AnCapJavi Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 I am looking for help on how to approach my sister about having been an unbelievable asshole to her when we were kids. We grew up the kind of religious that if you quit you're disowned by your family and friends. My sister was 5 and 4 years younger than my brother and I respectively. Our father died when we were very young. As siblings we were always hostile to each other. My sister suffered the most for it naturally. My mother was on welfare, always depressed, and kind of a pushover. We had an overbearing religious prick of an uncle who took over the father role. We had no idea he molested her for years. When we found out we were pretty insensitive to her because we didn't believe her at first. When she started to leave the religion we were pretty hard on her about it. Years later after wasting 25 years doing nothing with my life I left the religion too and had to start my life the best I could. I struggle tremendously still. Despite being intelligent when I was 25 I was emotionally 12, a High School dropout making just over the minimum wage, outside of religious crap and a little chess I didn't know or understand much of anything. My sister and I talk on occasion and it's never hostile like before. She knows I've rejected a lot of nonsense but our relationship is only superficial. My brother and I never speak. . . he's still in it. I don't know how to approach my sister to say how sorry I am and make any amends that I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slavik Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 In person, and full honesty, without rationalization or excuses tends to do the job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRobin Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 I think a good start might be to really figure out why you did what you did. Especially considering the environment you grew up in. I mean if you're surroundedn by disfunctional people who hold on to irrational beliefs, that they use to basically justify whatever it is that they do and have zero empathy for even their own children, then it's hard to see how a child who grow up in that kind of environment could even theoretically come up emotionally healthy and emapthetic towards their little sibling.That's not to say that this excuses everything automtically, but I'd first and foremost focus on the abuse of the caregivers and their responsibilites (as in their responsibility in keeping your sister safe for instance, which includes the harm that's done by siblings).Also I'd distingush between having empathy (i.e. feeling sorry for what you did to your sister (and what was done to her by her uncle/mother) and being personally responsible for it and making amends. So an idea might be to start off saying how sorry you are, but maybe also include that you're still trying to figure out yourself what it is that let you to do these things, so taking on full responsibility and making amends might a bit too early here. As taking on the responsibility of others is just as unhelpful in making restitution as it is to not take on due responsibility.Anyway, it's a difficult journey ahead and I wish you the best of success abnd luck with it and hope that maybe helped give you some ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnCapJavi Posted December 22, 2013 Author Share Posted December 22, 2013 Having trouble deciding how to bring it up. My sister in very non-confrontational and I have a suspicion she may be content with things as they are. We haven't argued in years. We live in different states now and have no reasons to ever argue at all any more. In my family we didn't really express affection to each other. Now we do to an extent with our mother but not with each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheRobin Posted December 22, 2013 Share Posted December 22, 2013 hmm maybe this is a lagnauge barrier here (non-native english speaker myself), but I don't understand how you wanting to apologize and/or extend sympathies for her past is "arguing" or "confrontational". I mean, I see how it is very emotional and can be a bit unsettling if one is not used to share emotions openly, but it's still not arguing, is it?Also, since you want to do that for the benefit of your sister, how do you think she will react to that? Do you think it will help her in a way? From what you write I assume, that at least in the short term she won't be too happy about you bringing it up, but do you think it will be of value to her in the long run? Cause if so, you might just want to consider going through with it even if she gets angry at you for brining it up (as it's not primarily about you from what I understand). Then again, it's diffcult either way and I can't really give any good advice to be honest. I'm just trying to give some thoughts, but I have no idea what a good way to bring it up is or how to start this. But the more honest the better I think. Like you could preface it with explaining you want to talk about something importnat but that you are afraid of how that will go etc and see how she reacts to that and see where that leads and then decide afterwads whether you still want to bring up your past or whether you might want to do that later (or not at all, again, I don't know the situation or you relationship, so I can't really give any good advice I think). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnCapJavi Posted December 23, 2013 Author Share Posted December 23, 2013 If it brings up anger or anything like that in her I'm not looking to disagree. On the contrary I did her wrong and we've never talked about it. I want to acknowledge how I mistreated her, own up to it and tell her that I'm sorry. We were never close but I would like to have a relationship with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cynicist Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 If it brings up anger or anything like that in her I'm not looking to disagree. On the contrary I did her wrong and we've never talked about it. I want to acknowledge how I mistreated her, own up to it and tell her that I'm sorry. We were never close but I would like to have a relationship with her. I think that's exactly what you should say to her, all three of those things. The only thing to watch out for in my opinion is that because you feel guilty there will be a desire within you to be forgiven, and you just have to remind yourself that it's not her job to do that nor something that should be expected at some point. As long as you remain curious and open to whatever her response is you will be ok no matter what happens, because you will know the truth of the situation, even if it takes a number of conversations. (by situation I mean whether a real relationship with your sister is possible or not) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnCapJavi Posted January 15, 2014 Author Share Posted January 15, 2014 Well I talked to her tonight. She said that she has seen me change a lot over the years. She also said that we were all young and we all grew up fucked up the same way and she appreciates I acknowledge what I did. She just graduated college and is looking for her first real job. I'm helping her. We talked about how we grew up so bad but we're getting ready to finally move up to the middle class and beyond where we belong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Awesome news! When she said she saw you change over the years, was this meant to be in a good way? If so, does this mean that she too has pursued self-knowledge? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnCapJavi Posted January 18, 2014 Author Share Posted January 18, 2014 Yes in a good way. Slowly after I left religion I started to read stuff to improve myself and of course since I was no longer in the religion I stopped putting any kind of religious pressure on her. We each did our thing but and stopped fighting. She moved away with my mother and we spoke seldom. I wouldn't say she's pursuing self knowledge the way I am but she's been in therapy for years and has been upgrading her relationships. We are talking all the time now. Things are well. I didn't have to be so careful to approach her about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsayers Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 That's really good to hear! Just to be clear, I would definitely say that attending therapy is the pursuit of self-knowledge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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