Looking for helpful comments/questions.

[NigelW]

Hello again,

 

I want to unpack a statement made by my father. I'd like to bring this up with my therapist this week and I think it would be productive to get some input from y'all first.

 

The memory is quite hazy, but from what I can recall I was about seven or eight years old and playing with a wrench. I was trying to tighten a nut onto a bolt that was holding two pieces of metal together. After learning to use the wrench with my right hand, I tried my left and was successful. My father came over and I said, “Dad look! I can do it both ways!”

 

He responded with, “don’t tell anyone at work that.”

 

My father was an alcoholic tradesman who was rarely home, just to give you an idea of what he was like.

[cynicist]

I wasn't surprised that you mentioned he was an alcoholic. He would have to be fairly bitter and cynical to talk to a child as sarcastically as that. Hell, I think teasing friends that way is pretty tragic and numbing, but to respond to your son's natural enthusiasm with that just makes me think, "What an asshole". When people make comments like that I know the idea is that it's funny, but I always get the sense that it's meant to put you down, deflate you or whatever.  I'm not even getting into the implied meaning...

[NigelW]

Thank you for the support.

 

I am aware that he was implying that it would bring my sexual orientation into question, even at the time and already being an insecure child, his comments made me feel even more uncertain. It’s hard not to take that personally as a child and even now. I think I am lacking empathy for myself at that time in my life...

 

 I don’t want to become the wretched mess that my father was. I should feel lucky for avoiding that fate, but there is something that draws me to that memory. A yearning or fantasy that he would stop being hurtful. That if I change or do something differently or out of spite, he would finally change.

 

Could it be that I want to excuse my behavior in the past by letting my father off the hook?

 

If I’ve missed anything, please feel free to comment/ask questions

[cynicist]

 I don’t want to become the wretched mess that my father was. I should feel lucky for avoiding that fate, but there is something that draws me to that memory. A yearning or fantasy that he would stop being hurtful. That if I change or do something differently or out of spite, he would finally change.

 

Could it be that I want to excuse my behavior in the past by letting my father off the hook?

 

If I’ve missed anything, please feel free to comment/ask questions

 

We all feel that way about our parents. (I mean wishing for them to change) Nobody wants to think that they were in the care of a cold or immature or cruel person for most of their life.  We feel that capacity within ourselves of being able to overcome prior false beliefs or knowledge and want everyone else to do the same, but it is irrational to expect them to (mistaking yourself for the world). I think it is more likely that you are feeling the pain of the childhood that you never had; The one with the nuturing and caring parents that always had your back and were available when you needed them to be. 

 

I've heard others on this board and elsewhere in chats talk about 'reparenting your inner child', basically coming to terms with what actually happened and being empathetic with your younger self. I wish I could give you some advice about doing it but I'm still working on it in my own life. I'm happy that I can at least give you some validation of your experience though. The book by Alice Miller, "Drama of the Gifted Child" or something similar is very helpful. I think if you work through those experiences with your therapist to clarify your relationship with your father, you won't have any reason to experience those fantasies. As long as you have doubt about whether or not your father was capable of change, I don't think these feelings will go away.

 

I hope your therapy session goes well.

[NigelW]

I am glad that you responded when you did, it gave me a better idea of what I wanted to work on. It would appear that what my father did was inflict a social boundary that I took very seriously. So, my therapist gave me the words that I wanted to say, "no, I know what is best for me." I've heard it said that, to a child, that would be a death sentence and It really struck me how powerful those emotions are even in my 20's.

 

Something that caught me off guard was that my therapist said that I have a lot of anger towards baby-boomers. I'm curious if anyone else has run into this.

 

I have a growing list of books that I should read and I am not sure why but I feel like not reading at all. I do appreciate the recommendation, though! I think I will try to search for the audiobook version..

 

Thank you again, cynicist!