Dream: Internal Dead Ends

[Pepin]

I was in a semi-dream state, like one of those times where you are kind of sleeping and kind of awake and have some control of your thought.

 

I was driving on the road near a shopping mall. The passenger was a girl with curly blond hair and has no connection to anybody in the real world. It is odd because I remember her face pretty clearly, particularly the structure, and this is so strange because I tend not to interact with people I don't know in dreams, and I tend not be able to remember pictures so vividly, especially faces. In the dream we were friends, though the details of the friendship were not expounded on. I was talking to her about something, not sure what.

 

I then started to really hear my internal thoughts, like the ones at a deeper level. If you've ever done some deep meditation or drugs, you know what I'm talking about. If not, imagine what it'd be like to access thoughts before they get to the conscious mind, like the thought that precedes a self attack. I found that when a thought was expressed, a voice in the tone of one of my brothers would respond and shoot down whatever I was going to say. They would kind of appear in the car during these moments, kind of like you'd expect in a movie, and they of course weren't actually there.

 

I'm not so sure about the content of these thoughts, but anything I wanted to talk about and bring up with the passenger seemed to be cut off as I would watch myself say other things. The responses didn't have to be thoughtful or make much sense in order to negate my thought. I tried really hard to just express my thoughts as they were in spite of the response of the voices, but I continually just kept watching myself say other things.

 

I am starting to get really angry, and somehow realized that I am dreaming and attempt to wake up. What ends up happening is some stuff that is awfully hard to explain, but essentially whenever I figure out I am dreaming and or try to wake up from a dream, the dream will do anything it can to convince me that I am awake. So I think I am awake and in my room, and I am thinking about the implications of the dream I just had. I consider posting about it. I then wonder why my parents weren't in the dream, and also why they are never in my dreams. My reasoning was that "sure my brothers have an impact on my thought, but my parents ought to have a far greater impact".

 

The dream jump cuts to me driving again, though this time I am by myself and don't have the issue of the voices, and I am trying to get to my house in order to confront my parents or to find something, it isn't exactly clear. I then begin to realize that the way I am driving to get to my house doesn’t make much sense and eventually figure out I am dreaming. I say, "fuck it, it's a dream and this is important for self-development" and decide to continue to the house, and for some reason I am then driving across the vacant lawn of the neighboring house and through the bushes and around trees to get to my house as opposed to the just pulling in the drive way. I never get to the house, rather I have another fake-up.

 

So I again think I am in my room, and after a few moments I realize I am dreaming and decide that I might as well take advantage have some sort of awesome sexual fantasy play out. I find that I unfortunately can't make this happen, I get frustrated, and I try to wake up and finally actually wake up.

 

 There are a lot of portions of the dream that makes sense to me and that I figured out while writing this, primarily the brother portion. Both of my brothers really restricted what I could say or do in my childhood because of how they'd react. For instance, my grandmother was against almost non-Christian and would hit me and give hour long lectures if she found I expressed even curiosity, and my younger brother was constantly looking for anything to report to her. The case with the older brother I haven't really found words to describe what it was exactly, but it is a similar concept/outcome.

 

I can see me trying to get to my house being both a metaphor for going back to childhood and going internal. I am quite confused about not being able to get there, not being able to see my parents. Driving I think might be a metaphor for taking control of my life and moving forward. I am very confused about the girl in the dream, and driving across the lawn. I am also confused about why I can't really access these internal thoughts that originate from my parents.

 

Hope this made sense. My dreams can be rather confusing with all of the fake wake-ups, but this really isn't even that bad, I mean I can at least describe it. Every once in a while I start getting dreams that are like abstract art. Thanks for any help and insights.