Scary fantasies

[Yeravos]

Hello people! I had a personal revelation a few days ago that I wanted to share with the board.

 

Approximately 1 year ago I experienced quite a depression. My weeks would be characterized by extremes. One day I'd be really happy, and the next I'd be in extremely depressed with myself. I could actually predict when I'd get my downs, most of the time down to the day, with a few days head start. Anyway, at this time of my life, I would be drawn to certain fantasies. These would show up in my head during my depressed days. And I remember that they were really alluring, but I tried not to let myself lose myself in them, because they felt scary and uncomfortable. But, at the same time, they'd feel very good, in a bittersweet kind of way I guess (hence why I had to struggle to not go along with them)?

 

Now, I haven't felt the urge to seek out these fantasies for a very long time. But, for whatever reason, a few days ago, I felt one of these fantasies knocking on my door. That's when I realized that I had had these kind of fantasies before (I had forgotten about them), and that perhaps they had some insight that I could benefit from. Alas, I have only (I think at least) managed to figure out the common theme in these fantasies, but not much else. But still, I feel that this is an important discovery for me.

 

I thought I'd share the fantasies I had.

 

So, the two most recurring types (and most detailed) of scenarios that I would indulge in where:

1: For some reason, people around me think I am mentally ill. I am dragged away to a mental hospital. I know that I am not ill, and fight all the way there. But, when I get there, the staff there injects me with different kinds of drugs to keep me in an almost coma-like state. 

I am physically imprisoned in the hospital, and mentally through the drugs the give me, for a long time, perhaps a few years. However, for some reason (inaccurate diagnosis or something), the staff realize they have made a mistake and I am released. But it's to late, all the drugs I were given have made me unstable, angry and emotionally distant. The rest of the fantasy, the shortest part of it, is about how I am nurtured back to mental health with great patience and empathy, often by a girl(friend?).

 

2: I have a girlfriend. In some way or another, someone vicious from my teenage years (a nasty verbal bully), manages to convince my girlfriend that I have cheated on her. This fantasy is a bit harder for me to remember  completely, but it ends up with me being beaten down by some people that are friends with my girlfriend. Later on, she realizes that I hadn't cheated on her, and she tries to come into contact with me again. But I refuse to see her, because I am think I could be beaten down again.

 

Now, I think I understand the theme of these fantasies. And that is that I am right, but doubted by others. This results in me getting hurt, leaving scars on me forever.

 

Has anybody else experienced something similar to this? If so, were you able to learn something from it?

[Pepin]

Feel free to throw out my ideas as I'm no expert and am just saying what I think.

 

The first fantasy isn't a fantasy, yet rather a description of what happened to you in the past. Though I am guessing, you likely were imprisoned into the madhouse of public schools and forced to stay still while boring teachers were injecting you with dangerous propaganda. You may have also been put on various medication during this time to treat with your imaginary disorders. As a result of this, you become "unstable, angry and emotionally distant". The last part is about philosophy, which is often characterized as a woman, nursing you back to health. Therapy could also be a factor.

 

The second one feels like an imagined fear that is meant to prevent future harm. It is common for people to come up with unrealistic worst case scenarios, and they are really rather paralyzing. Though I really don't know, I'd guess that it is partly influenced by something in your past, partly by your imagination. I doubt you had a girlfriend when you had these fantasies, and that these fantasies were somewhat designed to keep you single. It is kind of like if I were to constantly imagine asking a girl out, and it always involved her replying with a humiliating rejection and her telling everyone at school how grossed out she was, it'd be unlikely that I'd even attempt asking a girl out.

[Yeravos]

Thanks for the input Pepin, appreciate it!

 

The first fantasy isn't a fantasy, yet rather a description of what happened to you in the past. Though I am guessing, you likely were imprisoned into the madhouse of public schools and forced to stay still while boring teachers were injecting you with dangerous propaganda. You may have also been put on various medication during this time to treat with your imaginary disorders. As a result of this, you become "unstable, angry and emotionally distant". The last part is about philosophy, which is often characterized as a woman, nursing you back to health. Therapy could also be a factor.

 

 

Indeed, I did go through the whole public school-process. Though as far as I know, I have never been medicated for any disorder, except for my bleeding disorder.

Yes, this makes sense to me, the philosophy and therapy metaphor! Feels spot on really! Thank you for the observation Pepin!

 

 I doubt you had a girlfriend when you had these fantasies, and that these fantasies were somewhat designed to keep you single. It is kind of like if I were to constantly imagine asking a girl out, and it always involved her replying with a humiliating rejection and her telling everyone at school how grossed out she was, it'd be unlikely that I'd even attempt asking a girl out.

That's correct, had no girlfriend at that time.

It makes sense, but at the moment it doesn't ''resonate'' within me so to speak? It's logical, what you wrote, but it doesn't sound right to my situation. But I don't know why. 

Edited December 30, 2013 by Yeravos

[alexqr1]

Maybe you are more worried about others suffering as a result of misjudging you than you are about being misjudged?

[Pepin]

Thanks for the input Pepin, appreciate it!

 

Indeed, I did go through the whole public school-process. Though as far as I know, I have never been medicated for any disorder, except for my bleeding disorder.

Yes, this makes sense to me, the philosophy and therapy metaphor! Feels spot on really! Thank you for the observation Pepin!

 

Glad I could help. I felt rather good about the first one and was somewhat impressed I made such a connection. It is good to hear that you were not medicated as a child, though I will point out that public school is kind of seen as a medication in that children are naturally bad, uncivilized, and need to be molded before being released into the world. I realize this is just an attempt to keep myself from being wrong about that part, but I'll keep it anyway  

 

The second one I didn't really have much confidence in. Like you said, it makes sense and everything, but it doesn't really resonate with me either. If it is important to you, I'd recommend writing out a goal to figure it out and to do some journaling, not necessarily all on that fantasy, but more generally. What I like to do when I can't quite figure something out about myself is to coax my unconscious to work on it, and it usually works, not always though. It might also help to write about it from the perspective of someone else and to really step into the fantasy and to include as much detail as possible, and then to read it a week later.

[Yeravos]

Maybe you are more worried about others suffering as a result of misjudging you than you are about being misjudged?

I do not think this is the case. In the fantasies, the people around me arn't suffering. Save for the fact that they later regret not trusting me.

 

 

Glad I could help. I felt rather good about the first one and was somewhat impressed I made such a connection. It is good to hear that you were not medicated as a child, though I will point out that public school is kind of seen as a medication in that children are naturally bad, uncivilized, and need to be molded before being released into the world. I realize this is just an attempt to keep myself from being wrong about that part, but I'll keep it anyway  

 

Hm. That's interesting, I have never seen it in that particular way before. But now that you mention it, yes, that's exactly what it's made out to be. Children are selfish, lazy, hyperactive and violent, and as such need to be ''cured'' of their evil. To become valuable contributers to society! It's really sickening when one thinks about it.

 

 

I'd recommend writing out a goal to figure it out and to do some journaling, not necessarily all on that fantasy, but more generally. What I like to do when I can't quite figure something out about myself is to coax my unconscious to work on it, and it usually works, not always though. It might also help to write about it from the perspective of someone else and to really step into the fantasy and to include as much detail as possible, and then to read it a week later.

Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to try this out!

[cynicist]

You are right on the recurring theme. I would add that in both situations you are entirely helpless to prevent what happens to you, since the actions taken against you are motivated by the perceptions of other people. To take a stab at the first one it sounds like an accurate description of what many of us go through growing up. The physical imprisonment corresponds with not being able to leave home/school/family, the mental illness with how we are lied to as children, the coma-like state with the dissociation we experience, the release with adulthood and the freedom it brings, and I agree with Pepin that the girlfriend could represent philosophy, or simply a nurturing feminine aspect of yourself or another person in your life.

 

The second one I'm curious about. What happened a year ago during your depression? Did you have any major changes involving friendships by chance? On that note, is anything happening now? (I ask because you said the urge to seek them out has come up again)

[Yeravos]

The second one I'm curious about. What happened a year ago during your depression? Did you have any major changes involving friendships by chance? On that note, is anything happening now? (I ask because you said the urge to seek them out has come up again)

 

Thanks for the response cynicist!

Well about one year ago, I had been living on my own for 2-3 months (studying at college). Before I went to college, I was an extremely isolated individual socially. I practically had one friend that I would see perhaps once every other week. But when I went to college, I actually found people I could hang out with when I didn't have lessons or were studying (not a lot of studying to be honest, felt that I could put that aside and instead focus on spending time with people when I had the chance) 

 

Now, I have lost one friend (wrong word, someone I used to hang out with) in a confrontation (wrote about it in another thread I started). I have passively stopped hanging out with another friend, and I think that I will break with another friend soon.

 

On the 26/12 of December last year (2013), I went out with someone I would consider living up to the word friend fully, to shop for clothes. I felt that I needed to buy some clothes ''on my own'' so to speak, without my mother (she had basically bought my clothes for me my entire life, with a few exceptions). However, this was a very stressful situation for me. When I stood there, in the shop, with all the people, I could pick anything. I couldn't focus on any clothing. All my focus was on my surroundings, all the people to be exact. I was paralyzed by fear mentally, basically. I told my friend this, so we went to a more quiet place and sat there for perhaps 30 minutes or so, so I could calm down a bit.

Now, a few hours after the shopping, when we got back home, the fantasies from the past were knocking on my door basically. My reaction was basically ''Wait! I know this! I have had these thoughts occur in my head before!'' And that's about it.

[LanceD]

The idea of the girlfriend in both fantasies seems important.

 

While I like the analysis already given to you about the first fantasy I think something has yet to be pointed out. Based on the last part I believe you have a desire to find a woman who will love you and heal you.

 

This is where the second fantasy ties in. Your subconscious desire to be saved by a woman is unsatisfied. Thus your second fantasy is created as a way to explain and excuse this failure.

 

If this at all rings true to you then I would first start with questions regarding your relationship with your mother. Any desire to have a woman rescue you is explicitly the fault of her failing you as a child.

[Yeravos]

The idea of the girlfriend in both fantasies seems important.While I like the analysis already given to you about the first fantasy I think something has yet to be pointed out. Based on the last part I believe you have a desire to find a woman who will love you and heal you.This is where the second fantasy ties in. Your subconscious desire to be saved by a woman is unsatisfied. Thus your second fantasy is created as a way to explain and excuse this failure.If this at all rings true to you then I would first start with questions regarding your relationship with your mother. Any desire to have a woman rescue you is explicitly the fault of her failing you as a child.

This rings truth to me. I have had (up until recently) I have been extremely depressed that I have never had a girlfriend.

My relationship with my mother is painful. I have practically De-foo'd her, but she doesn't know about it really yet. (16/12 2013, I blocked my mother on all social medias I could think off. Before I did, I wrote to her on skype that I didn't want to see or speak to her ever again, that I was getting nothing positive out of our relationship. However, I realized a few days ago that she didn't get the message, since I blocked her before she got the message. So now, I have a ''new chance'' so to speak, and now I am beginning  to doubt my decision)

 

Thanks for the reply LanceD! It really helped!