, but have been since I was 10 or 12 maybe.  I'm 25 now.  I split time pretty arbitrarily between staying at my mother's and father's house.  My mom is just beginning her 2nd divorce, and my dad's 2nd marriage has been getting progressively more on the rocks, so to speak. 

 

     I've been thinking about a DeFoo from my dad for a while because I don't particularly enjoy being around him.  He's a "recovered" alcoholic.  I feel guilty about doing it, in part because my younger brother has been estranged from him for several years and my dad has no idea how to deal/cope with that.  My brother's perspective is that he was done irreconcilable harm, and he'll never forgive his parents (or anyone for that matter) for anything, despite genuine attempts to reconcile differences/make restitution/family therapy/etc.(just my mom on the therapy, my dad is almost violently opposed to therapy.  Repression is the key to his survival).  It's been years and I can tell anytime my brother's name comes up he feels absolutely heartbroken.  I won't say my brother was unjustified, but my dad never had any ill will, he's just an insecure idiot child in a mans body.  It makes me feel anxiety because I don't want to hurt him if I were to DeFoo, like it's some vengeful, hateful, disowning thing.  It's more like I just want some more space; let's visit on the holidays or something, but he'd prefer to be in my life much more often than I would.  I guess that's not really a DeFoo, but minimizing my Foo . 

 

     On the other hand, he gives me a place to stay when I want it, and doesn't charge me rent.  I'm only employed part time, and the cost of living in my area is outrageous.  I've gotta move out of parent's place, like yesterday, but I need to make more money for that to even be possible.  I've got $40k+ thousand in federal student loan debt that I haven't been paying on regularly ($400+ a month). 

 

     I definately lack a concrete career path/goal.  My education was Econ/Finance but I find so much of that industry to be corrupt and perverted.  I respect Peter Schiff for example, but he admits if he had to start his business today, he wouldn't stand a prayer.  FINRA is so disgusting.  I even applied there a few years ago on a whim thinking I'll just try to do absolutely nothing and see how long I last lol.  They must have sniffed me out as an outsider.  Ahhh, that could have been my contribution to the world.    I've really been working on some innovative ideas lately, but they aren't really fully fleshed out yet.  I feel like I'm just in this working in isolation/stall pattern waiting or hoping to make a breakthrough. 

 

     I used to have a "self" that I could easily define.  I was Mr. sports guy from about 8 years old to about 23.  Super outgoing, voted class clown in school, charming, witty, life of the party, cocky extrovert, flirt with women like it was second nature.  Now, I find defining myself as much more difficult.  I know what I believe, but I've completely lost interest in many of the things that used to make life enjoyable for me, and a lot of things really lost meaning for me.  What I used to think of as funny turned out to be what 17 year old public school kids thought was funny.  I realized, I was just an ass.  I stopped being an ass, but it turns out most people I encountered liked assholes as long as it's directed at someone else.  Shouldn't I be rewarded for not being an ass?  I used to be brimming with self confidence, and now I really find self confidence to be a struggle.  I've empowered myself with all of this knowledge and I'm seriously lacking confidence compared to my past ignorant and assholish self.  What's that all about, ya know?  I'm much more introverted, in total opposition to the extroversion that made up the first 20 or so years of my life.  Occassionally, I'll have this shyness that feels so foreign to me.  Trying to flirt with women has become this daunting, uncomfortable, anxiety provoking task.  I don't want to give it a bad rap, but this self knowledge thing has been tough.  Ignorance was a lot more fun, and socially rewarding, and stress free. 

 

     Anyhow, what is my self today?  Hard to say.  I feel like a goldfish in a tiny fish bowl.  I need space to grow, and whatever I grow into, that will be my self.  When I think about where I want to be in 10 years, I don't pull up anything specific.  I just know I want to be doing something meaningful.  I want a woman to share my life with, and I think I'd like to have a kid(s).  The way I look at it though, is I gotta get myself figured out and on a path somewhere before I start looking for people to share that with.  Or at least find likeminded people to help me along the way.  What would really be great, is to find me a "Suger Momma," ala Big Daddy.  Ideally, she'll have virtue and a few million dollars of inherited wealth, and we won't "have" to work.  We can just be in love, be loving parents, and do things we enjoy, spread truth vs. the hourly 9-5 robot work.  I just have to figure out where to find this woman

 

     I hope this helps some, I really identified with a lot of what you said, and I'm trying to work through some similar things.  I suspect getting away from the family would do more than anything else, but I don't really know.  As you said, it may be something deeper.  Someone more knowledgable than I will have to weigh in on that. 

[Pepin]

Thank you for your reply, it does make me feel a lot better. Also really liked the part about getting a sugar momma.

[Holo Cene]

I went through some similar issues you had in your childhood, though not quite as severe. My parents were completely uninvolved in my life, my dad abandoned us and my mom was a complete narcissist. No thought or care was given to my well being, needs, emotional life, dreams, goals. No questions and no awareness. I was not a person to my mother, just an implement of her will. The problem is that my inner life, my personality never realized itself. It never had room to grow as I had developed a personality and built it to be completely at my mothers beck and call. When I tried to break away from this I would be completely paralyzed because I had no idea what I wanted or what made me happy. After listening to Stef for 5 or so months, i realized that I had no emotional life. I had completely shut it off, and did not even register emotions. My feelings were of no relevance to my life. I have been trying to rebuild that inner life, by slow process and work. 

 

I think one of the problems, like mine is that you do not have an inner life. You therefore do not know what makes you happy, or excited. These emotions are what guide us to our goals and our desires. They are worthy of knowing, and of nurturing and caring for, as they had not been when you were young. 

[PatrickC]

Yes, it sucks to be in so much debt.. left home at 16 and had 3 jobs to keep my head above water just paying the rent. I will say however, it was the best decision I ever made. On an aside philosophy, self knowledge, it all comes with an obligatory journey through darkness at times. My advice will perhaps sound unhelpful at first. Just keep being conscious of yourself brother (as you are) and hold those that recognise your struggle, very close and very dear.

[Pepin]

...I think one of the problems, like mine is that you do not have an inner life. You therefore do not know what makes you happy, or excited. These emotions are what guide us to our goals and our desires. They are worthy of knowing, and of nurturing and caring for, as they had not been when you were young. 

 

Thanks for the reply. I find the part about lacking an inner life really interesting. What exactly is the context for the term "inner life"? Is this in the mecosystem/IFS way, or another use like to describe the ability to access thoughts and feelings?

 

My advice will perhaps sound unhelpful at first. Just keep being conscious of yourself brother (as you are) and hold those that recognise your struggle, very close and very dear.

 

Thank you for the encouragement and advice. I will take it.

[Lians]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, but I think you've got the entire thing backwards. You're not going to find yourself when you're surrounded by the people who erased you. Do you think you can write poetry amidst a thunderstorm? I used to have this illusion that I could take little FOO dives and come out just fine. Boy was I wrong...

 

I was already spending most of the year away from my parents, but when I went back for 3 months over summer, my illusion was completely destroyed. I became so dissociated that I spent most of the time outside playing sports and working out. I did it all to stay away from them and suppress my feelings. I was incredibly disoriented. What scared me the most is that I wasn't aware of any of this until I left. Truth is, the more sensitive you become, the more such an environment is going to suffocate you.

 

It was only recently that I started excavating my self. It's a slow and difficult process. I don't think you can do it when you have to interact with the people who damaged you to this extent. They're not going to benefit from you changing. They're not going to allow you to change.

 

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this situation. I know how tough it is. My only advice is to be proactive and to put first things first. Think of the things you can control and focus your energy on them. You can't will yourself into finding what was once taken away from you. You would have done that already. Instead, look for ways to get out and become financially independent. Keeping the cost-benefit in mind, even a shitty job doesn't seem bad if it gives you some time away from your family.

 

Your dad is going to realize what's going on fairly quickly, but you can lie to him about your true goals until you're ready to get out. I told my parents that I wanted to become my own man because I was looking forward to settling down ("What kind of girl will date a guy who lives with his parents and doesn't make any money?"). In all fairness, that was actually true.

 

Once you're out, start compiling a list of all the things that you weren't taught as a kid. The habits that you didn't develop. Negotiation? Communication skills? Deferring gratification? Systematically planning and executing? Measuring progress? I could go on, but I think you get the picture. These are all skills that are very important for your future success. Be proactive about acquiring them. I can't tell you when you're going to start finding yourself, but it's not going to take too long.

 

Personally, what really helped me find the willpower to go through all this was the image of my future self. I imagined myself in the future, surrounded by my wife and children. I pictured their personalities and my endless love for them. My future children will never have to experience what I went through. I found this image so moving that, once I got a hold of my feelings, I asked myself the following question: How do I get there?

[Slavik]

Hi, I sympathise with your feelings fully, I do understand, I have the same thoughts.  As usual I will only speak of my experiences, and hope that it might ring a bit of truth, or give you something to look to. 

 

So in summary.

1) Self discovery, for me it is a very important step, through self discovery and looking back at my childhood and how I was as an adult, in short, I found a need for therapy

2) Therapy- self therapy combined with therapist (a coach), allows me to fully experience my feelings and understand myself that much more

3) As of right now, Im on a journey where for the first time in my life, I asked myself what would make me happy, I do not mean in the current moment as in, I really want a cookie, I mean in the sence of what would make me happy in life.

4) Very important point though, as hard as it might be, but you will not get to the number 3 without going thrrough 1 and 2, 1 and 2 will make it all very clear for you.

 

I wish you strength, and hope you know that there are many who really understand you.

You are not alone.

[Holo Cene]

Thanks for the reply. I find the part about lacking an inner life really interesting. What exactly is the context for the term "inner life"? Is this in the mecosystem/IFS way, or another use like to describe the ability to access thoughts and feelings?

 

 

 

 

For me it was just beginning with emotions. I picked up Nathaniel Brandon's book about self esteem as Stefan had suggested and am going through it slowly. The main thing that I started doing was just actually trying to recognize what my emotions were. I had lived my life without them and had no idea what I felt, or when I felt or how I felt. Nothing, I had never processed any of it. The first thing that happened after this was I started having vivid dreams and then I would try to analyse the content to see what my unconscious was trying to tell me. This is from someone who never remembered any dreams, the self relation was non existent. I haven't really applied to any one principle as I'm just exploring. I know instinctively that I can't rush it even if I wanted to.

 

Let me tell you about a fragment of a dream that helped me to understand something about my inner life. I saw vividly in my dream a shrunken woman, she was young but completely wasted away and had wrinkled skin and her breasts were tiny sagging limp. She was completely naked and seated with her body turned away from me. I awoke and immediately began trying to understand it because I didn't want to forget the dream as that usually happens by morning. I interpreted the woman as my inner nurturing, the embodiment of how I mothered myself. She was emaciated, and in pain. She lacked the nutrition of her breasts and was facing away from me as if I had turned her away. I needed to grow and to feed and keep healthy this part of myself as I had neglected myself for so long. I needed to treat myself like a mother would, gentle and kind, with assurance and with love. 

[NeoEclectic]

Maybe you are fulfilling your purpose in life and just don't know it. Butterfly effect.

[MrCapitalism]

Your inner critic would really like to speak to you.