Benjammin Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I have on two separate occasions been called intimidating by coworkers. Once my manager and once a women that is of equal position as I am. I do get along with both of these folks. I am not really sure where this is criticism is coming from. I wonder if it could be part of the reason that I have such a hard time meeting new people. I am not sure what details I could share that would allow people to comment on the situations. One thing could be when people come to me for help that I ask them to review the thought train that got them to me. People might be irritated by that as they are just looking to pass off the issue and continue on about their day. I think I have their best intentions at heart. I want to make sure that they have thought through on their own all possibilities that I know they are capable of. Also I guess I have the belief that I am no more capable of solving an issue than anyone else. In the IT industry pretty much all the answers are available on the internet. Or though following the process flow of any particular system. I have less school then a lot of these folks but I still manage to get the job done.
Greg1 Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Just a guess, but from what Stefan has said about IT people is that they aren't the best "people" persons. Maybe these problems they have are with dealing with other people which isn't solved by doing a google search. They could be looking towards you to be a mediator and they see you bouncing the problems back at them as intimidating.
Marcus Clarke Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 One thing could be when people come to me for help that I ask them to review the thought train that got them to me. People might be irritated by that as they are just looking to pass off the issue and continue on about their day. I think I have their best intentions at heart. I want to make sure that they have thought through on their own all possibilities that I know they are capable of. Also I guess I have the belief that I am no more capable of solving an issue than anyone else. In the IT industry pretty much all the answers are available on the internet. Or though following the process flow of any particular system. I have less school then a lot of these folks but I still manage to get the job done. What do they say to you directly after you ask them to review their train of thought that brought them to you? Why are you guarding your knowledge from fellow employees?
Benjammin Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Greg1, Interesting thanks! Just to be clear these are IT folks as well which might speak to your point. Marcus, I ask them if they have tried step a, step b, step c and then they answer the questions or tell me they have not tried. Why do you say that I am guarding my knowledge? I generally don’t have any more specific knowledge about the issues then the folks coming to me.
Pepin Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 I'm having a difficult time in being able to formulate a response. Based on the post, I am having a rather difficult time of getting an impression of what you are like. As your post indicates, you are also pretty confused. I am not sure if you will get an accurate answer on a board for these reasons, so my suggestion would be to ask the people who called you intimidating why they think that. Ask for examples of behavior so that you can get a good idea of what they are talking about. If that sounds too intimidating, ask a few close friends who know you quite well about it. It may happen that they are misinterpreting you. For instance, a lot of people initially get the impression that I am talking down to them. After talking to a good friend who knows me quite well, he told me that he can understand how people might interpret that, but that it isn't something I do. What is really happening is that I simplify matters to an extreme point in my head and I explain it how it is in my head, and when I explain things the way I understand them, they think I am choosing to explain it in this way because I don't think they are intelligent enough for the fast explanation. Essentially, I've internalized the "explain it to a five year old" principle, and so by its nature the explanation sounds like it is meant for a five year old. It really isn't that bad, but upon realizing this I've worked to improve the translation of my "five year old style understandings" into something that sounds more adult. Of course I am dramatizing my example, but I suggest being open to the remark and being willing to change, but to also to identify what they are seeing. Again, I think the most important thing to do is to talk to someone who knows you well, or better, the people who made the remark.
Benjammin Posted December 11, 2013 Author Posted December 11, 2013 Thanks Pepin, I agree that it tough for anyone to respond to this question with the information that I provided. I actually questioned posting it for a while. I can sure try to ask the woman that told me I was intimidating (the other person is no longer with the company) but this is not always easy for me to do. Also I find that some people might have a hard time relating why they think something like that. I do have a tendency you be very strait forward and tell folks just how I see things without much of a sugar coating. Not in a nasty or abusive way but in an honest way. The woman that told me I was intimidating has laughed about the fact that I do not have much of a filter. It might be this is coming off as intimidating to folks.
Lians Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 Thanks Pepin, I agree that it tough for anyone to respond to this question with the information that I provided. I actually questioned posting it for a while. I can sure try to ask the woman that told me I was intimidating (the other person is no longer with the company) but this is not always easy for me to do. Also I find that some people might have a hard time relating why they think something like that. I do have a tendency you be very strait forward and tell folks just how I see things without much of a sugar coating. Not in a nasty or abusive way but in an honest way. The woman that told me I was intimidating has laughed about the fact that I do not have much of a filter. It might be this is coming off as intimidating to folks. You weren't really straight forward with them in this case though. You're clearly concerned about being perceived as intimidating and you don't know why this is happening. Be honest and curious. When they called you intimidating, you could have replied with something along the lines of: "You know, you're not the first person to call me intimidating. I'm concerned about that. I certainly don't want to be intimidating. Can you tell me more about what prompted this reaction in you? Was it something I said? My body language? I can't figure this out on my own."
Marcus Clarke Posted December 11, 2013 Posted December 11, 2013 when people come to me for help that I ask them to review the thought train that got them to me. People might be irritated by that as they are just looking to pass off the issue and continue on about their day. I think I have their best intentions at heart. I want to make sure that they have thought through on their own all possibilities that I know they are capable of. Also I guess I have the belief that I am no more capable of solving an issue than anyone else. In the IT industry pretty much all the answers are available on the internet. Or though following the process flow of any particular system. I have less school then a lot of these folks but I still manage to get the job done. I misunderstood the "when people come to me for help that I ask them to review the thought train that got them to me" as something different than "I ask them if they have tried step a, step b, step c and then they answer the questions or tell me they have not tried.". so my suggestion would be to ask the people who called you intimidating why they think that. Good idea. Also I find that some people might have a hard time relating why they think something like that. How do you know that? Did you ask someone and they told you that they could not describe it to you?
Stephen C Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 I'm reminded of this therapy session demonstration with Fritz Perls...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y5tuJ3Sojc
Benjammin Posted December 12, 2013 Author Posted December 12, 2013 Lians, I am concerned about being seen as intimidating. I believe this is generally viewed as a negative thing. I did actually state to the woman that she was not the first to tell me that and that I did not understand where it was coming from. I did not dig any further than that. I wonder what the best way is to reopen the discussion on the topic. Or if that is even a smart idea. Probably just asking, what prompted you to say that I was intimidating? I am still quite sociable with the women so it’s not a show stopper issue. It’s just personal curiosity on why two people would say that to me. Also I wonder how many more are thinking it. Marcus, I guess it was just an observation or maybe an assumption. I did state that I did not understand why they thought I was intimidating but did not push the issue much further. Stephen, I will check that out. Thanks all for you ideas and input!
Cornellius Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 My mother said the same thing about me when I got more emotional on the phone. She said I was scary and obviously she played with that. Black hats are worn by villains of course! Such as David MJ Aurini. :S
Slavik Posted December 12, 2013 Posted December 12, 2013 Hi Benjamin. It might be helpful to understand that being intimidating is a concept, meaning that there are a lot of things behind it. What I have just said in previous sentence is precisely the reason why you are confused and here trying to figure it out. It might be very helpful for you to approach your boss, sit down with him and say this -"I need your help Mr. Boss, can you please tell me what you meant by that, becasue I dont want to be intimidating nor do I mean to, but Im not sure which actions made it seem that way" ---Just as an add on, listen to what he /she says, dont try arguing about waht they say (not saying you would, just saying in case). Listen to what they tell you, see if you have a better context to it, instead of a summery/concept (intimidating). If you need help with what they have told you, we will try to help you with it further. Gather as many specifics as you, who knows, you might not need help with it after all.
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