Three Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Disclaimer: this might not make a whole lot of sense if you are not familiar with Parts-WorkAs I was lying in bed the other night, I experienced a moment of insight, a kind of understanding that resonated on an emotional level throughout my gut, which is that I was beginning to fully comprehend the entire weight of the shame that I carry. Shortly after, I began reviewing a mental montage which contained the memories of behaviors, actions I've took, choices I've made and things that I do or avoid on a consistent and daily basis and found that the vast majority of things that I do, I do because I am operating on the premise that I am not good enough. That I am not interesting enough. That I am not valuable enough. That I am inherently unlovable. For example, when I go to the gym I hope that the addition of a toned physique will allow me to feel confident. When I play my bass guitar or sing, rather that play music because I enjoy it I will attempt to learn how to play advanced pieces with the desire that it will make me feel more interesting. The food I eat, however healthy it might be, is consumed with the expectation that my face will clear up so people will find me more attractive, rather than out of a love for my self and a desire to give my body the nutrition it deserves. Sometimes I might read books that are intellectually challenging, again not out of joy, but in order to correct a feeling that I'm stupid. Even the act of gaining self knowledge itself is at times not motivated by curiosity, but instead to avoid the guilt of sitting and relaxing for too long. And the feeling of shame is so restricting,claustrophobic and omnipresent. Because when you are acting on those premises, then everything you do sends information to the unconscious that just confirms the diagnosis, which affects you as negatively as any abusive self talk would. Perhaps an explanation for what was happening that night was that my true self was "unblending" from a shamed sub-self since I began observing myself from a third person perspective, with curiosity, compassion and without judgement. As I watched myself in these recent memories as if I was another person and felt sympathy. I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't watch myself and think "what a loser". And I want to know more of what is going on for that part who feels like he needs to add looks, talent, ect in order to feel whole. Why he feels like there needs to be Joel plus something else. Which reminds me, I use to be into transhumanism, which is abbreviated as H+ and is " intellectual movement with an eventual goal of fundamentally transforming the human condition by developing and making widely available technologies to greatly enhance humanintellectual, physical, and psychological capacities." Maybe I was into that stuff is because deep down a part of me felt like I need to enhance myself through external means. I also wanted to mention that I was going to just title this post "understanding my shame", which might indicate that an analytical sub-personality is present in this moment since analytical parts strive to understand and figure out things. So, not only am I aware of a shamed-self who motivates my behavior, but I am also becoming aware just now of an analytical-self who is striving to understand and synthesize these concepts. Which might indicate that my observing ego is growing stronger since the analytical part is not fully dominate and neither is the shame based part. I have an awareness of them that I didn't have just a few weeks ago. It's quite fascinating. Anyways, I think I'll post this. Perhaps some this might be interesting to people. Any feedback is welcome, I would love to hear if anybody else has had a similar experience.
Jami Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 This is a quite interesting topic. That fact that you feel so self insufficient is something that makes me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps this is a mere miss-communication amoungst you and your peers? I may be completely wrong. Hopefully, other people on this fine message board have some better advice.
Three Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 This is a quite interesting topic. That fact that you feel so self insufficient is something that makes me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps this is a mere miss-communication amoungst you and your peers? I may be completely wrong. Hopefully, other people on this fine message board have some better advice. Hey! Thank you for your response .I'm curious to know what is it that you found interesting, why you felt uncomfortable as well as what you meant you said a miscommunication amoungst you and your peers?
Jami Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 Dude! Your welcome (for nothing?) really what did I contribute to that comment?, What interested me the most was the bit about insecurity. That's what I picked up on through most of this email. "Understanding my shame" screams that out to me. You also mentioned "trans-humanism" and the "intellectual" movement. Do you feel yourself as someone that needs to be reinvented? That isn't smart enough to your own standards? I could be way off, don't take anything I say as offence.
Three Posted December 15, 2013 Author Posted December 15, 2013 Dude! Your welcome (for nothing?) really what did I contribute to that comment?, What interested me the most was the bit about insecurity. That's what I picked up on through most of this email. "Understanding my shame" screams that out to me. You also mentioned "trans-humanism" and the "intellectual" movement. Do you feel yourself as someone that needs to be reinvented? That isn't smart enough to your own standards? I could be way off, don't take anything I say as offence. There's a part of me that wants to be reconstructed, repaired, uncovered and to grow because I believe I deserve better than to live in shame, fear and insecurity for the rest of my life and that it is the right thing to do. There is also a part that feels permanently flawed and that wants to cover up, hide and keep from having these flaws exposed by distracting people with external things. So, I guess what I was documenting a trasition from an intellectual understanding that there is no external solution to the problem of insecurity in the abstract to a more richer emotional understanding that I experience in my gut. No offense taken, btw
MysterionMuffles Posted December 15, 2013 Posted December 15, 2013 I am proud of you, Joel, that is a huge step forward and is something really hard to admit to oneself. Feeling inadequate and filling that void with activities designed to be an attempt to mask that only makes those activities less joyful. Maybe you CAN achieve these things such as health, skill, and intelligence, but that goal must be more secondary than the blissful joy of being in the moment of those activities. Only then can those goals even be achieved. Being too focussed on an end result pretty much makes you miss out on the process that gets you there. For instance, when I play guitar, I've always had trouble creating riffs that are in 4/4 timing, and I've been criticized often that I'm hard to keep up with. I felt shame in that, like I was inadequate of a musician, until of course I discovered mathrock where the timing is meant to be unique. However, there are times where I still try too hard to make my riffs complex and unfollowable just so it's something only I can play to my self, to kind of...shield my self from the feeling of rejection I used to get when I fronted a band. I've now turned to playing bass in a band with simpler music, and I can keep up better having a limit on how many notes I can play before it just becomes a low and deep noisiness, and of course to simplify my technique since my hands are more suited for a guitar. I keep my complex mathy stuff to my self for fun and just contribute to a band with an instrument I'm less versatile in as to humble my self, that yes I can do some crazy stuff on guitar. But much like the over complicated music out there, it may be over reaching and it's more about technique than the music even speaking to you. Sorry for making it about me, but that's just how I related to it. I do enjoy your posts as they are filled with great insights I can reciporcate because I've been where you are to some degree. And yeah I get what you mean about those self defeating mentalities that confirm themselves. Because you're so busy trying to prove yourself wrong, that you end up proving your self right. Err did that make sense? I guess you're busy trying to prove your negative self wrong, that you end up proving it right because your positive self is buried beneath the self induced stress in feeling that you may never get to let the positive self have prevelance over your psyche unless prompted by external desires and goals.
EmperorNero Posted December 16, 2013 Posted December 16, 2013 Hi Joel. I am curious, have people during your childhood, your parents and people in school, treated you in ways that made you feel 'insufficient'? E.g., have you been rejected, ignored or ostracized a lot in ways that would have instilled the premise that you are not good enough?
Three Posted January 10, 2014 Author Posted January 10, 2014 My parents, for example, would scream and insult each other and harm me in the process by exposing me to such verbal violence. I wasn't worth it to them to go somewhere else where I would not hear the screaming. MM, that's interesting. I would phrase it like, 'by acting on negative core beliefs about yourself that are false, you are confirming that they are true and thus strengthening those neural pathways, which increases ones chances of acting on those beliefs in the future.' do you think that captures what you were trying to say?
EmperorNero Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 That is rough. But I don't think your parents as such considered you 'not worth being protected from verbal violence'. Rather, they lost willpower, and in such a situation they can't control themselves. Nobody wants a screaming match with their marriage partner. When it happens its because all control went out the window. Its not like they rationally decided 'lets have a fight, but sending out the kid isn't worth the hassle'. Most of humanity probably operates under the premise that they are not good enough. Thats what religion is about. What's special about you is that you are aware of it. Thats good.
Kevin Beal Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 That is rough. But I don't think your parents as such considered you 'not worth being protected from verbal violence'. Rather, they lost willpower, and in such a situation they can't control themselves. Nobody wants a screaming match with their marriage partner. When it happens its because all control went out the window. Its not like they rationally decided 'lets have a fight, but sending out the kid isn't worth the hassle'. People are not so completely retarded that they can't control the volume and venom in their voices.
Libertarian Prepper Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 People are not so completely retarded that they can't control the volume and venom in their voices. I agree. I know of many cases when parents are in a screaming match and upon seeing their kids, go to another room and close the door. Not a consideration my parents every gave me, now that I think of it, but definitely something that happens.
EmperorNero Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 People are not so completely retarded that they can't control the volume and venom in their voices. Oh, certainly they are. Have you read into the physiological effects of willpower fatique? People actually are powerless. And that generation was vastly more challenged in that regard than ours. Anyways, why not frame events in a way that makes him feel better about them?
Kevin Beal Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Oh, certainly they are. Have you read into the physiological effects of willpower fatique? People actually are powerless. And that generation was vastly more challenged in that regard than ours. Anyways, why not frame events in a way that makes him feel better about them? First off, I reject the premise that your phrasing should make anyone feel better about the situation. Surely "I couldn't control myself" is the excuse parents have for themselves. I suggest the child's perspective. And for a child, a parent who is out of control can be even worse. I just looked "willpower fatigue" up and it doesn't say that people lose control or are powerless. That's not at all what I took away from it. And I refuse to offer people platitudes. People need to know the truth regardless of whether or not it makes them comfortable or uncomfortable. The only reason I can imagine doing so would be to allay my own fears about the subject, which would be at expense of the truth and at the expense of his genuine experience (or a failure of my imagination). I don't know you, maybe you're a great person and if we knew each other we'd have great conversations and bla bla bla, but what you said is actually kinda messed up. I'm sure you have the experience of just trying to be helpful and / or supportive, but that's not actually how you do that here. In fact it's just the opposite. The more you minimize and excuse fucked up behavior, the more you enable yourself to do those same things. Never excuse anyone of shitty behavior without a really good reason. You and your children pay the price for that later on. What's wrong with "Oh my god, that's awful, I'm very sorry, please go on"?
Kevin Beal Posted January 23, 2014 Posted January 23, 2014 Ok, fair enough. Also, I don't mean to be harsh, but that's one of those things that really gets under my skin. So, if I was unnecessarily harsh, my apologies. I think it's an important one though.
Three Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I actually sat down with my parents at ihop last year and told them how I felt about the screaming. They didn't raise their voices at all during that interaction. They were quite gentle compared to how they've treated me in private. So, they can refrain from abuse when they really want to.
ribuck Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Joel, I have a hunch you would really enjoy this video by Tyler about insecurities:
Three Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Joel, I have a hunch you would really enjoy this video by Tyler about insecurities: Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I really look forward to the day when I'm that comfortable in my own skin. I felt really happy and inspired while watching.
giancoli Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Disclaimer: this might not make a whole lot of sense if you are not familiar with Parts-Work As I was lying in bed the other night, I experienced a moment of insight, a kind of understanding that resonated on an emotional level throughout my gut, which is that I was beginning to fully comprehend the entire weight of the shame that I carry. Shortly after, I began reviewing a mental montage which contained the memories of behaviors, actions I've took, choices I've made and things that I do or avoid on a consistent and daily basis and found that the vast majority of things that I do, I do because I am operating on the premise that I am not good enough. That I am not interesting enough. That I am not valuable enough. That I am inherently unlovable. For example, when I go to the gym I hope that the addition of a toned physique will allow me to feel confident. When I play my bass guitar or sing, rather that play music because I enjoy it I will attempt to learn how to play advanced pieces with the desire that it will make me feel more interesting. The food I eat, however healthy it might be, is consumed with the expectation that my face will clear up so people will find me more attractive, rather than out of a love for my self and a desire to give my body the nutrition it deserves. Sometimes I might read books that are intellectually challenging, again not out of joy, but in order to correct a feeling that I'm stupid. Even the act of gaining self knowledge itself is at times not motivated by curiosity, but instead to avoid the guilt of sitting and relaxing for too long. And the feeling of shame is so restricting,claustrophobic and omnipresent. Because when you are acting on those premises, then everything you do sends information to the unconscious that just confirms the diagnosis, which affects you as negatively as any abusive self talk would. Perhaps an explanation for what was happening that night was that my true self was "unblending" from a shamed sub-self since I began observing myself from a third person perspective, with curiosity, compassion and without judgement. As I watched myself in these recent memories as if I was another person and felt sympathy. I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't watch myself and think "what a loser". And I want to know more of what is going on for that part who feels like he needs to add looks, talent, ect in order to feel whole. Why he feels like there needs to be Joel plus something else. Which reminds me, I use to be into transhumanism, which is abbreviated as H+ and is " intellectual movement with an eventual goal of fundamentally transforming the human condition by developing and making widely available technologies to greatly enhance humanintellectual, physical, and psychological capacities." Maybe I was into that stuff is because deep down a part of me felt like I need to enhance myself through external means. I also wanted to mention that I was going to just title this post "understanding my shame", which might indicate that an analytical sub-personality is present in this moment since analytical parts strive to understand and figure out things. So, not only am I aware of a shamed-self who motivates my behavior, but I am also becoming aware just now of an analytical-self who is striving to understand and synthesize these concepts. Which might indicate that my observing ego is growing stronger since the analytical part is not fully dominate and neither is the shame based part. I have an awareness of them that I didn't have just a few weeks ago. It's quite fascinating. Anyways, I think I'll post this. Perhaps some this might be interesting to people. Any feedback is welcome, I would love to hear if anybody else has had a similar experience. Very interesting post. The first question that pops up in my head was: where you neglected by your parents. Did they pay any attention to you as a child? If they did was it on the basis of some rule that you had to perform and provide something extra besides your self? How do you post youtube videos like that by the way? If you use the link tool it only shows up as clickable text. I definitely have issues with PUA. Seems they are preying on mens insecurities regarding the sexual game. Also I have no respect for men putting so much effort into picking up women. There might be a lot of truths in their theories though. It might be a lye I'm telling my self, but I feel like I have to degrade myself and sink down to some low level, if I go to say a bar and act like that. It just feels insincere and fake to me. Has stefan explored why some people have an easier time lying than others? Going to a bar and pretending you are interested in what some hot woman is saying just to get into her pants is fundamentally lying. I simply cannot do it. Also I post the question of confidence as one overarching thing compared to theme base confidence, different levels of confidence depending on how good you are at specific themes or skill sets. In the social area I suspect most confidence is based on how well you are doing in the sexual game. That level of confidence will then be displayed unconsciously by your body language and women have evolved to pick up on that and analyze it. I also suspect, since women put so much emphasis on confidence, that men are more prone to self delusion when it comes to estimating ones own abilities. That's an idea I had, that seems rather plausible. Problem is if that delusion is hard to maintain you will become more and more separated from reality, you will have to put lots of efforts into maintaining that delusion, or you can crash and build yourself up based on actual stuff.
Three Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 @ gianoliYes, I was indeed neglected and I had pitifully little guidance or mentoring. In my early years I think my sister had more pressure to perform, but when she psychologically collapsed into pill addiction after a series of horrific traumatic events, such as being raped at a party, that role was implicitly moved to me in my later teen years. As a young child, I was the "under-achiever", fullfilling my mom's expectation that I "never do more than I have too" by never striving to be more than an A-/ B student, never taking on any extra responsibilities through extra hobbies and by only playing video games, watching tv and gaining weight by eating double stuffed oreos everyday after school. I don't really know how to post video's either :/. I've done it before but on accident. Also, I'm not sure why some people have trouble telling lies to others. I an tell you that I have a history of lying to women by pretending to be interested in them when I am not only to have sex with them. I also have been unfaithful in relationships. A possible reason that comes to my mind which might be relevant for this example is the same reason a fourty year old man who has been inadequately adored and affirmed as a child has multiple affairs, to make up for that deficiency. When I look back at my history of being humiliated and unloved by the women around me, I think that using women served a similar purpose to me. Reality distortion is usually a symptom of psychological wounds too, which is often portrayed in the statement "I'm not addicted, I an stop a any time" by alcoholics. In that example they are not lying to others, but rather themselves, but the reason for this is due to being traumatized as a child. Perhaps these men, while they do feel sure about their abilities in interacting with people, are also using their skills as a way to act out and seek validation as well. Because you'd think that the reason for becoming confident and to stop worrying about insecurities is to enable to you find great relationships. However, what these men are doing is going up to complete strangers and asking to kiss them. What's the point of getting over your insecurities if that's what you what to do with those skills? It's like learning leadership skills and expert debating and communication skills not to get a great career, a raise or promotion but to convince the lady who's taking your order at a fast food joint to give you a free large soda. So, being sure about your abilities to interact with strangers, which seems to be what women emphasize, is not the same has having self love because you are sure that you are a virtuous person. Although, I associate the two. I associate the way he interacts with people as self esteem, maybe because when my self esteem was low it manifested itself in fear of others.
MMX2010 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 My post may not be as deep as anyone else's, but my perfect motivation for working out (and sticking with it) is to treat it like a game, where I'm just trying to show off to myself that I can do it, and have gotten better at it than last time. There are also a couple of Stef podcasts about RTR - especially #981 that can help: http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_981_RTR_Reader_Conference.mp3 The best one-liners were: (paraphrased): (1) Stef, "I think you guys are reluctant to discuss FDR because you think we're living in a world where we're surrounded by irrational, hostile people and we're the few rational ones. But once you realize that what we're doing ISN'T WEIRD, your reluctance will disappear." (2) Stef, "Most people have no reference to reality other than the convictions of the people they're talking to; so if you think FDR is weird, they'll think FDR is weird." Stef's second quote can easily mean, "Most people have no reference to the reality of who you are other than your convictions; so if you think you're weird, they'll think you're weird."
Three Posted March 8, 2014 Author Posted March 8, 2014 I just listened to the podcast yesterday and found it very helpful. Thank you so much for sharing.
EmperorNero Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I just listened to the podcast yesterday and found it very helpful. Thank you so much for sharing. I noticed something. We are enabling you.You post a thread about how you don't feel you're good enough, and the community gives you podcasts and videos, as in "here, do this, maybe it'll make you better". (Not criticizing, just noticing.) But your entire problem isn't that you need to become better, your problem is that you need to realize that you are good enough. You can do that right now. The search is over, there's noting to find. Just a thought.Apologies to Kevin Beal for not responding to your post, but this is intense stuff for me too. I do so if desired, but I think that subject matter is kind of redundant now. I'd be happy to Skype both of you.
Kevin Beal Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I noticed something. We are enabling you.You post a thread about how you don't feel you're good enough, and the community gives you podcasts and videos, as in "here, do this, maybe it'll make you better". (Not criticizing, just noticing.) But your entire problem isn't that you need to become better, your problem is that you need to realize that you are good enough. You can do that right now. The search is over, there's noting to find. Just a thought. First of all, that's a very serious charge. And second, if it's true, you just did what you accused others of, which is hypocritical. You don't provide any reasoning. Simply telling someone that they just simply need to change their mind about something is unhelpful, at best. You are free to make any accusations you want, but back them up please.
Three Posted March 9, 2014 Author Posted March 9, 2014 I noticed something. We are enabling you.You post a thread about how you don't feel you're good enough, and the community gives you podcasts and videos, as in "here, do this, maybe it'll make you better". (Not criticizing, just noticing.) But your entire problem isn't that you need to become better, your problem is that you need to realize that you are good enough. You can do that right now. The search is over, there's noting to find. Just a thought.Apologies to Kevin Beal for not responding to your post, but this is intense stuff for me too. I do so if desired, but I think that subject matter is kind of redundant now. I'd be happy to Skype both of you. I appreciate your feedback and would be happy to skype one day, but not now because i only have internet access via public places. Looking back on some posts I've made, I think I was looking for reassurance and it's possible that I was doing that here too, but I don't feel that way. When I made this post I wasn't anxious and didn't feel like a great sense of urgency that usually is coupled with managing one's anxiety. In fact, I felt quite calm and happy. I do think you're right in saying that there is no external solution to the problem of insecurity. I still have a long way to go, but I've actually made great progress since I posted this in December.
MMX2010 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 I do think you're right in saying that there is no external solution to the problem of insecurity. I still have a long way to go, but I've actually made great progress since I posted this in December. This may or may not be helpful to you, because I'm only sharing something important I realized less than two minutes ago. I've been seriously under-estimating my own value, as both a person and an entrepreneur for years. And the cause for this is definitely my own insecurities (which, to be fair, were very much the product of how my parents neglected to teach me very important skills). Now here's the crucial part. YES, I feel very sad and very angry. But it's important that I only feel regret (which is motivating), and never feel shame (which is de-motivating).
EmperorNero Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 First of all, that's a very serious charge. And second, if it's true, you just did what you accused others of, which is hypocritical. You don't provide any reasoning. Simply telling someone that they just simply need to change their mind about something is unhelpful, at best. You are free to make any accusations you want, but back them up please. Well, I thought the reasoning was obvious from the thread. If someone is asking for advice on how to quit trying to become better, then providing him with material on how to be better ipso facto fuels his existing process. I advised him to quit that process. If I had provided instructions or an explanation, I'd be telling him how to become better. The only appropriate instruction, ironically, is to not provide any instructions.I appreciate your honesty and the challenge to my beliefs, and if I'm wrong or hypocritical I'm willing to discover it. But I don't agree at the moment. Frankly, I don't understand your post. It seems like projection. Or rather, meta-projection; you accuse me of the projection you are committing. (I say this with friendliness, just pointing it out for the sake of intellectual development.) You say I don't provide reasoning, while not providing reasoning for the claim that I'm hypocritical. You claim I accuse others of doing what I do, which ironically is the thing you thereby do. And you criticize that I make a serious charge, while making quite serious unsubstantiated charges.
Kevin Beal Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 [you Kevin are projecting] You said the problem was with the formulation "here do this, it'll make you better" and that fits the form you took in saying "here, look for internal solutions, it'll make you better". That's what I meant by hypocritical. The form isn't any different simply because the solution is different, right? And to elaborate on the other thing I said, about it being unhelpful to suggest simply that it's a matter of perspective that must be changed. What I mean is that you didn't explain where the error in thinking was, why it is in error. As the reader, I have no idea why you are suggesting it beyond that you think it is right. What you did instead was insult people who were trying to offer insight into a problem by calling them enablers. And to insult the OP by suggesting that he's unconsciously conspiring to be enabled. And now that I'm projecting. These are some very strong statements that require a deep understanding of psychology. If you possess this knowledge, then please do share, if not, then I'd ask you to "discover it" as you said you would.
Three Posted March 25, 2014 Author Posted March 25, 2014 I'm starting to think now that it was a mistake to say that the shame was "mine." I carry the shame of my parents, their parents and I carried the shame of my ex roommate, who I had known since childhood. Shame was inflicted on me. I, with humility towards my flaws, am awesome .
RachelAnn Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Disclaimer: this might not make a whole lot of sense if you are not familiar with Parts-Work As I was lying in bed the other night, I experienced a moment of insight, a kind of understanding that resonated on an emotional level throughout my gut, which is that I was beginning to fully comprehend the entire weight of the shame that I carry. Shortly after, I began reviewing a mental montage which contained the memories of behaviors, actions I've took, choices I've made and things that I do or avoid on a consistent and daily basis and found that the vast majority of things that I do, I do because I am operating on the premise that I am not good enough. That I am not interesting enough. That I am not valuable enough. That I am inherently unlovable. For example, when I go to the gym I hope that the addition of a toned physique will allow me to feel confident. When I play my bass guitar or sing, rather that play music because I enjoy it I will attempt to learn how to play advanced pieces with the desire that it will make me feel more interesting. The food I eat, however healthy it might be, is consumed with the expectation that my face will clear up so people will find me more attractive, rather than out of a love for my self and a desire to give my body the nutrition it deserves. Sometimes I might read books that are intellectually challenging, again not out of joy, but in order to correct a feeling that I'm stupid. Even the act of gaining self knowledge itself is at times not motivated by curiosity, but instead to avoid the guilt of sitting and relaxing for too long. And the feeling of shame is so restricting,claustrophobic and omnipresent. Because when you are acting on those premises, then everything you do sends information to the unconscious that just confirms the diagnosis, which affects you as negatively as any abusive self talk would. Perhaps an explanation for what was happening that night was that my true self was "unblending" from a shamed sub-self since I began observing myself from a third person perspective, with curiosity, compassion and without judgement. As I watched myself in these recent memories as if I was another person and felt sympathy. I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't watch myself and think "what a loser". And I want to know more of what is going on for that part who feels like he needs to add looks, talent, ect in order to feel whole. Why he feels like there needs to be Joel plus something else. Which reminds me, I use to be into transhumanism, which is abbreviated as H+ and is " intellectual movement with an eventual goal of fundamentally transforming the human condition by developing and making widely available technologies to greatly enhance humanintellectual, physical, and psychological capacities." Maybe I was into that stuff is because deep down a part of me felt like I need to enhance myself through external means. I also wanted to mention that I was going to just title this post "understanding my shame", which might indicate that an analytical sub-personality is present in this moment since analytical parts strive to understand and figure out things. So, not only am I aware of a shamed-self who motivates my behavior, but I am also becoming aware just now of an analytical-self who is striving to understand and synthesize these concepts. Which might indicate that my observing ego is growing stronger since the analytical part is not fully dominate and neither is the shame based part. I have an awareness of them that I didn't have just a few weeks ago. It's quite fascinating. Anyways, I think I'll post this. Perhaps some this might be interesting to people. Any feedback is welcome, I would love to hear if anybody else has had a similar experience. Thank you for posting! Your honesty and humility are admirable. This definitely resonates with me. What is Parts-work?
Three Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Hi, Rachel! Thank you for the compliment. I'm glad the post was valuable to you.Parts work is a tool for self knowledge that operates on the premise that the personality is not a single monolith, but rather is composed of many sub-personalities. It is this complex ecosystem of sub-personalities, each of which has its own thoughts, beliefs, desires and values, that people are really referring to they are talking about their 'personality.'It sounds a bit freaky, but it's not like multiple personality disorder of anything. Have you ever experienced two opposing desires like you're staying up late because you want to watch a film, but then there's a voice that comes in your head that says, "okay, it's time to go to bed, we've got work in the morning"That would be an example of two sub personalities. One part wants to stay up, while the other wants to get to sleep. In parts work, or Internal Family Systems Therapy, you would learn to approach these conflicting desires with compassion and curiosity by treating those parts of yourself as distinct personalities. So, if I feel shame and think I'm not good enough, I engage that thought as if they were a person right in front of me independent of my mind. And by empathizing and listening to that part of me, I am fundamentally re-parenting myself. I fully understand if you're skeptical. It's a pretty new Idea, but I think there is some great science behind it. I'll post a link to a really valuable resource where you can learn more in addition to my ramblings http://sfhelp.org/gwc/guide1.htm Stef talks about it too in this video. Please let me know what you think!
RachelAnn Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Just listened to the podcast- great info. I believe I heard Stef in a recent podcast practice the technique with a caller who had a breakthrough when he addressed the different sides of him like rage and vulnerability. Does anyone know the name of that one? I'm going to check out the other link when I have time. It seems that we have somewhat similar backrounds, so I was creepin on all of your posts because it looks like you have done a lot of work. Hope you don't mind! Haha Thanks Joel.
Kevin Beal Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Does anyone know the name of that one? It's FDR2715 No One Left Behind - Wednesday Call In Show June 4th, 2014. It's the third caller who starts at ~2hr 18min. The mecosystem conversation starts ~2hr 35min. It's not exactly the same thing as IFS parts work, but it's very similar, from what I gather. I haven't done IFS parts work, though. So, I defer to Joel on that.
RachelAnn Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 It's FDR2715 No One Left Behind - Wednesday Call In Show June 4th, 2014. It's the third caller who starts at ~2hr 18min. The mecosystem conversation starts ~2hr 35min.It's not exactly the same thing as IFS parts work, but it's very similar, from what I gather. I haven't done IFS parts work, though. So, I defer to Joel on that.Thanks Kevin. I'm going to listen to that one again.
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